everytime

It was three AM
When you woke me up
And we jumped in the car
And drove as far as we could go
Just to get away
We talked about our lives
Until the sun came up
And now I'm thinking about
How I wish I could go back
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
And everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
You left my life in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you

When the car broke down
We just kept walking along
Til we hit this town
There was nothing there at all
But that was all okay
We spent all our money on stupid things
But if I looked back now
I'd probably give it all away
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
My life's been in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you

Now I'm sittin here
Like we used to do
I think about my life
And how now there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Everytime I hear your name
Everytime I feel the same
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right

One more day
Just one more day
It's all I need
Just one more day with you



Yeah... *sigh*

pieces

I tried to be perfect

But nothing was worth it

I don't believe it makes me real

I'd thought it'd be easy

But no on believes me

I meant all the things that I said



If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own



This place is so empty

My thoughts are so tempting

I don't know how it got so bad

Sometimes it's so crazy

That nothing could save me

But it's the only thing that I have



If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own



On my own



I tried to be perfect

It just wasn't worth it

Nothing could ever be so wrong

It's hard to believe me

It never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along



If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

monotonous monday

Ever had one of those nights where you just lay in bed and you can't sleep because so many thoughts are running through your head at once? Yeah, that definitely happened last night. I watched the minutes painfully tick by as I tried to make myself to go sleep. But I couldn't - I couldn't stop thinking. I tried reading, listening to music, all different things. Today, I faced the pain of reality and I think I will fight my way through it. I just wish I could close my eyes... and it would all go away - that I would finally awake from my bad dream and realize that none of it was ever real. It's not real... nothing ever happened. Another thing that is bothering me is when someone who KNOWS that I am self concious about my upper body starts bringing up the flaws. Yes, I have a masculine build. Are you happy? Geez, how can I swim so much and NOT become tone over time? I have inherited the broad shoulders from my dad and my muscular build from my mom. I don't have that desired 'fragile' look that most famous models have or anything like that, and I'm sorry. I am sorry that my build isn't pleasing to the eye of the jackass who called me out about it. I KNOW that I look manly and you honestly don't have to bring it up. Why don't you keep your opinions to yourself because it's not really that funny - I didn't notice anyone laughing. As Foamy would put it, '...at the very least, shoot yourself. Get yourself out of society.' Please, do. And there are plenty flaws about you too, but I wouldn't stoop to that level.

tell me it's not real

I hate reality. I really do. Why can't I just run away from the real life and go somewhere where nothing really matters once you return to the real world? Should I stand my ground and face the brutality of the real world, or run away from it for just a week? I don't know what to do... damnit, damnit.

Life sucks, but damn, it is great... sorta.



I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real

merry christmas

YEY! Christmas was fun. Of course, I was woken (is this the right tense?? It's sounds so weird) AGAIN by Karl around 9:30. Ughie. Then, wrapping paper flew for a good 10 minutes until everyone was satisfied and messing with all of their gadgets. Alan and I got this itty bitty mp3 player that is really cool, but it only holds like 60 songs. Just looking at it makes the memory of it believable though. Then I changed out of my pjs after breakfast (mm.. Mom's homemade cinnamon rolls!) and ran by Tia's to drop off her present. After swinging by there, I just hung around the house, doing what I do best - nothing! We had dinner and then watched Harry Potter. I unfortunately missed a message that brought GREAT news... YOU'RE BACK! :) Yey. Hehehe. Santa was definitely good to me this year. ():)
Alexi comes tomorrow morning... I CAN'T WAIT!!!! :D

mercy is upon me

Okay, so my grade for my college class (Western Civ) came in... and I got bitched at pretty good. Then my mom let out those words that I was so scared to hear: "No computer... once school starts". You have no clue how happy I was just to hear that. At least I can update and chat until the start of school - then you will most likely not hear from me for a long, long time. Unless I sneak on or my mom gives me a break from my technological restraint. It's Christmas Eve, and I can't believe how fast it has come. Unfortunately, I have found it hard to sleep past 12 because of GUYS. Urgh - I hate them at the moment! It will be 20 til 12 and my parents come in, shoving the phone in my face because Hunter wanted to know what time practice was or Nathan wanted me to swim. Then, yesterday, I was so tired from Tia's sleepover because her and I didn't go to bed until around 7 in the morning (we just couldn't sleep!). We went to Biscuit King around 6:30, then returned to her house and fell out on the couch. We all woke up around 11 and then went home. I took and shower and laid down for a bit, eventually falling asleep. Then, Alan comes in with the phone and it's DREW wanting to go get some coffee. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, I'm tired, and I can't sleep because people always want to do something. So, I get up, put on my suit and some sweats, and meet Drew at the door looking high as a kite. I was just TIRED! The coffee helped me, but I was still really out of it. Then, this morning, Karl woke me up because Nathan wanted to swim. I rush over there only to find that he was leaving. I was really mad... can't ANYONE rest in this house? I refuse to take any calls before 12. I hate you guys.

too tired

I got a taste of total exhaustion today - before I even started swimming. I went to bed around 1 after another long convo with Thomas on the phone (dude, this is the SECOND night in a row!) and woke up around 12:30. At practice, I felt so bogged down and tired, like I couldn't go any faster. The pace I was moving at was considerably slow, to the point where many people beat me out in breaststroke. I wanted to throw myself to the edge of the pool and cry. It always has to be close to a really big meet where I totally wear myself out. I am so scared that I won't have ANYTHING by the time the meet comes around. My coach noticed and said that the two days before the meet, we were going to take it really easy, which meant for me to exclude all of my other swimming sessions. I also have to go to bed at a more reasonable hour to ensure a good amount of sleep. I just hope I have every bit of potential (and kinetic hehehe) energy for this meet. I need it so bad! *sigh* It scares me so bad to see myself like this. *frowns*

evasion, maybe?

Okay, this is really bugging me.


Well, it seems as if someone was avoiding a situation with me. They somehow weren't home on Monday, their dad kept turning their computer off, and their phone just "randomly" turned itself off. It kind of pisses me off because it misses my chance to see them for a long time or ever again, but I get the hint of how they feel. Sorry you feel that way... :(

...and closer...

There's nothing too much more to say than...
YAY! :) teeheehee...

It's been a good break so far.

christmas is creeping closer...

But that's not what I am worried about. ;)
Today when I was finishing up one of the pairs of my pj pants (yeah, I sew... no one really seems to believe that), my dad suggested that Kelley come Tuesday and go back Thursday. I haven't got to talk to her about it yet, but I hope that's the plan! Unfortunately, it will mean sacrificing 2 days of practice. I would rather see one of my friends I may never see again than skip swim practice. It's not like I will slip out of shape before then (oh no! *gasps*). Wow, less than one week before Christmas. I can barely remember what day it is and have already slipped into the break sleep schedule - 1 AM to 11 or 12 AM/PM. But that still guarantees me at least 10 hours of rest. Yay! I absolutely adore sleep... it's my favorite! My family FINALLY got a tree (it's pretty lousy) and we decorated it this evening, then watched Bend It Like Beckham. The night before we caught Chasing Liberty and it deserves an overall rating of "P", for predictable. The good part about it was that ridiculously hot British actor with his sexy accent. Ohhhhh, European boys... ():) Hehe. It makes me rethink that trip to Europe as my graduation present over the summer. I told my mom that it wasn't a good idea because it would keep me away from home... yeah, home in the summer. So there are a FEW things worth staying home for. Anyway, I need to seriously get shopping, even though most of things have been bought for others. I just feel like I haven't gotten much for ANYONE. My present to Alexi I have worked on since 7th grade summer (it's almost done), I have to MAKE Alan's, and I have no clue what to get Mom. I am so screwed right now... oh and I have to get my other friends a little something, too. Mom and Karl are going to the mall tomorrow, but they don't want Alan or I to come because they obviously have some shopping to do as well. Looks like Alan and I might have to take a trip there soon, too.


You love me but you don't know who I am...

all that i've got

Wow... according to the comments on my "void" entry, I am loved. Thanks guys. :)

I also failed my last Western Civ test. I am SO dead once my parents find out. Shit, shit, shit. It makes me angry that I didn't do any better, especially since I did everything I could to prepare. I HATE history! Then Nathan and I had a miscommunication by calling each other twice, but missing both. Yeah... odd. He called me twice while I was changing - I am NOT going to run downstairs half-covered to get the phone! Then I called him twice like 30 seconds later (when I had my suit ALL the way on) and he didn't pick up. What the hell?!? It doesn't matter because we still got some swimming in. Then my HS coach showed up late and was acting like a little bitch. He is damn good at ignoring people, too. He walked straight up to us, while Nathan was still in the pool with us (Ashley, Hunter and I) and told us to our warm-up, without even acknowledging his existence. He never said a word to him... how rude. If he pulls that shit with my other swimming buddy, there is going to be a fight. Hopefully, he will have the pleasure of never meeting the psycho coach, but that is doubtful. The rents are coming back tomorrow morning and we forgot to put out the recycling and trash Thursday night. Yeah, we always forget something. I am not going to HS practice tomorrow morning because it is 2 hours long and at 9 in the morning. Hell no. And the coach said (since I would be the only one there anyway) if I didn't call him, he wasn't showing. Ha - NOT CALLING! The game was tonight and the boys and girls both won. YEY! Juju did this NASTY dunk and swung from the OUTSIDE of the rim. It was great, although we got called for a foul because of it. Definitely worth it. I am sad because I realized that Rosco wasn't going to be in any of my classes next semester, I think. That means class will be SO boring. No stealing Mr. Cuddlesworth, being spun around, carried around, tickling or stealing his hat. *sigh* I just really need to step it up in class, or I can kiss my dream of being 1st in my class goodbye. I also really need sleep.

officially OVER

School is OUT for the semester! YES YES YES YES YES!!!
I can forget about the sleeping in part, because this week consists of Christmas shopping and swimming. I was going to go to WSY tonight, but my HS practice lasted 2 hours and kicked my ass. I don't have anything left to swim for another hour and a half. Tomorrow, Karl and I are going to Best Buy to get Dad's present in the morning and then I am meeting up with Nathan around 2 to swim before HS practice. Then I think we will skip WSY (again) and go to the basketball game to watch Central get beasted out. I know I did good on my English and Pre Cal exam, but I didn't do too hot on the APES exam. Definitely lower than a 95... I am barely going to have a B as a final grade. I am so mad because we got to use our book and everything. I can't believe I didn't do better! I am going to email my teacher from Western Civ to get my grades in there. I don't know if I did much better, but I can only hope. Maybe Kelley will be here next week, then another person next week... hehe well... you know. It will definitely be fun. I am getting a little scared because my breaststroke was kind of slow today, and I can't afford to get any slower, especially for the county meet. I am really happy that I dropped AP English 12 next semester, because the new teacher is throwing books at the students to read over Christmas break. Ha - sucks for ya'll. Well, since the rents are out of town, it looks like that Karl and I are doing supper tonight. Scary, I know. But stuffed peppers and orzo sounds yummy, right? Of course! :) Looks like I better start up on the orzo...

best of me

Damn, I haven't heard that song in a LONG time. One of my friends had it on their playlist for their xanga, and it started playing on its own. Tears welled up in my eyes as I whispered the words to myself. I just wish some of the lyrics would come true... maybe so, maybe not. Starting Line rocks.
The meet yesterday was fun, even though I didn't get to swim in it. I decided to just watch and time (to make sure no one was getting too fast, ya know :P). Ashley won, of course, and did a 1:23 or a 1:24. I was SO excited! She is getting faster and faster everytime I see her swim. She reminds me of how I was my earlier high school years. Her times have paralleled my freshmen and sophomore years so far. I hope she will be just as fast, if not faster than me her senior year. I still can't believe we don't have any more meets until the 30th. Lame. One more day of school and it already feels like it is over. The two hardest exams have been taken, and all I can do is hope I did well. Of course, I still have the excruciatingly CLOSE 91 in APES... why can't it just be bumped up a wee bit? I have to make at LEAST a 95 on the exam to get an A. Yeah, right. I am not going to miss that class one bit, except for the interesting labs and being picked up and spun around until I have COMPLETELY lost my center of balance by Rosco. Well, maybe I won't miss that, either. Anyway, Western Civ is over as well and I definitely won't miss that class. Tomorrow, I wipe out Pre Cal and English 12 to conclude the semester. No worries in those classes, though. I can't wait until I get to sleep in on Friday morning, while all the county kids go to their classes. Heh heh heh. Hopefully this break will move by slowly, but of course it won't. I just want to see Kelley before Christmas, Alexi after and some of the others who are stopping in town. If everything works out, Kelley might get to come sometime next week! I can't wait to see her! Swimming is still a huge priority, but I know I will find myself just saying "You know, I just don't FEEL like swimming today." Oh, well. Mom and Dad are leaving for NY tomorrow morning. And leaving my two brothers and I with the house. ALONE. This could be interesting...

I absolutely love this strip. Moochie is so adorable.
And, if you can't see the last block, Moochie has his little pink sock on his head. :)

the void

I realized that the last time I kissed a guy was in August, and I really miss cuddling. I just want to be loved. How can you smile when you're really crying inside? I don't understand.


You might think I'm happy
But I'm not going to be okay...

final friday

YES! This is the LAST Friday I will be having of school until next year! I am SO happy! This week, I have been noticing my eagerness to NOT be in school. For instance, Thursday, Tiffany locked her keys in her car. Her mom couldn't leave work, so we begged our math teacher (who we knew would let us) to go to her mom's work DURING class. So, we left campus, went to her mom's work, got the key, then I 'realized' that I had to get gas, so we ended up going a little off course. The Frappucinos were so good. We arrived in class with plenty of time and didn't get caught. Today, I had another urge to just stay home a little extra while. We were supposed to have an assembly this morning, so all of the people who were in college classes 1st period decided to just skip out on it. I contemplated on staying home as well, and my dad even said I should just skip it. It was going to end at 10:45, so I just stayed home and touched up on my project...okay, AND hung around the house. I pulled in when 3 other people did, and we walked into the room where people who have off-campus courses sign-in. The woman who runs the thing came up to us and asked us where we had been. We asked her why the assembly wasn't going on, especially since the assemblies usually run over. A hit list had been found in the girls' locker room, and the principal decided to postpone the concert. She angrily interrogated us and then threatened to write us up for skipping. I was waiting for that wave of fear to sweep over me, since I have had a clean record (yeah, I'm a goodie-goodie), but it never happened. She concluded that she would consult the principal about it, and we just shrugged it off and went to class. The principal knew me really well and everything he heard about me has been good, good, good. I smirked as I got my stuff from my locker. There is NO way the principal is going to buy that woman's report of our 'skipping'. All of a sudden, I noticed that I really DIDN'T care anymore about getting in trouble. My reputation would support me if she did rat us out. Later that day, I saw the principal when we were trying to get information about the materials used to build the school (APES), and I told him how much I was looking forward to seeing that assembly, and when he was going to reschedule it. He said he wasn't sure, but he thanked me and others for being so calm and cooperative during the drastic change of plans. No problem... it was as if I wasn't even there. :)
Last night, I thought that maybe I could run on 3 hours of sleep more often (I felt pretty good), but I am feeling the effects today. I was so tired by the end of second practice, I couldn't even sprint anymore. It was pathetic. Well, Nathan comes on Tuesday, I think. I am really in for it now. Just keep swimming...

the burdens become heavier

It's a Thursday, and I am running on a mere 3 hours of sleep. My entire night consisted of the conclusion of my novel, then continuous coughing. My entire body would jolt with every cough and my abdomen soon became sore from the impact of the numerous coughs. My heart raced and I felt so hot - I couldn't get comfortable. I could not convince myself to just close my eyes and relax, because every cough would tense my body up and my eyes would snap open. I torturously watched to minutes creep by on the clock... hours passed, and still no sleep. I soon gave up on trying to MAKE myself sleep and figured my parents would find me still awake when they came to get me up. The last digits I saw on the clock were 3:19, and I tossed and turned for who knows how long until my fatigue finally forced me to rest. What a shitty, shitty morning it was to wake up. It's a dark, cool rainy day today... and I haven't even gotten to school yet. I need sleep so bad, but I have two swim practices and a poetry project that all need to be completed by the end of the day. I don't know how I am going to pull through.

so close, yet so far

The end of this school semester is so close, I can almost touch it! I just want to reach out, grab it and pull it to me. I am ready for school to be over and done with. I need sleep and days where I have nothing to do. Sure, I will most likely swim everyday, but other than that, what am I supposed to do? Hopefully, I can ride my Bobo, because I haven't rode him in what feels like weeks. I finally got my brochure done, the one that got wiped out when my computer locked up AGAIN. As my friend said, "(my) computer ate (my) homework". I am so sick of this stupid machine locking up... and it only seems to do it when I am doing something important. I can be surfing the net and doing useless things, and this dumbass machine doesn't miss a beat. I wish I could just rip it apart, piece by piece, until it is just a mere pile of metal junk that I can rid of. But, it also processes many of my essays and gives me the freedom to communicate internationally, so that wouldn't be a great idea. Our second swim meet was today, and I dropped my IM time by 2 seconds, but got 3rd. The girls (and guys :P) were much faster this time around. I was so scared that Dylan Spake (this beasty ass, COCKY ass chick who's a sophomore) would do 100 breast, especially because the paper said she did a 1:14. I don't believe the paper because her team tends to exaggerate their times just a LITTLE. I had to choose between 50 free and 200 IM again, and I really really wished I could have done 50 free instead. The fastest girl did a 30.8 - I can REALLY beat that! Oh well, if the coaches talk, then we will most likely be able to slip into a meet next Tuesday! Any chance for me to improve my times is a good one. I really need a challenge, and I hate to say, but now I WANT to swim against Dylan to push me harder. My time slipped back to a 1:18 today, and I admit I reacted a little childishly. I tore my cap off and got out of the pool quickly... everyone was looking at me like I was crazy because I beat everyone by over a half of a length and still looked pissed. It didn't matter to me how I won... I want a good time. I know that, last year, I would have KILLED for that time, but this is my senior year and I can't afford to slow down. I wish I could just learn to push myself harder and faster, as if someone WAS there for me to chase. Well, today is another day of wonderful school *gag*, so I figure I should be going on up and reading Frankie.

stressful sunday

Well, I finally got my applications sent in. I did all of my application to NC State yesterday, but decided to wait until today to look over it and send it in. The Sewanee application was a little harder to do because I had to wrestle with the stubborness of this stupid machine that locks up whenever I seem to be doing something important. So after 2 major lock-ups, computer kicking, and miraculous information saving of Sewanee's site, I got it sent it as well. I stayed up until about 1:30 reading, then slept until 1:15. Supposedly, there was a loud verbal brawl going on between my brother and mom over a math assignment during my slumber, so that made my parent's suspicious of me being dead. My dad came up and, ironically, woke me up by creaking my door when he looked in to see if I was breathing. Yeah... I was still pissed. I hate when I am woken up. It's a good thing those applications are done, because I have a poetry (ugh) project due Friday, a presentation due in APES on Wednesday, and my Frankenstein project due next Friday... or is it Thursday? Oops. Whatever, I am just ready for this school semester to be over and done with. I need time to sleep and relax, even though Nathan will be ready to run and swim like he has been telling me online. Yeah... so much for the relaxation. Maybe I will get to rest on Christmas day.

all that's left

Thursday was cool... I did really well in the 200 IM and 100 Breast. In both of the events, I beat everyone - and when I say everyone, I mean girls and GUYS. It was quite pathetic. There weren't that many people swimming the IM, so they combined the girls and guys. I started out a little behind everyone else in the butterfly, expecting the guy to totally beast me out in backstroke. When I hit back, I started getting a lead on everyone - back is my WORST stroke. I can't explain it. Then when I got to the breaststroke... well, that's the expertise of my swim career, so I made some gains in that. Freestyle I just held on for my dear life, focused on a quick turnover and AIR, AIR, AIR. I hit the wall and looked behind me. 4 seconds or so later, the first guy hit the wall and looked over at me. Needless to say, I was just as shocked as he was. I couldn't believe it. I cut 5 seconds off of my IM time from practice, so I was pretty happy. After I sat down and dried off, one of the girls from the other team and the coach came scuttling up to me and asked me what event I was doing next. After I replied breaststroke, they scrambled back to their side of the pool. My coach and I looked at each other and mockingly hissed "She's doing breaststroke! She's doing breast, you guys!". It was cool. My coach and I actually seemed to get along. Kind of weird, I know. Maybe because when it comes to swimming, I am like him... well, at least in IM. Then breaststroke I did a converted time (this was a meter pool we were swimming) of 1:17.34. I cut off a little time, but I would prefer to be faster. At least I am consistent at this point. Even though we didn't swim with the guys again, I still beat the fastest guy by a second. That team desperately needs work, but on my way to the locker room to shower off, this girl was telling me how awesome I was and offered me a brownie. Free brownies are always great! The swimmers were really nice, at least. After the meet, we hit up Wendy's and got a sore stomach from Hunter (the only guy on our team) telling his life stories. He is so random and just fucking hilarious. There wasn't a moment that my mom, coach, or I WASN'T laughing. Then I got home and realized that I was missing my Scotland towel. I must have left it at the meet. I was SO pissed at myself for being so forgetful. I LOVE that towel! So, Friday morning, I attempted to get a hold of the place of the meet. It was far away, so I had to call long distance. Well, the first time, I was using the 2nd line, and Mom called on the 1st line to see if I was calling them. I was pissed at her because I might forget my towel, but I won't forget to call about it. So I hung up my call, hung up on mom, then tried again. They said that they would move my call to the aquatics office, then hung up on me. Even more steamed, I called them, bitched out the lady that hung up on me, then finally was told that my towel was not found. I was pretty pissed. Friday just dragged on, but I got the only 100 on my Hamlet quiz and didn't even read Act One because I wasn't there that day the class covered it. Good times. Then Friday night, I went to the basketball game against Forbush, and it was AWESOME! Ice wata spin move Bennett DUNKED! I about freaked out! I knew he could do it! And don't ask about his nicknames... his real name is Jonathan. He hates being called 'ice wata', but he's cool as ice. Then, of course, Juju dunked and it was great. We totally beasted them out. Also, Rosco did really well. Yey, Rosco... I love that guy, but he really annoys me at times. Well, the family is heading out and that means me as well... later peeps.

maybe memories

As we trudge along through the mud
And we tried to call it home
But we weren't alright
Not at all
Not for one second

Never have been one to write it down
Now I think I can
I know I'm stronger now
Who's looking south
Not me
I'm not looking back
I'm done denying the truth to anyone
Cause I'm alive

You showed me how
You seemed to find a hole
But I just laughed and smiled
Begged and rolled my eyes
Even cried and
Denied the truth to you
Just like the truth to me
Mostly lied

-- The Used

life makes no sense

Well, I tried to post my thoughts yesterday, but the site was being stupid so that didn't end up happening. At this moment, I am stuck between two forces that pull strongly at my heart. Two people, one place, and one activity I am passionate about. The 26th WAS a day I was looking forward to, but now I don't want it to come. Alexi is coming back into town the 26th and so is another good friend of mine. Caron, Alexi's mom, called on Tuesday inviting me to New York with the family - leaving the 26th. She said we would only be gone a few days, but a few days would result in returning dangerously close to the county swim meet, which is something I expect to kick some major ass in. The last time I went with Alexi and her family somewhere on a trip, it ROCKED! I would love to go with them, but that means sacrificing swim practices and time with my other friend. I absolutely can NOT miss this meet - I would be letting my team down. I know we would return in time for it, but we would be DRIVING, so that would bog me down alot. I don't know what to do... I don't know if Alexi will even be here after the trip. If it wasn't for this swim meet, I would be packing my bags... but that makes all the difference. I just HATE making decisions. Right now, I am leaning towards staying here, but I feel really guilty just bumming out on Lexi like this. I am not sure about anything right now.
All-County Band was fun, especially skipping a day of school for it. Too bad missing a day takes its toll... ugh. Make-up work, here I come.



Everything is turning grey
But I won't hold my breath today
Cause I'm not scared and to tell the truth
I just don't care
Are you looking for an answer
When you still don't know the question

It's like lighting candles in the rain
Sometimes life can be a pain
But don't give up without a fight

Sometimes when you feel afraid
Don't give up and run away
Cause two wrongs don't make a right
What's the point in crying
When you've done nothing wrong
It was right there all along

The world's nothing but a lie
And everyone is going to die
But what can I say
Just help me make it through the day
You don't need a destination
Just to go somewhere in life

It's like throwing feathers at the wind
They come right back to you again
So why not give it one more try

Just cause things aren't what they seem
It doesn't mean you shouldn't dream
Just don't get your hopes too high
Cause when things don't turn out right
Your world comes crashing down

-- The Ataris

I'm still waiting for the world
To come crashing down ahead
And I'm still waiting for someone
To call me up and tell me "You're dead"
Sometimes I wonder what was going through your head

Hey, I don't know
But I won't go there again

You make me smile so wide
When I look into your eyes
And when you're not around
You know you're somewhere stuck inside my mind

fantastic friday

Wow. I don't even want to recap the day... just the evening. Hannah and I decided to hit up Sonic and grab some shakes, then drive around. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure how it would go. We went for it anyway. The directions to his house were in my car, but I was driving my mom's. So, I had to remember them off of my head. I made it there, and we pulled in slowly as my headlights caught the reflecting lights of the 2 cars in his driveway. I wasn't sure if anyone was there, but we figured out soon that the place was deserted. We walked around to the dock and then to the bench his grandfather had put there. The stars were awesome and the moon was so bright you could see where you were going even through that short path to the bench. We sat on it and looked at the water... it was so calm and so quiet. Hannah and I got into deep convo about Lexington, Governor's School, fate, and just life in general, when a shooting star caught both of our eyes and we gasped. It was amazing. I wish he could have been there to see it, too. I don't know if he will be mad about it, but I had an urge to go to his house for a long time. I just never got the courage to do it alone. I am glad Hannah was with me even though she freaked out at first. LOL. Then on the way home, we just sang to some of Hannah's CD's and even harmonized on blink-182 songs. *high five* It was a really cool night and I am still happy I didn't go alone. If I would have, I just would have felt sad and made myself cry when I recalled all the memories. I didn't want to cry when I went to his house - I just wanted to remember and smile. And that's exactly what I did. I caught myself saying "I remember when ..." and going on with a story, as if it was happening all over again before my eyes. Even though I sometimes get upset with him, I realized how much I really do miss him. Damn, damn I miss him.

1 more month... *sigh*

terminal tuesday

Wow... everyday should be like today was! Western Civ was the usual, but in Math, we did 2 deriviative worksheets - nothing more. So half the period, Tiffany and I got drinks, I stole Mr. Cuddlesworth, Rosco took and WORE my jacket (it was fitted and Rosco isn't QUITE my size), then he took Mr. Cuddlesworth WHILE wearing my jacket, then finally he gave me my jacket back. Suprisingly, it didn't hang off of me once I put it on again. He HIT me with Mr. Cuddlesworth, THEN offered a truce. Would you really accept a truce after you got hit by a teddy bear? I think not. I stubbornly refused at first, but finally gave in. I don't think I could take much more of his games. But, his games only got worse by the end of the day. Our teacher in APES was gone to Disneyland (boo...) and we had an awesome sub. She let us go to the blood drive and get food - I mean, get the VCR for our documentary video. Hehe. Well, as many as you know, I am TERRIFIED of needles, and the blood drive was today. Everyone really wanted me to give blood, but I would either pass out or freak out - take your pick. Rosco had given blood earlier, and when we walked into the gym where it was held, I shuddered at the smell of antiseptics. I just wanted some food, then I would leave. We got some pizza and as I walked out, tense in fear from just the mere scent, Rosco remembered my phobia. He quickly grabbed my arm and said I was giving blood. I tensed up even more and said "No...no...no...", but he kept pulling. Personally, I found it pretty hard to resist the strength of a basketball player who is like 190 lbs and almost 6 feet tall. When I noticed I was moving IN the direction of the gym again, I squeeled softly and started doing what most animals do when they are being dragged... sitting down. So, I laid on the floor and my voice started shaking as I kept saying "NO NO NO!" and he bent his arms to FULLY pick me up. About that time, I started SCREAMING like a murderer was at my heels and hyperventilating. He quickly scooped me up, ran me outside, and told me to just breathe. He said that he had never heard anyone scream so loud in the halls like that before. I used to tell him he had NO idea how scared I was of needles, but I think he has a slight idea now. I don't know what Rosco's deal is, but he has made things a little more interesting for me in school, which is never a bad thing. I swam three times again today, and I am SO exhausted. Drew is making me brownies tomorrow so we can have coffee and chess along with them. What better way to start off a Wednesday morning?? :)

miserable monday

The day started out as bad as any day could be... Monday, running on 5 hours of sleep and emotionally drained. I just wanted to lay in my bed and hope I shrivelled into nothingness just to avoid the day. The entire day I spent sunk into my chair, in a completely different mindset than everyone else. It was like I was in a totally different place. Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day of school this week. I gladly turned in my research paper today and am so happy it's over with. Unfortunately, I have to look forward to whipping up a good essay for my application to Sewanee. I have pushed it off to the side a lot lately and I definitely need to have it done and sent in before Christmas Break. As usual, the swim team has slimmed down to almost nothing. It's the lowest number I have ever seen... just three. *SIGH* I can't wait until this semester is over with and I can relax with my friends that return for the holidays. I got really psyched when I found that I have a meet during the time one of my swim buddies is in town. I can't wait to show him how much I have improved! Things will be awesome, even though they are coming and going. Just spending time with them will always make things better. Thanksgiving is almost here and my bestest friend has not returned, either. I am anticipating the phone call that summons me to her house to do something random, childish, and well... fun! Hehe. I really do miss her and sure could use her with the $h!t I am going through. She will be excited to hear some news (which is OLD news to me), but not too happy about others. Everytime we see each other, we just want to spill out everything that has been going on in our lives, but we can't seem to get it all out at once like we want. I sure hope she comes soon...


I still can't listen to "I Miss You" by Incubus, for I am unable to hold back my emotions. It is a dangerous song for me.

your picture

I look at your picture one last time
Before I put it away forever
I remember when I used to look at it
For comfort
To make me smile
To let me know someone was there
But your picture has been abused
Over used
You should have never posed
You shouldn't have allowed it
To fall in my possession
It softened my heart
And put it in danger
Now my vulnerable heart has been done
What was expected to be done
My fingerprints are permanent
Of where I held it so long
Please let this be a dream
I know you have my picture too
But you don't look at it like I do

-- Me

turkey, here i come

I can't wait until Thanksgiving break, especially since it is only 3 days away. My research paper is done and I did it talking on the phone with Drew and making plans with Hannah online. Yeah... maybe I should check over it ONE last time. When I checked the word count, it was 1,297 - and the maximum words my teacher will accept is 1,300 or she will start taking off. What now, bitch?!?! Can't touch this. Last night, Hannah and I hung out and watched Saved at her house. At first, it was sickeningly goody-goody religious, but it got better as it went on. We polished off an ENTIRE bag of Twizzlers and chugged our Sprite Remixes. Good times. On the way to Blockbuster, she was taking pictures of us... while I was driving. So I was like "Wait until a straightaway!" and then would pose for the pic and just trust my hands to keep the wheel steady. Yep, this is the day after I got my car back from the shop. Oh well... I know every turn in the city and how my car takes it, so it's all good. On the way home from Hannah's, alone in my car, I just got this feeling of realization. I cranked my music up loud, opened the windows and sunroof, and just yelled "I'm FREE!". It was one of those bursts of energy that originates from deep inside of your chest and makes you just scream in happiness. Spontaneous relief. I don't know why I said I was free, but at that moment, I felt what free was supposed to feel like. There was nothing holding me back or bogging me down - no weights tied to my heart. My entire body felt so light, and I gripped the wheel with a feeling of power and pressed the accelerator. The wind blew my hair everywhere, but I didn't care. It was an awesome feeling to just have that cold air swirl around me and let me know I was really alive. When I got home, I felt emotionally satisfied. Then I woke up this morning and it almost seemed like last night was just a dream. But I know that it really happened. Whatever it was, I want moments like that more often.

...

The boat rides we would take
The moonlight on the lake
The way we danced and hummed our favorite song
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long

The midway and the fun
The kewpie dolls we won
The bell I rang to prove that I was strong
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long

The early morning hike
The rented tandem bike
The lunches that we used to pack
We never could explain that sudden summer rain
The looks we got when we got back

The leaves began to fade like promises we made
How could a love that seemed so right go wrong?
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long

I've tried so to forget
At times I do
And yet
The memory of you lingers like our song
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long



Yeah, an old Frank Sinatra song... but hey, the lyrics fit.

TGIF

W00T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so scared afterschool when Hunter (one of the guys on the swim team) and I first went to the stadium, then the pool. The coach pulled me aside and asked me where I was yesterday. After telling him that I hauled ass over and tried to call him, he said he appreciated my effort. So we swam until about 4:15, then Ashley and Hunter had to leave for their church trip this weekend. The only ones left was the coach and I. He decided to do time trials just to see where I was at. So, he asked me my goal for 100 Breast and I just wanted under 1:20. Well, he timed me and... I did a 1:17.87. I couldn't believe it - and that was just at practice!!! And I just broke the 100 Breaststroke school record. Right after that, he timed me in the 200 IM and I did a 2:45, which is still 7 seconds faster than the state cut. I have never done IM before, but I decided to give it a try. In the swimming dept, I am really doing well.

I just hate being confused. No one can make up their mind and they just float in the middle so that things can slip by both ways. I HATE being an option and I am sick of playing games. Am I just a side dish to you? You make me feel so low, even though that's the last thing you want to do to me. Don't get my hopes high if you don't intend to fulfill them. I think... I am letting go.

enraging afternoon

I am gritting my teeth just to keep from using just pure profanity to explain my thoughts. The day started out with a shitty grade in Western Civ. Then I came to school and finished the multiple choice part of my test in Math and, since Rosco used PERMANENT marker on my back and the "tattoo" hasn't come off, I stole Mr. Cuddlesworth while he was asleep. Of course, Sherona ratted on me and he knew who had abducted his teddy. Yeah, a star basketball player who has a teddy called Mr. Cuddlesworth... I don't know, either. Then, at lunch, it happened. I had already heard some shit talk about me through someone and then I tried not to mention his name, but Scott's stupid ass had to say it as loud as he could. So, of course, the twits at the end of the table start shit talking some more. They kept saying how I never skip a day talking about a guy, how I don't have any friends, and all this other bullshit. It was definitely one of those times where you have absolutely NO clue how you held yourself back... it's as if YOU didn't, but something did. I wanted to lunge across the table and just take them out to the floor... like in the movie "Mean Girls". Gosh. They have a lot of shit to talk, but nothing to back it up. I think that it was generated from jealousy, since one of them got denied by the guy I mentioned. Yes, this guy and I actually talk about REASONABLE things, as opposed to where we SHOPPED that day or something ditzy like that. I was hoping to avoid the high school drama this year, but it never fails. I can't wait to leave this god-forsaken, stupid ass town. There is nothing worth staying for. And they say I have no friends, when all of my good friends live out of town... that might just give a hint of how the people are here. Everyone knows everyone else and is always wanting to know the latest scoop on others, yet they only care about themselves. Well, keep your head stuck up your ass because that's the only place it belongs. I would hate for it to be anywhere else, especially since it's practically empty anyway. Go marry some rich prick and just get your fake life over with, will you?

Oh, and the funniest thing happened last evening. I ironically went to the Y to procrastinate, but ended up doing some random guy's Spanish hw. I wasn't sure if Ashley was going to swim, but I went anyway around 8. I really didn't feel like swimming (weird, I know), so I laid out on the bench in the natatorium and waited. One of the guys who lifeguarded poked his head out of the office and said I could get in the pool if I wanted. I explained to him that I was waiting for someone. Him and I had exchanged a few comments here and there over the past few weeks, especially when he first exclaimed "You're here AGAIN?" when I started swimming 3 times a day. Well, one of Ashley's friends, who also lifeguarded, came running in. She said that Ashley was coming to pick her up for cotillion. I followed her to the door of the office and asked the details. So, she invited me into the office to wait on Ashley, which was much cooler compared to that humid pool area. I laid out on the couch they had and noticed that the guy was struggling with his Spanish I homework. He asked me if I understood it and I just told him I was taking Spanish IV next semester. Well, that was convincing. So, Ashley came in, her and her friend left, and I did the guy's homework. Halfway through it, I found out his name and where he went. I found it odd that I was doing this guy's homework and I barely knew him. Oh well, we just talked a bit, finished the hw, then I left at 8:45. I just told Mom that Ashley and I worked out. Spanish I verb conjugation beats Western Civ terms anyday.

terrific tuesday

Today didn't start out too great since, even though we didn't have college, I had to go to school at regular time. It totally defied the point of getting to sleep in. We had a wacky schedule change due to testing. Well, school went fine... we planted flowers to improve the landscape of the school in APES, I was vandalized by Rosco in Math class when he drew a tattoo-like "Rosco" with a heart on my lower back while I was leaning over to ask someone a question, English I just goofed off because I had already finished everything due tomorrow on Sunday, then I went home for lunch and the rest of school because 4th and 1st periods were switched. Mom and I ate at Buddha's (so delicious!) and then I ran back to the school for weight training for swim team. Holy shit. The man is seriously a sadistic psycho-bitch. He made us do these crazy weight sets, then he literally CHASED us around the stadium (on the steps) and said if he caught us, we would have to keep doing more. So, I come home, plop on the couch, NOT being able to lift my arms. Then, I remembered that Central swam North at the Y, so I went and cheered some of my peeps on. Yey, Ashley got 1st and so did Central's 400 Free Relay! W00t. Then I swam WSY, not thinking I could do it with the condition of my arms, then swam distance with Ashley. I did a 200 Breast at 100 pace and kept up right beside her... incredible. I am really starting to scare myself. Things are really looking up right now, maybe because I am keeping myself busy with swimming, swimming, and swimming. Tomorrow is another day, and who the hell knows what will happen - but I DO know I am rocking those convertible pants. Damn straight.

glory fades

Die young and save yourself...

sad saturday

Last night, (being a Friday night, yes) I went to bed around 11. There was nothing really to do and I was still tired from being sick. I figured I would be over it by now, but I am still coughing and sound funny and stopped up. Ever had those days when you feel down and empty, yet you don't know why? I did something with 2 people today (which is alot for me), and it didn't make a difference. I just wanted to wrap my arms around my knees and look up at the dark sky alone in the cold. Watch the stars and know that of the vast night sky, I am just a meaningless speck of the universe. Something that could scream at the top of my lungs with every bit of energy I possessed and still not be heard. To the universe, you are inivisible. That's what intrigues me about stars. They just decorate the sky and look so still, so quiet... yet you know that they are actually moving or either don't even exist anymore. I wish I could be one of those stars in the sky... be marvelled at from afar and not be really known to anyone. Every one of them is beautiful. But I am one of those stars that is burnt out, it seems. One of those ones that shine no more and just float in the atmosphere as a dust speck. I don't know what else to say.

i don't wanna be told to grow up

After checking out the comments on my band audition adventure, I feel I shouldn't hesitate to post the more interesting stories of my life on here. You guys sure seem to get just as big of a kick out of my situations as I do. Rock on. I visited NC State's campus on Thursday when we were out for Veteran's Day to check out their Pre-Vet Program. They only accept 76 people into their school a YEAR. The guy of admissions was telling us everything we SHOULDN'T do when we applied. It was quite scary. Then we had lunch with Karl at a nearby restaurant. My parents were talking about how much I had matured, and it made me think. I really don't think I am as mature as I seem. I feel more like a 5 year old stuck in a 17 year old's body. Even though I handle most situations in an adult-like fashion, I am still a kid at heart. My attention span is one of a fly's and when it's time to work, all I want to do is play. Most people in my class think of me as the quiet girl with the infinite temper. Sadly, I restrain myself until I get home. My persona goes from sane to untamed in a matter of leaving the school campus. I do random things (can't start to EVEN name them all), still sleep with stuffed animals, and talk to my cats (my BABIES!). I still make little cartoons off to the side of notes in class and get those ridiculous pangs of fear when I walk down a dark hallway that make you walk up the stairs just a LITTLE faster than usual. I always read the comics in the paper, burst out into song at unexpected moments - even sometimes dance. And everytime I fall for a guy, it still feels like a first crush. I secretly daydream about how perfect things could be... how things could last forever and become a romantic experience that neither one of us ever forget and never let go of. Then there are those times when you KNOW what you are doing is wrong, but you still do it just because it's what is the most fun and, most of the time, not what is best. I tend to remember the little things that seem insignificant to most, but always has some importance to me. I can remember occurances so vividly that no one else can recall, even if it happened 5+ years ago. And yet I can't remember a historical figure or site if my life depended on it. I still crank up the music in my car and sing loudly to it, not caring how I sound or look. I put my hair in pigtails occasionally, dress up in funny clothes just to see how I look in the mirror, and imitate my parents by wearing an article of their wardrobe whenever I feel it is necessary. Macaroni and cheese is still one of my favorite foods of all time.
So, did that convince you that maybe I am not a 17 year old girl that is just waiting to grow up?

"Childhood is short and maturity is forever." - Calvin and Hobbes



By the way, I am getting a BANANAPHONE! w00t.

priority

Someone who considers you an option should NEVER be a priority.








That's all I have to say.

terrific tuesday try-out

Today started out with me feeling like complete $h!t. I didn't think I was going to make it through Western Civ, much less for the rest of the day. I popped about a total of 7 pills and walked out the door for class. School was just regular, but the afterschool bit got a little interesting. I skipped out on swim practice for our NHS induction ceremony practice. The advisor said that girls were REQUIRED to wear skirts. I hate, hate, HATE skirts. You wouldn't catch me dead in one. I was having a fit while all the guys sat back and snickered at the fact that they got to wear pants. Let THEM wear a skirt and see how much they like it. During the time we were setting up for the ceremony, I had to go to the bandroom to get some chairs. I saw my brother, spotted the All-County Band forms, and looked back at him. His eyes twinkled as I mouthed to him "I'll catch you later". And you wonder why Alan and I are so close? He's my partner in crime. The band director never really TOLD me if I could try out, but I assumed that it was okay since he hadn't gotten back to me on it. So the practice lasted until 4:30, and I hopped into my car and drove on over to East Davidson to do my thing. I innocently walked in, leaving the horn in the car for the time being, and found my brother. He slyly removed the form from his pocket as we exchanged a few words of thanks. What a conspiracy! I quickly filled out the form, signed myself up for the audition, ran to the car to get my horn, and ducked into the crowd that was warming up. Everything was going great until I was making my way over to the audition room to see how things were moving along. I saw him - my director. I did a quick spin move and darted into the noisy cafeteria. I weaved in and out of crowds casually as I made my way to the room - and got past the director without him noticing. While I was waiting for my turn, I noticed him passing up and down the halls as I stuck my head into a chattering group in order to keep from being seen. Then, it happened. He saw me. We locked eyes as I cringed. Crap, crap... I wanted to at LEAST audition before he found me so he couldn't do anything about it. He walked up to me and, in a smartass voice, asked what school I was representing. Of course, I replied HIS school. He told me that the director of the tryouts said that it wasn't a good idea for me to try out since I wasn't technically in the class. I glared at him as I clutched my horn. He was about to pay for my gas money if I got THIS far and he stopped me. He let out a sigh and said "But... since you are already here and all, I guess you can try out... just don't say anything". I was so relieved. All my nervousness and everything was released once I found I didn't have to constantly HIDE. Needless to say, I walked up in that bitch and got 3rd chair, top band.

sick sunday

This morning, I woke up with an awfully sore throat and one nostril working. I definitely came down with something. I felt worse and worse throughout the morning, but the ibuprofen started working soon and a hot shower also helped a bit. I got my Powerpoint presentation done for APES and am now working on some Western Civ terms. The Lord of the Rings is on, but I don't feel like watching a movie that is 2 to 3 hours long - without the commercials included. I ordered some convertible pants today from Alloy and I am so psyched about it. I haven't had convertible pants since like ... 8th grade. They were really baggy, like the ones I just ordered. Now I remember how nice it was to wear baggy pants back in the middle school days. No one really cared, or more like I didn't care that I wore baggy clothes. They were what was comfortable. Now, all these high school girls are wearing tight shirts and fitted pants that show off their shape - whether it is appealing or not. Makeup, hair, shoes... you name it, they have it. I admit I am a victim of this too, but once I get a hold of those pants, I will DEFINITELY wear them often. I have no shame in knowing that I might not look as great in some people's eyes with baggy pants on, but I would rather wear something I don't have to fight to fit my hips or legs into. It's my senior year - who cares what the hell I wear anyway? I miss the days when others weren't so judgmental of how people looked and cared more about who they were as a person. Society is so hopeless today... girls constantly yearning to fill this perfect form of what people call "beautiful", which is realistically unattainable. You will never be skinny enough, never be the right height, and never EVER have enough makeup on to cover the flaws you have. Give it up. Who really wants to live a superficial life, anyhow? You spend every minute of your life trying to please the eye of every spectator. You don't live your life for you; you live it for everyone else. So go on, flash that fake grin and pretend you are happy with who you are. You might look flawless, but your identity is so flawed it doesn't even exist anymore. Who are you, again? No one can be the ideal girl. How sad.

a 'wow' weekend

This weekend was SO much fun! I went and did an overnight visit at Sewanee with one of the swimmers. Friday and Saturday there was a swim meet and that was fun to watch - and time. We (the other recruits and I) weren't expecting that, but they needed timers and Coach Obermiller volunteered us out name by name on the P.A. system. It was great except for timing the mile. Holy $h!t, if things couldn't be more boring than watching someone do 66 laps STRAIGHT - 5 times. Coach Obermiller is a short, middle-aged man who is RIDICULOUSLY giddy about everything, but I loved him anyway. Then we hit up the pub for some sandwiches after the meet on Friday, went to the market, went to another swimmer's room to watch a movie, left halfway through it to hit up a frat party to see how the band was (they were taking a break when we got there), went to my host's bf's room to see how he was putting up with his shoulder knots, then went back to the dorm and went to bed. The meet started at 10 this morning, so we had to be at the pool at 8. Ugh. Even thought the cafeteria wasn't REALLY open at 7:30, we still somehow got in and got some food. Once more, the recruits and I had to time. It was so much better to just do regular events instead of weird short ones or crazy long ones. For once, I didn't have to swim, but just watch and press buttons. All of the swimmers were begging us to stay another night to go to the Viking Party (have to break out the furs!), but only one was staying another night and her bf swam for the team anyway. I am glad to be home, but at the same time, I had this weird feeling of missing it already when we left. No wonder all the students call it 'home'. Well, if I don't do some crazy change of choices within the next few weeks, I believe Sewanee is the place.

a working weekend

I have worked on schoolwork this ENTIRE weekend. It started out on just finishing up my notecards, but it ended in doing so much more. I did my 25 notecards, found 8 sources, and scraped up a 2 page outline for my research paper. Yes, all for that WOMAN I have mentioned in previous entries. Then I did my APES form on every piece of MSW I threw away/recycled this past week, then started on my project that is due Wednesday. Well, swim practice starts Tuesday. I don't know whether to be bummed or excited. I got a new cap today - a silicon one - my latex one split on Friday. Those caps give out on me so easy, it's pathetic. But then again, you can hardly breathe in that pool because the fumes from the chlorine just release off the top of the water. This weekend hasn't been that interesting aside from the Halloween kiddies coming to the door. I dressed up as a ... well, I don't really know on Saturday and just myself Sunday. Things were fine except when kids rang the doorbell like 5 TIMES if you weren't IMMEDIATELY at the door. THE DOORBELL IS NOT A TOY! GOD! Anyways, that about wraps up my weekend. Thank goodness daylight savings has kicked in, so it will at least FEEL like I got an extra hour of sleep.


*Good job to the team that got 5th at Nationals this weekend! I'm so proud of you!

time is running out

I wanted freedom
But I'm restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped
Sense of elation
You'll never dream of breaking this fixation
You will squeeze the life out of me

is it friday yet?

This week has slowly dragged along... making it only a Thursday. Tomorrow we have a Western Civ test and the teacher didn't even mention it. Damn. Yesterday and today, I actually got to class on time. I walked in, smiled, and pumped my fist one good time. That got a nice laugh out of the class... they all figured out that I was having "transportation problems" since I was driving a different car. My english teacher, Clemmie, was getting on my absolute LAST nerve yesterday. It all started when she insisted on altering a PERFECTLY good thesis based on her personal opinion. I liked the original thesis better than the finished product she approved of. A thesis is simply supposed to present the idea of the paper - nothing fancy. The ironic part was that she thought a certain part of the thesis "was redundant" and was already spoken for. The thesis is SUPPOSED to speak for itself! That's what it is THERE FOR! Then, afterschool, there was an NHS (National Honors Society) meeting that I had to be at - and she was the advisor. Well, I had to BE at work at 4, so I told her that she needed to make it quick. She diddled around the ENTIRE meeting: took 10 minutes to go to the bathroom, was reading the parts for the induction ceremony even though the OTHER members were supposed to do that at the ceremony, not a meeting. Whatever. I have had it with her. I am so glad she is getting surgery on her foot so I can be temporarily relieved of her presence. Well, what do you know? Looks like I have to go to school... and put up with her. *rolls eyes*

CAUTION: slow week ahead

Monday morning caused me about 3 heart attacks and a mental breakdown. I got in that devilish piece of metal they call a "VW Bug" and was doing fine until I hit an uphill stoplight. THEN things got nasty. The bug died more times than I can count on my hands and stalled out even more than it died. So I, trembling in frustration, called my dad and told him to get it before I PUSHED the stupid thing to the junkyard. Luckily, he was only a few blocks away, so he came quickly and we switched cars - which left me in the driver's seat of the Yukon XL. Yeah, the big'n... the one I have never driven before. For its size, it was suprisingly easy to drive. It drives just like a car, but you have to remember how big it really is. So, until my car is fixed, I am stuck driving the Yukon. I don't mind driving it, it's just so big and a real gas-guzzler. Oh well... I like being BIG for once and having control of the road! The leather seats with butt-warmers are a plus, too. Even though I ended up in a DRIVABLE car yesterday morning, I was still late for class. We also met our swim coach yesterday, who seems to really know what he is doing. 20 years of coaching and a USS swimmer and coach... not bad first impression! After I looked at our schedule, I realized that work ISN'T going to work once swim season starts. So after I was late AGAIN for class (not my fault, I might add) this morning, I stopped by work and talked to Jaime (my boss) about my conflict. She was totally cool about it and told me to let her know when things settle down and if she has a spot, she will definitely let me come back again. I am glad I got that over with. I am going to finish up work this week so I can get my pay for the 15 days. I felt really bad about just starting and then having to just drop out on them like that, but she was looking for full committment. I was hoping to swim alot and get some money along the way, so we both kind of messed up. I will most likely work in the spring when things aren't as hectic. I guess I am going to have to just primarily focus on school and swimming. I hope this pays off in the end...

Since we don't have to go to class until 11:20 due to testing, I think I might grab a nap. :)

wacky weekend

^^ I seem to like to put alliteration on the titles of my entries... weird, I know. Well, this weekend was the BBQ Festival, the Big Pig Gig, Gettin' Piggy With It... whatever you would like to call it. Hannah and I hung out from about noon to 4:30, then she went home because she wasn't feeling up to the rest of the day... but I really wasn't either. My aunt randomly came into town and was being a total b!tch, which made me mad. I am glad that her and my mom are out of town now. Hannah and I grabbed some lunch and then watched the BMX biker guys do their thing. They were awesome to watch! Then we just hung around for a while and decided to chill back at the house and look at some "End of the World" stuff. The guy who made it IS 18! That's so cool. Then Sunday rolled around and I got my English assignment done, but I still haven't gotten around to the source cards. The problem is, I don't know if she wants a list of the REAL sources or if this is just the practice ones. Whatever. Today ended in total chaos when my dad, out of all times, decided to take Alan somewhere in my car. And I thought jokingly "Ha - watch Dad wreck it or something" . Well, (coincidentally) he backed into a telephone pole on the way out of a person's driveway, and screwed up the backside pretty nice. So, he has to take it to the shop tomorrow and I am stuck with --- THE BUG. If Mom was home (meaning the Jetta was home), then I could drive that for a few days. But NOOO... I get stuck with the devil stick shift car. *sob* Somebody help me! I am going to KILL myself and everytime I drive that thing I am shaking like a leaf. I am going to have a heart attack on the way to my college class. I just hope that I can get there in one piece...

yes, it is friday

I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!! We have a swim coach and I am so psyched!!! He is supposed to be very experienced and since he is male, that will encourage guys to come out and swim. I am starting to get used to my job, but I still will be in the middle of making a drink, stop, and think "What the hell am I making again?". The girls are really nice, which is a HUGE relief - I was afraid of personality clashes. Then, we got our grades for Western Civ today. He stuck the paper on the door and everyone rushed to it. I grimaced just imagining the score while I fought through the crowd. I got a B. I couldn't believe it. There was no way (with all those crappy test scores) that it was true. But our instructor explained that homework counted 20% of our grade, which caused a drastic raise. Homework might blow, but it sure does pay off! Seeing that grade made me recall my mom b!+ching at me last night about how there was NO way I was going to get above a C. Well, I did. And maybe there is a God. *chuckles* Anyway, the BBQ Festival is tomorrow and that means that my sleeping-in time is going to be limited. I can already hear the people yelling and honking horns in order to squeeze into what THEY call a parking spot (this could be a yard, the sidewalk... people get desperate). This entire week has had a heavy overcast and it has drizzled off and on for the past 3 days. The temperature has dropped, which makes it a nice day to just snuggle up under the covers and snooze. Damn school. The SAT scores are to be posted today, but they put a message on their site saying that I should check mine later due to heavy traffic. Lame. I want to know my SAT score and I am so nervous. Well, it is about time for me to head off to my favorite place (woohoo... gag me) and just get through the day. I hope I can remember all 18 lines of the prologue to the Canterbury Tales. "Whan that aprill with his shoures soote..."...

boulevard of broken dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone


I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone


I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk away

-- Greenday

Damn good song.

a winning weekend

Woohoo! I got Year-End Champion in the Special Hunter Division with Bear! I am so happy! It was extremely cold and really windy that day, but we still came out in the end. My lips are cracked and my face is wind burnt. After doing my division, I hopped on another pony to help knock down the same girl that tried to beat me in another event for one of the girls in our barn to win. Of course, she did. It was what we wanted, but then again, I felt bad for that same girl to come in 2nd both times. Oh well. Sunday, I did a ping-pong/badminton/Western Civ/Environmental Science mix. Then, I helped clean the inside of my mom's car in order for Alan to get some cash. I was about done when I got an unexpected phone call. I like suprises! It was good to catch up again and I found that someone else won this weekend as well. I ended up not getting a good night's sleep for some reason -- I just kept waking up and waking up. I woke up to a dreary Monday morning which ended in an overall cloudy day. The second section of Western Civ has started and Mr. Bosch got right down to the notes. The other Western Civ class got Krispy Kreme doughnuts and 20 minutes of class. Now THAT'S lame. He said that we will get our tests back either tomorrow or Wednesday. Man, I am scared. I also went to my new workplace to fill out some last bits of paperwork and get a look around. I got two shirts for work and they are so cool. I start tomorrow and I am a bit nervous... I hate starting out jobs because I feel so ignorant about everything. Then we had school, which was just - school (no other way to describe it). Then for APES, we went to the Waste Water Treatment Plant, which caused about half the class to about lose their lunch. After that was the volleyball banquet that caused my absence in swim practice today, but I will swim after work tomorrow. I am starting to come down with something and my throat is getting scratchy. Can you contract a cold over the phone?

the end of all seasons

Volleyball season has officially ended. I am kind of glad that it is over because I don't have to suffer like the rest of the team members who actually care when we lose. It pisses me off the see the underclassmen so apathetic about it - it's like they're just there to say they are on the volleyball team. Tomorrow morning will also be the last morning I will have to stumble out of bed at an ungodly hour for a horseshow. Bear and I are 22 points ahead and I don't intend to lose the title on the last show. Unfortunately, Bear and I haven't been clicking too great this week. It is like I try TOO hard and end up not being able to read the distance from jump to jump. It makes me frustrated that, in order for me to do well, I have to NOT think about it. Luckily, my instructor is playing the game of interference (nothing new, all instructors do it) just in case anything goes wrong. In other words, she will make sure that the girl who is behind me in points doesn't get a single 1st. In a way, it is reassuring... but it also makes me feel like I can't win this on my own. I will just do my best tomorrow and get whatever I deserve. Going out to the barn today made me realize that summer really is coming to a close. The air has gotten cooler, the leaves are starting to turn, and it is getting windy. You can almost smell fall coming - if you get what I am saying. Now that all of these things are coming to an end, I will just have school, swimming, and my new job to deal with. Did I mention I got a new job? About a week ago, I strolled into the Black Chicken (the uptown coffee shop) and got my frappé as usual, but was caught on my way out by the owner's sister. She wanted to know if I had a job and if I wanted one. Needless to say, I have ALWAYS wanted to work there ever since it had opened, but I settled with lifeguarding for the summer since they told me that they didn't need anyone at the time. NOT saying that I would pick making coffee over guarding! I will most likely let the college kids take my place behind the counter for the summer and I will mosey on over to the pool. Water is my home. :) I am still upset over my Western Civ class. Upon taking a test today, I about broke down crying when I left the room because I think I failed it. My memory bank and history mix like oil and water. No matter how hard I try to learn it, memorize it, drill it into my SKULL... it just doesn't stick. Well, I am definitely going to bed to get some precious hours of sleep before an early awakening. The sniffles are also going around and I don't want it. Sleep helps the immune system, so I am going to build that up.

curiousity will kill the cat

Ever wanted to meet someone because you were so curious to know what they were like, but everytime you just want to say a mere "hello", you jump back with a queasy feeling in your stomach and try to steady your trembling hands? I have contemplated about an insane idea that popped into my mind a few days ago. I want to get to know someone, but I am afraid of the reaction. They seem like someone I would get along with - sarcastic humor with a pinch of bitterness. But just using two letters to start a conversation could end in complete chaos. There is a risk of her not liking me, especially the sliver of information she knows about me (not very appealing, I might add). Maybe I should just forget about it and not take the chance of conflict. I don't like conflict, but if I see it coming, I won't avoid it. I believe I will just leave it alone in order to make my life and others' easier.

in this diary

Here in this diary
I write you visions of my summer
It was the best I ever had
There were choruses and sing-alongs
And that unspoken feeling
Of knowing that right now is all that matters

All the nights we stayed up talking
Listening to 80's songs
And quoting lines from all those movies that we love
It still brings a smile to my face

I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually
You'll finally get it right

Breaking into hotel swimming pools
And wreaking havoc on our world
Hanging out at truckstops just to pass the time
The blacktop's singing me to sleep

Lighting fireworks in parking lots
Illuminate the blackest nights
Cherry Cokes under this moonlit summer sky
2015 Riverside
It's time to say goodbye

Get on the bus
It's time to go...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually
You'll finally get it right

Get it right...
Get it right...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually you'll finally get it right

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually you'll finally get it right



Good song... so many memories that feel like so long ago, but still bring tears to my eyes.

nothing left

Wow, I just finished taking the SAT and I am so mentally gone. I hope I did well this time around, because I REALLY need good scores. Sewanee was good yesterday- the campus was beautiful, the architecture was inspired by Oxford's (most buildings made of stone from their own quarry), the food was good, and the environment was pretty friendly. I didn't get this HUGE conservative vibe that everyone said it had, so I don't think I would have a problem "fitting in". The observatory looked really cool, but we didn't get to go inside of it. I am definitely taking an astronomy class if I go there. Everything was pretty nice, but I have to make another trip over there to talk to the coach since he SPONTANEOUSLY figured out he had a meet the same day I visited. I might try an overnight visit next time just to get a better feel for it. Their equestrian center was under renovation, and I got to talk to the assistant coach of the equestrian team. He was really nice and gave me a good amount of information. If I swim for Sewanee, I won't be able to ride, but I will surely take horseback riding for one of my mandatory P.E. classes. I know I need to work on my essays for English class, but I can't even THINK right now. Maybe later on today.

WHY do i even try?

I give up too - on trying to help anyone out (you know who you are). Everytime I try to help someone with a situtation they just yell at me and slam me down like it's my problem, and even more, like I don't know how it feels. Well, I do. And I am sick of being a doormat, and last time I tried to be a friend, you hurt me so much by leading me on (that was my stupidity) and then ignoring me. I was bitter after that, and of course, when I saw you again, you just said "Hey" like everything was fine between us. Shut the fuck up! I knew you would do that! And I wanted to turn and walk the other way, but I couldn't. I am sorry for trying to be a friend, and I am sorry for caring. I will just keep my mouth shut from now on, whether you feel to say something or not. Now I can see why no one wants you.

welcome to my life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

-- Simple Plan

just one more day...

The day started off with me snoozing away another good 15 minutes past the time I was supposed to get up. Of course, my parents come running in, screeching at me to get up. 30 minute shower. Late for college class. Almost late for school. Then we had volleyball practice today (one that I THOUGHT would be helpful) and ended up scrimmaging as usual and just goofing off. We have a double header tomorrow against a team we can beat BUT the last team we could have beaten still ended up kicking our asses in the end. Lexington Volleyball Team, folks (no applause needed). Then Alan and I got a hardcore badminton game in just before swim practice. I moseyed on over to the Y, figuring it was going to be SO easy since Tom (our coach) was is Disneyland this week. It was just "the subs", but Tom had left sets. Holy $h!t. We ended up doing a good 3700 in the end. Jessica and I were counting up the amount and were about to DIE. Then I came home at 8 to a nice, cold supper but was interrupted when Mom came home - WITH THE SHOT. I scrambled out of my seat and grabbed the nearest knife. There was NO way she was getting near me with that. Every year I dread it, but I think Mom dreads it worse - giving me the shot, I mean. Last year, it took her a grand total of 45 minutes to give me that thing (kicks and punches included). She kept telling me ALL the things she does for me and how she doesn't want me to get the flu...blah blah blah. I just kept holding the knife. She had earlier promised that Alan would get his shot FIRST so she tried to give him the shot, and he took off as well. The more the merrier! :) Well, she finally convinced me to put the knife down and then threatened to take away my life -- THE COMPUTER! So, I said I would give in and she grabbed my arm and I let out a bloodcurdling scream and shot out of the chair. Mom said that was the last straw and I wasn't allowed to even look at the computer for a week. So, once more, I gave in and let her give me the stupid thing. I believe I wasn't NEAR as bad as I was last year, but I never give up easily. ;) You know.

i was reminded of something...

I just remembered that Leon Moore's birthday is the day after mine. I have remembered that since 4th grade. I wish I could tell him. :( It's bad when someone with such a great future gets locked away for something they didn't do. What a waste of adolescence.
Happy Birthday, Leon. We miss you...

cumpleaños!!!

Yay, I am finally 17. Yesterday was pretty good. I slept until about 11 and then went to Alan's tennis match. Of course, Alan got beat because it was the Barbecue Festival Open Tennis Tournament which meant no age groups. So, he ended up playing 24 and 25 year old guys. What is up with that? But they did get a few games on them, so it is all good. Then we went outside and played badminton - in the rain. Good times. Then I took a shower and went to Cookout with Jason and went to his house to get some yummy cheesecake and then Walt decided to show up. So we hung out outside talking and just goofing off. Then Jason and Walt wanted to do something and I had to go home ... stupid curfew. What pissed me off even more is that the next morning, Mom said that I could have done something with them if I had just told her where I was going... but we didn't really know where we were going. Fun night, just wish I could have known that I was able to hang with them longer. Then I came home, goofed off on the computer for a bit, talked on the phone with Thomas, then went to bed. I also received a Happy Birthday email from Alexi, which really made me happy. I miss her so much. And Walt wanted to drive by her house and blare country music. That would have been great if she was there. *sniff* I actually got up 9 *GASP* this morning. Got my daily dosage of caffeine through a cup of tea and some doughnuts. Then I had to wake up Alan for a mini tennis tournament he had today (one with an ACTUAL age group), so I just cranked up my Yellowcard CD and opened the door up between my room and his room. I had it pretty damn loud, but he STILL didn't wake. So I turned it up even LOUDER. Well, he finally rolled over and looked at me and said something, but of course I didn't hear it. He tried to go back to sleep, but when I mentioned doughnuts being downstairs, he was out of the bed. So here I am now, sitting lazily on this computer while Alan does his tournament. Tonight, we will have my favorite meal and a delicious PIE (Adam Corolla, eat your heart out). Well, it's my birthday... and what can I do now that couldn't before?? As Thomas said, "not a damn thing". Oh well, it's all good. This has been an overall pretty good birthday.
:)

life is...

We won our homecoming football game. Woohoo. After putting all of that work into decoration, we needed it. After the game, I walked with my head down and sat on our steps and cried. I realized that now, as much as I thought I knew who my friends were, I am losing my "friends". They become different people before my eyes in order to please someone else. They tell me one thing and do another. I thought I had it all figured out and now, well now I don't even know. I have had this hectic schedule and my Mom has been telling me how I need a social life, but now I am glad I don't. Who needs a social life when all it does is just put them down? It only shows me that I maybe I don't need friends, and that maybe I can do this all on my own. I have been fine in this schedule without doing anything with friends and I can continue that. I can almost feel my heart harden with the fact that my friends aren't what they seem. People have referred me to a cat before and now I see why. I must be developing the feline instincts of solitude and independence. Cats are to be admired for that... totally living their lives without the company of another. Yeah, sure, it's nice to have another cat around, but it doesn't matter either way. They're cool, calm, and totally in control of everything. They live their life the way they lead it and don't let anything hold them back. Why am comparing myself to a cat? Maybe because I wish I was one. I wish I wasn't a flawed human who has to depend on companionship in order to make myself happy. Why are we this way? Why can't we just do things on our own and not be bothered with other people? So many questions and 2 days until my birthday. Here's one present I have already I received, I guess. I wish I could return it.


You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you gota helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning

You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don’t mean it

When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it

No
I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them

And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you

where do i begin?

This week has been... well, I can't really find one word to describe it. It is FINALLY Friday, but I can't enjoy the feeling of waking up at noon on a Saturday once more. Gotta help with the horses. I hope I do well with Bear tomorrow considering I only rode him once this week and absolutely NONE last week. I rode him this Thursday and he was good, but was feeling a little light in the rear end (if you get what I am saying). I just hope he has both of his shoes on tomorrow. Monday we had a game and LOST SO BAD because two of our best players were gone. I couldn't motivate anyone like Frieda could, so we just worked with what we had. I found out that I was voted the Most Intellectual (girl) and that was all fine and dandy, but I wanted to put my face in my hands and run away crying (from laughter and embarassment all at the same time) once I found out who the guy was. Cole Calvert. Holy $H!T. He is a complete clown and dumbass. The votes were obviously "changed" a bit, so I am hoping it was for a joke. It is a good joke, I will admit, but then that makes me part of it. Senior superlatives are so lame anyway. On Tuesday, we had another game and did a little better since one of the missing players returned (JUDI!). Once the game was over, I asked mom for the time because I needed to get to WSY practice at 6:30, and she said ten til 7. Well, I took off as fast as I could to get ready only to find (in mid-dress) that it was only 6. Confusing - Mom's watch had somehow jumped an hour ahead. So I foolishly played badminton until practice started. Notice I said "foolishly"... I about DIED that practice. I kept thinking "I am too old for this" every time I recalled playing volleyball, playing badminton, and then swimming all in one day. Wednesday, I got a not-so-good grade on my Western Civ test and we were supposed to have volleyball practice, but it somehow got cancelled. So I just swam and didn't die as bad. Thursday, we were pulled out of class for the senior superlative pictures and, of course, the picture was too blurry and ended up being the last picture on the memory card. We took a field trip out to a farm pond for testing of abiotic factors of the water (LOOONNGGG story... but hilarious), then had our Environmental Club meeting. We have to decorate the stadium for homecoming next week. I am sooo excited (NOT!). I rode, then went to my SAT class. WOW, that was the best class EVER and I SURE learned alot about analogies (*wink wink*). And by the way, NO ONE saw me at the fair - it was just someone who LOOKED like me! So bad but good times. Well, my birthday is actually this next Sunday and I have no clue what to do... maybe just nothing. That would be good. I am always good at doing nothing, and it makes me happy to feel lazy here and there. I have a horseshow tomorrow and I have to BE at the barn at 5:30, so I guess that is it about the week. Sleep is desperately needed.

the leaving song part 2

Don't waste your touch
You won't feel anything
Or were you sent to save me?
I've thought too much
You won't find anything
Worthy of redeeming

Yo he estado aquí muchas veces antes y regreso

to...

Break down
And cease all feeling
Burn now
What once was breathing
Reach out
And you may take my heart away

Imperfect cry
Scream in ecstasy
So what befalls the flawless?

Look what i've built
Please don't do this
It shines so beautifully
Why wont you look at me?
Now watch as it destroys me

Y regreso aquí otra vez y comienzo

to...

Break down
And cease all feeling
Burn now
What once was breathing
Reach out
And you may take my heart away

Break down
And cease all feeling
Burn now
What once was breathing
Reach out
And you may take my heart away


I left it all behind and never said goodbye
I left it all behind and never said goodbye
I left it all behind and never said goodbye
I left it all to die

I saw its birth
I watched it grow
I felt it change me
I took the life
I ate it slow
Now it consumes me

Break down
And cease all feeling
Burn now
What once was breathing
Reach out
And you may take my heart away

Break down
And cease all feeling
Burn now
What once was breathing
Reach out
And you may take my heart away

Heart away...