this is how i feel

I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life and yet I'm setting myself up for the kill. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I wish the feeling would go away, not the person. Everything I have done I feel I have done wrong and I want only more out of this but I know I will never get it, no matter how hard I try. You're everything I ever wanted and I just wanted you to know that. Yes, this is just coming from me... not your doctor, not my friends, but me. You are perfect to me and having something perfect in my life has been phenomenal in every way. I sobbed the minute you left because I can't stand knowing that something perfect wants me too, but still wants something else more. Well I can tell you I don't want anything more ... I just want more time with you anyway possible and I will try my best to distance myself from you but its the hardest thing I have had to do. I respect what you have and I will try to stick to my integrity. I can't believe I'm pouring my heart out on here where everyone can see but then I realize what else do I have to lose??? There is nothing else. So there, that's how I feel... I couldn't tell you to your face because the words just couldn't come out. I don't know how you will react but at least it can sink in while I'm gone. I'm finally putting my walls down and showing my soft underbelly. I had to let this out... I just don't know if I have the real courage to post it.

another day is born

According to the results of my last blog, I have come to the conclusion that Thomas will die a painful death. I woke up to find that school is actually going to have to start soon and I am dreading it! I already have a bad case of "social senioritis" as I would like to call it ... as in I really don't give a damn about what the preps think anymore because most of the time they DON'T think... imagine that. And my mom always tells me that I'M forgetful when I had to drive to Thomasville to give her my keys to her car because SHE forgot them. Another comment about driving... GEEZERS, GET YOUR ASSES OFF THE ROAD! If you can't drive, DON'T DRIVE. JUST SAY NO! Just because you have a nicer car doesn't mean you can freaking pull out into the OTHER PERSON'S LANE and NOT have the right away. I would be happy to screw up your car... honestly I could stand to have you rich retired s.o.b.'s pay for the damage. Hell, get me a new car while you're at it. Anyways, I found out that the Y's pool pump has spontaneously broken so I guess that eliminates swimming tonight unless Nathan decides to hold training at Brookside (you can do it, Nathan!). Well, this will be the last blog for a few days because I have to go to Virginia with my mom's side of the family (fun fun) and put up with my three little cousins who called me "mom" last time I saw them and also has to bring a pet on every outing they go to... I think they're bringing the cat. Since I got out of work due to the small population at the pool today, I guess I will go resume my neverending badminton match with Alan. What a day and it's not even 4 yet...

the first EVER

Wow I actually have my own blog... no thanks to Thomas who said I had to get this thing. I don't know how much I will update this but hey I like to write out my feelings. I just have this twirling storm of emotions going on that makes me just burst into tears if I hear a song or see something that might trigger any memory whatsoever. I have never been like this but I hope it stops soon. My summer has been great but it has a slight downhill slop to it at this moment. I have met wonderful people and have great memories from the job I got and man I am sure going to miss it. I am at THE PEAK of my swimming career and I can't stop now... well that's all I have to say now keep you people posted. I have to talk to someone tomorrow about my feelings on something and swim with them before I leave... oh well. That's the least I can do.