a working weekend

I have worked on schoolwork this ENTIRE weekend. It started out on just finishing up my notecards, but it ended in doing so much more. I did my 25 notecards, found 8 sources, and scraped up a 2 page outline for my research paper. Yes, all for that WOMAN I have mentioned in previous entries. Then I did my APES form on every piece of MSW I threw away/recycled this past week, then started on my project that is due Wednesday. Well, swim practice starts Tuesday. I don't know whether to be bummed or excited. I got a new cap today - a silicon one - my latex one split on Friday. Those caps give out on me so easy, it's pathetic. But then again, you can hardly breathe in that pool because the fumes from the chlorine just release off the top of the water. This weekend hasn't been that interesting aside from the Halloween kiddies coming to the door. I dressed up as a ... well, I don't really know on Saturday and just myself Sunday. Things were fine except when kids rang the doorbell like 5 TIMES if you weren't IMMEDIATELY at the door. THE DOORBELL IS NOT A TOY! GOD! Anyways, that about wraps up my weekend. Thank goodness daylight savings has kicked in, so it will at least FEEL like I got an extra hour of sleep.


*Good job to the team that got 5th at Nationals this weekend! I'm so proud of you!

time is running out

I wanted freedom
But I'm restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped
Sense of elation
You'll never dream of breaking this fixation
You will squeeze the life out of me

is it friday yet?

This week has slowly dragged along... making it only a Thursday. Tomorrow we have a Western Civ test and the teacher didn't even mention it. Damn. Yesterday and today, I actually got to class on time. I walked in, smiled, and pumped my fist one good time. That got a nice laugh out of the class... they all figured out that I was having "transportation problems" since I was driving a different car. My english teacher, Clemmie, was getting on my absolute LAST nerve yesterday. It all started when she insisted on altering a PERFECTLY good thesis based on her personal opinion. I liked the original thesis better than the finished product she approved of. A thesis is simply supposed to present the idea of the paper - nothing fancy. The ironic part was that she thought a certain part of the thesis "was redundant" and was already spoken for. The thesis is SUPPOSED to speak for itself! That's what it is THERE FOR! Then, afterschool, there was an NHS (National Honors Society) meeting that I had to be at - and she was the advisor. Well, I had to BE at work at 4, so I told her that she needed to make it quick. She diddled around the ENTIRE meeting: took 10 minutes to go to the bathroom, was reading the parts for the induction ceremony even though the OTHER members were supposed to do that at the ceremony, not a meeting. Whatever. I have had it with her. I am so glad she is getting surgery on her foot so I can be temporarily relieved of her presence. Well, what do you know? Looks like I have to go to school... and put up with her. *rolls eyes*

CAUTION: slow week ahead

Monday morning caused me about 3 heart attacks and a mental breakdown. I got in that devilish piece of metal they call a "VW Bug" and was doing fine until I hit an uphill stoplight. THEN things got nasty. The bug died more times than I can count on my hands and stalled out even more than it died. So I, trembling in frustration, called my dad and told him to get it before I PUSHED the stupid thing to the junkyard. Luckily, he was only a few blocks away, so he came quickly and we switched cars - which left me in the driver's seat of the Yukon XL. Yeah, the big'n... the one I have never driven before. For its size, it was suprisingly easy to drive. It drives just like a car, but you have to remember how big it really is. So, until my car is fixed, I am stuck driving the Yukon. I don't mind driving it, it's just so big and a real gas-guzzler. Oh well... I like being BIG for once and having control of the road! The leather seats with butt-warmers are a plus, too. Even though I ended up in a DRIVABLE car yesterday morning, I was still late for class. We also met our swim coach yesterday, who seems to really know what he is doing. 20 years of coaching and a USS swimmer and coach... not bad first impression! After I looked at our schedule, I realized that work ISN'T going to work once swim season starts. So after I was late AGAIN for class (not my fault, I might add) this morning, I stopped by work and talked to Jaime (my boss) about my conflict. She was totally cool about it and told me to let her know when things settle down and if she has a spot, she will definitely let me come back again. I am glad I got that over with. I am going to finish up work this week so I can get my pay for the 15 days. I felt really bad about just starting and then having to just drop out on them like that, but she was looking for full committment. I was hoping to swim alot and get some money along the way, so we both kind of messed up. I will most likely work in the spring when things aren't as hectic. I guess I am going to have to just primarily focus on school and swimming. I hope this pays off in the end...

Since we don't have to go to class until 11:20 due to testing, I think I might grab a nap. :)

wacky weekend

^^ I seem to like to put alliteration on the titles of my entries... weird, I know. Well, this weekend was the BBQ Festival, the Big Pig Gig, Gettin' Piggy With It... whatever you would like to call it. Hannah and I hung out from about noon to 4:30, then she went home because she wasn't feeling up to the rest of the day... but I really wasn't either. My aunt randomly came into town and was being a total b!tch, which made me mad. I am glad that her and my mom are out of town now. Hannah and I grabbed some lunch and then watched the BMX biker guys do their thing. They were awesome to watch! Then we just hung around for a while and decided to chill back at the house and look at some "End of the World" stuff. The guy who made it IS 18! That's so cool. Then Sunday rolled around and I got my English assignment done, but I still haven't gotten around to the source cards. The problem is, I don't know if she wants a list of the REAL sources or if this is just the practice ones. Whatever. Today ended in total chaos when my dad, out of all times, decided to take Alan somewhere in my car. And I thought jokingly "Ha - watch Dad wreck it or something" . Well, (coincidentally) he backed into a telephone pole on the way out of a person's driveway, and screwed up the backside pretty nice. So, he has to take it to the shop tomorrow and I am stuck with --- THE BUG. If Mom was home (meaning the Jetta was home), then I could drive that for a few days. But NOOO... I get stuck with the devil stick shift car. *sob* Somebody help me! I am going to KILL myself and everytime I drive that thing I am shaking like a leaf. I am going to have a heart attack on the way to my college class. I just hope that I can get there in one piece...

yes, it is friday

I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!! We have a swim coach and I am so psyched!!! He is supposed to be very experienced and since he is male, that will encourage guys to come out and swim. I am starting to get used to my job, but I still will be in the middle of making a drink, stop, and think "What the hell am I making again?". The girls are really nice, which is a HUGE relief - I was afraid of personality clashes. Then, we got our grades for Western Civ today. He stuck the paper on the door and everyone rushed to it. I grimaced just imagining the score while I fought through the crowd. I got a B. I couldn't believe it. There was no way (with all those crappy test scores) that it was true. But our instructor explained that homework counted 20% of our grade, which caused a drastic raise. Homework might blow, but it sure does pay off! Seeing that grade made me recall my mom b!+ching at me last night about how there was NO way I was going to get above a C. Well, I did. And maybe there is a God. *chuckles* Anyway, the BBQ Festival is tomorrow and that means that my sleeping-in time is going to be limited. I can already hear the people yelling and honking horns in order to squeeze into what THEY call a parking spot (this could be a yard, the sidewalk... people get desperate). This entire week has had a heavy overcast and it has drizzled off and on for the past 3 days. The temperature has dropped, which makes it a nice day to just snuggle up under the covers and snooze. Damn school. The SAT scores are to be posted today, but they put a message on their site saying that I should check mine later due to heavy traffic. Lame. I want to know my SAT score and I am so nervous. Well, it is about time for me to head off to my favorite place (woohoo... gag me) and just get through the day. I hope I can remember all 18 lines of the prologue to the Canterbury Tales. "Whan that aprill with his shoures soote..."...

boulevard of broken dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone


I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone


I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk away

-- Greenday

Damn good song.

a winning weekend

Woohoo! I got Year-End Champion in the Special Hunter Division with Bear! I am so happy! It was extremely cold and really windy that day, but we still came out in the end. My lips are cracked and my face is wind burnt. After doing my division, I hopped on another pony to help knock down the same girl that tried to beat me in another event for one of the girls in our barn to win. Of course, she did. It was what we wanted, but then again, I felt bad for that same girl to come in 2nd both times. Oh well. Sunday, I did a ping-pong/badminton/Western Civ/Environmental Science mix. Then, I helped clean the inside of my mom's car in order for Alan to get some cash. I was about done when I got an unexpected phone call. I like suprises! It was good to catch up again and I found that someone else won this weekend as well. I ended up not getting a good night's sleep for some reason -- I just kept waking up and waking up. I woke up to a dreary Monday morning which ended in an overall cloudy day. The second section of Western Civ has started and Mr. Bosch got right down to the notes. The other Western Civ class got Krispy Kreme doughnuts and 20 minutes of class. Now THAT'S lame. He said that we will get our tests back either tomorrow or Wednesday. Man, I am scared. I also went to my new workplace to fill out some last bits of paperwork and get a look around. I got two shirts for work and they are so cool. I start tomorrow and I am a bit nervous... I hate starting out jobs because I feel so ignorant about everything. Then we had school, which was just - school (no other way to describe it). Then for APES, we went to the Waste Water Treatment Plant, which caused about half the class to about lose their lunch. After that was the volleyball banquet that caused my absence in swim practice today, but I will swim after work tomorrow. I am starting to come down with something and my throat is getting scratchy. Can you contract a cold over the phone?

the end of all seasons

Volleyball season has officially ended. I am kind of glad that it is over because I don't have to suffer like the rest of the team members who actually care when we lose. It pisses me off the see the underclassmen so apathetic about it - it's like they're just there to say they are on the volleyball team. Tomorrow morning will also be the last morning I will have to stumble out of bed at an ungodly hour for a horseshow. Bear and I are 22 points ahead and I don't intend to lose the title on the last show. Unfortunately, Bear and I haven't been clicking too great this week. It is like I try TOO hard and end up not being able to read the distance from jump to jump. It makes me frustrated that, in order for me to do well, I have to NOT think about it. Luckily, my instructor is playing the game of interference (nothing new, all instructors do it) just in case anything goes wrong. In other words, she will make sure that the girl who is behind me in points doesn't get a single 1st. In a way, it is reassuring... but it also makes me feel like I can't win this on my own. I will just do my best tomorrow and get whatever I deserve. Going out to the barn today made me realize that summer really is coming to a close. The air has gotten cooler, the leaves are starting to turn, and it is getting windy. You can almost smell fall coming - if you get what I am saying. Now that all of these things are coming to an end, I will just have school, swimming, and my new job to deal with. Did I mention I got a new job? About a week ago, I strolled into the Black Chicken (the uptown coffee shop) and got my frappé as usual, but was caught on my way out by the owner's sister. She wanted to know if I had a job and if I wanted one. Needless to say, I have ALWAYS wanted to work there ever since it had opened, but I settled with lifeguarding for the summer since they told me that they didn't need anyone at the time. NOT saying that I would pick making coffee over guarding! I will most likely let the college kids take my place behind the counter for the summer and I will mosey on over to the pool. Water is my home. :) I am still upset over my Western Civ class. Upon taking a test today, I about broke down crying when I left the room because I think I failed it. My memory bank and history mix like oil and water. No matter how hard I try to learn it, memorize it, drill it into my SKULL... it just doesn't stick. Well, I am definitely going to bed to get some precious hours of sleep before an early awakening. The sniffles are also going around and I don't want it. Sleep helps the immune system, so I am going to build that up.

curiousity will kill the cat

Ever wanted to meet someone because you were so curious to know what they were like, but everytime you just want to say a mere "hello", you jump back with a queasy feeling in your stomach and try to steady your trembling hands? I have contemplated about an insane idea that popped into my mind a few days ago. I want to get to know someone, but I am afraid of the reaction. They seem like someone I would get along with - sarcastic humor with a pinch of bitterness. But just using two letters to start a conversation could end in complete chaos. There is a risk of her not liking me, especially the sliver of information she knows about me (not very appealing, I might add). Maybe I should just forget about it and not take the chance of conflict. I don't like conflict, but if I see it coming, I won't avoid it. I believe I will just leave it alone in order to make my life and others' easier.

in this diary

Here in this diary
I write you visions of my summer
It was the best I ever had
There were choruses and sing-alongs
And that unspoken feeling
Of knowing that right now is all that matters

All the nights we stayed up talking
Listening to 80's songs
And quoting lines from all those movies that we love
It still brings a smile to my face

I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually
You'll finally get it right

Breaking into hotel swimming pools
And wreaking havoc on our world
Hanging out at truckstops just to pass the time
The blacktop's singing me to sleep

Lighting fireworks in parking lots
Illuminate the blackest nights
Cherry Cokes under this moonlit summer sky
2015 Riverside
It's time to say goodbye

Get on the bus
It's time to go...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually
You'll finally get it right

Get it right...
Get it right...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually you'll finally get it right

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually you'll finally get it right



Good song... so many memories that feel like so long ago, but still bring tears to my eyes.

nothing left

Wow, I just finished taking the SAT and I am so mentally gone. I hope I did well this time around, because I REALLY need good scores. Sewanee was good yesterday- the campus was beautiful, the architecture was inspired by Oxford's (most buildings made of stone from their own quarry), the food was good, and the environment was pretty friendly. I didn't get this HUGE conservative vibe that everyone said it had, so I don't think I would have a problem "fitting in". The observatory looked really cool, but we didn't get to go inside of it. I am definitely taking an astronomy class if I go there. Everything was pretty nice, but I have to make another trip over there to talk to the coach since he SPONTANEOUSLY figured out he had a meet the same day I visited. I might try an overnight visit next time just to get a better feel for it. Their equestrian center was under renovation, and I got to talk to the assistant coach of the equestrian team. He was really nice and gave me a good amount of information. If I swim for Sewanee, I won't be able to ride, but I will surely take horseback riding for one of my mandatory P.E. classes. I know I need to work on my essays for English class, but I can't even THINK right now. Maybe later on today.

WHY do i even try?

I give up too - on trying to help anyone out (you know who you are). Everytime I try to help someone with a situtation they just yell at me and slam me down like it's my problem, and even more, like I don't know how it feels. Well, I do. And I am sick of being a doormat, and last time I tried to be a friend, you hurt me so much by leading me on (that was my stupidity) and then ignoring me. I was bitter after that, and of course, when I saw you again, you just said "Hey" like everything was fine between us. Shut the fuck up! I knew you would do that! And I wanted to turn and walk the other way, but I couldn't. I am sorry for trying to be a friend, and I am sorry for caring. I will just keep my mouth shut from now on, whether you feel to say something or not. Now I can see why no one wants you.

welcome to my life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

-- Simple Plan

just one more day...

The day started off with me snoozing away another good 15 minutes past the time I was supposed to get up. Of course, my parents come running in, screeching at me to get up. 30 minute shower. Late for college class. Almost late for school. Then we had volleyball practice today (one that I THOUGHT would be helpful) and ended up scrimmaging as usual and just goofing off. We have a double header tomorrow against a team we can beat BUT the last team we could have beaten still ended up kicking our asses in the end. Lexington Volleyball Team, folks (no applause needed). Then Alan and I got a hardcore badminton game in just before swim practice. I moseyed on over to the Y, figuring it was going to be SO easy since Tom (our coach) was is Disneyland this week. It was just "the subs", but Tom had left sets. Holy $h!t. We ended up doing a good 3700 in the end. Jessica and I were counting up the amount and were about to DIE. Then I came home at 8 to a nice, cold supper but was interrupted when Mom came home - WITH THE SHOT. I scrambled out of my seat and grabbed the nearest knife. There was NO way she was getting near me with that. Every year I dread it, but I think Mom dreads it worse - giving me the shot, I mean. Last year, it took her a grand total of 45 minutes to give me that thing (kicks and punches included). She kept telling me ALL the things she does for me and how she doesn't want me to get the flu...blah blah blah. I just kept holding the knife. She had earlier promised that Alan would get his shot FIRST so she tried to give him the shot, and he took off as well. The more the merrier! :) Well, she finally convinced me to put the knife down and then threatened to take away my life -- THE COMPUTER! So, I said I would give in and she grabbed my arm and I let out a bloodcurdling scream and shot out of the chair. Mom said that was the last straw and I wasn't allowed to even look at the computer for a week. So, once more, I gave in and let her give me the stupid thing. I believe I wasn't NEAR as bad as I was last year, but I never give up easily. ;) You know.

i was reminded of something...

I just remembered that Leon Moore's birthday is the day after mine. I have remembered that since 4th grade. I wish I could tell him. :( It's bad when someone with such a great future gets locked away for something they didn't do. What a waste of adolescence.
Happy Birthday, Leon. We miss you...

cumpleaños!!!

Yay, I am finally 17. Yesterday was pretty good. I slept until about 11 and then went to Alan's tennis match. Of course, Alan got beat because it was the Barbecue Festival Open Tennis Tournament which meant no age groups. So, he ended up playing 24 and 25 year old guys. What is up with that? But they did get a few games on them, so it is all good. Then we went outside and played badminton - in the rain. Good times. Then I took a shower and went to Cookout with Jason and went to his house to get some yummy cheesecake and then Walt decided to show up. So we hung out outside talking and just goofing off. Then Jason and Walt wanted to do something and I had to go home ... stupid curfew. What pissed me off even more is that the next morning, Mom said that I could have done something with them if I had just told her where I was going... but we didn't really know where we were going. Fun night, just wish I could have known that I was able to hang with them longer. Then I came home, goofed off on the computer for a bit, talked on the phone with Thomas, then went to bed. I also received a Happy Birthday email from Alexi, which really made me happy. I miss her so much. And Walt wanted to drive by her house and blare country music. That would have been great if she was there. *sniff* I actually got up 9 *GASP* this morning. Got my daily dosage of caffeine through a cup of tea and some doughnuts. Then I had to wake up Alan for a mini tennis tournament he had today (one with an ACTUAL age group), so I just cranked up my Yellowcard CD and opened the door up between my room and his room. I had it pretty damn loud, but he STILL didn't wake. So I turned it up even LOUDER. Well, he finally rolled over and looked at me and said something, but of course I didn't hear it. He tried to go back to sleep, but when I mentioned doughnuts being downstairs, he was out of the bed. So here I am now, sitting lazily on this computer while Alan does his tournament. Tonight, we will have my favorite meal and a delicious PIE (Adam Corolla, eat your heart out). Well, it's my birthday... and what can I do now that couldn't before?? As Thomas said, "not a damn thing". Oh well, it's all good. This has been an overall pretty good birthday.
:)

life is...

We won our homecoming football game. Woohoo. After putting all of that work into decoration, we needed it. After the game, I walked with my head down and sat on our steps and cried. I realized that now, as much as I thought I knew who my friends were, I am losing my "friends". They become different people before my eyes in order to please someone else. They tell me one thing and do another. I thought I had it all figured out and now, well now I don't even know. I have had this hectic schedule and my Mom has been telling me how I need a social life, but now I am glad I don't. Who needs a social life when all it does is just put them down? It only shows me that I maybe I don't need friends, and that maybe I can do this all on my own. I have been fine in this schedule without doing anything with friends and I can continue that. I can almost feel my heart harden with the fact that my friends aren't what they seem. People have referred me to a cat before and now I see why. I must be developing the feline instincts of solitude and independence. Cats are to be admired for that... totally living their lives without the company of another. Yeah, sure, it's nice to have another cat around, but it doesn't matter either way. They're cool, calm, and totally in control of everything. They live their life the way they lead it and don't let anything hold them back. Why am comparing myself to a cat? Maybe because I wish I was one. I wish I wasn't a flawed human who has to depend on companionship in order to make myself happy. Why are we this way? Why can't we just do things on our own and not be bothered with other people? So many questions and 2 days until my birthday. Here's one present I have already I received, I guess. I wish I could return it.


You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you gota helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning

You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don’t mean it

When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it

No
I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them

And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you