I'm still waiting for the world
To come crashing down ahead
And I'm still waiting for someone
To call me up and tell me "You're dead"
Sometimes I wonder what was going through your head

Hey, I don't know
But I won't go there again

You make me smile so wide
When I look into your eyes
And when you're not around
You know you're somewhere stuck inside my mind

fantastic friday

Wow. I don't even want to recap the day... just the evening. Hannah and I decided to hit up Sonic and grab some shakes, then drive around. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure how it would go. We went for it anyway. The directions to his house were in my car, but I was driving my mom's. So, I had to remember them off of my head. I made it there, and we pulled in slowly as my headlights caught the reflecting lights of the 2 cars in his driveway. I wasn't sure if anyone was there, but we figured out soon that the place was deserted. We walked around to the dock and then to the bench his grandfather had put there. The stars were awesome and the moon was so bright you could see where you were going even through that short path to the bench. We sat on it and looked at the water... it was so calm and so quiet. Hannah and I got into deep convo about Lexington, Governor's School, fate, and just life in general, when a shooting star caught both of our eyes and we gasped. It was amazing. I wish he could have been there to see it, too. I don't know if he will be mad about it, but I had an urge to go to his house for a long time. I just never got the courage to do it alone. I am glad Hannah was with me even though she freaked out at first. LOL. Then on the way home, we just sang to some of Hannah's CD's and even harmonized on blink-182 songs. *high five* It was a really cool night and I am still happy I didn't go alone. If I would have, I just would have felt sad and made myself cry when I recalled all the memories. I didn't want to cry when I went to his house - I just wanted to remember and smile. And that's exactly what I did. I caught myself saying "I remember when ..." and going on with a story, as if it was happening all over again before my eyes. Even though I sometimes get upset with him, I realized how much I really do miss him. Damn, damn I miss him.

1 more month... *sigh*

terminal tuesday

Wow... everyday should be like today was! Western Civ was the usual, but in Math, we did 2 deriviative worksheets - nothing more. So half the period, Tiffany and I got drinks, I stole Mr. Cuddlesworth, Rosco took and WORE my jacket (it was fitted and Rosco isn't QUITE my size), then he took Mr. Cuddlesworth WHILE wearing my jacket, then finally he gave me my jacket back. Suprisingly, it didn't hang off of me once I put it on again. He HIT me with Mr. Cuddlesworth, THEN offered a truce. Would you really accept a truce after you got hit by a teddy bear? I think not. I stubbornly refused at first, but finally gave in. I don't think I could take much more of his games. But, his games only got worse by the end of the day. Our teacher in APES was gone to Disneyland (boo...) and we had an awesome sub. She let us go to the blood drive and get food - I mean, get the VCR for our documentary video. Hehe. Well, as many as you know, I am TERRIFIED of needles, and the blood drive was today. Everyone really wanted me to give blood, but I would either pass out or freak out - take your pick. Rosco had given blood earlier, and when we walked into the gym where it was held, I shuddered at the smell of antiseptics. I just wanted some food, then I would leave. We got some pizza and as I walked out, tense in fear from just the mere scent, Rosco remembered my phobia. He quickly grabbed my arm and said I was giving blood. I tensed up even more and said "No...no...no...", but he kept pulling. Personally, I found it pretty hard to resist the strength of a basketball player who is like 190 lbs and almost 6 feet tall. When I noticed I was moving IN the direction of the gym again, I squeeled softly and started doing what most animals do when they are being dragged... sitting down. So, I laid on the floor and my voice started shaking as I kept saying "NO NO NO!" and he bent his arms to FULLY pick me up. About that time, I started SCREAMING like a murderer was at my heels and hyperventilating. He quickly scooped me up, ran me outside, and told me to just breathe. He said that he had never heard anyone scream so loud in the halls like that before. I used to tell him he had NO idea how scared I was of needles, but I think he has a slight idea now. I don't know what Rosco's deal is, but he has made things a little more interesting for me in school, which is never a bad thing. I swam three times again today, and I am SO exhausted. Drew is making me brownies tomorrow so we can have coffee and chess along with them. What better way to start off a Wednesday morning?? :)

miserable monday

The day started out as bad as any day could be... Monday, running on 5 hours of sleep and emotionally drained. I just wanted to lay in my bed and hope I shrivelled into nothingness just to avoid the day. The entire day I spent sunk into my chair, in a completely different mindset than everyone else. It was like I was in a totally different place. Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day of school this week. I gladly turned in my research paper today and am so happy it's over with. Unfortunately, I have to look forward to whipping up a good essay for my application to Sewanee. I have pushed it off to the side a lot lately and I definitely need to have it done and sent in before Christmas Break. As usual, the swim team has slimmed down to almost nothing. It's the lowest number I have ever seen... just three. *SIGH* I can't wait until this semester is over with and I can relax with my friends that return for the holidays. I got really psyched when I found that I have a meet during the time one of my swim buddies is in town. I can't wait to show him how much I have improved! Things will be awesome, even though they are coming and going. Just spending time with them will always make things better. Thanksgiving is almost here and my bestest friend has not returned, either. I am anticipating the phone call that summons me to her house to do something random, childish, and well... fun! Hehe. I really do miss her and sure could use her with the $h!t I am going through. She will be excited to hear some news (which is OLD news to me), but not too happy about others. Everytime we see each other, we just want to spill out everything that has been going on in our lives, but we can't seem to get it all out at once like we want. I sure hope she comes soon...


I still can't listen to "I Miss You" by Incubus, for I am unable to hold back my emotions. It is a dangerous song for me.

your picture

I look at your picture one last time
Before I put it away forever
I remember when I used to look at it
For comfort
To make me smile
To let me know someone was there
But your picture has been abused
Over used
You should have never posed
You shouldn't have allowed it
To fall in my possession
It softened my heart
And put it in danger
Now my vulnerable heart has been done
What was expected to be done
My fingerprints are permanent
Of where I held it so long
Please let this be a dream
I know you have my picture too
But you don't look at it like I do

-- Me

turkey, here i come

I can't wait until Thanksgiving break, especially since it is only 3 days away. My research paper is done and I did it talking on the phone with Drew and making plans with Hannah online. Yeah... maybe I should check over it ONE last time. When I checked the word count, it was 1,297 - and the maximum words my teacher will accept is 1,300 or she will start taking off. What now, bitch?!?! Can't touch this. Last night, Hannah and I hung out and watched Saved at her house. At first, it was sickeningly goody-goody religious, but it got better as it went on. We polished off an ENTIRE bag of Twizzlers and chugged our Sprite Remixes. Good times. On the way to Blockbuster, she was taking pictures of us... while I was driving. So I was like "Wait until a straightaway!" and then would pose for the pic and just trust my hands to keep the wheel steady. Yep, this is the day after I got my car back from the shop. Oh well... I know every turn in the city and how my car takes it, so it's all good. On the way home from Hannah's, alone in my car, I just got this feeling of realization. I cranked my music up loud, opened the windows and sunroof, and just yelled "I'm FREE!". It was one of those bursts of energy that originates from deep inside of your chest and makes you just scream in happiness. Spontaneous relief. I don't know why I said I was free, but at that moment, I felt what free was supposed to feel like. There was nothing holding me back or bogging me down - no weights tied to my heart. My entire body felt so light, and I gripped the wheel with a feeling of power and pressed the accelerator. The wind blew my hair everywhere, but I didn't care. It was an awesome feeling to just have that cold air swirl around me and let me know I was really alive. When I got home, I felt emotionally satisfied. Then I woke up this morning and it almost seemed like last night was just a dream. But I know that it really happened. Whatever it was, I want moments like that more often.

...

The boat rides we would take
The moonlight on the lake
The way we danced and hummed our favorite song
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long

The midway and the fun
The kewpie dolls we won
The bell I rang to prove that I was strong
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long

The early morning hike
The rented tandem bike
The lunches that we used to pack
We never could explain that sudden summer rain
The looks we got when we got back

The leaves began to fade like promises we made
How could a love that seemed so right go wrong?
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long

I've tried so to forget
At times I do
And yet
The memory of you lingers like our song
The things we did last summer
I'll remember all winter long



Yeah, an old Frank Sinatra song... but hey, the lyrics fit.

TGIF

W00T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so scared afterschool when Hunter (one of the guys on the swim team) and I first went to the stadium, then the pool. The coach pulled me aside and asked me where I was yesterday. After telling him that I hauled ass over and tried to call him, he said he appreciated my effort. So we swam until about 4:15, then Ashley and Hunter had to leave for their church trip this weekend. The only ones left was the coach and I. He decided to do time trials just to see where I was at. So, he asked me my goal for 100 Breast and I just wanted under 1:20. Well, he timed me and... I did a 1:17.87. I couldn't believe it - and that was just at practice!!! And I just broke the 100 Breaststroke school record. Right after that, he timed me in the 200 IM and I did a 2:45, which is still 7 seconds faster than the state cut. I have never done IM before, but I decided to give it a try. In the swimming dept, I am really doing well.

I just hate being confused. No one can make up their mind and they just float in the middle so that things can slip by both ways. I HATE being an option and I am sick of playing games. Am I just a side dish to you? You make me feel so low, even though that's the last thing you want to do to me. Don't get my hopes high if you don't intend to fulfill them. I think... I am letting go.

enraging afternoon

I am gritting my teeth just to keep from using just pure profanity to explain my thoughts. The day started out with a shitty grade in Western Civ. Then I came to school and finished the multiple choice part of my test in Math and, since Rosco used PERMANENT marker on my back and the "tattoo" hasn't come off, I stole Mr. Cuddlesworth while he was asleep. Of course, Sherona ratted on me and he knew who had abducted his teddy. Yeah, a star basketball player who has a teddy called Mr. Cuddlesworth... I don't know, either. Then, at lunch, it happened. I had already heard some shit talk about me through someone and then I tried not to mention his name, but Scott's stupid ass had to say it as loud as he could. So, of course, the twits at the end of the table start shit talking some more. They kept saying how I never skip a day talking about a guy, how I don't have any friends, and all this other bullshit. It was definitely one of those times where you have absolutely NO clue how you held yourself back... it's as if YOU didn't, but something did. I wanted to lunge across the table and just take them out to the floor... like in the movie "Mean Girls". Gosh. They have a lot of shit to talk, but nothing to back it up. I think that it was generated from jealousy, since one of them got denied by the guy I mentioned. Yes, this guy and I actually talk about REASONABLE things, as opposed to where we SHOPPED that day or something ditzy like that. I was hoping to avoid the high school drama this year, but it never fails. I can't wait to leave this god-forsaken, stupid ass town. There is nothing worth staying for. And they say I have no friends, when all of my good friends live out of town... that might just give a hint of how the people are here. Everyone knows everyone else and is always wanting to know the latest scoop on others, yet they only care about themselves. Well, keep your head stuck up your ass because that's the only place it belongs. I would hate for it to be anywhere else, especially since it's practically empty anyway. Go marry some rich prick and just get your fake life over with, will you?

Oh, and the funniest thing happened last evening. I ironically went to the Y to procrastinate, but ended up doing some random guy's Spanish hw. I wasn't sure if Ashley was going to swim, but I went anyway around 8. I really didn't feel like swimming (weird, I know), so I laid out on the bench in the natatorium and waited. One of the guys who lifeguarded poked his head out of the office and said I could get in the pool if I wanted. I explained to him that I was waiting for someone. Him and I had exchanged a few comments here and there over the past few weeks, especially when he first exclaimed "You're here AGAIN?" when I started swimming 3 times a day. Well, one of Ashley's friends, who also lifeguarded, came running in. She said that Ashley was coming to pick her up for cotillion. I followed her to the door of the office and asked the details. So, she invited me into the office to wait on Ashley, which was much cooler compared to that humid pool area. I laid out on the couch they had and noticed that the guy was struggling with his Spanish I homework. He asked me if I understood it and I just told him I was taking Spanish IV next semester. Well, that was convincing. So, Ashley came in, her and her friend left, and I did the guy's homework. Halfway through it, I found out his name and where he went. I found it odd that I was doing this guy's homework and I barely knew him. Oh well, we just talked a bit, finished the hw, then I left at 8:45. I just told Mom that Ashley and I worked out. Spanish I verb conjugation beats Western Civ terms anyday.

terrific tuesday

Today didn't start out too great since, even though we didn't have college, I had to go to school at regular time. It totally defied the point of getting to sleep in. We had a wacky schedule change due to testing. Well, school went fine... we planted flowers to improve the landscape of the school in APES, I was vandalized by Rosco in Math class when he drew a tattoo-like "Rosco" with a heart on my lower back while I was leaning over to ask someone a question, English I just goofed off because I had already finished everything due tomorrow on Sunday, then I went home for lunch and the rest of school because 4th and 1st periods were switched. Mom and I ate at Buddha's (so delicious!) and then I ran back to the school for weight training for swim team. Holy shit. The man is seriously a sadistic psycho-bitch. He made us do these crazy weight sets, then he literally CHASED us around the stadium (on the steps) and said if he caught us, we would have to keep doing more. So, I come home, plop on the couch, NOT being able to lift my arms. Then, I remembered that Central swam North at the Y, so I went and cheered some of my peeps on. Yey, Ashley got 1st and so did Central's 400 Free Relay! W00t. Then I swam WSY, not thinking I could do it with the condition of my arms, then swam distance with Ashley. I did a 200 Breast at 100 pace and kept up right beside her... incredible. I am really starting to scare myself. Things are really looking up right now, maybe because I am keeping myself busy with swimming, swimming, and swimming. Tomorrow is another day, and who the hell knows what will happen - but I DO know I am rocking those convertible pants. Damn straight.

glory fades

Die young and save yourself...

sad saturday

Last night, (being a Friday night, yes) I went to bed around 11. There was nothing really to do and I was still tired from being sick. I figured I would be over it by now, but I am still coughing and sound funny and stopped up. Ever had those days when you feel down and empty, yet you don't know why? I did something with 2 people today (which is alot for me), and it didn't make a difference. I just wanted to wrap my arms around my knees and look up at the dark sky alone in the cold. Watch the stars and know that of the vast night sky, I am just a meaningless speck of the universe. Something that could scream at the top of my lungs with every bit of energy I possessed and still not be heard. To the universe, you are inivisible. That's what intrigues me about stars. They just decorate the sky and look so still, so quiet... yet you know that they are actually moving or either don't even exist anymore. I wish I could be one of those stars in the sky... be marvelled at from afar and not be really known to anyone. Every one of them is beautiful. But I am one of those stars that is burnt out, it seems. One of those ones that shine no more and just float in the atmosphere as a dust speck. I don't know what else to say.

i don't wanna be told to grow up

After checking out the comments on my band audition adventure, I feel I shouldn't hesitate to post the more interesting stories of my life on here. You guys sure seem to get just as big of a kick out of my situations as I do. Rock on. I visited NC State's campus on Thursday when we were out for Veteran's Day to check out their Pre-Vet Program. They only accept 76 people into their school a YEAR. The guy of admissions was telling us everything we SHOULDN'T do when we applied. It was quite scary. Then we had lunch with Karl at a nearby restaurant. My parents were talking about how much I had matured, and it made me think. I really don't think I am as mature as I seem. I feel more like a 5 year old stuck in a 17 year old's body. Even though I handle most situations in an adult-like fashion, I am still a kid at heart. My attention span is one of a fly's and when it's time to work, all I want to do is play. Most people in my class think of me as the quiet girl with the infinite temper. Sadly, I restrain myself until I get home. My persona goes from sane to untamed in a matter of leaving the school campus. I do random things (can't start to EVEN name them all), still sleep with stuffed animals, and talk to my cats (my BABIES!). I still make little cartoons off to the side of notes in class and get those ridiculous pangs of fear when I walk down a dark hallway that make you walk up the stairs just a LITTLE faster than usual. I always read the comics in the paper, burst out into song at unexpected moments - even sometimes dance. And everytime I fall for a guy, it still feels like a first crush. I secretly daydream about how perfect things could be... how things could last forever and become a romantic experience that neither one of us ever forget and never let go of. Then there are those times when you KNOW what you are doing is wrong, but you still do it just because it's what is the most fun and, most of the time, not what is best. I tend to remember the little things that seem insignificant to most, but always has some importance to me. I can remember occurances so vividly that no one else can recall, even if it happened 5+ years ago. And yet I can't remember a historical figure or site if my life depended on it. I still crank up the music in my car and sing loudly to it, not caring how I sound or look. I put my hair in pigtails occasionally, dress up in funny clothes just to see how I look in the mirror, and imitate my parents by wearing an article of their wardrobe whenever I feel it is necessary. Macaroni and cheese is still one of my favorite foods of all time.
So, did that convince you that maybe I am not a 17 year old girl that is just waiting to grow up?

"Childhood is short and maturity is forever." - Calvin and Hobbes



By the way, I am getting a BANANAPHONE! w00t.

priority

Someone who considers you an option should NEVER be a priority.








That's all I have to say.

terrific tuesday try-out

Today started out with me feeling like complete $h!t. I didn't think I was going to make it through Western Civ, much less for the rest of the day. I popped about a total of 7 pills and walked out the door for class. School was just regular, but the afterschool bit got a little interesting. I skipped out on swim practice for our NHS induction ceremony practice. The advisor said that girls were REQUIRED to wear skirts. I hate, hate, HATE skirts. You wouldn't catch me dead in one. I was having a fit while all the guys sat back and snickered at the fact that they got to wear pants. Let THEM wear a skirt and see how much they like it. During the time we were setting up for the ceremony, I had to go to the bandroom to get some chairs. I saw my brother, spotted the All-County Band forms, and looked back at him. His eyes twinkled as I mouthed to him "I'll catch you later". And you wonder why Alan and I are so close? He's my partner in crime. The band director never really TOLD me if I could try out, but I assumed that it was okay since he hadn't gotten back to me on it. So the practice lasted until 4:30, and I hopped into my car and drove on over to East Davidson to do my thing. I innocently walked in, leaving the horn in the car for the time being, and found my brother. He slyly removed the form from his pocket as we exchanged a few words of thanks. What a conspiracy! I quickly filled out the form, signed myself up for the audition, ran to the car to get my horn, and ducked into the crowd that was warming up. Everything was going great until I was making my way over to the audition room to see how things were moving along. I saw him - my director. I did a quick spin move and darted into the noisy cafeteria. I weaved in and out of crowds casually as I made my way to the room - and got past the director without him noticing. While I was waiting for my turn, I noticed him passing up and down the halls as I stuck my head into a chattering group in order to keep from being seen. Then, it happened. He saw me. We locked eyes as I cringed. Crap, crap... I wanted to at LEAST audition before he found me so he couldn't do anything about it. He walked up to me and, in a smartass voice, asked what school I was representing. Of course, I replied HIS school. He told me that the director of the tryouts said that it wasn't a good idea for me to try out since I wasn't technically in the class. I glared at him as I clutched my horn. He was about to pay for my gas money if I got THIS far and he stopped me. He let out a sigh and said "But... since you are already here and all, I guess you can try out... just don't say anything". I was so relieved. All my nervousness and everything was released once I found I didn't have to constantly HIDE. Needless to say, I walked up in that bitch and got 3rd chair, top band.

sick sunday

This morning, I woke up with an awfully sore throat and one nostril working. I definitely came down with something. I felt worse and worse throughout the morning, but the ibuprofen started working soon and a hot shower also helped a bit. I got my Powerpoint presentation done for APES and am now working on some Western Civ terms. The Lord of the Rings is on, but I don't feel like watching a movie that is 2 to 3 hours long - without the commercials included. I ordered some convertible pants today from Alloy and I am so psyched about it. I haven't had convertible pants since like ... 8th grade. They were really baggy, like the ones I just ordered. Now I remember how nice it was to wear baggy pants back in the middle school days. No one really cared, or more like I didn't care that I wore baggy clothes. They were what was comfortable. Now, all these high school girls are wearing tight shirts and fitted pants that show off their shape - whether it is appealing or not. Makeup, hair, shoes... you name it, they have it. I admit I am a victim of this too, but once I get a hold of those pants, I will DEFINITELY wear them often. I have no shame in knowing that I might not look as great in some people's eyes with baggy pants on, but I would rather wear something I don't have to fight to fit my hips or legs into. It's my senior year - who cares what the hell I wear anyway? I miss the days when others weren't so judgmental of how people looked and cared more about who they were as a person. Society is so hopeless today... girls constantly yearning to fill this perfect form of what people call "beautiful", which is realistically unattainable. You will never be skinny enough, never be the right height, and never EVER have enough makeup on to cover the flaws you have. Give it up. Who really wants to live a superficial life, anyhow? You spend every minute of your life trying to please the eye of every spectator. You don't live your life for you; you live it for everyone else. So go on, flash that fake grin and pretend you are happy with who you are. You might look flawless, but your identity is so flawed it doesn't even exist anymore. Who are you, again? No one can be the ideal girl. How sad.

a 'wow' weekend

This weekend was SO much fun! I went and did an overnight visit at Sewanee with one of the swimmers. Friday and Saturday there was a swim meet and that was fun to watch - and time. We (the other recruits and I) weren't expecting that, but they needed timers and Coach Obermiller volunteered us out name by name on the P.A. system. It was great except for timing the mile. Holy $h!t, if things couldn't be more boring than watching someone do 66 laps STRAIGHT - 5 times. Coach Obermiller is a short, middle-aged man who is RIDICULOUSLY giddy about everything, but I loved him anyway. Then we hit up the pub for some sandwiches after the meet on Friday, went to the market, went to another swimmer's room to watch a movie, left halfway through it to hit up a frat party to see how the band was (they were taking a break when we got there), went to my host's bf's room to see how he was putting up with his shoulder knots, then went back to the dorm and went to bed. The meet started at 10 this morning, so we had to be at the pool at 8. Ugh. Even thought the cafeteria wasn't REALLY open at 7:30, we still somehow got in and got some food. Once more, the recruits and I had to time. It was so much better to just do regular events instead of weird short ones or crazy long ones. For once, I didn't have to swim, but just watch and press buttons. All of the swimmers were begging us to stay another night to go to the Viking Party (have to break out the furs!), but only one was staying another night and her bf swam for the team anyway. I am glad to be home, but at the same time, I had this weird feeling of missing it already when we left. No wonder all the students call it 'home'. Well, if I don't do some crazy change of choices within the next few weeks, I believe Sewanee is the place.