Tuesday, December 27, 2005

countdown...

10 FIRSTS.....

FIRST BEST FRIEND(s): Tia Davis
FIRST SCREEN NAME: equuswebsteruus
FIRST PIERCING: Ears
FIRST CRUSH: Sam Jordan (hahaha)
FIRST CD: Destiny's Child
FIRST CAR: Cam Cam
FIRST TRUE LOVE: Austin
FIRST STUFFED ANIMAL: Can't remember back that far... but I do have Cobalt!
FIRST FAVORITE TV SHOW: Power Rangers? I dunno... haha
FIRST TEACHER: Mrs. Mason


NINE LASTS...

LAST ALCHOHOLIC BEVERAGE: Smirfnoff Twisted Black Cherry
LAST CAR RIDE: From DC ... ugghhh
LAST MOVIE SEEN: Fun with Dick and Jane
LAST PHONE CALL: Alexi
LAST CD PLAYED: Yellowcard
LAST BUBBLE BATH: It's been a while... in dire NEED.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED: Few days ago
LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED: Few minutes ago most likely
LAST TIME YOU FELL: Um... I have pretty good balance *trips over own feet*


EIGHT "HAVE YOU EVER"S...

HAVE YOU EVER DATED ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS: When he was a best friend, yes.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED: No.
HAVE YOU EVER SKINNY DIPPED: No.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV: Not sure.
HAVE YOU EVER KISSED SOMEONE AND THEN REGRETED IT: Yes, yes, and yes.
HAVE YOU EVER PURPOSEFULLY TEASED: Yes.
HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED: Never.
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE: Yes.


SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING...

1. Space and Air Museum T shirt
2. Lucky Jeans (lucky you...)
3. Socks
4. Silver cuff
5. "Music for All" wristband
6. Canada necklace :)
7. Leaf ring


SIX THINGS YOU DID YESTERDAY...

1. Went to the Air and Space Museum
2. Ate out Chinese
3. Got up way too early
4. Stood outside in the cold
5. Had hot chocolate with my mom
6. Missed home


FIVE THINGS YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT...

1. Friends
2. Chocolate
3. Alexi
4. Sleep
5. Cobalt


FOUR BANDS THAT MEAN the most to you...

1. Daphne Loves Derby
2. Oasis
3. Yellowcard
4. Jamisonparker


THREE CHOICES...

1. HOT OR COLD: Hot
2. BLACK OR WHITE: Black
3. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate


TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Go back to Europe
2. Have 2 children


ONE THING YOU Regret: Denying the best thing I ever had.


Monday, December 26, 2005

yeah.

Woohoohoo...




It's all been done.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

liberation

1.) Everything is grood.

2.) I heart Christmas. :) Such a happy time of year.

3.) Sorta miss my Sewanee kids...

4.) Snow would be nice.

5.) I am adored.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

sometimes...

No matter how much you think things are going okay, you wait for everything to crash in your face. It's like, after a while, you come to expect disappointment, and when it doesn't come... you just wait. The sad part is that you don't want it to come, yet you are still waiting for it. It's like when you're a little kid and you go to the doctor's office. You know you are going to have to get that shot, and all you can do is wait for it to come. Sometimes it just stings, while other times you think you are going to keel over and die in pain. There's no way around it - life is full of disappointments, but isn't there a due date for these things?
What I am really trying to say is that I am waiting for me to fuck up again, like I always do.


I'm hoping to do well on all exams. Because I know I can.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

here's everything i've always meant to say

Just be in love
And I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted
Just close your eyes
I’ll still live as if I’m dying

If I don’t
Make your heart
Skip a beat
Then hate me
If I don’t
Make you feel anything
Then it’s me

I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life

Just close your eyes
And I’ll kiss you like there’s no tomorrow

If I don’t
Make your heart
Skip a beat
Then hate me
If I don’t
Make you feel
Anything
Then it’s me

I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life

So sleep now
So deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close
To the fourwall headlights
And TV screens

I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life




I have made a new friend. :)

Friday, November 25, 2005

why.

One of my old childhood friends died in a car crash yesterday afternoon.


I don't know what to say. It's so hard to feel anything when you can't believe it's real. The worst part is, the last time I saw him, he still had a young face with innocent eyes. He was just beginning to live and was so sweetly ignorant to the pains of the world. Now, he has added to that pain. All we can do is mourn over how someone with so much potential couldn't even show it. It always makes you wonder how they would have turned out, and if you could have seen them just a little longer before they were gone, would you? Would you have wanted to stay with him, even if you knew you would never see him again? Or would it hurt worse? There seems to be no mercy left in this world, stealing the lives from the young. He was one of the better examples of people his age, yet the same common mistake cost him his death. It makes you dread the moment any one of your friends gets into that car and leaves. Thinking about it makes me feel guilty everytime I complain about how horrible my life is going, because at least I have the chance to make up for it and continue on. He never got the chance. It's these things that never make sense and it's times like these that you are slapped in the face by reality. You realize that you aren't always invincible to the chances of life. Everything becomes painfully real. He's gone.
Someone compared him to a supernova... and I suppose it is accurate. When you look into a telescope, supernova's are the first thing that catches your eye. They never last long, so you can only appreciate the beauty of it while it lasts. He shined so bright, but burned out quickly. And even when it's gone, people can still see its aftermath in the night sky... that area still glows.
In our hearts, he will always glow.

Cherish life. It is too precious to take for granted.

R.I.P. William Nathanial Peeler (6/1/1989-11/24/2005)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

the town that you live in

I must say
It's a nice day
When the leaves start to turn
There is so much to learn
From the freeway
You're my friend
For the weekend
When the spring comes around
You can show me the town
That you live in

And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life

I must say
It's a nice day
With the flowers in bloom
There is so much to view
From the freeway
And we're friends
For the weekend
And when the fall comes around
You can show me the town
That you live in

And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life

So hang up the phone
Cause you're probably better alone..
.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

lost in the crowd

So....... tonight. At 7. The Brewery. In Raleigh, NC. Daphne Loves Derby is playing. And I won't be there. Fuck.


This makes me quite upset, considering the minute I was first introduced to their music, I have had a thirst for it almost every minute of the day. They have a new album out and the music on it is fucking incredible. It was then I realized that, at this moment in my life, I live for music. I can't go a day without it. It's what helps me cry, helps me laugh, and helps me concentrate (believe it or not). I can relate to almost every song I have and can express how I feel the most through lyrics. There is no better way to put it than singing it out to the entire world.
Granted, my voice sucks, but I still hum to myself alot. It's almost those moments where I feel like I am going to lose sanity where a song pops into my head, and I am okay again. My arms move to the rhythm of the song in my head (or in the water) when I swim, my feet move to the bass thumping through my skull when I'm at my desk, and my soul sways with the sweet melodies of song. I can't imagine a day without hearing any type of music. There is not a day that exists.

Needless to say, I live, breathe, love music.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

change of seasons

I love fall...




And I would do ANYTHING to see DLD this Wed. Hannah, you are so fucking lucky.

Friday, November 04, 2005

stuck in america

We had a swim meet today. We have one tomorrow morning. Son of a bitch.




I'm tired. And feel empty and invisible again. You only smile in one direction and it's not towards me. I think I should just give up. Because there really is nothing to hope for.

Maybe this will all go away.
I want to cry over nothing. Because you're nothing.






But I am so tired of days that feel like the night...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

enough

If I could transfer to NCSU tomorrow, I would do it, no questions asked.

Monday, October 31, 2005

all that's left

I want this to work.
I want to come home and be able to smile and see you. I don't want to come home and know that it would only hurt to see you (or most likely not see you). I tried to be there for you as a friend, supporting you and trying to pull you up from the ground, but it's as if you won't budge. And as I sob in frustration in front of you, it seems you just turn and look the other way, avoiding my care for you. Well, dammit, I care. And maybe that's a mistake on my part, but will continue to refuse to believe it's a mistake. All I want is for you to be happy and that is obviously not happening. I miss how you used to give me the time of day to have a conversation. Now, I feel like I do all the talking and you never respond. I miss the messages in the morning that made every day worth waking up for. You know me... communication is key. And that part has dropped off the map. Where are you? Where is the person that I met months before who was happy, proud of who he was, and appreciative of everything he had? Where is the person that gave back more than I could ever return and left me smiling, day after day? Where did he go...? The minute I returned from the break, everything changed. I want to know where that person I once knew went. Did he jump into the lake that we sat at? Is he still sitting, alone, at the top of that parking garage? I really don't know. But I wish he could come back. I am not asking you to be a different person, I just want you to be happy. And as I recall, when I first met you, you were happy... and that's the person I became closest to. You can throw me away and forget about me. But just be happy before it's all over with.


And I know it's too late
To crawl back to you tonight
But there's a few things that
I just need you to know
Like the way I felt
When we were close
And how the stars explode
Everytime you are near

Monday, October 24, 2005

please...

You and I
Cold February night
It's been a half an hour
Taking sweet time saying our goodbyes
One minute more
GO

The best day of my life
Is all thanks to you
Precious remembrance sickle rainy day on February
Few scenes from my life or moments
Mean more to me than our fine nights
I remember like yesterday
The time of my life

Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
As week days and week days ran once
I'll be found staring back in time

2-12-99 at the stroke of midnight
Holding you tight
Your body and mine
In February

Few scenes from my life or moments
Mean more to me than our fine nights
I remember like yesterday
The time of my life

Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye


Let's travel back in time.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

the walls all melt to the ground

I woke from my nap with a short sneeze. The air reeked of mixed ammonia, causing me to realize that the cleaning people had come and gone, without my knowledge. They usually chatter about the recent gossip of Hollywood stars and other superficial icons, but they did their work, silent and swift. I looked at the clock. Four minutes before the time I set for my alarm to go off. Things tend to go this way. It was a Thursday morning, almost afternoon, and I was barely stirring. I covered my head with the sheets and sunk down into the comfort of my bed - just for a minute - to gain energy to roll out of my sanctuary of slumber. Under the covers, I opened my eyes to see the beams of light seeping through the small holes of the fabric shielding me, and it was inevitable that the day was calling once again. School, work, and grueling hours of study were summoning me to my desk and to class. In a little over an hour, I would be sitting at that crowded table, racking my brains to remember the conjugations of the pluperfect form of the given verb. I wonder what my parents would think of me hiding under the covers, just for a little bit of peace and procrastination from the world of studious labor.
I was so used to having a laid-back, rushed lifestyle only a few months ago. I looked at my now pale skin on my arms and remembered when it was delightfully brown and smooth. My hair was darker and much shorter, having lost its spotaneous streaks of blonde that made it so unique. People were convinced it was highlighted, but I could only thank the sun for them, and the job was free. The summer was such a relaxed but strict schedule, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I was rarely at home, actually having a crazy social life that had me on my phone and in my car constantly. The evenings on the lake were always magical, no matter how many times you experienced it. Watching the sun set, the light sparkling against the slow and smooth wake, catching your eye like a clean cut diamond under a display lamp. The water was so dark and soothing, making music that could easily lull me to sleep by splashing against the nearby docks. This was my playground of the summer. It was where every emotion possible had occured. My best friend - my dearest, dearest Alexi and I spent our limited time together flying carelessly across the surface of the water. As the daily rain would come, we would stop our speed-demon antics, just to feel the warm water on our skin, and sit to talk. Our legs linking each other's crafts, we would smile, let the raindrops sting our burnt cheeks and roll off our noses, and reflect on the silence of the beautiful lake. Our voices would murmur, paralleling the soft sounds of the rain hitting the water, and the roaring engines of our machines would rest. It was that wonderful time we all called summer. And how I miss it so.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

fragmented thoughts

So... I can't really even think whole thoughts right now. There is so much running through my head right now, but they have no relevance to each other.

My shoulder hurts.

My hands still smell like latex from the Bio lab today.

Fall break is in 3 days!

I really need to study.

I am super tired and don't want to swim tomorrow morning.

I can't wait to see my friends at home.

I need to hang out with some people before I leave for break.

I have to see my Bobo Bear pony when I get back.

All of my professors hate me.

We've got a good thing going on. Oh yes, we do.

I want to beat Jordan's ass to put him in his place.

I can't wait until the lacrosse game. And Erica!

I am so proud of Matt and his water polo team.

Can't wait until I get some good, homecooked food.

My shoulder still hurts.

I miss Hannah. I wish I could see her.

I sure hope I get see Brudder when I get home.

One more midterm to go.

I really should study.

I need to take a shower... hmm ... okay.

I think I'm going to do that.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

confusion/frustration

So, I am on the verge of emotional suicide. And I did it to myself.
This is why I suck at this whole "life" thing.











Less than a week... ahhh.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

slowly losing it...

So I think I am losing my sanity from all this work and all this... everything. I feel like I can't think straight anymore, I seem neglectful, as if I am not doing anything right anymore. Only 10 days, and yet I feel as if we are slipping away...
Have I done something wrong?
I want to rip my hair out and throw myself to the ground. My thoughts are fighting each other, yanking at my insides, side to side. I feel the pain of indecision burn in my chest and my head throbs thinking about it as tears want to well up in frustration. I never wanted this.




I wish I were invisible again.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

:)

Gosh, he makes me so damn happy.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

bittersweet symphony

So I'm here trying to study for Latin and...

I
absolutely
CANNOT
StOp
thinking
about
him.

I don't know what's come over me, but dammit, no matter what I'm doing, it's always him that I am thinking about. In class, I just think about the first time we lock eyes and get to talk to each other, face to face. I think about how when I hug him, I will never want to let go. I curse the days that lay between us and the painful wait that I am going through. Everytime I hear his voice, I just wish I could really see those words really escape from his lips and watch his face form along with his emotions. I want to see his green eyes glimmer from the reflection of the stars in the night sky and I want to see him smile when he catches me just staring at him, appreciating every moment of his presence.
He's that one thing that I wished for over months and months. He's those arms I imagined were around me on the cold, dark, and lonely nights when I was scared about living through the next day. He's that voice I wished I could talk to and hear for hours and hours. He's the shoulder I wanted to sob on, the chest I wanted to rest my head on, and the embrace I wanted to cherish. He's the tender but firm grasp I wanted of my hand that keeps me sane during the most stressful moments. He's the strong, slow heartbeat that I want to hear right before I close my eyes to a best night's repose. He's everything ...

These 16 days are going to eat me from the inside out.

Monday, September 26, 2005

we don't care anymore

There is only one thing
That matters this time
At the hands of judgement
I won't let it die
No sacrifice
Regrets left behind
I won't let it die

This time
Yeah
I won't let it die

Sunday, September 25, 2005

the LOVE tub

So my family is renovating this old house so we can live in it... we are moving in about a year or so. I really don't want to move out of my house, because I have lived there for all 17 years of my life and leaving it would be hard. Alan and I decided to handcuff ourselves to the front door and refuse to let anyone look at it. Our house is worth so much and it would hurt me so bad to see someone tear it apart or let it just rot away. No one deserves our house, dammit. I just hope my parents make sure that the right people get it.
I have always wanted an EXTRA long and deep tub, so my parents went out to the middle of nowhere and found this thing... shag carpet stuck to the inside and red paint on the outside. It's so hilarious, but I guess I didn't say anything about color and texture. Haha... but don't worry, all that will be gone by the time my dad's through with it.
I can't wait until Fall break... 19 days.




It's things like that which make you miss home more than anything. I miss my brother so much.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

never mind the glimmer in my eye

Why are you doing this to me? I thought I had a reason to be happy and all I seem to get is insult after insult of how I feel. All I wanted to do is smile about having something wonderful, but all I feel is confused.


I guess it's me against the world.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

here we go again

Absolute fulfillment... and I have never felt more complete.

Swimming is a bitch and I am so sick of my shoulder giving me shit. I haven't told my mom about it, because she would flip out, and it isn't worth trouble. I am currently running on 4 1/2 hours of sleep (including the after English) and I am trying to keep going. I know by the end of the night, I am going to pass out in exhaustion, but I will try to make it as late as I can.
Every night, I try to hold my eyes open just that much longer to think about him. It's not like my thoughts are forced, but they are always there. I can't understand how, no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my head. I try to concentrate in class, think about swimming or other things in life, but it never happens. My thoughts loop back around to the most wonderful thing that has happened to me yet. I have been constantly happy lately and it's most definitely his fault. A little more than three weeks from now, I will be looking up into those green eyes and grinning until my face hurts. How can someone I have only known for almost 2 1/2 weeks make me feel like I've known him forever and that he has been the missing link to everything? Hell, I practically finished his sentences for him the other night, which was quite scary. The best part was that, with his own voice, he got to say everything he ever wanted to say and it was most definitely more than I thought I would ever hear. Looks like I need to get used to surfing this cloud of euphoria...

Saturday, September 17, 2005

the minute i met you

I would like to start off by saying
I had everything to do with it
You may think that I lie real well
You can tell that I'm holding it in

Never mind the time
Or the spinning of your head
I could tell my life was changing
Since the minute I met you

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed
And what a sight that'll be yeah

I will never tell you this
But I'm scared of falling apart
It may seem like I'm holding it together
But the weather is making it hard

Never mind the time
Or the spinning of your head
I could tell my life was changing
Since the minute I met you

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed
And what a sight that'll be

All my friends surrounding me
Just cause you made it this far
Doesn't mean you've made it

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed
And what a sight that'll be
And what a sight that'll be yeah

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

but when i look at the stars...

Oh, the irony of making a new friend back home when you are at college. What were the odds?
I have been super sick, but the fever only lasted for 24 hours, which was a relief. I was afraid I had some long-term illness, like mono. *shudders*... I hate thinking that. Everyone kept asking what I had and I just cocked my head to the side and looked at them like a confused dog. Yeah, sure, let me go diagnose myself real quick, it'll only take a few minutes. Riigghtt. Luckily, I will return to my sanctuary where all stress is relieved and real thoughts are processed : the pool. The real season started on Monday, but I fell asleep in astronomy and ran a high fever that evening, so I missed the first official practice. Even though I already felt really guilty about it, all the swim team members were giving me hell for it. Sorrrrryy... let me breath in your face and spit in your drink, then you'll be in my position next week. And you better believe I will bitch you out with all the others, too. Ahh, the love of the swim team. I believe there is WAY too much already, considering it is the 3rd week of school and 3 couples (not dating, just sets of two people) have already hooked up. Insane. The worst part is that people are putting money on me and this guy who I see more as a brother than a boyfriend. I will NOT date a swimmer guy (not one on the same team as I) ... that's just how I roll. I also missed practice yesterday because I couldn't even physically make it to English class. That's pretty damn sad. Also, my coach refused to let me swim, anyway. We have been doing the hot seat (something freshmen do) lately and I know I will be coming up pretty soon. Gahhh... the worst part is they can ask you anything... and I mean ANYTHING. Most of them have to do with hooking up and such, all that good ol personal stuff. Oh well, I have nothing to hide... I'm not really ashamed of much. If anything, it was all in good fun.


Forgive me, but I can't be everything you deserve.

Monday, September 12, 2005

time is running out

I knew exactly what you were going to say... every word.
Admit it, I never meant anything to you. Just get it over with. If you think I wasn't saying anything, you were doing the same thing. Words just clumsily fell out of your mouth with no feeling and no content. You were just talking to talk, not to even get anywhere.
I'm not mad, but I hate you trying to tell me how you feel but, at the same time, hold back how you really feel. Just TELL me.

It hurts more not to talk than to hear the truth.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

never mind...

There are better things in life besides you.


I am happy once again, and for all the right reasons.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

done

It's over and done. Infatuation is my murderer at this point and I don't know what else to do. There was always something strong about him... his heartbeat, his grip, his emotions (like mine). I have always had a faint pulse, but now it has vanished into silence. Time for me to crawl into my little hole and stay there, sulking in darkness and the security of my own thoughts and hopes.


I hate it but you'll sleep alone tonight ... well, maybe you won't.



Goodbye.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

wtf mate?

So I am about to switch to another blog like livejournal or xanga because everyone who leaves comments is just advertising and it pisses me off.
Stop, you stupid fucks.

I swing danced on Tuesday with Joey and it was SOOOOOOO much fun! We are so ready to bust a move at the winter formal. It's going to be great.

Got lots of swim team stuff to do this weekend, so that will be somewhat entertaining.

That's all I can think of for now and I don't think I am going posting here much longer... sons of bitches.

Ciao.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

stay what you are

There's something about the look in your eyes
That shows that you really don't care
I sometimes wonder
If you even know I'm there

Invisible it seems
To be my fate in life
Take the heart I gave you
And meet it with a knife

Trembling and cold
I blindly search for light
Clinging to my own warmth
Clenching my teeth tight

What is this I see
Something that could actually be
Worth holding my eyes open for?

No, no...
This couldn't be true
There's nothing worth seeing
Nothing stuck to unglue

So leave me to crumble
Insecure and alone
While your vacant stare
Will forever rip me, through flesh and bone




I am so lakesick right now.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

college life

So... I got my hair cut for swim season. One of my friends cut it and did an incredible job. I look SO much older. That's a good thing, right?







I have something better now.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Hmm.. my mommy used to be a model.  Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

collapse

After all this happiness being built, it crumbles beneath me. My life has been dragged into a life full of blurry chaos, where I can't keep any priorites straight. I need a pause button.


No need to fight fate and distance... we're better off alone, I promise.

Monday, August 29, 2005

photoshop madness







Insecurity at its best.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

this could be different

So I have realized, after having a short convo today, that I tend to have intense emotions alot. There are rare moments when I feel blank, but really sad, happy, pissed, etc. Then I also discovered that all of my close friends are pretty laid back and they are the only thing that keeps me sane. Maybe I should try to tone down my feelings, but I feel that it's something I have inherited or just become. It's hard to try to change who I am at this point, because I want everyone here to see who I REALLY am and not some stupid front.
My homework didn't take very long, but everyone else in my suite has like 300+ pages. That's what they get for taking that religion course.
Hopefully will go camping in GA this weekend. Yay.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

die

You will regret what you did, you fucking losers.

Just because he's vulnerable now doesn't mean he will be forever.




You mess with family, you mess with me and that doesn't fucking work.











I know who you are...

Friday, August 26, 2005

incredible

Wow, I absolutely LOVE this campus. Yesterday really made me appreciate it. So I skipped swim practice... sue me. It was totally worth it.

My classes are good, especially because all of my professors are so similar to all of my good high school teachers. As they all taught, I could pick out all the same characteristics. I think this will be a great semester.

I am so light on my feet, I could be floating. :D

Thursday, August 25, 2005

freakish

As I'm talking
My words slip to the floor
And they crawl through your legs
And slide under the back door
Rendering me freakish and dazed

Well here I am
Don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close
When you're around me
To shut me out

So I'll go walking in the streets
Til my heels bleed
And I'll sing out my song
In case the birds wish to sing along
And I'll dig a tunnel
To the center of the universe

Well here I am
Don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close
When you're around me
To shut me out

I'll make my way
Across the frozen sea
Beyond the blank horizon
Where I can forget you and me
And get a decent night's sleep

Well here I am
Don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close
When you're around me
To shut me out

Don't shut me out...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

always unfulfilled

Maybe I was expecting too much when I first ran into him. His picture and interests first grabbed me, making me leave a comment, just to see if he would notice. It was the stupid, girly crush that, no matter what, you can't help but look his way constantly and wonder if he's looking back. The bond came so spontaneously... from a mere spilling of a beverage and a sincere apology. I didn't know that I would learn so much about him just by letting my foot and pants soak up the liquid that he had carelessly let fall. I loved hearing him speak, because everything he said was so brilliant, but it was sad to know that his wonderful mind was being wasted through a bottle. We were physically and mentally eye to eye, but maybe not emotionally. We both expressed sadness in place of anger, causing more sadness than anything, but we still weren't the same. I was afraid that I would get caught up in something this stupid, but that's me just trying to mend a broken heart that still bleeds and cracks.
The best thing about here is that I can hold an intellectual conversation without feeling out of place. It's great.

I say that I don't take the first step in fear of a hurtful fall, but I am already hurting and there's no ladder. I'm just scared that this is one sided... I wouldn't be suprised.

Monday, August 22, 2005

times like these

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

Sunday, August 21, 2005

gone

So my parents have just left and I don't know what to do. My little brother hugged me like 5 or 6 times. I guess it kinda made me realize that, no matter how many times they had scolded me or annoyed me, they still have put the better influence on me. Once again, the small light that caused my mouth to crack a smile has diminished. I hate pouting when there is so much to do, but I can't help but feel empty. My roommate is really nice and we have a lot in common, but she is much more shy than I and doesn't want to do stuff sometimes. I hope I can break her out of her shell. My suitemate and I already went out and dorm hopped everywhere, so that was pretty awesome. At least I do have someone to do that with at the time being. I am already skipping a lot of the orientation, just because I am sick of being welcomed.
There aren't many people from NC here...



Thanks for being there. You're the best. :)

Friday, August 19, 2005

always you

I'll hold a place for you and I
Inside my heart for you and I
I won't forget these tears I cried
With every year that passes by

And I can't sleep without you
And I can't breathe anymore

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes

I'll give it up this time again
Some things are better left unsaid
And all I have are lasting dreams
Our word's worth more this time it seems

And I can't sleep without you
And I can't breathe anymore

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes (In your eyes)

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes (In your eyes)

In your eyes

Thursday, August 18, 2005

me, just me

This... is me. And who I will be for the next 4 years. I guess I have finally come to accept the fact that I am ready to move away for good. Just because I am moving away doesn't mean I want to be away from my friends, but all my true friendships will be proven whether they can withstand the distance. I just hope that my life will never be too busy for any of them while I'm at college, though I am terribly afraid of that. I know how it feels to be on the other side of that screen, just waiting for them to notice that I am there and will always be there, waiting to talk. I never want to leave any of them staring at a blank screen with no conversation or have that akward pause of disinterest while on the phone. It's probably the worst feeling to have, but it's even worse when you're the one doing it and not even realizing it. I have been accused of being neglectful more than once and that is my weakness in friendships. I can't even use ADD as an excuse for that, because I can manage my time on my own, if I try hard enough. I just want to let all my friends know that, no matter what, I will try my hardest to keep in touch with you. If you feel in any way forgotten, just let me know, because I know exactly how it feels and I would be hurt to know if I ever did that to you. Farewell is so close that I can touch it, but I don't know if I even want to. Parting is such sweet sorrow....


As I try to catch my tears from hitting this keyboard and blurring my words, I want you to know...
I love you all.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

right here

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and
See the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them
All and throw them in my face

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending
It's as much as i can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so
I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words
To say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive
All the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

dear jordan

Yes, many people haven't heard of Grinnell. I sure hadn't until I met him...
I haven't even started packing yet, but have mourned over it a lot. I had to say good bye to my friend that goes to Grinnell tonight and it was really hard. We're such good friends and its sad to leave him (again). I realized tonight that everything from my past 17 years is washed down the drain, just waiting for me to start over again. It's very sad at the moment, because I never had time to feel sad over leaving. I sure didn't cry at my graduation, but I am feeling remorse more than ever. The friends that have stuck by my side throughout it all are leaving (or I am leaving them) and I am fearful that I or they will be forgotten. I had that feeling with an old friend today when I had to drop something off... it was like he saw right through me. He invited me into the house that I used to visit so often and now there was no evidence of my presence, ever. The kitten that we adopted together had gotten so big. As I looked into its little yellow eyes, I remembered all those times we played with it together and all the memories I had shared with him. I hadn't even moved off yet and my pictures with him had been replaced by someone new and obviously more exciting. He was playing his drums when I first approached his house and when I yelled his name in hopes of him hearing me, it was as if I was calling for help. My voice was filled with sorrowful desperation and I couldn't stop saying his name like that. It was then I noticed that all my friends were slipping away, slowly, like grains of sand between my fingertips. Even though I will make more friends, they can never be replaced, which will cause a void to always remain in me, unfulfilled.
Feeling a little down,
Julia



I was too afraid to ever send that letter.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

life as we know it

The beach was fun, outside of the sibling rivalry. I always take the place of the peacemaker and let me tell you... it's NOT easy. I hope I didn't upset anyone by going. *frowns and looks down* I was just trying to make everyone happy...
I am already getting used to work and doing it on a daily basis. It's also only the second consecutive day of it. Sad, I know.
I got extremely frustrated with myself and swimming today. My legs were sore from a combination of capture the flag, constant standing during Warped Tour, water skiing, and biking. Whew. My breaststroke kick was really off, Nathan was trying to fix it, and everything only got worse. I hate to mess with my stroke now, but I think it was just because I was so sore. I still got overly pissed over it. I fear failure more than anything - even more than needles. I guess I just don't want to enter the swim season doing the wrong thing.

"Always" came on my mp3 player today... so many memories.


And I'll miss your laugh, your smile...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

the irony of it all

Okay, so let's be friends, but more than friends, but NOT get caught up in each other. Right.
What the HELL was I thinking?
He was the right person at the wrong time. That pretty much sums it up.

Warped Tour was freaking awesome! Outside of me getting pulled apart from the others during Story of the Year and missing half of the Transplants (it was worth seeing you relieved), it was the best yet. The pouring rain made things even better as we jumped around after drinking those energy drinks. Wooo. Hahaha... I gotta get some more of that stuff. Jonathan and I were booty dancing and swinging our hair around half the time. It was outrageous. Our entire bodies were drenched along with the rest of the crowd. Strikes of lightning shot down while Will, Drew, and I crowd surfed our way through the Offspring show. Almost all of my pictures sucked, but there were a few good ones. I think I really could have brought my digital camera, but after seeing Will's stuff, I was glad I didn't.
Going to the beach tomorrow. *grins widely*

Saturday, August 06, 2005

and if i stop ever thinking of you

So, I was a good friend. I just almost got in trouble for it. Oops...
What a hoe.

I am so tired that I am extremely awake. We had our All Star Meet today and it was okay. I lost my goggles on the 100 IM at the start and a wave of rage swept through me. It had been 4 years since that had happened and I was overly pissed. I was almost screaming with anger as I gasped for air and opened my eyes painfully through each lap. I still placed 5th overall. I think it was my best time. Now THAT'S embarassing. I got either 2nd or 3rd in 50 breast, but that was a pathetic race on my part. My mom and I were totally beat and I was so out there by the time we got home that I thought I was going to fall out in the shower. Luckily, the shower woke me up a bit, but I still fell asleep before Corey came over (oops again).

My parents have been talking about how they are going to miss me, but I have just been ignoring it, hoping that the fact that I will miss them just as much will go away. I've always tried to be the tough one, but I doubt it's going to happen this time.
I will miss a lot of things about summer, as usual.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

i could fly

Time stands still for no one
I know this is true
I've been stuck here waiting
Then along came you
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly

There's no way I could've made it this far
Without you
You came to me just when I needed someone to believe
That I could make it through
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly

Above the clouds
Fly so high
Never come down
Just you and I
I'm so in love
With you
With you
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly

You and me side by side walkin' through the woods in the pale moonlight
Oh yeah now and it feels so good



Wow... maybe he figured out that music goes straight to my heart. :)

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

umm

I miss Alexi.
And trying not to cuss as much, which is really hard when I'm with Hannah.



We pimped out that hat.

Monday, August 01, 2005

back to joining the ratrace

I finished my essay yesterday and triumphantly sent it in, 12 hours early. Thank goodness that is done with!
Luckily, I got to skip out on work yesterday, but today was a different story. After 8 long hours, I was ready to get home. It was a good day, though.
I've realized how much I really am going to miss the kids once I head off. There's no better feeling when, everytime you come around the corner or enter the pool, they scream your name and immediately lock their arms around you. It's priceless.
Tomorrow, Lindsay and I are going to Bagel Station then Starbuck's, like old times. It's going to be great. Especially because we AREN'T going to Bolton ... that's the best part.
I got my shoes in today and they are P-I-M-P. I am so taking pictures of them because you will wish you had them. Hell yes.
One week until Warped Tour. I'm stoked. :) !!!!!

As you can tell, I am WAYYY too tired to express my feelings about anything at the moment. Well, at least not with extensive words.

Get jealous. Posted by Picasa

Sunday, July 31, 2005

exactly

I want so badly not to say things I've said before
When I'm speaking of how I'm missing you
The truth is it's all been so sincere
And it's going to be sincere once more
Drawing from an array of misinterpretations
Was I blunt or reserved when I spoke
Was I ugly or by chance maybe lovely
Are you thinking of me thinking of you
When I'm staring into those green eyes
Do you notice the words I can't even say
And can you see how I'm speechless
But you want so much more than this
The lost imperfections that are me
I hope the words you spoke meant something

-- H.F.

Saturday, July 30, 2005




So I just got in from VA. Yay.
It was much more bearable than I thought it would be. My cousins weren't near as invasive, but sometimes they got a little out of hand. For instance, one of my cousins cried because I couldn't sleep over in their cabin one night. Ridiculous.
I have realized this is my last vacation of the summer (unless WT counts). In some ways, I am really glad to be home, but in other ways, I want to stay away from it all. Even though the first night I caught myself reminiscing over some good memories (that eventually led to tears), I found that my time away from it faded my feelings, too. I didn't get so sad over it and actually was happy that things turned out the way they did. I became optimistic about one of the worst situations of my life. It was incredible. Getting away most definitely did the trick.
As for the physical part... I got a little messed up. I ended up with 3 blisters and a turned ankle all on the same foot. The rock climbing was so worth it. It was the best feeling in the world to be on top of the highest rock while you watched the clouds roll up to meet you in a distant fog. There was a constant, cool mist that blew through the air that collected on your skin and hair. It was so refreshing. I almost wished I had someone to share it with.
I took tons of pictures. :)  Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

almost gone again

Both of those comments from the last blog were from the better things I have. Thanks for always being there.

So I leave for the mountains in VA tomorrow...
Feels like I'm never home.
But I guess, at the moment, being home wouldn't be the best for me. The timing is perfect to get away from here for a while. As long as I stay busy, I won't catch myself thinking about the bad things. Things sure don't feel the same, but they are improving, nonetheless. From what it was, it can only improve.
I am ready to run the trails like a little kid again. That's the best part about camping... you make s'mores, scamper down trails, and are outdoors constantly. Unfortunately, I am not too fond of family reunion camping, due to the lack of privacy and the slower hikers. I really like my little cousins, but they follow me around everywhere and complain on every hike. The only thing I complain of is the time it takes to cook the food and the millions of blisters I rubbed that day now not to mention the splinters and blisters from the beach). So, in other words, the entire reunion consists of heat, bitching and moaning, and all that other great family togetherness. I guess I could say I contribute, but it takes more than one to make it REALLY miserable. Hopefully, I will be able to break away from the chaos every once in a while to gather my thoughts about everything. I tend to have extremely complex thoughts as I hike, because it rarely takes any brain power to walk around. I usually have great ideas and advice for myself and others, but by the time I get back to the cabin, they have vanished. Once again, there is a reason for everything. After my hikes, I realize that maybe I never needed to write them down, but to just get them out there to contemplate.
Wow, I am starting to sound like the author of my college novel... ick.

All in all, I am ready for Saturday. :)

Monday, July 25, 2005

back from the beach

Well, the beach wasn't all I thought it would be.
My brothers didn't ever want to do anything, but at least Drew and Will were available to do something. That was the only fun I had. Oh, and the sushi was good.
And now I have realized how easy it is for anyone to walk out on me. I guess I have always put myself in this position to make me fall and get hurt. Everytime I think I have found a companion or someone I love, they just prove me wrong. It's like I never knew them. During that time, I feel like they would never forget about me. Don't you love that feeling? That feeling that you know, no matter what happens, someone will always remember you? It's always nice to be remembered. It makes you feel valuable.
Well, there's only a few people that acknowledge my existence anymore and I thank them for it. If they are a girl, I most likely hated them at one point, but only for the common things we shared. If they are a boy, I was probably crazy about them at one point and still can't let them go.
Some things never change and that's the best part.
Now, I am just ready for college. I have wringed every bit of good out of this town and am still trying to find a few last remaining drops. They are almost or all the way gone. I even tried to substitute the good things with mediocre things, just to make myself feel better about my situation I am stuck in. But, something mediocre can never replace the best things. And, sadly, all the best things aren't from around here.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

hold your breath

So, I got my housing assignment last night, and it looks great! I got hooked up with the newest dorm on campus, it is co-ed, has nicely sized rooms, and my roommate is from Charleston, SC. I think that my housing situation has turned out very good. That was the highlight of yesterday.
Today, I just worked from 10-5 (AND it was Community Day) and I thought I was going to die of a heat stroke. I actually got burned... what's up with that?? I never burn anymore.
The best part about going to beach is that my brudder and Will are also going to be there. I will at least have someone there I know. Is that a good or a bad thing... ? I guess I will find out.
Well, I am super tired, so I think I am hitting the sack early today.

*Good luck to a special someone...*


If you could hear this now
I would say to you

Hold your breath
Cause it's all you get
To see this through
While I try to forget you

And keep that kiss
Keep it near your lips
With that last goodbye
I hate it
But you'll sleep alone tonight

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

that non summer feeling

Gosh, I am so freaking sick of my mom forcing me to get up at 5:30 in the morning three days a week. It is ridiculous! Summer represents sleeping in and being lazy, which is something I am most definitely NOT doing. I want freedom!! I hate this stupid expectation she throws on me everywhere I go. I can't wait to go off to college so I won't have her riding my ass 24/7. I have a headache and I need sleep...
Hopefully I can sleep at the beach. And work on my tanline... and eat sushi. Maybe meet some new people.
Just face it. I want OUT of here.
Everyone is getting all worked up over the County Meet, too. The only thing I am getting worked up about is the fact that it starts in the AFTERNOON and is at a 4 lane pool! We aren't going to finish by dark, or probably midnight, in that case.
Okay, I think I've done enough complaining.
I talked to my common commenter last night for the first time... it was cool.



Happy birthday... I hope you got everything you wanted.

Monday, July 18, 2005

everything i ever had...

Is gone. I guess I will never get to have that feeling that I am somewhat complete. I will always have that void that is buried deep inside of me, slowly but surely eating me from the inside out. Even when everything seems so perfect, there's always something subconciously missing. You seem so happy, but you know that there is something that is not there. Usually, you never find out what it is until it's too late. You never realize the missing piece was even THERE until you have lost it. Ignorance makes us all take precious things for granted. I guess I will have to be more aware of things as life goes on. I am sure that now I am contradicting one of my previous posts dealing with 'ignorance is bliss'. Because, at the moment, it is most definitely not.
I can't wait to go to the beach.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

paperthin hymn

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating
Leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes
Bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violence
Become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember
To kiss the ones you love
Goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free, and sing
When life is in discord
Praising the Lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

Friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over

These thoughts run through my head




... you always deserved better.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

just wanted to say...

Today's meet was awful. Everything I did was horrible and I never want to do that again. Everyone asked why I looked so depressed and well, I guess I just brought it upon myself, as usual. Sometimes I wonder if we're all better off alone, with no attachments whatsoever. Would that make life more simple and enjoyable or even worse than ever?
My night was going downhill, but I still ended it with a smile.
Believe it or not, my mom can be cool sometimes. :)

I'm off tomorrow, but that still doesn't make a good day. Maybe Thursday will turn out great. :D

You can't save me
You can't change me
Yeah I'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything
Everything's my fault

simple words, complex thoughts

There's so many things I could talk about... but I can't find all the words to say them.

Maybe I could list off a few simple things.

I miss Alexi.
Never try wakeboarding the day before a meet.
New friends make me happy, but sad to know that I will barely know them before I have to leave.
Old friends are still awesome, too.
Did I mention that I miss Alexi?
My car died and it was totally my fault. I have to pay for it, too. Yippee.
The hard drive died 2 days ago and that was NOT my fault.
Have a swim meet today and I wakeboarded yesterday... oops? I got up 3 times!!!
Old crushes are like a nice pair of jeans. They fade with time and eventually fit more comfortably in your life.
Hehe, I love metaphors.

There's a lot more I could talk about, but there's just so much.
This blog couldn't handle it.

Friday, July 08, 2005

beautiful letdown

So Alexi left just a few minutes ago... and I am a train wreck. Every summer progressively gets better and this one most definitely was the best yet. All the times on the lake were incredible. Alexi helped me discover a part of Lexington that I never realized was soo much FUN! When summer started, I was looking forward to leaving this god forsaken town and going to college, but now, all I want is an endless summer. I guess the best part about Alexi is that her and I always laughed about the stupidest things, like that Nike commercial with the ostrich in it. Many things we laughed about never made sense, but that was the best part about it. Even though we've lost many common interests since we first met years and years ago, her and I always find something to share together. If you don't already have interests, you create some.
I am sure going to miss getting out of bed and wondering what on earth Alexi and I are going to do that day.
Have to work from 10-3 tomorrow. Ick.
If you want to do something, just gimme a ring.


Finally being attractive to guys ISN'T what it's cracked up to be. *gags*

Sunday, July 03, 2005

hey guess what

I absolutely LOOOVVVEEE the lake.


:)


tehehee.

Friday, July 01, 2005

wow

Okay, so last night was ... interesting. The convos were somewhat relieving. I was glad to FINALLY know how you felt about everything and it's just great to get that out of the way. It got rid of so much tension.
EXCEPT for Kelley and I's convo. WTF, man?! I am still freaking out. That is SO 4 years ago.
And I got a reply from Matt Hall (my first swim coach EVER when I was like itty bitty), and it made me incredibly happy. So happy I cried. He actually remembered me and described me with such detail that I knew he wasn't just making something up. He was an incredible breaststroker, and just great in every stroke. He still holds the state record in 500 free (Cole didn't even beat it) and half of the school records. He went on a scholarship to swim for UT and traveled internationally. Matt had everything going for him in the swimming area, but his email sounded almost like he was digusted with it. He seemed unhappy of the fact that he was good at every stroke and that he had to go around the world to swim. It was as if he had grown out of it. I guess not everyone can be happy with what they have/had, but I was touched by his email, and he was touched by mine.
I think I've found a new mentor. :)

Sunday, June 26, 2005

nc





You Know You're From North Carolina When...


You've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car trip to Raleigh.

Saying "y'all" isn't just a cute expression; it actually means something.

There are big labrador retrievers in the back of every truck.

You give directions using KFC and Waffle House as landmarks.

You still see Dale Earndheart tributes on cars.

You can't imagine life without Bojangles' sweet tea

Your annual church fundraiser always deals with bbq and potato salad

You have a sunburn from May to October

Your 'heavy winter clothing' consists of some turtleneck sweaters, a fuzzy jacket, and your daddy's boots

Your family has fried chicken once a week

You can tell the difference between cotton fields and tobacco fields while driving

One of your neighbors has a confederate flag hanging on their front porch

Those "damn yankees" are taking over your school/church/workplace/neighborhood...

You've been "properly raised", and yankees love it when they hear you say "ma'am" and "sir"

You get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes, and grits

You know the difference between a "redneck" and a "hick".

You own at least one surf shop or seafood restaurant shirts.

No matter what those people in ohio say, we are still "first in flight"

The Coca-Cola 600 is as big as the Super Bowl

You prefer Chick-fil-a to KFC

You know pastry is a chicken stew, not a dessert item.

Every time you visit someone you’re offered something to eat and a glass of tea.

Your granddaddy always wore overalls and your grandma always wore an apron.

In summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every meal.

When it rains and the creek rises, everyone gathers to see how high it rose.

You know that "chunk" the ball means to throw it.

You've had a burger "all the way" - chili and slaw on it.

You can recognize a copperhead and your heart drops when you see one.

You have at least one relative that raises collards.

Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look at leaves.

Your school classes were cancelled because of a hurricane.

You know Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnut.

You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and loved it, or you hate everyone who did.

You know the best BBQ is found in Lexington

You would rather eat at Bojangles's than McDonald's

You have actually uttered the phrase "It's too hot to go to the pool"

You faithfully drink Pepsi or Mt. Dew everyday of your life.

You have your own secret bbq sauce.

You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family members.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from North Carolina.




sleeping in sunday

First things first ... I got my hair cut!! It's so cute. I really like it, except for the few short pieces that fall out everytime I pull it back. That gets so damn annoying.
I talked to Lauren last night and we caught up on everything. There are only a few people from high school that I still want to talk to. It's so weird that we used to hate each other's guts practically all through high school until senior year. I am glad that I made friends the last year instead of never at all.
Tia and I finally caught up earlier this week and that was really nice to see her. Unfortunately, I noticed that everything we used to have in common kind of faded away. Her and I can barely hang out due to the fact that we have to battle our schedules to see each other. But I won't ever stop fighting to see her, even if it's not long... that's what best friends do.
I guess I STILL never give up easily. Most of you know that...
Speaking of seeing friends, Alexi leaves in about 2 weeks. It makes me so sad to see her go, because she is usually the highlight of my summers. She's the one who always makes me smile even if I am having the worst day of my life and always knows how to make things better. My troubles melt when I spend time with her. I can't help but crack a smile. Okay - I can't help but burst out into ridiculous laughter.
At least I have others this summer that make me smile just as much... :)
Got my Warped Tour ticket in the mail today. I am still freaking out. As Hannah put it, I am 'so stoked'. Hehe.
And out of all this chaos, Austin never got fed up with me. I did so many things that could have made him just get up and leave, but he still stuck around. Thanks... I still owe you and I am sure I'm not off the hook yet. Phooey. *starts thinking about how to get off the hook*
I'm ready for this upcoming home meet against Denton. I know we will whoop some tail (again).
After going out to the lake for the past 3 or 4 days in a row... I am ready to go out again. Seadoo, anybody?

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

weary wednesday

Yesterday was the meet against Sapona and we won by over 200 pts! It wasn't NEAR as long as the other one and I don't know the last time Brookside has beat Sapona. I and everyone else did really well in their events and that made us whoop up on them even more, aside from their smaller size. I actually won the 100 free... something I am not even good at. What the hell?!? I also won 100 IM and 100 Breast. And the girls and I won both our relays (even though I did the fly leg of the medley)! Heck yes!!!!
I guess I am dealing with the situation okay now, but that doesn't mean I like it. Maybe because I am so tolerant of everyone, I just let them run all over me. But hey, that's the way it's always been. Julia: the doormat.
My mom and I got into an argument the other night and she did bring up a good point. I have been running around for the past 3 weeks nonstop and haven't even gotten enough time to SLEEP. I have averaged around 5-6 hours a night, which isn't quite up to par when you guard and go out on the lake, day after day.
Alexi's 16th was yesterday and even though I'm sure it wasn't as great as she wanted it to be, we all had fun. It also kept Ben off my case for a good 12 hours.
I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE the lake. It's wonderful and fun and it makes me extremely happy. Makes me feel free. If I could live anywhere else in Lexington, it would most definitely be the lake. I guess that's about the only place to go in Lexington on a hot summer day - if you have the right 'equipment'. :D Oh dearest lake, how I love thee.
Have to read a book for college. It's 550 pages long and is pretty much history (ICK) and philosophy in one. It's not too thrilling, but it has to be done... along with a 3 page essay due by the beginning of August.
*sighs*... the only thing I am waiting for in early August is Warped Tour.
I got tickets. Yay. *grins widely*
Wow, June's almost over.

Friday, June 17, 2005

foul friday

Everything has gone horribly wrong.
I didn't know that this was coming... how could you just smack me in the face with this? You gave almost no warning. I feel like such a failure.
God, I just can't wait to leave this town.
I was already bummed over something else, then THIS happens, then I get messages pretty much trying to cut off a relationship I love. Today is one of those days I wished I never woke up.
I want out of here.
Yesterday, I felt so free as I flew across the water. The wind was in my hair, my face was all smiles, and I had not a care in the world. I was with my best friend and my other good friend for a while, and made a new one. I guess with the good ALWAYS comes the bad... but the bad that tops all the good.
I fucking hate the world. I hope it spontaneously explodes or something.


Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost
Left with nothing...


Wednesday, June 15, 2005

unicorns

Hannah and I were discussing unicorns tonight. They are so pretty, but always uncatchable. Doesn't that suck?
I'm off tomorrow. I still have to get up early and run and stuff. Nathan comes up with the craziest ideas.
I hope that I will be able to go out to the lake with Alexi tomorrow, because I need a break from the stand and a moment in the water.
I miss the old days... back when I had what seemed to be unlimited time in the water at Hillside. All of my childhood days were just mindlessly splashed away, while the guards sat. I never realized how much they wanted to get in the water or get out of the sun. It's sad to know that Hillside is back open. I miss it so much.
My car was done for the second time today. It still has major flaws and that pisses me off alot. I just want my car how it used to be. Not with a fucked up windshield or a clanky door, and no tires that rub when I turn it. I want my old Cam Cam back, and I know I fucked it up, but all they could do is make it better... or so we thought.
This week has not been a good one.
Oh yeah, we lost to Reeds. By 120 pts.


Oh no
I see
The spider web is tangled up with me
And I lost my head
And thought of all the stupid things I've said

Oh no
What's this?
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turn to run
And thought of all the stupid things I've done

And I never meant to cause you trouble
I never meant to do you wrong
And ah
Well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh
No I never meant to do you harm

Monday, June 13, 2005

um...

Wow. Too many new people in one day. It's overwhelming.
You scared me, really you did. I expected you, but then again, I still wasn't ready.
Bleh. Lots of thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do.
Lexi and I went to the lake yesterday on the seadoos and they were super duper fun. Her parents accepted us into the 'Circle of Trust' and let us have one each, alone. Her mom even offered to let me drive her car (Jeep Liberty) up to B*side to check my schedule! That's trust...
It suddenly started raining and Lexi and I turned off our seadoos, rested each other's foot on each other's seadoo, and sat, talking in the rain. I guess it never bothered us, what's getting wet going to do? It's one of those times you remember with your best friend.
Swim meet tomorrow. I'm really scared, because if Dylan enters in the 100 breast, I am screwed. I don't wanna lose due to her spite. What a horrible motivation. And, I just hate losing in general. :D
I have to rant. I hate it when people think they are doing EVERYTHING perfect and try to pick out everything wrong with everyone else. The worst part is, they are realistically not doing what they are supposed to be doing, because they are too busy worrying about everyone else's flaws. They should watch what they're supposed to watch. Also, those people are always far from perfect. They can fuck themselves for all I care. I'm there for my own reasons, not for their sake.
I would love to just bang my head on a wall right now...

Saturday, June 11, 2005

why not a survey?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Julia Heiss
Birthday:10/03/87
Birthplace:Lexington... bleh
Current Location:STILL Lexington
Eye Color:Brown (bleh again)
Hair Color:Blonde
Height:5'9"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Leftie!
Your Heritage:German
The Shoes You Wore Today:Flip Flops
Your Weakness:Being too nice
Your Fears:NEEDLES (eek!!!), getting rejected
Your Perfect Pizza:lots of cheese, sausage, and black olives...mmmm
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:I've done about everything I've wanted to do
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:'lol' or 'hehe' probably
Thoughts First Waking Up:Who did it!?!
Your Best Physical Feature:Eyelashes
Your Bedtime:Huge range
Your Most Missed Memory:Going to Montana with Lexi
Pepsi or Coke:Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:Chocolate!!!
Cappuccino or Coffee:Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:Hell no
Do you Swear:Who doesn't?
Do you Sing:Only alone
Do you Shower Daily:Yes
Have you Been in Love:Yes
Do you want to go to College:Going and gone
Do you want to get Married:If the right one comes along, I suppose...
Do you belive in yourself:I can do it!!! Okay, maybe not.
Do you get Motion Sickness:Unfortunately, yes
Do you think you are Attractive:No
Are you a Health Freak:No
Do you get along with your Parents:Sometimes, not as often as I should
Do you like Thunderstorms:Yes
Do you play an Instrument:Many
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:No
In the past month have you Smoked:No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:NO
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Actually, yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:Graduation... hehe
In the past month have you been Dumped:No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:NO
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:No
Ever been Drunk:No
Ever been called a Tease:Yes 0:)
Ever been Beaten up:Not to the point of embarrassment
Ever Shoplifted:Nope
How do you want to Die:In my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Veterinarian
What country would you most like to Visit:Spain
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Grrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeennn... ahhhh
Favourite Hair Color:I tend to like the darker haired ones
Short or Long Hair:Longer hair is pretty cute nowadays
Height:Taller than me! You MUST!!!
Weight:Gotta have some meat and muscle
Best Clothing Style:Relaxed and unique
Number of Drugs I have taken:Zero
Number of CDs I own:Umm... wow... 20+
Number of Piercings:Ears only
Number of Tattoos:Zero
Number of things in my Past I Regret:Too damn many

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Friday, June 10, 2005

$*&@^#^$%!!!

My car won't be ready til Monday. :(
Balls.

fun friday

Ok, so screw the last post. It was just a small expression that has no importance. Sorry bout that.
Today, Lindsay, Elizabeth, and I went to Bolton. We all woke up quickly once we started jammin in the Yukon (oh yeah!). That thing is PIMP, especially with the XM radio. Yay. So, Lindsay starts breaking it down and being crazy and waving to EVERYONE on the highway. Then, some 30+ year old guy in a truck starts flicking his tongue at her in the other lane, freaking us all out, but making me about piss my pants in laughter. I guess that didn't stop any of us, because we were all still rocking out the entire way. Luckily, the rain saved us, so we got out early and hit up the Bagel Station and Starbucks (the usual). It was delicious. Then, we got bored and decided to go to Finch Park, where Lindsay and Elizabeth chased the geese into the lake and Lindsay slipped on the mud and fell. It was hilarious. We finally crashed at my house for a while, before going to Brookside for practice. Of course, we didn't actually swim, but just worked on "technique" with the kids who needed it. I even borrowed a frog to help me with my breaststroke session. *grins* They have perfect form when it comes to kick, but they could stand to have a more compact pull! Damn frogs...
I think I get my beloved Cam Cam back today and I am SOOO happy! I have waited for my car for what seems like eternity and I will be grateful to have her back.
We were planning to go to our family reunion in Cincinnati tomorrow, but the weather is supposed to be pretty bad for travelling (in the plane), so we might just skip out on this one. The one in Canada was the bomb last year, but I am sick of travelling so damn far to see family. One of the main reasons I really wanted to go this time was because I would get to see Eric, who has been in the Navy for the past 3 years. I haven't seen him in so long. I guess I can just hope to see him next year, if he can take leave.
Have to work this afternoon and a party. Poop.
At least I'm off this entire weekend, so hopefully I will have time to spend with Austin, because it seems I don't ever hang out with him anymore. I miss the nights of endless laughter.

Monday, June 06, 2005

definitely a monday

Bolton this morning was sooo cruel. The main set was 10x300 free. I was about to shoot myself halfway through the set. Lindsay and I were so dead afterwards, but not too tired to hit up the Bagel Station and Starbucks. Both sides of my neck have blisters from my suit straps... yes, it was THAT bad.
I just want my freaking car back. It's torture. I got to drive the Yukon this morning to Bolton, but it was a pain in the ASS to park. Other than that, I was the biggest one on the road at most times, so everyone got out of my way. I wish it was like that in the Camry. I need my freedom of transportation!!! Grrrr.
Nathan's back = a shit load of swimming. POopie.


How long before I get in?
Before it starts?
Before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where do
Where do I go?
If you never tried
Then you'll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on this side of this mountain of mine?

kitty!


Okay, so this is one of my friend's kittens. Her name is Shirley. It looks like one of those postcard cats and you can't help but say "awwwww". I know you're saying it right now. You'd be insane not to. By the way, this kitty and her brother (who's even cuter!) need a home, so let me know if you're interested. Posted by Hello

Sunday, June 05, 2005

sleeping sunday

Ahhhh... I am officially rested. I slept until 11:30 (would have been longer if it wasn't for Alan being loud) and in my own bed. Of course, that wasn't really planned last night. I was supposed to spend the night with Alexi at the lake, but her mom started spazzing and blaming stuff on me. So, I was the first one in the car and had my keys out 5 miles from home. She tried to threaten me with my OWN mom, who doesn't like her anyway, to make me spend the night at their house. Haha... yeah, right. Alexi's cool - I love her, but her mom is so freaking dramatic. It's all about attention (she's a news reporter... that explains EVERYTHING). I told my mom the next morning and she was just glad I went home. Alexi's mom is pretty damn scary when she's spazzing, but also bad when she's normal. And being in a confined space with her... whoa. Not going there.
But hey, the jetskis were absolutely awesome. I got to drive some and you better believe I was up to 50 mph most of the time. My legs are the color of a stop sign and I have the WORST life jacket tanline (it's actually quite funny, but not as funny as Anna's butterfly burn... hehehe). Our butts are sore from jumping numerous waves, but it was sooooo worth it. Even if we don't ever go out to the lake again due to psycho woman, I enjoyed the time being. *does the smart-ass grin*
I'm off today and thank goodness for that. No early swim practice, no work... ahhhh. It's wonderful. Too bad I have to work tomorrow, but at least it's later. Don't get me wrong - I love my work, but when you have to tell kids over and over and OVER again to WALK... and they still don't do it, it gets pretty damn annoying at times. And searching for a plunger (just the REASON) isn't too pleasant either. *shakes head in disgust* But, on a lighter note, Nathan comes back today. I sure hopes he forgets about Bolton tomorrow morning...

Friday, June 03, 2005

recovering...

It has literally taken me 2 days to stop shaking from my accident, but I am finally getting over it. My neck still hurts a little and the scrape on my hip has turned into a pretty nice bruise. It doesn't hurt to breathe and it doesn't hurt to swim. I think I will be just fine. I am also supposed to get my car back sometime next week, so that's somewhat relieving. Luckily, the cost wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. If it would have been too bad, we would have most likely gotten a new one, and, as soon as my parents mentioned that, I really wanted to keep MY car. We've had a good 2 1/2 years driving (this counts permit), and I LOVE it. For people that have ridden in it, they all know that I freak if they leave any trash or spill anything in it. I am sooo meticulous about my car being clean. It's been a great first car and it's sad that I have only a few months left to drive it. *sighs*
Spent the night with Alexi last night and sat on her 2 new jetskis. They are the BOMB!! They're the kind that can sit like 3 people and I can't wait to ride them. It is going to be SO fun! I'm super excited. Then, after sitting in the rain on the jetskis, having a meaningful conversation and people looking at us like we were nuts, we went inside and chilled in the basement with some Cheerwines. God, that is another thing I am going to freak out about when I leave. I am going to have NO Cheerwine!! This kinda stinks... Welp, that means I am just going to have to consume as many Cheerwines/Cheerwine slushies as possible. Oh, darn. *snaps fingers*
It has rained for the past 2 days and it needs to STOP! It takes away my hours and I haven't swam in a day. Bleh. Plus, it's quite depressing.
Speaking of swim practice, I do believe that we are going to attempt it today. Yey.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

so shaken

I finally did it. I wrecked my car. Holy shit, I wrecked it.
The roads were wet and I didn't know what to do. I lost control.
My shoulder hurts, my chest hurts, and my hip is scraped.
I'll take all the blame. It was all my fault. I wasn't even going fast, but I was at the wheel. That's the main point.
At least we were all okay and wearing our seatbelts.
I'm afraid to drive again. My car doesn't deserve this.
I'm so shaken up right now. God, I'm so upset at myself.
The one and FIRST time I ever carpool a trip to Bolton, I wreck. Wonderful. *smacks herself in the forehead*
I can't even trust myself anymore.

I guess today has just gotten worse as it goes on. I am such a selfish person and only care about how I feel instead of how others feel. I never think about the things I say, but just go on about it, anyway. I should really learn to shut my mouth because anything I say or anything I do is nothing good. I wish today would just go away because it is really sucking.
I've never cried this much in a 24 hour span.

Sorry for wallowing in my own pity for the moment, but today really has sucked. A lot.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

too much water

Bolton was... not as hard as I thought it would be, but INHUMANELY cold. It took me an hour to stop shaking. It's unhealthy. I quit. Okay, I don't really, but I hate getting up so early. Summer means that you get up after lunch time and stroll around in your pjs all day. As for me, it seems to be waking up too early and strolling around in my wet bathing suit all day. Ick. At least Brookside swim practice wasn't as early this morning and it wasn't really that hard (no one tell coach Hench that!). I guess it's just to ease into the swim season. But I know as soon as Nathan comes, he's going to pick on me and a few others, just because we are a little faster. I thought you were supposed to be picked on when you're slow...
I just wish the water would warm up. In BOTH pools.
I wonder if the lake is this cold... hmmm.... *smiles*
Alexi is getting jetskis for the summer and we are going to have a good time with those! I love hanging out with her. We had our first laughfest for the summer last night when we whipped out the black light and raided everyone's bedrooms. We checked for drool and ummm *ahem* other stains when her mom snuck up on us. Since she had acryllic nails and two capped teeth, she was pretty scary in the black light. We screamed SO loud and laughed so hard. My head and stomach started to hurt after a while. I think Alexi's mom was laughing the hardest, especially since Alexi kept getting freaked out and couldn't find the switch for the light to turn off. It was hilarious.
And it's just the beginning of summer. Yay.

<(' '<) ^( ' ' )^ (>' ')> w00t. Kirby dance.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

graduated but pissed

Ok, so I am graduated and happy about that, but I am SO pissed right now. My mom is STILL a control freak. I was so relieved when school let out so she would get off my case, but now she is FORCING me to swim at Bolton tomorrow at 6:30 in THE GODDAMNED MORNING!!!! I told her I would wait a week and adjust when I swam with Brookside, but she was like NO, you ARE going to Bolton. All I have to say is fuck her and I can't WAIT to go to college so I can be a WONDERFUL 7 hours away from her stupid ass. I am almost 18 years old and she is STILL telling me what to do. Well, fuck you, Mom. Mind you that Bolton is beyond my ability. She can suck a NUT. And she wonders why I am gone every night, well, here's the answer.
Today was my first day at work. Just being at the pool brought back memories and I just sat there, thinking about everything of last year. God, I hate thinking about it, but I love smiling over it at the same time. Maybe I miss you... but the pool makes it so much worse. Geez, I already don't know what to do. My mind is racing over something that isn't even there. Bleh.
Nathan comes back in a week and hopefully he can make things better in the swimming department. But, then again, he's just going to make it harder on me because he knows what I'm capable of more than I do.
This summer was supposed to be fun. :(

Thursday, May 26, 2005

last graduation practice

So, our last graduation practice was today and I am sooo glad it's over with (even if we only had 2). Alexi is back and I plan on spending some time with her before swimming WSY and then giving swim lessons from 8-9. Gahh... I am going to be in that pool forever! I feel like I am getting out of shape REALLY bad, because when we did a 1000 warmup, I about died. I can barely keep my breaststroke form for a 50, and my butterfly is more of a butterflop. And let's not even talk about the backstroke.
I had an epiphany last night after struggling with a noncohesive subject that I really didn't care for. Calvin and Hobbes inspired my speech and I think I will be more than comfortable talking about it. It's very VERY short, but I hate public speaking, so everyone wins. Many people were relieved to hear it was short. I just want all of this to be over, especially the speech, because that's just more work I have to do. Valedictorian does have its downs... but not many. :D
Tomorrow's Friday. Wow.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

double yey

I AM valedictorian, bitches. WHAT NOW?!? Oh YEAH!!
And I turned a cartwheel... in the middle of the mall. It made me happy.
Alexi's coming back tomorrow and I am ready for it! We are going to have some good times and be retarded, as usual.
The pool is opening back up and I popped in my old punk CD from last summer and the memories came back, clearer than ever. It's almost scary. I could look at any point at the pool and remember where something happened. It makes me smile and sigh all at the same time. The nostalgia's killing me.
I just had to brag there for a bit, just to let you guys know who were tuning in to the suspense. oOo...
I like hugs. A lot. :)

Monday, May 23, 2005

thank god it's monday...?

Today was the Senior Assembly and I believe I officially set the Snyder Medal as a family legacy (highest maintained GPA). That made me feel so much better, almost relieved, to get something Karl received. I guess it lessened the tension between us when it came to high school achievements, even though he's out and done with high school already. Maybe ever since I didn't make it into Governor's School, it has been my goal to be just as good as him or better. Of course, they did NOT announce valedictorian, and I was quite PISSED. I wanted to know! I want to know if I'm first, if I have to represent myself in front of everyone who attends our graduation. I also received some other awards, but it didn't really matter. All I knew was that my heart raced when the principal said, "And our valedictorian and salutatorian... cannot be announced because it's too close." Well, that's BULLSHIT. It's not close (the person who tallied up the GPAs told me - too bad that's ALL she told me)! I know I have said this a MILLION times, but I want this more than anything and all of my close friends know that this is all I have wanted for the past who knows how long. I want to be first, dammit. Screw trying to not sound selfish.
At least for the rest of the afternoon, I had something else to think about. Twas fun. I would hate to ever stay a night at Austin's, because we would just lay around and not do a damn thing - okay, just talk a WHOLE lot. I love being lazy (doesn't happen too much) and I need a lot more of it.
Oh yeah, today was the last day of school.
Summer... I surrender myself to you.