exactly

I want so badly not to say things I've said before
When I'm speaking of how I'm missing you
The truth is it's all been so sincere
And it's going to be sincere once more
Drawing from an array of misinterpretations
Was I blunt or reserved when I spoke
Was I ugly or by chance maybe lovely
Are you thinking of me thinking of you
When I'm staring into those green eyes
Do you notice the words I can't even say
And can you see how I'm speechless
But you want so much more than this
The lost imperfections that are me
I hope the words you spoke meant something

-- H.F.

So I just got in from VA. Yay.
It was much more bearable than I thought it would be. My cousins weren't near as invasive, but sometimes they got a little out of hand. For instance, one of my cousins cried because I couldn't sleep over in their cabin one night. Ridiculous.
I have realized this is my last vacation of the summer (unless WT counts). In some ways, I am really glad to be home, but in other ways, I want to stay away from it all. Even though the first night I caught myself reminiscing over some good memories (that eventually led to tears), I found that my time away from it faded my feelings, too. I didn't get so sad over it and actually was happy that things turned out the way they did. I became optimistic about one of the worst situations of my life. It was incredible. Getting away most definitely did the trick.
As for the physical part... I got a little messed up. I ended up with 3 blisters and a turned ankle all on the same foot. The rock climbing was so worth it. It was the best feeling in the world to be on top of the highest rock while you watched the clouds roll up to meet you in a distant fog. There was a constant, cool mist that blew through the air that collected on your skin and hair. It was so refreshing. I almost wished I had someone to share it with.
I took tons of pictures. :)  

almost gone again

Both of those comments from the last blog were from the better things I have. Thanks for always being there.

So I leave for the mountains in VA tomorrow...
Feels like I'm never home.
But I guess, at the moment, being home wouldn't be the best for me. The timing is perfect to get away from here for a while. As long as I stay busy, I won't catch myself thinking about the bad things. Things sure don't feel the same, but they are improving, nonetheless. From what it was, it can only improve.
I am ready to run the trails like a little kid again. That's the best part about camping... you make s'mores, scamper down trails, and are outdoors constantly. Unfortunately, I am not too fond of family reunion camping, due to the lack of privacy and the slower hikers. I really like my little cousins, but they follow me around everywhere and complain on every hike. The only thing I complain of is the time it takes to cook the food and the millions of blisters I rubbed that day now not to mention the splinters and blisters from the beach). So, in other words, the entire reunion consists of heat, bitching and moaning, and all that other great family togetherness. I guess I could say I contribute, but it takes more than one to make it REALLY miserable. Hopefully, I will be able to break away from the chaos every once in a while to gather my thoughts about everything. I tend to have extremely complex thoughts as I hike, because it rarely takes any brain power to walk around. I usually have great ideas and advice for myself and others, but by the time I get back to the cabin, they have vanished. Once again, there is a reason for everything. After my hikes, I realize that maybe I never needed to write them down, but to just get them out there to contemplate.
Wow, I am starting to sound like the author of my college novel... ick.

All in all, I am ready for Saturday. :)

back from the beach

Well, the beach wasn't all I thought it would be.
My brothers didn't ever want to do anything, but at least Drew and Will were available to do something. That was the only fun I had. Oh, and the sushi was good.
And now I have realized how easy it is for anyone to walk out on me. I guess I have always put myself in this position to make me fall and get hurt. Everytime I think I have found a companion or someone I love, they just prove me wrong. It's like I never knew them. During that time, I feel like they would never forget about me. Don't you love that feeling? That feeling that you know, no matter what happens, someone will always remember you? It's always nice to be remembered. It makes you feel valuable.
Well, there's only a few people that acknowledge my existence anymore and I thank them for it. If they are a girl, I most likely hated them at one point, but only for the common things we shared. If they are a boy, I was probably crazy about them at one point and still can't let them go.
Some things never change and that's the best part.
Now, I am just ready for college. I have wringed every bit of good out of this town and am still trying to find a few last remaining drops. They are almost or all the way gone. I even tried to substitute the good things with mediocre things, just to make myself feel better about my situation I am stuck in. But, something mediocre can never replace the best things. And, sadly, all the best things aren't from around here.

hold your breath

So, I got my housing assignment last night, and it looks great! I got hooked up with the newest dorm on campus, it is co-ed, has nicely sized rooms, and my roommate is from Charleston, SC. I think that my housing situation has turned out very good. That was the highlight of yesterday.
Today, I just worked from 10-5 (AND it was Community Day) and I thought I was going to die of a heat stroke. I actually got burned... what's up with that?? I never burn anymore.
The best part about going to beach is that my brudder and Will are also going to be there. I will at least have someone there I know. Is that a good or a bad thing... ? I guess I will find out.
Well, I am super tired, so I think I am hitting the sack early today.

*Good luck to a special someone...*


If you could hear this now
I would say to you

Hold your breath
Cause it's all you get
To see this through
While I try to forget you

And keep that kiss
Keep it near your lips
With that last goodbye
I hate it
But you'll sleep alone tonight

that non summer feeling

Gosh, I am so freaking sick of my mom forcing me to get up at 5:30 in the morning three days a week. It is ridiculous! Summer represents sleeping in and being lazy, which is something I am most definitely NOT doing. I want freedom!! I hate this stupid expectation she throws on me everywhere I go. I can't wait to go off to college so I won't have her riding my ass 24/7. I have a headache and I need sleep...
Hopefully I can sleep at the beach. And work on my tanline... and eat sushi. Maybe meet some new people.
Just face it. I want OUT of here.
Everyone is getting all worked up over the County Meet, too. The only thing I am getting worked up about is the fact that it starts in the AFTERNOON and is at a 4 lane pool! We aren't going to finish by dark, or probably midnight, in that case.
Okay, I think I've done enough complaining.
I talked to my common commenter last night for the first time... it was cool.



Happy birthday... I hope you got everything you wanted.

everything i ever had...

Is gone. I guess I will never get to have that feeling that I am somewhat complete. I will always have that void that is buried deep inside of me, slowly but surely eating me from the inside out. Even when everything seems so perfect, there's always something subconciously missing. You seem so happy, but you know that there is something that is not there. Usually, you never find out what it is until it's too late. You never realize the missing piece was even THERE until you have lost it. Ignorance makes us all take precious things for granted. I guess I will have to be more aware of things as life goes on. I am sure that now I am contradicting one of my previous posts dealing with 'ignorance is bliss'. Because, at the moment, it is most definitely not.
I can't wait to go to the beach.

paperthin hymn

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating
Leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes
Bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violence
Become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember
To kiss the ones you love
Goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free, and sing
When life is in discord
Praising the Lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

Friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over

These thoughts run through my head




... you always deserved better.

just wanted to say...

Today's meet was awful. Everything I did was horrible and I never want to do that again. Everyone asked why I looked so depressed and well, I guess I just brought it upon myself, as usual. Sometimes I wonder if we're all better off alone, with no attachments whatsoever. Would that make life more simple and enjoyable or even worse than ever?
My night was going downhill, but I still ended it with a smile.
Believe it or not, my mom can be cool sometimes. :)

I'm off tomorrow, but that still doesn't make a good day. Maybe Thursday will turn out great. :D

You can't save me
You can't change me
Yeah I'm waiting for my wakeup call
And everything
Everything's my fault

simple words, complex thoughts

There's so many things I could talk about... but I can't find all the words to say them.

Maybe I could list off a few simple things.

I miss Alexi.
Never try wakeboarding the day before a meet.
New friends make me happy, but sad to know that I will barely know them before I have to leave.
Old friends are still awesome, too.
Did I mention that I miss Alexi?
My car died and it was totally my fault. I have to pay for it, too. Yippee.
The hard drive died 2 days ago and that was NOT my fault.
Have a swim meet today and I wakeboarded yesterday... oops? I got up 3 times!!!
Old crushes are like a nice pair of jeans. They fade with time and eventually fit more comfortably in your life.
Hehe, I love metaphors.

There's a lot more I could talk about, but there's just so much.
This blog couldn't handle it.

beautiful letdown

So Alexi left just a few minutes ago... and I am a train wreck. Every summer progressively gets better and this one most definitely was the best yet. All the times on the lake were incredible. Alexi helped me discover a part of Lexington that I never realized was soo much FUN! When summer started, I was looking forward to leaving this god forsaken town and going to college, but now, all I want is an endless summer. I guess the best part about Alexi is that her and I always laughed about the stupidest things, like that Nike commercial with the ostrich in it. Many things we laughed about never made sense, but that was the best part about it. Even though we've lost many common interests since we first met years and years ago, her and I always find something to share together. If you don't already have interests, you create some.
I am sure going to miss getting out of bed and wondering what on earth Alexi and I are going to do that day.
Have to work from 10-3 tomorrow. Ick.
If you want to do something, just gimme a ring.


Finally being attractive to guys ISN'T what it's cracked up to be. *gags*

hey guess what

I absolutely LOOOVVVEEE the lake.


:)


tehehee.

wow

Okay, so last night was ... interesting. The convos were somewhat relieving. I was glad to FINALLY know how you felt about everything and it's just great to get that out of the way. It got rid of so much tension.
EXCEPT for Kelley and I's convo. WTF, man?! I am still freaking out. That is SO 4 years ago.
And I got a reply from Matt Hall (my first swim coach EVER when I was like itty bitty), and it made me incredibly happy. So happy I cried. He actually remembered me and described me with such detail that I knew he wasn't just making something up. He was an incredible breaststroker, and just great in every stroke. He still holds the state record in 500 free (Cole didn't even beat it) and half of the school records. He went on a scholarship to swim for UT and traveled internationally. Matt had everything going for him in the swimming area, but his email sounded almost like he was digusted with it. He seemed unhappy of the fact that he was good at every stroke and that he had to go around the world to swim. It was as if he had grown out of it. I guess not everyone can be happy with what they have/had, but I was touched by his email, and he was touched by mine.
I think I've found a new mentor. :)