:)

Gosh, he makes me so damn happy.

bittersweet symphony

So I'm here trying to study for Latin and...

I
absolutely
CANNOT
StOp
thinking
about
him.

I don't know what's come over me, but dammit, no matter what I'm doing, it's always him that I am thinking about. In class, I just think about the first time we lock eyes and get to talk to each other, face to face. I think about how when I hug him, I will never want to let go. I curse the days that lay between us and the painful wait that I am going through. Everytime I hear his voice, I just wish I could really see those words really escape from his lips and watch his face form along with his emotions. I want to see his green eyes glimmer from the reflection of the stars in the night sky and I want to see him smile when he catches me just staring at him, appreciating every moment of his presence.
He's that one thing that I wished for over months and months. He's those arms I imagined were around me on the cold, dark, and lonely nights when I was scared about living through the next day. He's that voice I wished I could talk to and hear for hours and hours. He's the shoulder I wanted to sob on, the chest I wanted to rest my head on, and the embrace I wanted to cherish. He's the tender but firm grasp I wanted of my hand that keeps me sane during the most stressful moments. He's the strong, slow heartbeat that I want to hear right before I close my eyes to a best night's repose. He's everything ...

These 16 days are going to eat me from the inside out.

we don't care anymore

There is only one thing
That matters this time
At the hands of judgement
I won't let it die
No sacrifice
Regrets left behind
I won't let it die

This time
Yeah
I won't let it die

the LOVE tub

So my family is renovating this old house so we can live in it... we are moving in about a year or so. I really don't want to move out of my house, because I have lived there for all 17 years of my life and leaving it would be hard. Alan and I decided to handcuff ourselves to the front door and refuse to let anyone look at it. Our house is worth so much and it would hurt me so bad to see someone tear it apart or let it just rot away. No one deserves our house, dammit. I just hope my parents make sure that the right people get it.
I have always wanted an EXTRA long and deep tub, so my parents went out to the middle of nowhere and found this thing... shag carpet stuck to the inside and red paint on the outside. It's so hilarious, but I guess I didn't say anything about color and texture. Haha... but don't worry, all that will be gone by the time my dad's through with it.
I can't wait until Fall break... 19 days.




It's things like that which make you miss home more than anything. I miss my brother so much.

never mind the glimmer in my eye

Why are you doing this to me? I thought I had a reason to be happy and all I seem to get is insult after insult of how I feel. All I wanted to do is smile about having something wonderful, but all I feel is confused.


I guess it's me against the world.

here we go again

Absolute fulfillment... and I have never felt more complete.

Swimming is a bitch and I am so sick of my shoulder giving me shit. I haven't told my mom about it, because she would flip out, and it isn't worth trouble. I am currently running on 4 1/2 hours of sleep (including the after English) and I am trying to keep going. I know by the end of the night, I am going to pass out in exhaustion, but I will try to make it as late as I can.
Every night, I try to hold my eyes open just that much longer to think about him. It's not like my thoughts are forced, but they are always there. I can't understand how, no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my head. I try to concentrate in class, think about swimming or other things in life, but it never happens. My thoughts loop back around to the most wonderful thing that has happened to me yet. I have been constantly happy lately and it's most definitely his fault. A little more than three weeks from now, I will be looking up into those green eyes and grinning until my face hurts. How can someone I have only known for almost 2 1/2 weeks make me feel like I've known him forever and that he has been the missing link to everything? Hell, I practically finished his sentences for him the other night, which was quite scary. The best part was that, with his own voice, he got to say everything he ever wanted to say and it was most definitely more than I thought I would ever hear. Looks like I need to get used to surfing this cloud of euphoria...

the minute i met you

I would like to start off by saying
I had everything to do with it
You may think that I lie real well
You can tell that I'm holding it in

Never mind the time
Or the spinning of your head
I could tell my life was changing
Since the minute I met you

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed
And what a sight that'll be yeah

I will never tell you this
But I'm scared of falling apart
It may seem like I'm holding it together
But the weather is making it hard

Never mind the time
Or the spinning of your head
I could tell my life was changing
Since the minute I met you

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed
And what a sight that'll be

All my friends surrounding me
Just cause you made it this far
Doesn't mean you've made it

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed

And If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd probably choke on the words I never said
If I stop ever thinking of you
I'd bury my heart and fall back in my bed
And what a sight that'll be
And what a sight that'll be yeah

but when i look at the stars...

Oh, the irony of making a new friend back home when you are at college. What were the odds?
I have been super sick, but the fever only lasted for 24 hours, which was a relief. I was afraid I had some long-term illness, like mono. *shudders*... I hate thinking that. Everyone kept asking what I had and I just cocked my head to the side and looked at them like a confused dog. Yeah, sure, let me go diagnose myself real quick, it'll only take a few minutes. Riigghtt. Luckily, I will return to my sanctuary where all stress is relieved and real thoughts are processed : the pool. The real season started on Monday, but I fell asleep in astronomy and ran a high fever that evening, so I missed the first official practice. Even though I already felt really guilty about it, all the swim team members were giving me hell for it. Sorrrrryy... let me breath in your face and spit in your drink, then you'll be in my position next week. And you better believe I will bitch you out with all the others, too. Ahh, the love of the swim team. I believe there is WAY too much already, considering it is the 3rd week of school and 3 couples (not dating, just sets of two people) have already hooked up. Insane. The worst part is that people are putting money on me and this guy who I see more as a brother than a boyfriend. I will NOT date a swimmer guy (not one on the same team as I) ... that's just how I roll. I also missed practice yesterday because I couldn't even physically make it to English class. That's pretty damn sad. Also, my coach refused to let me swim, anyway. We have been doing the hot seat (something freshmen do) lately and I know I will be coming up pretty soon. Gahhh... the worst part is they can ask you anything... and I mean ANYTHING. Most of them have to do with hooking up and such, all that good ol personal stuff. Oh well, I have nothing to hide... I'm not really ashamed of much. If anything, it was all in good fun.


Forgive me, but I can't be everything you deserve.

time is running out

I knew exactly what you were going to say... every word.
Admit it, I never meant anything to you. Just get it over with. If you think I wasn't saying anything, you were doing the same thing. Words just clumsily fell out of your mouth with no feeling and no content. You were just talking to talk, not to even get anywhere.
I'm not mad, but I hate you trying to tell me how you feel but, at the same time, hold back how you really feel. Just TELL me.

It hurts more not to talk than to hear the truth.

never mind...

There are better things in life besides you.


I am happy once again, and for all the right reasons.

done

It's over and done. Infatuation is my murderer at this point and I don't know what else to do. There was always something strong about him... his heartbeat, his grip, his emotions (like mine). I have always had a faint pulse, but now it has vanished into silence. Time for me to crawl into my little hole and stay there, sulking in darkness and the security of my own thoughts and hopes.


I hate it but you'll sleep alone tonight ... well, maybe you won't.



Goodbye.

wtf mate?

So I am about to switch to another blog like livejournal or xanga because everyone who leaves comments is just advertising and it pisses me off.
Stop, you stupid fucks.

I swing danced on Tuesday with Joey and it was SOOOOOOO much fun! We are so ready to bust a move at the winter formal. It's going to be great.

Got lots of swim team stuff to do this weekend, so that will be somewhat entertaining.

That's all I can think of for now and I don't think I am going posting here much longer... sons of bitches.

Ciao.

stay what you are

There's something about the look in your eyes
That shows that you really don't care
I sometimes wonder
If you even know I'm there

Invisible it seems
To be my fate in life
Take the heart I gave you
And meet it with a knife

Trembling and cold
I blindly search for light
Clinging to my own warmth
Clenching my teeth tight

What is this I see
Something that could actually be
Worth holding my eyes open for?

No, no...
This couldn't be true
There's nothing worth seeing
Nothing stuck to unglue

So leave me to crumble
Insecure and alone
While your vacant stare
Will forever rip me, through flesh and bone




I am so lakesick right now.

college life

So... I got my hair cut for swim season. One of my friends cut it and did an incredible job. I look SO much older. That's a good thing, right?







I have something better now.