Monday, October 31, 2005
all that's left
I want to come home and be able to smile and see you. I don't want to come home and know that it would only hurt to see you (or most likely not see you). I tried to be there for you as a friend, supporting you and trying to pull you up from the ground, but it's as if you won't budge. And as I sob in frustration in front of you, it seems you just turn and look the other way, avoiding my care for you. Well, dammit, I care. And maybe that's a mistake on my part, but will continue to refuse to believe it's a mistake. All I want is for you to be happy and that is obviously not happening. I miss how you used to give me the time of day to have a conversation. Now, I feel like I do all the talking and you never respond. I miss the messages in the morning that made every day worth waking up for. You know me... communication is key. And that part has dropped off the map. Where are you? Where is the person that I met months before who was happy, proud of who he was, and appreciative of everything he had? Where is the person that gave back more than I could ever return and left me smiling, day after day? Where did he go...? The minute I returned from the break, everything changed. I want to know where that person I once knew went. Did he jump into the lake that we sat at? Is he still sitting, alone, at the top of that parking garage? I really don't know. But I wish he could come back. I am not asking you to be a different person, I just want you to be happy. And as I recall, when I first met you, you were happy... and that's the person I became closest to. You can throw me away and forget about me. But just be happy before it's all over with.
And I know it's too late
To crawl back to you tonight
But there's a few things that
I just need you to know
Like the way I felt
When we were close
And how the stars explode
Everytime you are near
Monday, October 24, 2005
please...
You and I
Cold February night
It's been a half an hour
Taking sweet time saying our goodbyes
One minute more
GO
The best day of my life
Is all thanks to you
Precious remembrance sickle rainy day on February
Few scenes from my life or moments
Mean more to me than our fine nights
I remember like yesterday
The time of my life
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
As week days and week days ran once
I'll be found staring back in time
2-12-99 at the stroke of midnight
Holding you tight
Your body and mine
In February
Few scenes from my life or moments
Mean more to me than our fine nights
I remember like yesterday
The time of my life
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
Let's travel back in time.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
the walls all melt to the ground
I was so used to having a laid-back, rushed lifestyle only a few months ago. I looked at my now pale skin on my arms and remembered when it was delightfully brown and smooth. My hair was darker and much shorter, having lost its spotaneous streaks of blonde that made it so unique. People were convinced it was highlighted, but I could only thank the sun for them, and the job was free. The summer was such a relaxed but strict schedule, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I was rarely at home, actually having a crazy social life that had me on my phone and in my car constantly. The evenings on the lake were always magical, no matter how many times you experienced it. Watching the sun set, the light sparkling against the slow and smooth wake, catching your eye like a clean cut diamond under a display lamp. The water was so dark and soothing, making music that could easily lull me to sleep by splashing against the nearby docks. This was my playground of the summer. It was where every emotion possible had occured. My best friend - my dearest, dearest Alexi and I spent our limited time together flying carelessly across the surface of the water. As the daily rain would come, we would stop our speed-demon antics, just to feel the warm water on our skin, and sit to talk. Our legs linking each other's crafts, we would smile, let the raindrops sting our burnt cheeks and roll off our noses, and reflect on the silence of the beautiful lake. Our voices would murmur, paralleling the soft sounds of the rain hitting the water, and the roaring engines of our machines would rest. It was that wonderful time we all called summer. And how I miss it so.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
fragmented thoughts
My shoulder hurts.
My hands still smell like latex from the Bio lab today.
Fall break is in 3 days!
I really need to study.
I am super tired and don't want to swim tomorrow morning.
I can't wait to see my friends at home.
I need to hang out with some people before I leave for break.
I have to see my Bobo Bear pony when I get back.
All of my professors hate me.
We've got a good thing going on. Oh yes, we do.
I want to beat Jordan's ass to put him in his place.
I can't wait until the lacrosse game. And Erica!
I am so proud of Matt and his water polo team.
Can't wait until I get some good, homecooked food.
My shoulder still hurts.
I miss Hannah. I wish I could see her.
I sure hope I get see Brudder when I get home.
One more midterm to go.
I really should study.
I need to take a shower... hmm ... okay.
I think I'm going to do that.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
confusion/frustration
This is why I suck at this whole "life" thing.
Less than a week... ahhh.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
slowly losing it...
Have I done something wrong?
I want to rip my hair out and throw myself to the ground. My thoughts are fighting each other, yanking at my insides, side to side. I feel the pain of indecision burn in my chest and my head throbs thinking about it as tears want to well up in frustration. I never wanted this.
I wish I were invisible again.