i miss you

I need to be home now. Thanksgiving Break cannot come soon enough.
I have realized that home really is where the heart is. Sure, I have two really good friends here in college, but they still are different from everyone that has been a big part of my life for the longest time. Those are the people who have made up who I am, and I thank them for it.
Though I can always better myself, I can happily say I am satisfied as to who I am right now. I appreciate the real friends I have and the guy who makes my heart dance. I cannot wait to see every one of your beautiful faces. I miss it.
I miss all of the good times we've shared.
College is just not the same. It really is something that is wonderful to be a part of, but it is also nice to just get away from college as well. When friends come up to visit, they say that my college is a great place to just get away from it all (especially Lexington). As for me, Lexington, in a sense, is a good way to get away from college. Though I love the campus here and it is so beautiful and enchanting during all seasons, just getting away from the atmosphere of intense work really helps. You can wake up in your own house, in your own bed, without a thing in the world to do. I know that, over time, that causes major boredom and there is a lot more to do in college, but I actually enjoy some days where I do absolutely nothing. Where I sleep in and awake under the roof that I had slept under for my entire life, get a real home-cooked meal, and just waste the day away catching up with old friends. That is the best part about breaks.
So... here's to the breaks. May they come quickly and last long.

like walking in a sleepless dream...

My feet float just above the ground.

I found the perfect person.
And I know that you have seen this more than once on here, but I believe this is no false alarm. This guy has everything I have ever wanted in a guy. He's intelligent, extremely verbally interactive, attractive, witty, playful (but serious when needed), and I can't help but smile around him. No matter how upset, sad, mad, or anything other than happy I am around him, he gets me smiling with one glance. He knows exactly what to say or do to make me laugh. And the best part is that he doesn't even have to try, he is just himself and that makes me the happiest I have ever been.
I can't get over how everything fell into place perfectly. Everything about him and this situation just revolves around that one word... perfect. It went from a casual evening hanging out to being entangled in his arms/kiss. It wasn't expected, but I definitely was not complaining at all by the night's end. Even the moment of truth (next morning) was just as perfect as the night before. He assured me with a good morning kiss and smile. It was like living a dream. It still is.
Yeah... so. I have a boyfriend. And he's wonderful. That pretty much sums it up.

Sooooooo Fall Party Weekend is this weekend. That should be fun, especially with my special visitor. :] There will be lots and lots of things to do.
Other than the Alumni Swim Meet and Football Game, which will take up more time than I need, it will be quite an eventful weekend.

I also got my grades in for midterms, and they weren't as bad as I thought they would be. Of course, that doesn't actually mean they were fantastic, but they're manageable at this point. At least I know I can work with them.

Things are looking pretty good right now, so hopefully consistency will kick in for me, because I could definitely get used to this.

let's talk.

So... it's been a good two weeks since I've written in this thing. I guess I have neglected it for a longer period of time, but the people who read this probably get tired of checking and seeing the same old posts. Sorry.
But isn't it funny how every time I update, it's because it seems I feel obligated? Ha.

Well, I am home for fall break and I must say it has been a much better one than last year. I guess the worst part is that I really needed to go home more last year because I missed home so much, but this time around, I had a lot more fun. I'm not saying that I didn't want to come home (because I really did), but I felt like my reason to come home was completely different last year. Funny how over a year's time can change your attitude about a lot of things. I have eased up a whole lot and have learned to accept things as they are instead of freaking out about them. It's a much better way to look at life. So, I pat myself on the back for that *pats*.
Plus, I made a new friend this break. He's a pretty cool cat. Speaking of which, it's crazy when you meet someone who pretty much sweeps you off your feet and you don't expect it. I just don't understand how you find the best people in the places you would never look.
Dammit.

The new house is amazing, I'm not going to even lie. I was really skeptical about coming home to a completely different location and setting, but it's really not that bad. I like my room and the house is basically sweet-ass. It's going to be cool living in for a bit. And I guess I should get used to it, especially since I intend on actually staying at home this summer.

Speaking of summer, at the beginning of it (after Grad Week, of course), I am hopefully going to China/Tibet!! Isn't that the coolest thing ever? I am pretty excited about the whole ordeal. I guess I could give some credit to Thy, because she was the one who brought up the idea. Without the suggestion, I definitely wouldn't have thought twice about it. At first, I didn't even think that my parents would go for it, but since they went to China when they were younger, they were all for it. My dad got pretty excited... didn't expect that reaction. I think he secretly wanted to go. Ha, silly Dad. Anyway, the trip counts as 2 class credits (8 hours, just as much as summer school). So, I won't have to go to summer school if this happens. And I get to go to another country, so I'm not complaining about this option! Plus, I get back in early June, so I will have the rest of the summer (about 2.5 months) to be at home, get a job, and chill out. This summer could be awesome.

I just love how I look so far ahead in my plans, yet I never get anything done ahead of time to help it. I'm such a procrastinator. :]

once again

I am sick. And cranky.
And I want to rant, so I will.

Okay, so this was triggered from something that happened to one of my friends recently, but I just want to go on about it.
I don't understand how things "just happen". Nothing has ever "just happened" with me when I was under the influence or sober. I can't comprehend how people expect others to be like, "Oh, okay, well that's a valid excuse" to it just happening. It's not. It's really stupid. It shows lack of thought or responsibility. I'm sorry, but you obviously don't give a shit about the consequences.
I know I sound like a tightwad or a mother, but I can't even be hypocritical about this. Sure, I have done some stupid stuff in the past, but it's not like I didn't think about it. I even admit to hoping that no one ever thinks or remembers it again, but my brain was functioning at that moment in time. Hell, something I pulled 3 years ago is coming to bite me in the ass sometime this semester. Not everything you do can be forgiven by life.
I guess I just know a lot of instances when my friends have had things "just happen" to them, things became awkward or had really bad endings. One of my friends this summer had to be told by my roommate and I that yes, she was raped. She couldn't believe it and was sure that one thing led to another, but when she described the whole situation, she had obviously been raped. And she didn't even know it. She just used that stupid line as an excuse. So, what the FUCK?
Why is everyone so sure that being casual about stuff is the way to go about things? Why can't you just think about what is going on and actually say 'no' if it doesn't feel right? Why can't you actually put time into things before letting drastic physical things happen? I know that this is all relative from person to person, but I find this all a little disappointing. We're in such a rush to grow up, that we let things 'just happen,' and hope that it won't be bad in the long run.
Well, news flash: it usually is.

Just think about things.

I am tired of people not using the most precious thing they have. Too bad it's not even their heart.

slowdown.

Nowadays, I just feel like everyone is in such a rush to grow up and go on with their lives.
I mean, I wouldn't mind eventually growing up, fending for myself, having my own place, etc., but not at the moment.

I just see a lot of people close to my age now getting married, having kids... all that good stuff. Good? No.
I don't understand why people can't cherish the youth they have. It's the best days of your life. Sure, you aren't 5 anymore, but that doesn't mean you have to push into all aspects of maturity. This is coming from someone who isn't ridiculously immature, either. I just don't get why people want to do things like that. It terminates a lot of other options in your life.
Okay, I'm done with that rant.

School has been better for me. I have done decently well in my classes, and for that, it's been a relief at the moment. I seriously can't even come close to not doing awesome this semester. I just can't mess that up.
Swim season has started up and is pretty hardcore right now. We are swimming 6 days a week and lifting at least twice a week (I lifted 3 times last week). It is killing me at the moment, but I know that it will eventually all come together.
Except for the whole grinding/popping of the shoulder. But yeah. That's normal.

I have recently stumbled across a wonderful little thing that makes me happy... a caterpillar and his name is Spot. He eats and sleeps a lot, and is super cute. He's pretty much my pride and joy. We were supposed to let him go this weekend, but we couldn't do it. I would love to watch him pupate into an imperial moth!! That would be soooo cool!
Yeah, I'm pretty much a dork.

This past weekend was also great for me. I had a lot of fun, think I got another person to attend Sewanee next year (yey!), and just took care of things well. Things are looking pretty good for me...

and i can't get to you...

Honestly, I have felt like I have needed to write a blog for a while now, but I don't know where to begin.
I guess I could start off with how much I missed my lovelies (Lexi and Lindsay) this past weekend. It was pretty rough for me here at that time knowing that they were spending the entire time on the lake, having a blast, while I was stuck here, kicked out of my room. I am not trying to sound selfish, but this last weekend wasn't its greatest. My roommate's boyfriend came over, so I left them for privacy. I just felt a spark of jealously when he held her hand and did cute little things to her. I felt completely useless and unwanted. That was pretty much the jist of it all.
Luckily, Thy pulled through and we did a few things together. Her and I have spent a lot of time together, and it's a shame that she's a senior this year. I am really going to miss her.
We went to the Cross and to catch some bugs, and I caught a luna moth! It was incredible to hold something so beautiful in my hands... it was a pale green with a delicate, long tail. I couldn't stop looking at it's large antennae and it's chalky white body. I couldn't help but feel horrible when we placed the "killing jar" over it to gas it unconcious and eventually kill it. Even though the first luna moth I tried to catch (for my brother's bug project) eluded me and I felt some compensation in this catch, I still felt awful for killing something so rare and beautiful.
At least the professor was very impressed... the things I do for science.

Yeah, and that's the first of it.
I am not doing perfect in school, but better, I feel. That is something that is making me feel a little better about all of that is going on. Jo and I get along great for the most part, swimming has just started up, and I decided to keep up orchestra this year. I haven't been that overwhelmed yet, so we'll see how it goes. Unfortunately, there is a lot going on this weekend. Pink panties is on Friday night, Jo wants me to go caving with her Saturday, Ben invited me over for his Ninja Turtle party on Saturday night, then I'm going rafting with the team on Sunday. Along with all of these social events, I also have a History paper due next week, an oral presentation for Renaissance Lit due next week, and my Latin workbook due Monday. Arggggh. Talk about crunch time. I should actually be working instead of writing this damn blog, but I need to vent.

Also, the whole love life thingamabob.
I am slightly discouraged about all that has gone on. Though there are many that show interest (and much more than that), and I terrified of jumping into anything. I am so tired of getting hurt that it has become instinct to become uninvolved with anyone. I just think I should step back for a second and think about what I am doing, and why I am here.
I am here to learn, experience, and succeed. Rarely does much of that come from guys.
Once again, I am ready to give up in that department. I might be better off alone.


I can't even think of anything else to say due to the lack of sleep I have been getting lately, so sadly, this is all I can produce out of my tiny mind for tonight.

PS - Matt, if you read this... I MISS YOUUUUUUUU!!!

*sigh*

What a fucked up world.

back to where i belong

Even though it feels like it's only been a few days since my last post, a lot sure has happened.

Obviously, I am back in college at Sewanee. It was wonderful to have 2 (almost) full days to just enjoy the campus and do pretty much nothing. I am nervous about how I will do this semester, but I intend to work my ass off. My parents gave me a 3rd chance, which was pretty much a one in a million chance, so I refuse to blow it this time. Today was our first day of class, and I already know I am going to enjoy my Social Psych class, but History left me almost passed out on my desk. My Psych class is super small (5 people including me), so I know we are going to get a lot done and have awesome interaction with the prof. She seems really cool. On the other hand, History has never been my strong suit, but I will try everything to do well in there. I just find it hard to get motivated in a class you don't enjoy much at all.
I am also excited about this swim season. We had a good crowd come out yesterday for the pre-season meeting. It was also great to re-unite with my 'family' again. We are going to have a good year, I just know it. And the fact that our Coach needs us more than ever will really be influential. I think he is going to put more into it this year than he ever has. I also look forward to the new swimmers contributing to the team.

I just think that this year is going to be an excellent one with everything I have going for me.

Except that I left my laptop at home. Yeah, that was a dumb move (I'm using my roomie's comp until it gets here).

have you ever...

So it's been forever since I've written, making it pretty easy to fill in the facts of the last month or so.

First off, I am going back to Sewanee. When I checked my grades online, they fell slightly short in Religion (go figure) of my parents' standards. At first, they kept their word and were going to make me stay home AT LEAST a semester and commute to a nearby college (UNCG), get a decent job, and pretty much get my shit together.
Let's just say I was beyond devastated. I couldn't help but burst into tears every time I thought of each one of my friends realizing that I wasn't going to be there. I thought about how my coach was losing not only a swimmer, but a friend. I thought about my roommate, her ridiculous shyness, and how I couldn't drag her out of the room when she studied for over 6 hours straight. I felt like the woman in the movie, "Something's Gotta Give," when she keeps crying in a scene for like 124385984754 times straight. Things were completely miserable.
But my parents caved. Well, mostly my mom. They couldn't stand seeing me so torn up over it, realized that I, in retrospect, was making progress, and maybe even found the right major this time. It was completely out of their character and I seriously didn't think they were going to budge in this matter.
I am extremely, truly grateful for their decision.

Another update... we're moving... down the street. So, when I say ridiculous amount, it's not an exaggeration. Unlike most college kids, I have to move/pack my college stuff, along with the rest of my HOUSE. I feel like my parents are pushing so hard to get this done before I leave, just to make things suck more for me. Well, maybe not. But it still sucks for me, nonetheless.

I think that wraps everything up for now.

I can't wait to get to the Mountain!

i love sewanee.

Okay, so I made these up. So bear with me here... hopefully Sewanee kids will get these.

You know you go to Sewanee when….

· You have a different name every time you get caught sneaking into the Res.

· You go to Shenanigan’s at least once a week and spend more money on pitchers than food.

· You have to think about what fraternity/sorority you are in when asked.

· You know that the library isn’t really the best place to study.

· Natty Light should be the tap water.

· You know that a “Crazy Sewanee Night” from Stirling’s is the best cure for a hangover.

· You know you can score free pizza in the observatory on Thursday nights.

· Fall is the season to look forward to.

· You get excited about Wednesday dinners at McClurg.

· You know how to work the Smart Boards better than the professors.

· If it’s a nice day, the professor will most likely give in to having class outside.

· Spring Party weekend is something you look forward to ALL year.

· The best things during exam nights are pancakes from the pub.

· If you’re a science major, Woods is your second home.

· Christmas break is too long.

· You have eaten with your professor at his/her house at least once.

· Weekends aren’t even that exciting because you have the whole week, too.

· You sport your Aviators… at night.

· Dressing up for class is the cool thing to do.

· There are no such things as “relationships,” just consistent hook-ups.

· The place everyone wants to get married is at All Saint’s.

· You’ve climbed/attempted to climb Morgan’s Steep.

· You go the opposite direction that the spiral stairwells at Walsh-Ellot tell you to.

· If you’re in photography, you go to take naps in the black room.

· You’ve wandered out to Green’s View with a couple of friends.

· Every time you make a cell phone call, you have to hide.

· Your door stays unlocked and usually wide open.

· Sewanee’s called “the mountain,” though we all know it’s just a plateau.

· You’ve hit/yelled at/chased/threw random objects at the deer on the side of the road.

· You know Abbo’s Alley like the back of your hand.

· You drive a SUV/European sports car.

· Keith Davis has yelled you at about going in through the back of McClurg.

· The causes of all fire alarms are either drunken people or burnt popcorn.

· You’ve wasted over a minute of your precious time waiting for the one stoplight in Sewanee to change.

· You wear boat shoes/Rainbows/Crocs.

· Your professor is late to lab.

· Getting SPO love makes your day.

· After 8 pm, you have no idea where your roommate is and/or when they will return (if you aren’t with them).

· Wal-Mart completely sells out their stash of fur the day of the Viking Party.

· You remember when Mi Casa used to not card.

· You’ve realized your professor has caught on to your and your classmate’s drinking habits.

· Courts should be a frat house in itself.

· You almost get ran over by a firefighter/EMT who just got a call.

· A Sewanee dog attempts to rip your pant leg off.

· You know that Sewanee IS right.

Um... so, yeah. I will hopefully add more that are a little more amusing.
I reallyreallyreallyreallyreally hope I can go back. If you can't tell already.


Anyway, I will just say that the summer school session was the best experience of my life.
I made new friends, did new things, had a blast, and found my potential new major. Yep, I want to major in Psychology now. Poking and prodding of the brain...ooooo.
And I found that the guy I was pretty much head over heels for either just didn't get it or didn't like me back. Either way, I was too big of a wuss to ever say anything, so being friends is about as far as we'll get, it seems. Oh well, better to keep something worthwhile than making it awkward. That's my motto.
Everything is so perfect for me to return that it makes me sick about the thought of not going back. I scored the nicest dorm with my favoritest person (JOJO!), expecting a kickass upcoming swim team, and finding a subject I am good at and enjoy. It's all come together... I just hope my determination will pay off, even if it is somewhat overdue. *embarassment*

Ugggh.
Hope everyone is having a good summer... yeah...

P.S. - Ohohohhohh. And Warped is coming up. So exciting.
Plus I'm going with Matt. :)
I can't wait for him to get here.

long time, no see?

Yes, I do believe that is the right title. I haven't posted in over a month. Summer school has engulfed my life a little.
Lo siento.

I went home last weekend and it was quite satisfying. Even though everything didn't go as planned, I still was laughing and smiling so much, which is what matters the most. Alexi is gone now, so a part of me is gone as well. It won't be the same coming home without her there, but I guess I will just have to deal with it and wait around for Christmas. It seems so far away...

I can't believe I only have one more full week of classes left... it's insane. Thankfully, summer school is alot more laid back than the regular semester at Sewanee, so I have lots of free time to have fun and exercise. I really need to get back into shape. It has also made me like Sewanee even more, especially with how iffy I was about it earlier in the year. I found it as an advantage mostly because, since you are in such a small population (compared to the normal year), you get to know people you wouldn't regularly meet. I just hope that I can still be able to keep in touch with them when the normal year starts out again.

And then comes the boy dilemma.
I come here to earn some credits and not worry about any guys, and I still find myself completely and utterly infatuated with this one guy. Why this happens, I don't know. I tried to avoid it and focus on the whole friendship aspect, but I can't help myself.
He's just... everything. He's got it all. He does it all. He's the complete package, yet he's single.
Must be a miracle, right? Ha... that's what I thought until I found myself almost tortured on a daily basis being around him. Mixed signals, galore! One minute he is cracking a smile in my direction with that sparkle in his eye, and the next, he doesn't show interest. I don't even know what to do with myself! It's like a roller coaster being around this guy. My heartbeat is going to be permanently irregular if he keeps this up.
I always find myself head over heels for guys that I just don't know if I can get.
I don't think I can get him... I believe he just sees me as a friend. And sometimes that is the worst thing to know.

Ugh.

And now I'm sick (sniffles and sore throat) and just want to lay in bed all day.
Boo on life.

always up or down; never down and out

So I haven't written in here for a bit, so I found it appropriate to post again.

Yesterday was an overall interesting day. Work started out depressing with doing one of the most gruesome procedures in the practice, but I actually handled it okay. I found that, yes, animals are cute and snuggly, but when it comes to their life, you can't really base things on 'cuteness'. Everything is logical reasoning... and it obviously makes sense. I have really enjoyed shadowing the vet thus far and have realized many different things about the profession. I definitely intend on continuing it when I return.
And I got to feed some bears (yes, pet bears... this lady was loaded) blueberries! That fulfilled my cuteness factor for the day.

Then I went out to the lake with Alexi for bit. She wakeskated, which looks like tons of fun (except bloody knuckles). I think I might try to use my chucks on that thing... haha. I would pimp it out.
I wakeboarded not too much longer afterwards. I was so surprised that I got up so easily and EVERY TIME. Not once did I fail at getting up... I was so proud of myself!!! Oh, then I jumped this wake and faceplanted really hard. My mom thinks I got a concussion. Way to go, me.
I have never experienced that bad of a headache. Ever.

Hopefully, if Alexi can get her bum up and running, we can spend a good amount of time together out on the lake again today. She makes me so happy... I love that girl. I really don't know what I am going to do when I leave, because I know she will be upset, which in turn makes me upset. Upsetness galore... argh.
I am going to miss alot of others, as well.
Hannah and I have gotten so much closer and really has helped me release how I have felt about things. My parents said I needed 'therapy' earlier in the year, but I shoved it away. Now I realize that this is the equivalent to therapy... just talking things out and not holding things back. I am just glad to have someone like her who talks and listens. And to think we were so different not that long ago...
Oh, and Lindsay. That girl is the sweetest thing in the world and I don't know what I am going to do without our runs and being stalked at Char's (eww). And who is she going to go out to Clay's lakehouse with?? I want to hang out with her and also introduce her to Alexi, because I think they would get along great.
And Brudder. Ohhh, I won't have a chess partner for every coffee I get in summer school. Or him and Will to cross the creek with at Finch Park. Poop. At least the ridiculously preppy style of Sewanee will remind me of him. And we definitely have Warped Tour to jam to when I get back... I cannot WAIT! Even though the bands aren't exactly as spectacular as the past years, I think we will still have a blast.
I'll also get to see Matt when I get back. I miss that kid... after that almost 3 hour phone convo, I realized how much I do miss having him around. Plus, he would be super proud of my wakeboarding improvements... and not so proud of my swimming progress so far -oops.
There is someone else I would mention, but they have recently disappointed me (unsurprisingly, though), so that's my list of who I'm really going to miss.

I guess I can look forward to what's in store when I come back...
Only 3 full days left. :[

crap x2

Okay... so I officially don't want to leave home.
There are so many reasons why I shouldn't go.

I wish I could list them, but they're mostly names....

Summer school sucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksssss.



How can I live for 6 weeks away from the people I have been the closest to for the majority of my life?? Argggh, it's just not fair.
I guess I can only know that I tried my hardest not to, but I failed. Damnit.


I just don't know what to do with myself right now.
I have also realized that most of my latest blogs have been lacking in words and thoughts. Sorry... I just don't even know what to say. There is just so much to write, yet I can't even find the words to go along with the thoughts swirling through my head. I am also afraid to say alot of things on my mind. My feelings, my infatuations, my sorrow, my happiness... all of it. It's just too much.
I just am glad that people don't always know what I am thinking. I can be so doubtful of things sometimes. They will say something and some negative thought against their statement will pop into my head. Sometimes it is an argument, a retort, even a joke. It is slightly depressing, yet it is how I think. Unfortunately, it is only to guard myself from any hopes of a better life. I always feel there is no way for things to eventually come together for me.
But I want it so bad.



2 days until my better half is here. Thank goodness.

strangers.

So I guess there is nothing left... I can only look forward to the few days I have here before summer school.

I just hate feeling unwanted. It is a truly horrible feeling and that is why I keep doubting myself. Nothing good could ever come out of anything I attempt.
Love is something that will never be achieved. I guess I will learn to accept that fact.


It was good visiting my roommate. I realized how much I missed her and that she is a large part in my life now, especially after spending so much time with her in the past. We can read each other so well and always have something to laugh about. I am just glad that I lucked out in the roommate department, unlike many of my classmates. I'd do about anything for her, and hopefully she would do the same for me.



June 1st. I need you. now.

done

I officially give up.

I'm tired of this... I really am.

phone call.

Funny how after last summer, I figured I had milked every good thing there was left out of Lexington... yet I am amazed to still find something new (and awesome). Crazy little world, it is.

I am exhuasted from just today's events. I was so worried sick about my Calc exam today that I didn't really fall asleep until about 5 this morning. Approximately 5 hours later, Tyler practically dragged me out of my bed, where we studied for 3 hours straight. I was about braindead the majority of the time, so I am not really sure how much material I comprehended, but I tried.
The exam wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (I KILLED that related rates problem!), but knowing my luck, I still won't do well in the class. I guess all I can do is hope.

After a spontaneous trip yesterday with Thy and a weird occurance on the way back, I have learned some creepy stuff about this campus... *shudders* ... whoaaa.

Anyway... I am about to hit the sack, but I just wanted to let my avid readers know that I have completed two exams, have one to go on Tuesday evening (and a poem due by Wednesday), then it's home free! I arrive in Lex Vegas on Thursday evening.

Can't wait to get home and see all my lovelies... <33333 (sorry, had to be cliche... you know you love me).

running away, so far away

I can't stay
I can't stay with you here...

Though I wish I could.

Once again, I am weighing out the good vs. bad of leaving Sewanee. I know that it is going to be an AWESOME summer, but there is a part of me that is reluctant to leave. I won't get to see my Jojo, won't have trails around me, and I sure as hell won't have a bunch of smart people around me. It's so nice to be able to hold an intelligent conversation and not feel, well, dumb.
Also, it will be a few months before I get to see Tyler again, and that makes me really sad. He's so much fun to hang out with that I really don't know what I am going to do without him. It will be odd knowing that he's even further than 6 hours away, and that he can't spontaneously drive down to see me (while swerving and about hitting people on the way... crazy ass). I'm going to miss those green eyes and that cute smile... I sure hope we stay in touch. You will never know how much you mean to me.
Oh, and on to the swim team... what am I going to do without having breakfast with Joey every Mon/Wed/Fri??? I am ready for swim season to start again next semester already... there are some great girls coming in and I can't wait to have a season with them. I can't wait for Florida and I sure as heck can't wait for another conference meet. As sad as it is, it seems I am encouraging time to move fast. That is not what I want, but I am looking forward to so much next year. Jo and I already have our room planned out and everything...
Yet, I have this summer planned out perfectly, as well. I just hope everything goes according to plan, and it will be the best summer yet... every summer tends to get better.

...I just hope Alexi and I can stay out of trouble. Highly doubtful.

10 days.

feelings are so overrated

I feel like I should write something, and I have a shitload to say, but I just don't even know where to begin or how to say it all.

1. You're fucking crazy. Like crazier than me... and that's saying something.
I'm not going to argue against your future plans, but I just hope that's what you really want to do.
You know who you are.
Psssh...likeyoucare.

2. Hub... don't beat yourself over this. Things will get better and you know you did everything for the best. You are a caring and honest person, and everyone should value that about you.
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..." - The Fray

3. I am about to fucking flip out over all theses tests and papers... the worst part is that my past swim prospective (who rocks, by the way) is coming back to make her final decision between here and Depauw (booooo...), and will have to stay with someone else because I am tanked with work. Plus, my roommate has NO work... none. So she is just strutting around the room with nothing to do.

4. I just want summer to be here. There's so many people to see, people...er... I mean... things to do, music to listen to, and lakehouses to chill on. And I miss my best... she truly IS the best. This summer is going to be incredible if all goes to plan.

5. I am stoked for Warped Tour. Both of them... yeeeeeeeeessss!!!!!!!


...I still feel like I have something to say, but I can't put my finger on it, so toodles for now kids.

what is trust

My trust issues are making my insides itch again... it keeps bothering me.
Maybe I don't trust you when you're away. I want to. And though I feel like I can, something inside keeps saying, "...what if...?"
I just keep thinking about what happened, what you could be hiding, what you could be doing.
Maybe I am just paranoid and need to stop, but I can't help but wonder... and can't help but be terrified of getting hurt.
I'm tired of it.
And I don't even want to go home anymore. Nowhere is fucking safe.
Not here, not home, not anywhere. My heart is constantly vulnerable.

I seriously need to find a new lifestyle or something.




Am I your match, or just a flame in the fire?

how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

choas

Complications
My claim to fame
And I can’t believe there’s another
Constantly just another
I can’t avoid what I can’t control
And I’m losing ground
Still I can’t stand down
And I know
Yeah I know
Yeah...

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
And everything around is breaking down to chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
After all the letdowns I’ve been through
Haunted by what I’ve been through
Best to try while I still can breathe
And I’m screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know
Yeah I know
Yeah...

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is breaking down to chaos
I know you stay
I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is breaking down to chaos
I know you stay...

misery loves me

So, my cat of almost 14.5 years was put down today...
I loved him so much. I remember the days when he was so small, he would escape through a fence hole. It's not going to be the same without my Poobs brushing affectionately against my legs and murmuring his funny meow at me, while staring up with those large yellow eyes. I couldn't imagine what it was like to not have that spark in his eye. Even at the age he was, he still had that same energy in him. He did such a great job of hiding his sickness when looking into that cute whiskered face, but his ribs showed otherwise.
This past weekend was probably the closest thing I had to a vacation in a long time, and it was incredible. I realize that people will always care about me, no matter who I'm with or where I am. You guys are the best. I wish I was closer in the summer...
Even though my mother tells me that she doesn't think I should return to Sewanee, I feel so attached here. There is nothing better than standing off the edge of a stone balcony, overlooking the campus when dimly lit at night. Even without the colorful decorations of spring, the campus is gorgeous. The wind played with my stray hairs that escaped from my ponytail and my mp3 player set the mood perfectly. I would rather be nowhere else... this place is a part of me now.
I don't want to go home. It's just not worth it.


I love you Poobs... always. I know you are at a better place now.

i'm buying more matches.

I'm lighting matches off of you
And burning bridges all for you
Their fires made a perfect view
Of what seemed to be your mouth

I'm letting loose one more regret
The two of us never looked so bad
I've watched the changes through your eyes
Like a movie for all my life

I'm lighting matches off of you
And building changes all for you
Their fires made a perfect view
Of what seemed to be your mouth

I'm letting loose one more regret
The two of us never looked so bad
I've watched the changes through your eyes
Like a movie of my life

God, this makes me sick to say
But theres one more regret -
The two of us never felt so right.

hip hip ... hooray!

SO.... we got into St. Lukes!! I can't believe it! What are the odds of THAT?!? Ahh.
Thank goodness my roomie's an ER and thank goodness for good luck. Wooo.

I wanna go to the lake this weekend... hopefully that will be the case. :)
Gotta prospie for Experience Weekend on Friday. Hope things go well and hope that it isn't long, so I can go out on the lake.
Did I mention that I wanted to go to the lake? Yeah...


This past weekend was fun! Even though mother nature hated us, it was still good times.

Sometimes you just be like ... DAMMMN.

amnesia, really need ya...

WOOT. This weekend is going to be fuunnn.

First, there is a good band playing at Stirling's on Friday night. They aren't a well known band, and they are just playing cover songs, but good ones! Anyway, I am down for some good music.
Saturday night is pink panties party with the team (yey!!... I miss them), which is pretty much pregaming for ATO's Harley party. I wouldn't be surprised if half the team doesn't even make it to ATO (esp after the last pink panties... oh god).
Then... Sunday. :) Yeyyy... I think I might have a visitor and it's going to be good times.

Alot of things I was indecisive about have pretty much cleared and I have my mind set on things that need to be done. I am going to be home this summer. And Alexi and I are going to have a hell of a time.
It hurts me sooo much that she is home and I am not with her. I have called her about twice a day, especially when I get frustrated with work, because her voice and goofiness always makes the weight and stress go away. I'd do anything to be with her right now instead of here, but alas, it is college... and I must be here.

Hopefully Lizzy and I will go swimming this week. I need it.



Bleh! ;)

Yeah, I feel the love. 

*poke*

I'm back!


I love Alexi!


I just went on a ridiculous poking frenzy!!

collapse

After hiding it for so long, people are actually noticing it. I'm crumbling.

I'm falling apart.
I have no self-esteem.
I down myself.
I have contemplated suicide.
I'm not happy.


But I'm okay... I always am.









I need you.

worst offender

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You're the first
The worst
Offender
Plus you're enough to fill
This page and bleed onto the next
Full of things that I need
Off my chest

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got a picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should i do
I'll forget you

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You don't care if you offend her
Plus you're enough to kill
This page and bleed onto the next
Full of things that I need
Off my chest

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got a picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should i do
I'll forget you

I'll forget you

Even know the path is undecided
I'll walk back if I have to
And all stay there for so long
Until I start to hear you screaming
You know I do what I want to

I want to

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got her picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should I do
I'll forget you

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You're the first
The worst
Offender


Sometimes lyrics say it best...

oops.

There I go, running my mouth again... except I actually said it. And got myself in trouble.
I seriously have never ever said anything rude to a teacher/professor before, even ones I've disliked, but I think I really went overboard on this. I am really scared of even walking back into the classroom with him again. I think the worst part is that he's actually a really good professor and I understand him even better than the other. I just am so frustrated right now and have no idea what to do, that I just took it out on someone who shouldn't even know what's going on in my life or have to hear it, for that matter.

I officially suck at life.


ARRRGGH.

i can barely contain myself...

I have to say it. I'm sorry...

You're hot.
Your pictures give me goosebumps.
You hurt, you're so fucking stunning.
You're on fire.
You're incredibly sexy.
You're... you're ridiculously attractive.
I couldn't take my eyes off you.
You're magnetic.
You're dangerously addictive.
My eyes yearn for you.
You're on my mind too much.
I can't help it, because I feel like I lost my chance.
Damn, I hate distance.
Knowing my luck, I'll never see you again.
Okay... I'm done.

... you stole the air from my chest at first sight.



I feel like I have lost my trust for the majority of the friends I really thought I could rely on. And suprisingly, the majority of my new friends are more trustworthy. I guess I will have to open up quicker and hope they won't abandon me.
This push causes me to be more insecure.
Apologies accepted - it's still awkward.
I don't think anything will be the same...

drop your glasses, this isn't a toast

I give up. I give up on everyone.





I need a mason, because more walls are to be built.








Bastards.

massive confusion

You'd think with a title like that, I would have alot to say, but I don't even know if there is anything to say.
I'm confused.



I can't wait until break so I can see my brudder, Wiiiillll, Erica, Lindsay, and, of course, Alexi. Even though I will only get to see her for a total of a few hours, it will improve my life tremendously. Weight always lifts from my shoulders when I am around her. I forget all of the bad things because she is always in this positive mindset. It's always, "let's go have fun" or just constant laughter. Cheerwine and mac and cheese always helps, as well. I miss her so much and I know this summer is going to be an absolute blast.

:) ... just think about summer and everything will be okay.


EDIT:
Thank goodness I have a loving and caring hubby who is there to listen to my moments of confusion. You're wonderful and don't know what I'd do without you... I'm always here for you, as well. I miss you and wish I could see you soon.

call me what you like

I still feel like a cold-hearted bitch for what I did, but I believe that it would have ended up being one-sided. I guess I should lay low in the guy department for a while... this was a reality check that ended with two people hurt. ... Yes, TWO people. Some people see me smiling or laughing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am happy. I have to wake up every morning with the realization that I am still torn inside, with the potential of never being fully mended. I constantly ask myself if I will ever be able to commit myself to anyone again. I am sure that, with time, I will be able to control that sick feeling that eats away at my stomach and my shaking hands when the word "relationship" comes around... but, for now, I oddly find myself more secure being alone. No, not in the arms of someone, but knowing that I don't have that risk of me fucking up or breaking someone's heart (even though I did, anyway).
I am just so tired of being numb. I want to feel again... I want to love again.



*sigh*

oh, catullus

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred more,
Another thousand, a second hundred or two,
A thousand and still a hundred hundred more.
Then when we have kissed a thousand thousand times
Let the countless number fly away before we pause
Counting, nor let some envious eye devise a plot
Knowing that so many kisses can be kissed.

stay where i can see you

For months you've been away
You're here a couple days
I've got all of the time in the world
To do with what we please
If it were up to me
We'd have all of the time in the world

Just stay right where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

I can name all 50 states
48 get in the way
From me being next to you
If it were up to me
We'd have everything we need
You'd have me
And I'd have you

Just stay right where I could be
Anyone you want
I'm glad I got the job
We've got something in mind
And I've got all this time

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

Just stay right where I can see you
Just stay right where I can
Where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the...

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
Once you go away I get so lonely
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

forgive me but i can't be everything you deserve

I want to kick you in your stupid face right now... you fucked up everything for me, even in the long run. It may have felt like so long ago, but the scars still remain.



I hate being insecure.
He was perfect.
You ruined it.




Fuck you.







Hey
Did you hear about my mistakes
I never thought you'd see me looking down...

move along

Home was great.

It was a break from the toil of college and the stress of the atmosphere there. The best of my friends even came back and that made it the best. Brudder was right when saying that no matter how you think that your college friends are going to become closer to you than your friends from home, it never happens. Don't get me wrong, I have had some fun experiences at college, but the feeling when I am with my friends from home is irreplaceable. You don't have to hold back, because they know everything about you anyway. I feel like a real person around them. They help me bring me back to who I am whenever I am around them. They make me feel like home. If any of them ever visited me up here, I know that a little piece of home would be with me, and that is like a miracle. The scent of home, the views, the roads, the memories, but mostly the friends. They will never change... and if they do, they always go back to the way they were when they are home. Home scars you in the best way. I am proud of the scars that home has left on me. I show them with pride.
It is those times you know who your real friends are, and that they will always be there for you. They were the people who made me cry when I left, even though I hated my town with every inch of my body.
I sometimes wish I wasn't so far from home...







When everything is wrong
We move along...

hmmm...

I will always be curious as to how you really feel...








I am sure I have used these lyrics numerous, numerous times on here, but...

Forgive me but I can't be everything you deserve
And I know it's too late to crawl back to you tonight
But there's a few things that I just need you to know
Like the way I felt when we were close
And how the stars explode every time you are near.







I can NOT wait to go home.

caring is creepy.

So... I could just lay down and die right now because I feel like complete SHIT. This is a horrible cold. If I'm not coughing, my nose is running; if my nose isn't running, it's stopped up; if it's stopped up, I'm coughing and then maybe it's running, too.
I can't wait to go home this weekend. I wanna see my Alfie Boy and sleep in my own bed... that will be the cure. Everytime I feel just completely miserable, I wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me - if this is more than a cold. Sure, swim season is over... but the lack of exercise definitely doesn't help my immune system. The worst part is I WANT to do something, but I can't because I feel so bad. Grrr.

*wipes nose* I just hate being sick.


Early bedtime?

valentine?

Happy VALENTINE'S Day aka Singles Awareness Day... (sorta)



I miss swimming already. This girl on our team gave me a huge hug today in the hall and was like, "IT'S BEEN 2 DAYS!!" It is sad how close we become. One of the guys on the swim team even gave every girl on the team flowers... now THAT'S what a guy should be doing.

I am trying to continue the ab workouts, because all I have been doing is working, eating, and sleeping. I have got to start running or something. I don't want Mr. Pudge coming to visit me. He's very unwelcome.

I still have a shitload of work. And I just finished watching a movie...



Yeahhh... that's about it.
Hope everyone's V-day is a good one! :)

scac

Well.... *takes a deep breath*

The conference meet was long, tiring, and VERY interesting.
First and foremost, both our guys and girls got 3rd in the conference, so that was pretty exciting. Rose-Hulman was only 7 pts away from putting our guys to shame, but we pulled out. I think coach was relieved, but not overjoyed, especially since we got 2nd last year. I don't know if this will happen, but I HOPE that we win conference once in my swimming career at Sewanee.
I ended up returning to every evening swimming session, which means I was top 16 in all of my individual events, even 200 IM! I seriously wasn't expecting that... I dropped 9 seconds from what the psyche sheet said. I ended up getting 16th (hehehe) in that, but hey, not too bad, considering I have only swam it like 3 times this season. I dropped 2 seconds on my 100 breast and placed 10th, while dropping 10 seconds in the 200 breast and got 9th. I did better in my breaststroke events, but still just missed making the final heat. I was sort of upset, but what looks better - first/second in the consolation heat, or absolutely last in the finals?? Ahhh... I dunno.
I saw a couple of people I knew from other schools, and that sure brought back alot of memories. The person that really got me was Landon... that kid turned out to be pretty awesome. I wasn't sure if he was going to even talk to me, especially since he had a girlfriend. But not even my first 5 minutes on deck and I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around to that smile that used to be blurred and undetailed from pictures and looked at his deep caramel eyes. It was him, and he was real. He was exactly how he was on the phone and via email. His voice, his personality... it was all so real and so accurate. I wonder if I seemed any different in person. After every race, especially if I was upset, he would wait for me at the edge of the pool while I was warming down, just to get a few words in. Considering how we kind of "met," this was a drastic change of how I would see him in person. I sure hope we keep in touch.
Annnnddd there were plenty of other things that happened at conference, but haha... there's just sooo much.
Now that I had so much fun at confernce, I have to spend the next week and a half making up work. Ickkypoo. :(


[I can name all 50 states
48 get in the way
From me being next to you]






I need a nap.

a casus

I have ultimately lost respect for you. I thought you cared a little more about yourself.














..who feels love?

the answer

My comforts drop and melt away like snow:
I shake my head, and all the thoughts and ends,
Which my fierce youth did bandy, fall and flow
Like leaves about me: or like summer friends,
Flies of estates and sunshine. But to all,
Who think me eager, hot, and undertaking,
But in my prosecutions slack and small;
As a young exhalation, newly waking,
Scorns his first bed of dirt, and means the sky;
But colling by the way, grows pursy and slow,
And settling to a cloud, doth live and die
In that dark state of tears: to all, that so
Show me, and set me, I have one reply,
Which they that know the rest, know more than I.

-- George Herbert

*shniff*

This is for my hubby, who deserves the many smiles he gives me. :)

wham!

Sometimes, I don't know what to think of all of this. When situations come and smack you in the face all at once, it can be overwhelming. I can't think anymore. I try to do Latin, try to read Biology, but I can't help but think about what's happening. My life back home is crumbling and I am not there to save it. I can only sit alone outside, watch my warm breath in short gasps escape my mouth into the cold air, and feel my once hot tears turn cold against my cheek. I am tired of this, so tired...


I've got my things
I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation's come and gone too late
There's so much sun where I'm from
I had to give it away
Had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family's old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell
Perfect...

Hours pass
And she still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised
Bruised
And don't fly fast
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks
I walk the aisle
I take my pills
The babies cry
All I hear is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
And I
And I am
Finally waking up

Hours pass
And she still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised
Bruised
Don't fly fast
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady now
Cause every inch you see is bruised
Yeah

So read your books
But stay out late
Some nights
Some nights
And don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here
Since the bad news
Well I'm here till close
With fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far

And hours pass
And hours pass

She still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised
Bruised
And don't fly fast
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady now
Cause every inch you see is bruised
Bruised
Bruised.

indeed.

:)

so...

Kapone officially broke up.




'Tis a sad, sad day.




http://www.kaponeband.com

maybe you've been waiting...

..for a decent post. I know that most of them have consisted of these little surveys that really mean nothing, but I just haven't found anything good to put on here.

So now I think I am ready to scatter my thoughts onto the table.
My shoulder has gotten better, but it still likes to remind me of its gimpiness here and there. There is this huge buildup to the conference meet (about 2 1/2 wks from now), which makes me slightly nervous. There are going to be so many different teams and we are one of the top teams there. This throws alot of expectation on us... especially for improvement from this moment until then. There's not that much time and I still haven't improved like I had hoped. I am still feeling the fatigued effects of Florida, but there are a few elements of hope in my stroke. Coach also decided to put me in the 200 IM, which is an event I haven't consistently done since high school. I did it yesterday and it felt so awful. I had almost forgotten how painful it was to swim. As much pressure there is from the swim team, I am just trying to focus in class.
Which is why I am not rushing. Considering the campus here is 90% greek, it gets pretty annoying to tell people that. They look at you like you are insane and immediately ask "WHY?"
To be honest, I would be more up to joining a fraternity before a sorority. I hate being around a bunch of girls, especially when they are extremely intoxicated and stupid. Not my idea of fun, sorry. Now I am not trying to say that being around extremely intoxicated GUYS is any more fun, but the fraternities here are much more interesting than the sororities. Hell, I know EXACTLY which fraternity I would join. My Latin exam got moved to another day because of house visits, which I think is complete bullshit, as well. This time of year, everyone is so fucking worked up about which house they got into, I wouldn't be suprised if the overall population's grades slip (even if it's only the beginning of the semester). Talk about a great first impression in class.
And then there's the last thing that is bugging the shit out of me.... ME. There's this guy I like alot and we have a ridiculous amount in common, but I am too big of a wimp to just tell him how I feel. I just wish I could get up the courage, but everytime I think I can do it, I just can't get it out. There's these words just bursting inside of me, but my mouth refuses to open. It's one of those things where you ask/tell yourself, "What do you have to lose?" or "Life is too short to let an opportunity pass you." And as I rebuke myself constantly about it, I still can't get up the nerve to say what I think. It's driving me insane. And the worst part is, this guy is just an all around nice guy, so you don't know if he's just being - well - NICE or throwing out subtle hints of interest. It's seriously eating me from the inside out.
I noticed since I have been in college, I have become much more outgoing, but all it takes is just ONE person to clam me up.

guilty?

Singing in the shower?: guilty

Dancing in the rain?: guilty

Left the stove on?: guilty

Ate Stale food?: guilty

Spit in someone's Drink?: innocent

Stole Something from a friend?: guilty

Played with Barbies? guilty

Kissed your posters of your favorite stars?: guilty

Listened to stupid music and said you like it?: guilty

Made someone cry?: guilty

Opened your Christmas presents early?: guilty

Found money, and didn't turn it in?: guilty

Gave money to a homeless person?:guilty

Thought "Star Wars" was cool?: guilty

Had a super-hero costume?: innocent

Lied to protect a friend?: guilty

Broken a bone?: guilty

Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?: innocent

Played a Computer game for more than 5 hours?: guilty

Dyed your hair a color from the rainbow: innocent

Hugged your mom in the past 24 hours?: innocent

...Have you Ever...

Ran through the sprinklers?: guilty

Ran through the sprinklers naked?: innocent

Went outside naked?: innocent

Flashed somebody?: innocent

Been on stage?: guilty

Been in a parade?: guilty

Drank beer?: innocent

Went to work w/ a hangover?: innocent

Gotten detention?: guilty

Gotten suspended?: innocent

Gotten expelled?: innocent

Been on a plane?: guilty

Been on a cruise?: innocent

Traveled out of the country?: guilty

Swam in the ocean?: guilty

Nearly died once?: innocent

Liked a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend?: guilty

Cheated on a test?: guilty

Broken into a house?: innocent

Stolen from your own family?: innocent

Ate spoiled food by accident?: guilty

Ate spoiled food on purpose?: innocent

Ate food you dropped on the floor?: guilty

Laughed at a funeral?: innocent

Watched somebody's death?: innocent

Killed somebody?: innocent

Gotten a tattoo?: innocent

Gotten piercings?: guilty

Fired a gun?: guilty

Gotten into a fist fight?: innocent

Swallowed sea/pool water?: guilty

Swallowed sea/pool water on purpose?: innocent

Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?: guilty

Laughed so hard it hurt?: guilty

Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: innocent

Seen a live birth?: innocent

Delivered a baby/animal?: innocent

Had an imaginary friend?: guilty

Fell down a whole flight of stairs?: innocent

Tripped on stairs?: guilty

Tripped on your own feet?: guilty

Cried yourself to sleep?: guilty

Cried in public?: innocent

Thrown up in public?: innocent

Lied to your parents?: guilty

Skipped school?: innocent

Hit an animal with your vehicle?: guilty

Been one who helped another cheat?: guilty

Cried so hard you threw up?: innocent

Given a wet willy to someone?: guilty

Gotten a wet willy?: guilty

Been in Love?:: guilty

every inch of me is bruised

This is what broken hope and a potentially fucked up rotator cuff looks like.

training trip

Yeah, so I am in Florida getting tan and toned. W00t.


There's not much to say other than my worst fear has finally occurred. My left shoulder finally called it quits with excruciating pain. Of course, it had to happen during my training trip...
My body really likes to fuck up during the worst times. Never fails.
I am scared to see what the future holds for my swimming career now... :(

It seems like my body is falling apart. I have also been hoarse for the past 2 days, and it's almost quite funny. I called my dad earlier and he didn't even know who I was. It was pretty crazy. The worst part is that I sound HORRIBLE, but feel perfectly fine. My fever dwindled away days ago, it's just I get sympathy now when I sound bad. That's how it always works.

Other than all that shit, I am actually trying to enjoy my time down here in Florida.





bleh.