amnesia, really need ya...

WOOT. This weekend is going to be fuunnn.

First, there is a good band playing at Stirling's on Friday night. They aren't a well known band, and they are just playing cover songs, but good ones! Anyway, I am down for some good music.
Saturday night is pink panties party with the team (yey!!... I miss them), which is pretty much pregaming for ATO's Harley party. I wouldn't be surprised if half the team doesn't even make it to ATO (esp after the last pink panties... oh god).
Then... Sunday. :) Yeyyy... I think I might have a visitor and it's going to be good times.

Alot of things I was indecisive about have pretty much cleared and I have my mind set on things that need to be done. I am going to be home this summer. And Alexi and I are going to have a hell of a time.
It hurts me sooo much that she is home and I am not with her. I have called her about twice a day, especially when I get frustrated with work, because her voice and goofiness always makes the weight and stress go away. I'd do anything to be with her right now instead of here, but alas, it is college... and I must be here.

Hopefully Lizzy and I will go swimming this week. I need it.



Bleh! ;)

Yeah, I feel the love. 

*poke*

I'm back!


I love Alexi!


I just went on a ridiculous poking frenzy!!

collapse

After hiding it for so long, people are actually noticing it. I'm crumbling.

I'm falling apart.
I have no self-esteem.
I down myself.
I have contemplated suicide.
I'm not happy.


But I'm okay... I always am.









I need you.

worst offender

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You're the first
The worst
Offender
Plus you're enough to fill
This page and bleed onto the next
Full of things that I need
Off my chest

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got a picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should i do
I'll forget you

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You don't care if you offend her
Plus you're enough to kill
This page and bleed onto the next
Full of things that I need
Off my chest

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got a picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should i do
I'll forget you

I'll forget you

Even know the path is undecided
I'll walk back if I have to
And all stay there for so long
Until I start to hear you screaming
You know I do what I want to

I want to

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got her picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should I do
I'll forget you

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You're the first
The worst
Offender


Sometimes lyrics say it best...

oops.

There I go, running my mouth again... except I actually said it. And got myself in trouble.
I seriously have never ever said anything rude to a teacher/professor before, even ones I've disliked, but I think I really went overboard on this. I am really scared of even walking back into the classroom with him again. I think the worst part is that he's actually a really good professor and I understand him even better than the other. I just am so frustrated right now and have no idea what to do, that I just took it out on someone who shouldn't even know what's going on in my life or have to hear it, for that matter.

I officially suck at life.


ARRRGGH.

i can barely contain myself...

I have to say it. I'm sorry...

You're hot.
Your pictures give me goosebumps.
You hurt, you're so fucking stunning.
You're on fire.
You're incredibly sexy.
You're... you're ridiculously attractive.
I couldn't take my eyes off you.
You're magnetic.
You're dangerously addictive.
My eyes yearn for you.
You're on my mind too much.
I can't help it, because I feel like I lost my chance.
Damn, I hate distance.
Knowing my luck, I'll never see you again.
Okay... I'm done.

... you stole the air from my chest at first sight.



I feel like I have lost my trust for the majority of the friends I really thought I could rely on. And suprisingly, the majority of my new friends are more trustworthy. I guess I will have to open up quicker and hope they won't abandon me.
This push causes me to be more insecure.
Apologies accepted - it's still awkward.
I don't think anything will be the same...

drop your glasses, this isn't a toast

I give up. I give up on everyone.





I need a mason, because more walls are to be built.








Bastards.

massive confusion

You'd think with a title like that, I would have alot to say, but I don't even know if there is anything to say.
I'm confused.



I can't wait until break so I can see my brudder, Wiiiillll, Erica, Lindsay, and, of course, Alexi. Even though I will only get to see her for a total of a few hours, it will improve my life tremendously. Weight always lifts from my shoulders when I am around her. I forget all of the bad things because she is always in this positive mindset. It's always, "let's go have fun" or just constant laughter. Cheerwine and mac and cheese always helps, as well. I miss her so much and I know this summer is going to be an absolute blast.

:) ... just think about summer and everything will be okay.


EDIT:
Thank goodness I have a loving and caring hubby who is there to listen to my moments of confusion. You're wonderful and don't know what I'd do without you... I'm always here for you, as well. I miss you and wish I could see you soon.

call me what you like

I still feel like a cold-hearted bitch for what I did, but I believe that it would have ended up being one-sided. I guess I should lay low in the guy department for a while... this was a reality check that ended with two people hurt. ... Yes, TWO people. Some people see me smiling or laughing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am happy. I have to wake up every morning with the realization that I am still torn inside, with the potential of never being fully mended. I constantly ask myself if I will ever be able to commit myself to anyone again. I am sure that, with time, I will be able to control that sick feeling that eats away at my stomach and my shaking hands when the word "relationship" comes around... but, for now, I oddly find myself more secure being alone. No, not in the arms of someone, but knowing that I don't have that risk of me fucking up or breaking someone's heart (even though I did, anyway).
I am just so tired of being numb. I want to feel again... I want to love again.



*sigh*

oh, catullus

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred more,
Another thousand, a second hundred or two,
A thousand and still a hundred hundred more.
Then when we have kissed a thousand thousand times
Let the countless number fly away before we pause
Counting, nor let some envious eye devise a plot
Knowing that so many kisses can be kissed.

stay where i can see you

For months you've been away
You're here a couple days
I've got all of the time in the world
To do with what we please
If it were up to me
We'd have all of the time in the world

Just stay right where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

I can name all 50 states
48 get in the way
From me being next to you
If it were up to me
We'd have everything we need
You'd have me
And I'd have you

Just stay right where I could be
Anyone you want
I'm glad I got the job
We've got something in mind
And I've got all this time

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

Just stay right where I can see you
Just stay right where I can
Where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the...

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
Once you go away I get so lonely
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed