sometimes the same if different, but mostly, it's the same

So, I overlooked my ENTIRE blog the other day, and noticed just how much it has changed. I first used it as a summary of my life - a semi-autobiography, but now, it's pretty much full of rants. I suppose it still sums up a lot of occurrences in my life, but it has a lot more feeling to it. I guess I don't like writing things just to write them... I have to be somewhat inspired before getting up enough energy to post. But I am sure, by now, you have realized that I do definitely have something to write about.

In my last post, I talked about a guy at work that was kind of a threat, but probably not, because I was not interested in dating. Well, for the past 3 months, him and I have been in a pretty serious relationship. It was odd, because I really did try hard to avoid it, but he was so damn persistent. I finally caved and realized that it was nice to have someone there again. Although he is much different from any guy I have ever been with, we still had a lot of fun. However, the entire time, I figured it would just be a summer fling, and I would then return to my college, single again. But... about a month before I had to leave, we had a pretty intoxicated conversation about how we were going to try to continue it when I went to college.
Keep in mind that our colleges are 600 miles apart.
The rest of the summer was great - the 5-day trip to Ocracoke Island and summer nights watching the stars while choking down shots of vodka. We never argued and just enjoyed each other to the fullest.
It was sad when he left to go to college, but he came back every weekend. Even then, being away from each other for 3 days to a week was almost unbearable, compared to seeing each other every day at work and in the evenings. I knew, deep down, this long-distance thing was going to be rough. When I left for my college, he hugged me goodbye and kept from crying a little (it's so cute that he is such a big guy and I can still bring him to tears). I assured him that it was only 3 weeks until I got to see him and tried my hardest to have an optimistic outlook on us.
I soon learned that having a relationship on the phone is very hard... you can't really talk things out, even though it is all about talk. We went from never having a problem to arguing almost every other day. After 2 weeks, he couldn't take it anymore, and drove 9 hours to come see me. I was ecstatic when he was here, but it was still for a short period of time. Along with that, Nathan (mentioned in previous post) came in the same weekend, which made things very stressful. I didn't get to see him (or speak to him) for more than 30 minutes altogether. And even though my new boyfriend was at my side, I couldn't help but still have something deep inside for Nathan. I missed him so much.
As for now, it's been a month since Chris (new boyfriend) has been here, and our fights have only gotten worse. I have said, "it's over!", more than once, but ended up taking it back. We even had the talk about how bad things are now, and how breaking up sometimes seems like the best. Every time we fight, I ask myself more and more why I am putting up with all of it. The wonderful relationship we once had is now something completely different. It's something I wouldn't normally hold on to for one second.
And Nathan and I have been keeping in touch throughout all of this. Even though it does bother him that I have a boyfriend now, he is tolerant of being a friend, because that's about all he can be, anyway. Sadly, I put my guard down a couple of nights ago, when I drunkenly called him and admitted that I still had feelings for him. I felt terrible the next morning when I had realized what I had done, but I vividly remembered him saying that he still had feelings for me, as well.
Although that bites at me on a daily basis, I wouldn't break it off with my new boyfriend because of Nathan; I would do it for myself. It's like something that weighs me down now, and the more that I think about it, the more I wonder why I have let it get this far.
But I have let it get this far. He is coming up a little over 2 days for my birthday for 6 days. Part of me thinks it's unfair for him to even come up here again with all these feelings that I have now, but the other part says this might be the last chance I have to reconsider my options. I guess it is the latter, because I can't just tell him he can't now. Don't you think it's sad that I may have already made up my mind before he even gets a last chance? Yeah, me too.

Speaking of chances, I sometimes wish that I could get over Nathan. I gave him a whole year to get his shit together and actually commit, and, although we were pretty much exclusive at the end of the year, he didn't quite follow through. I just don't understand how I am giving one guy so many chances and another so few. I can't explain it, but I still have more feelings for Nathan than any person I know ... even the guy I am with now. Either Nathan and I need to figure some things out, or I have to find someone to sweep me off my feet and get my mind off of him. I don't even know if there will be someone who can do that at this point.

In conclusion, I am so hopeless and complicate things for myself. This guy doesn't do much wrong (outside of the arguments, which aren't just his fault), and I am subconsciously trying to find a reason to dump him.
Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship, even though that's something that I want more than anything.

I hate irony.

it's all the same...

It's been a long time.
So, I will begin this blog with the bad and then end on a good note. It's always good to finish with the positive, right?

I have recently began to notice that some of the people that I consider my closest friends are not really that. It's probably the worst feeling in the world to doubt those that you put so much trust in for such a long period of time.
It all started with Thy... one of my best friends from college, who graduated about a month and a half ago. I have always had trouble making friends with girls, and although she was intimidated at first to talk to me, we hit it off right away. She was there for me the night after graduation that I broke down about her and Nathan leaving, and told me that she would see me in less than a month at an upcoming wedding. I never saw her there (after running around campus for an hour and a half), and didn't hear much from her after that. After getting home from China, I realized that she abruptly un-friended me on this college networking site we both have. I don't really know what caused it all, but I am still left in the dark. I have no clue as to why she once called me her best friend, then now won't even speak to me. Her mother is going through alot of sickness, she's re-taking the MCAT, and I know that's stressful, but I want more than anything to be there for her just like she was for me. We have had our fights, but I have always know what I have done wrong. In this case, I have no clue as to what's going on, or what I did. I just wish things would be back to the way they were with her and I. Just being away from college makes me miss it all so much. I miss being able to walk downstairs and knock on her locked door (even though I KNOW she's in there) and listen to her squeak, "Who is it?" and I squeak back, "Meee!". I miss our late night Stirling trips and Blue Chair fruit tea refills. I mostly miss her being so damn smart, and me always wishing that I was motivated enough to make my family as proud as hers is of her. I would give anything in the world to just talk to her for a little bit, just to know that things are okay. When a friend is mad at me, it just nags at me little by little until I about lose it.
I have been so on edge because of this, and I have unknowingly gotten a worse attitude towards people. My best guy friend flipped out on me the other week because I was picking on him alot. I yell at my co-workers and even the kids I coach almost on a daily basis. I have decided to start therapy again, not even for my past experiences and situations, but for what's going on now. I just wish everything would stop bothering me so much.
And tonight, which triggered this entry, is the night of the fourth of July. My beloved best friend, Alexi, promised that she would call me to come to her lakehouse and still hasn't called me. This sadly isn't the first time and I guess I am sick and tired of being bummed out on in general. Alot of my friends have promised things, but have either never called or just found something better. I hate being second rate, an option, or any of those things. I always tell myself to do the same thing back just to let them see how it feels, but I never seem to have the guts to do it. Maybe I just have a heart.
On the contrary, Nathan got a job in my home state, 8-9 hours from his home. This means I can go and see him (even though it is 5 hours from MY home) more than I would otherwise. It was great to hear his voice on the phone this past weekend. It made everything okay and things got so much better knowing that he was closer. I am going to see him in a week and a half, and cannot wait to do so. From what I could tell, I think he feels the same.
I am trying to focus on the good I have with him and I, even though this job in a new location has its 'threats'. There is a guy that I work with who is actually starting to get to me a little bit, but I am not too worried. I have actually done an excellent job of turning down any opportunities to have a thing with any guy. Not because of Nathan (considering we're not really exclusive or anything), but for myself. I have enjoyed not having to worry about the opposite sex for once in about 2.5 years, and it has made my life a lot less complicated.
So yey me.

In summary, I appreciate the friendships that I have, but I would like some consistent ones and the ones that I miss back. It would make all of our lives so much easier and happier.
And I need happy.
See you all in therapy, for now.

time, why do you punish me?

So, here it is... the end.
The seniors at my college graduated today, and although the festivities of the past few days have been incredible (I only personally experienced one day, and that was nuts), I felt a huge lump in my throat as I looked at faces that I may never see again.
Especially those of my two best friends.

Even though I very well know that I will see them again, I guess their large lack of presence in the near future is what scares me the most. It is normally shocking in general for a college student to come home to a lot less freedom than usual, but it is even worse to not be able to have access to the friends that once surrounded you for months on end.
I do cherish my friends from home (don't get me wrong), it's just different. Very different.

As I looked at my past blogs, I noticed that I didn't give credit where it very well is due. There is a person that I met around this time just a year ago, and he has made a huge impact on my life. Not only have we been 'kind of dating' (it's complicated...) on and off since we met, he's been one of my best friends through it all. I always put him on the backburner when I found someone 'more interesting,' pushed him away when I probably needed him the most, and made a lot of mistakes that hurt both him and I. But although I gave him every reason to hate me and tell me to get the fuck out of his life, he always waited there with open arms. When I dated a guy from home for 3 months during first semester, he actively pursued me and told me how he actually felt. It was obvious that he missed me and, although I told myself it was wrong, I missed him just as much. I couldn't even wait a full week after the break-up to go back to him.
And even though he has never verbally told me much of his feelings, people who know him tell me again and again just how much he likes me. It's not even what he says, but how he says it.
After I made a decision that lead to one of the worst situations of my life, he still was there for me, even though he could have easily told me to get out. He talked it out with me and told me he could never ask me to leave. I figured I wouldn't even get more than eye contact of him after what happened, but he forgave me with so much more.
From that point, something in me told me that other guys really didn't matter, and that maybe this was exactly what I was looking for. A guy that you could do anything with - from hanging out and drinking to cuddling while watching a movie. Things have gone so smooth for us since, and we haven't argued one bit. The fact that we both knew we had to part ways soon pressured us to just give up on the drama and focus on the good things. And that was exactly what we did. Neither one of us felt compelled to find 'someone else,' because we were all that the other could handle.
And now, in 24 hours, he will be back in his home state, and I will be in class for an abroad trip that I am doing. I will still be on the mountain, knowing that, next semester, I won't be able to walk to his room and ultimately feel better upon just seeing his face. I won't be able to hide under his down comforter or in his arms when I am scared or upset. I won't be able to walk in to him banging away at his drumset on a Thursday Open Mic Night. I won't be able to find him in Skip's room, hanging out, where I can plop down beside him as he slyly sneaks his arm around me as the night unfolds. I won't be able to steal his wine and drink straight from the bottle while he just smiles at me. Man, how he smiles at me...

Throughout my days of adolescence, I have tried so hard to figure out what love is. Could this be? It seems that it being vocalized isn't even necessary (as crucial as that seems) for us; it's silently understood. Neither one of us have exchanged the three big words, and I don't know if we ever will. But I do feel that it's there, and that's the most important thing.
After this evening, I look forward to the next time our eyes meet again, because I don't know if how I feel for him will ever be rekindled in another. If so, it will still be very different.

Congratulations to the Class of 2007. May you all enter this 'real world' strong and succeed in several ways.
I love you all.

And most importantly, I love you, Nathan.

who you are

Here lately, I have encountered many situations that have made me evaluate who I am as a person. All of these events have absolutely nothing to do with the other, but they still tie into something that is a huge factor in every person’s life – themselves.

The first occurrence was just the other weekend, where I later found myself torn between doing something I love but being with some people I dislike. Many who read this would think, “Oh, it’s just a few people… there’s only so much they can do.” I sadly beg to differ. I suppose I have gone around with that mindset at times, but I admit that I have let only a few (or one, for that matter) really get to me in the past. It is even worse when you spend practically six months with them. They are with you for two or more hours a day, and more than that on weekends. I figure that no one on my swim team reads this anyway, so I can quit being so anonymous… it is my own team. The team that is seen as the closest by far on campus and envied by many teams just by how well we bond. We eat together, drink together, travel together, and sometimes even sleep together. It’s always together.

Not me.

Call me a non-conformist for the 19284^th time, but I don’t like getting wasted beyond my memory’s capacity every night I get the chance. I don’t enjoy sitting at a table with people who don’t acknowledge that I am there and have no interest in my input to the conversation. I don’t like the expectation that everyone on the team “hooks up” with one another. And I mostly hate the fact that within this already seemingly exclusive group, there are cliques within that.

How can someone who is in a team feel excluded? I never thought it was possible. I felt less excluded being the only white girl on the volleyball team in high school than I do now on my collegiate swim team. I think that is really sad.

Now you are all wondering as to why I finally just let it all out. I guess there is a breaking point to everyone. And when someone actually voiced that I was “an outcast” to the team one night at a fraternity, I guess you could say I snapped a little. Due to the situation, I brushed it off, but it really left a mark on me emotionally. I suppose I always hoped that my assumption of being too different from my “group” was just my own slight paranoia, but maybe not. My mind started questioning, “Is this what they all think?” Given that the swimmer who said this was decently intoxicated and using it as an attempt to benefit only her, I find it inexcusable.

I have wanted to confront her, but I would rather not risk messing up my already golden reputation with the team. It seems as though I have nothing to lose.

The next situation is something that is pretty much out of my hands. I went to a talk at the Women’s Center on hair, mostly (I admit) for the free sub sandwiches. As the discussion went on from the presenters, I realized that every one of them (except one) had curly hair. They talked about how society was so dependent on the hair-straightener and that no one cherishes their real locks anymore. I could feel them look at me with those judgmental eyes, condemning me for having the straight hair on my head. The one speaker who had naturally straight hair had a shaved head. He focused on that.

I felt slightly upset that some of these people in front of me were sure that I, too, spend 20+ minutes straightening my hair every morning. My hair is naturally straight. It has always been. It sometimes even gets a slight wave or curl at the ends, and that is something to celebrate. When I was little, my hair was so straight and fine, my hair bands and hair bows would slide right out. To this day, curling/crimping it is a waste of time. My stubborn hair refuses to hold any style. It never falls the right way, lacks volume, and gets dirty very easily. Anyone with curly hair would tell me to stop complaining about having straight hair, but it isn’t the best thing, either. And I don’t mean to have the natural hair that is in style now, it just happens. When curly is back in style, I guess I will be out of the loop.

Until then, don’t judge me for what I have or who I am.

I can’t help that I don’t share the same interests or my complete life with my team, or that my hair is straight as a board. Those are things that I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have finally started to realize just who I am as a person since college. It’s been a wonderful experience so far, even though disappointing things have happened to get there.

I will always be different and I will always have naturally straight hair.

I will always wait until the last minute to do assignments. I will always play with my hair in class. I will always mess with my clothing constantly. I will always want to roll back over every morning. I will always get excited when my nails grow out. I will always listen to music. I will always be a hopeless romantic. I will always pretend to study harder than I do. I will always have a southern accent. I will always question everything. I will always love pasta. I will always fiddle with my bracelets. I will always be short of breath when working really hard. I will always hold in my emotions around others. I will always try not to judge others. I will always hate running. I will always laugh at things no one understands. I will always miss my friends from home. I will always not know where I am going with this…

But I will always be who I am.

what is attraction?

I often find myself titling a lot of these posts with only questions, but I suppose that is what life is all about. I have never found myself not questioning anything, because it's human nature to ponder pretty much everything. But along with all questions, I intend to give input on my own interpretation of things.

This could be quite appropriate for the upcoming Valentine's Day...

What is attraction exactly? Is it merely physical? Is it defined in the moment where your eyes seem magnetic to someone who passes by? Or is it after you have gotten to know someone where you really feel connected to them?
I feel like I have felt every aspect of what we call attraction. It was only this weekend at my conference meet that my eyes couldn't keep off of this one dark haired, blue-eyed swimmer from another team. He was captivating, yet I couldn't quite figure out how, out of all the male bodies running around, I was especially drawn to him. And even after only watching him, I found many things we had in common - we swam the same events, acted the same in relation to the rest of the team, etc. It's funny how the mind rushes to find anything that could spark conversation or tie two people together. I find that there are degrees of attraction from all of this. It starts with mere physical attraction and then immediately (if it gets that far) into emotional. Only by looking at this guy, I was already trying to find inner interests that we shared.
This is also the point where I play devil's advocate with the whole "looks don't matter" business.
C'mon... who are you really fooling? What really sparks the first bit of interest? I know it's not not the fact that you are in the same English course. Besides, everyone takes English, right?
Maybe what I am trying to get at is that attraction is such a flexible definition. Some people take it more seriously and definitely consider it in different situations.
As for me, I only see attraction as something fleeting at this point. The fact that some person's glance can get your heart racing doesn't mean much to me anymore. It happens here and there, and sure, it's nice to know if you can catch their attention back, but it usually doesn't go anywhere.
Those little bits of eye contact only happen in passing, whether it be on your college campus or at a swim meet that is 8 hours away from home. What happens from there is how much you are willing to put into something that could just be the "1st degree of attraction".
I found out that this guy is from Oklahoma and goes to college in Indiana. He is graduating this year.
...my point exactly.

I don't intend to make this a huge downer entry or whatever, but I just am still asking myself, when is it time to realize that it is more than just mere attraction? Or when is it appropriate to pursue a certain attraction? This I can't define.
Maybe it's just that gut feeling you get, even when the person doesn't take your breath away from one glance. I have luckily had that happen a few times. They, 9 times out of 10, end up being better than most of those knock-outs.

Over the "1st degree attraction," I would take the "2nd degree" attraction (or one based on more personality) attraction anyday. At this point, I think it's better to trust my gut over my eyes. Even those can deceive you, no matter what kind of vision you may have.

So I guess this means that the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach. :)

don't believe the truth - again.

Hmmm... so, where do I start this blog off?

I guess I can begin with my view on serious relationships. I value three things and always make sure they are present : communication, honesty, and trust. Although trust and honesty are pretty close to the same thing, I still like to state them as something different... to get my point across.

So, I had this boyfriend from home who was in every way perfect. He made me smile all of the time, I trusted him and, yes, (I can't believe I am saying this) loved him. I guess there are some things you can't deny. The time at home was amazing. We spent almost every day together and I tried my hardest to make up for the time lost from when I was away. I thought I was doing everything right. Every hug, kiss, and embrace made me know that he was definitely worth every thing. He had his flaws, some larger than others, but I overlooked them and focused on all that was good. I attempted to give him a wonderful birthday and Christmas (even though I ended up giving him his present late). He meant the world to me and while he was going through hard times, I tried my hardest to keep a smile on his face. Sure, I would get upset with him from time to time, but one look into those green eyes, and I couldn't help but grab his hand and forgive him.
I even thought about our future plans together - all of the things we would do during the summer, even on his next birthday (Dec 2007). It was then I realized just how fast and hard I had fallen. I rarely take that big of a step to think so far ahead about being with someone, but I had all of my confidence in what we had.

It was the evening of our 3 month, and I received some news. I was into my 2nd day at Sewanee, just settling back in for the new semester. Sadly, I had been slightly skeptical about his faithfulness (due to some recent conversations), and this fueled it even more. I was so upset that I couldn't think straight, and decided to wait it out until I could figure out if any of what was said was true. I had to keep calm, but I couldn't help but tremble the entire night. My roommate was shocked and one of my really good friends had to come over and keep me from losing it. Unable to keep my energy cooped up any longer, I pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt and ran my heart out in the 35 degree weather. The cold air didn't hurt near as bad as the sharp pain in my chest. I wished that it was as numb as my entire face, fingers, and legs. I had forgotten to use my inhaler before overloading my body with unfamiliar physical activity, so I ended up wheezing the rest of the night. Needless to say, I still haven't completely stopped. I don't even think the running is causing it anymore... just the constant tightening in my chest.
I missed two of his calls. I sometimes wonder if I could have even beared to hear the voice I once found comfort in.
Like my friend suggested, I waited until the next day to figure things out. I had talked to my boyfriend that morning and it ended with nothing figured out, but only frustration. I thought about him the entire day with a lump in my throat, and I figure he did the same. That afternoon, I received proof of the one thing I hoped wasn't true. Tears welled up in my eyes and my face became flushed as I read the text on the screen. My hands trembled as I scrolled down and clicked on each forwarded message. My stomach churned while I shook with a mix of anger and fear. My heart felt heavy and reluctant, but my conscience knew what I had to do.
I have rules. And as much as I wanted to break them, I knew there were no exceptions.
It would have been better if I had expressed it by phone, but I was afraid of crumbling when hearing his voice. I, with my tail between my legs, sent a short message ending the one thing I never wanted to.
Call me a wuss for not telling him vocally, but I am still so vulnerable. He called that evening, but I was out of the room, actually reasoning with his best friend on the phone. His friend tried to defend him and told me, for once, to not crawl into my hole like usual and actually give him another chance. I wanted to so badly. I was dying to feel his arms around me once again, but I was dying inside all at the same time.
I am still curious as to what he had to say. And I don't deny that I yearned to hear his voice, even if it was for the last time.
The one thing I ever wanted was the truth. All I wanted was some closure.

He continues to deny. And I continue to hurt.
He said he couldn't fight for something if I wouldn't fight for the same thing with him. But what is there to fight for? Maybe I am just tired of fighting in general.

This same guy once told me to have no regrets, for they only drag you down.
It's times like these where you know you can never ignore your regrets. Flaws, mistakes, and mostly regrets still do make who you are. I guess it's just accepting the ones you do have.

For now, I have a hole to find.