Hmmm... so, where do I start this blog off?
I guess I can begin with my view on serious relationships. I value three things and always make sure they are present : communication, honesty, and trust. Although trust and honesty are pretty close to the same thing, I still like to state them as something different... to get my point across.
So, I had this boyfriend from home who was in every way perfect. He made me smile all of the time, I trusted him and, yes, (I can't believe I am saying this) loved him. I guess there are some things you can't deny. The time at home was amazing. We spent almost every day together and I tried my hardest to make up for the time lost from when I was away. I thought I was doing everything right. Every hug, kiss, and embrace made me know that he was definitely worth every thing. He had his flaws, some larger than others, but I overlooked them and focused on all that was good. I attempted to give him a wonderful birthday and Christmas (even though I ended up giving him his present late). He meant the world to me and while he was going through hard times, I tried my hardest to keep a smile on his face. Sure, I would get upset with him from time to time, but one look into those green eyes, and I couldn't help but grab his hand and forgive him.
I even thought about our future plans together - all of the things we would do during the summer, even on his next birthday (Dec 2007). It was then I realized just how fast and hard I had fallen. I rarely take that big of a step to think so far ahead about being with someone, but I had all of my confidence in what we had.
It was the evening of our 3 month, and I received some news. I was into my 2nd day at Sewanee, just settling back in for the new semester. Sadly, I had been slightly skeptical about his faithfulness (due to some recent conversations), and this fueled it even more. I was so upset that I couldn't think straight, and decided to wait it out until I could figure out if any of what was said was true. I had to keep calm, but I couldn't help but tremble the entire night. My roommate was shocked and one of my really good friends had to come over and keep me from losing it. Unable to keep my energy cooped up any longer, I pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt and ran my heart out in the 35 degree weather. The cold air didn't hurt near as bad as the sharp pain in my chest. I wished that it was as numb as my entire face, fingers, and legs. I had forgotten to use my inhaler before overloading my body with unfamiliar physical activity, so I ended up wheezing the rest of the night. Needless to say, I still haven't completely stopped. I don't even think the running is causing it anymore... just the constant tightening in my chest.
I missed two of his calls. I sometimes wonder if I could have even beared to hear the voice I once found comfort in.
Like my friend suggested, I waited until the next day to figure things out. I had talked to my boyfriend that morning and it ended with nothing figured out, but only frustration. I thought about him the entire day with a lump in my throat, and I figure he did the same. That afternoon, I received proof of the one thing I hoped wasn't true. Tears welled up in my eyes and my face became flushed as I read the text on the screen. My hands trembled as I scrolled down and clicked on each forwarded message. My stomach churned while I shook with a mix of anger and fear. My heart felt heavy and reluctant, but my conscience knew what I had to do.
I have rules. And as much as I wanted to break them, I knew there were no exceptions.
It would have been better if I had expressed it by phone, but I was afraid of crumbling when hearing his voice. I, with my tail between my legs, sent a short message ending the one thing I never wanted to.
Call me a wuss for not telling him vocally, but I am still so vulnerable. He called that evening, but I was out of the room, actually reasoning with his best friend on the phone. His friend tried to defend him and told me, for once, to not crawl into my hole like usual and actually give him another chance. I wanted to so badly. I was dying to feel his arms around me once again, but I was dying inside all at the same time.
I am still curious as to what he had to say. And I don't deny that I yearned to hear his voice, even if it was for the last time.
The one thing I ever wanted was the truth. All I wanted was some closure.
He continues to deny. And I continue to hurt.
He said he couldn't fight for something if I wouldn't fight for the same thing with him. But what is there to fight for? Maybe I am just tired of fighting in general.
This same guy once told me to have no regrets, for they only drag you down.
It's times like these where you know you can never ignore your regrets. Flaws, mistakes, and mostly regrets still do make who you are. I guess it's just accepting the ones you do have.
For now, I have a hole to find.