So, here it is... the end.
The seniors at my college graduated today, and although the festivities of the past few days have been incredible (I only personally experienced one day, and that was nuts), I felt a huge lump in my throat as I looked at faces that I may never see again.
Especially those of my two best friends.
Even though I very well know that I will see them again, I guess their large lack of presence in the near future is what scares me the most. It is normally shocking in general for a college student to come home to a lot less freedom than usual, but it is even worse to not be able to have access to the friends that once surrounded you for months on end.
I do cherish my friends from home (don't get me wrong), it's just different. Very different.
As I looked at my past blogs, I noticed that I didn't give credit where it very well is due. There is a person that I met around this time just a year ago, and he has made a huge impact on my life. Not only have we been 'kind of dating' (it's complicated...) on and off since we met, he's been one of my best friends through it all. I always put him on the backburner when I found someone 'more interesting,' pushed him away when I probably needed him the most, and made a lot of mistakes that hurt both him and I. But although I gave him every reason to hate me and tell me to get the fuck out of his life, he always waited there with open arms. When I dated a guy from home for 3 months during first semester, he actively pursued me and told me how he actually felt. It was obvious that he missed me and, although I told myself it was wrong, I missed him just as much. I couldn't even wait a full week after the break-up to go back to him.
And even though he has never verbally told me much of his feelings, people who know him tell me again and again just how much he likes me. It's not even what he says, but how he says it.
After I made a decision that lead to one of the worst situations of my life, he still was there for me, even though he could have easily told me to get out. He talked it out with me and told me he could never ask me to leave. I figured I wouldn't even get more than eye contact of him after what happened, but he forgave me with so much more.
From that point, something in me told me that other guys really didn't matter, and that maybe this was exactly what I was looking for. A guy that you could do anything with - from hanging out and drinking to cuddling while watching a movie. Things have gone so smooth for us since, and we haven't argued one bit. The fact that we both knew we had to part ways soon pressured us to just give up on the drama and focus on the good things. And that was exactly what we did. Neither one of us felt compelled to find 'someone else,' because we were all that the other could handle.
And now, in 24 hours, he will be back in his home state, and I will be in class for an abroad trip that I am doing. I will still be on the mountain, knowing that, next semester, I won't be able to walk to his room and ultimately feel better upon just seeing his face. I won't be able to hide under his down comforter or in his arms when I am scared or upset. I won't be able to walk in to him banging away at his drumset on a Thursday Open Mic Night. I won't be able to find him in Skip's room, hanging out, where I can plop down beside him as he slyly sneaks his arm around me as the night unfolds. I won't be able to steal his wine and drink straight from the bottle while he just smiles at me. Man, how he smiles at me...
Throughout my days of adolescence, I have tried so hard to figure out what love is. Could this be? It seems that it being vocalized isn't even necessary (as crucial as that seems) for us; it's silently understood. Neither one of us have exchanged the three big words, and I don't know if we ever will. But I do feel that it's there, and that's the most important thing.
After this evening, I look forward to the next time our eyes meet again, because I don't know if how I feel for him will ever be rekindled in another. If so, it will still be very different.
Congratulations to the Class of 2007. May you all enter this 'real world' strong and succeed in several ways.
I love you all.
And most importantly, I love you, Nathan.