Tuesday, March 04, 2008

my conscience is mocking me

So, I looked over my last post (I seem to do that a lot), and I didn't realize how great I had it then.

Ever since really January, my life has slowly crumbled to the ground. My parents announced their seperation, which came as a surprise, but I somehow detected it from afar. Then, after that, my dad broke down and told me the details of their seperation. These details have changed the way I look at every single person, even those who I have known since the day I was born. My shakey trust issues are now completely collapsed, I have no faith in any of my relationships with people, and I seem to be even more indifferent about my grades.
I went to see the university counselor that I had seen last year, and I really felt no connection whatsoever. This coming from a psychology major, I can say that I haven't had any good experiences with therapy. They waste my time and I spend most of it trying to figure out how to say the most vague thing while still answering the questions. Maybe it's just the person, but I am completely unwilling to just spill it all out to them.

As for the guy who I was earlier contemplating about dating-wise, we are currently broken up. I just felt it unfair to keep something going that was so hard to do. The miles between us and just the pressure from trying to keep everything so serious wore us both down, and we mutually called it quits for a bit. But he still calls (more than he should). I think the worst thing about this is he is 'holding out' for me. I never completely promised us getting back together, but he is just sitting and waiting around for me. I also think it wouldn't be so bad if last weekend hadn't swept me off of my feet.
After this whole trust issues/parent issues/personal issues bullshit, I figured I would not want to date for a long, long time. Then, I met this guy who (at the moment is confusing the hell out of me) I actually FELT something for. It was unbelievable how my heart raced and I got all shakey and shy when he smiled at me and said hello. I hadn't felt like this in at least 2 years. I started thinking back about how my last boyfriend and I got together, and it was because I finally caved to his persistence. I never had the middle school crush symptoms like I do now.
I HELD HIS HAND. That's all I could think about when I awoke on Saturday morning. Most college students would find that completely unfulfilling, but for some reason, it was more than enough. However, even after he asked if I was going to a party that his fraternity was hosting the next night, when I got there, he said hello once, and pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night. I talked to other people, in hopes that he would come up and talk, but he stuck by the side of this one girl (ironically one of my sorority pledges). I finally let my emotions get the best of me, and I left. I couldn't watch as he walked around with some other girl and he hesistated to even look at me.
I explained what happened to my friends the next day, and I soon realized that I had only held a total of like 3 conversations with this guy. The girl he was dancing with he knew much better, and could have very well been just a friend. I still wish I could find a way to talk to him more, but I admit I can be decently intimidating (especially him being a freshman and I a junior). I don't want to be pushy or aggressive, but I don't want him to forget me. All of these thoughts are still overflowing my mind.
I must admit it is still nice to know that I can become infatuated with someone, even if nothing comes out of it. But, on the other hand, what does this mean about my ex 'holding out'?
He's been begging for me to come to see him over the break (which is in 2 days), but I am feeling more and more reluctant to do so. It feels so wrong to be thinking about one person so much, while leaving the other one waiting for you.
I will have to resolve this soon. And I believe it will not be especially pretty.


As for my family issues, I believe I will just try to avoid being at home. It reminds me too much of how much of a mess it is.