crossroads

I feel like I have been in a bad dream that I can't wake out of. While things were getting better for me and I felt like I had found things that made me happier than before, it is starting to make me notice more of the flaws from the past.
Is being with someone who is just like you in many senses a wonderful thing, or like looking into a mirror? At first, I found it to be the most exhilarating and amazing thing (as well as relieving) to be around, but as I rolled over on Sunday morning to see him and think about everything that has happened over the past month or so, I wonder if he is there to make me see just what I really look like. Broken, scared, indecisive yet impulsive, living in the moment yet stuck in the past... is that what I really am? While he has called me out on things that I am not proud of, I find that every one I cannot deny.

NO - I am not over it. I have shed more tears over my ex than I would ever care to, but I can't help it. My roommate says it's healthy to mourn over it, but when you can just feel him thinking about you as you're trying to go to bed at night, I think it's more than just mourning. It's missing... and I hate to say it, but I still do miss it. And the worst part is knowing that they miss it, too.
What do you expect? I put everything in for this one person and planned for everything we had discussed for the future, only to have him drop me for someone he barely knew. It leaves scars, and I know you can see them. However, if you think you are good at hiding your scars, you're not.

This guy is so self conscious, yet the coolest person ever. In social situations, he can approach any one and have a good time in any setting. However, when it comes to certain things, he has no confidence in himself whatsoever. I try to talk him up and show him just how much potential he has to do everything great, but after a while, this whole down-on-yourself thing is NOT sexy. I just want to grab his face and tell him to, for once, stop judging himself, man up, and kick ass.

I know I can be called hypocritical for complaining about his lack of self-confidence, but I do feel like we feed off of each other when it gets to those moments. It becomes this big whine-fest about who's heart has been stomped on more, who looks the worst, etc. At the end of the day, we've both been fucked over and we're both scared - and it's hindering us both from truly moving on in life. While misery does love company, I gotta get off that boat soon.

So, I guess I am contemplating waiting around to see if this mirror is going to make me eventually happy every time I look at it, or miserable. While I will wait for a while to see if my reflection becomes better over time, no one can wait forever.

are you happy?

While I truly believe that fighting for someone that you love is noble, sometimes you end up wondering why you even tried fighting so hard. 

Things seem to get lost in all of the pride that you swallow and there is no happiness left in what you do. As for now, I am ready to take that new road and do what I want for me.

I admit that I have not been the perfect lover... but mostly because I couldn't even be me anymore. I was unable to express what I had become, and that caused me to make plenty of mistakes. I wish I could say that I regret everything that I did within the last 8.5 months, but I have started to feel that what happened has made it more clear as to why things didn't work. All in all, I need to stop being scared of being alone and settling for something that isn't good enough. I am in no way saying that you aren't a good person, you just aren't for me.

I think the worst mistake I made was giving a second chance.

Word of the wise: do what makes you happy.

sometimes

Sometimes you have to fight for what you love.

breaking away

So, yesterday was the first day of class back from Spring Break. It was beyond surreal to be sitting in the classroom again, much less forcing my brain to function. I felt like I got absolutely nothing done that day, or today. I guess I can be proud of myself for actually pushing through Stats homework and finishing it. I despise Math.

Literally 5 weeks until I graduate. I feel like all of these potential future plans are floating around in my head and I just don't know what to do or where I am going to go. While I cannot plan my future around things that are not yet promised to me (grad school acceptance), I still feel like I am dangling in mid air with the plans that I could fall back on. The economy today sadly holds no promise of me getting a legit job. Perfect timing with the graduation...  :-/

I feel like I am being pulled into two, especially with the expectations of my parents. My mom is expecting me to get accepted to a school and/or get a job that I can support myself on, which might be harder than she thinks. On the other hand, my dad is moving to Hawaii since the divorce has almost gone through, and wants me to move with him. Sound like a fairy tale? Think twice. Hawaii (Honolulu, to be exact) is a HUGE tourist area that would offer me no real job positions, and the living costs there make me sick to my stomach. While I understand that my dad wants one of the kids to "take his side" and move along with him to give my mom the big 'F-you', I don't think it's in my best interest. The beach sounds wonderful, but who am I kidding? I would just be stalling AND burning a hole through my pocket. 

The last slight pressure is that my boyfriend of 3 months, whom is excited that I am moving back to around his area, is also expecting that we move in together. Once again, while this sounds like an amazing idea and I would be more than happy to do so, I know that my mom would definitely veto the idea, as well as know that it wouldn't be financially attainable at the moment. Why does it matter to my mom, you ask? Well, considering that she graciously volunteered to help pay for my living expenses for the first month or so, I think that my living arrangements do somewhat fall in her hands. So, the best that I can do for now is moving into the same town as my boyfriend, find an apartment with 2-3 other roommates that I can hopefully stand, make some money and wait until things are financially okay enough for him and I to live together. From the way things are going, we'll have all of the time in the world to live in the same space.  :)

Fortunately, that is about the only pressure that he has put on me. The distance sucks, but it is nothing like my last long-distance relationship. We have never really argued, respect each other's boundaries, and take one another's social lives into consideration. There is no pushing, shoving, or yelling. It is by far the best thing that I have ever been in, and I don't intend on calling it quits any time soon. Yet again, reading the past posts have shown quite a comparison of things with my last serious commitment versus this one. 

Oh, did I mention that it's our 3 month mark?? 

Feels like longer. 

Needless to say, I have fallen harder than a clumsy kid on an escalator. <3

a fresh start

So, it has definitely been a REALLLYYYYY long time since I have written on here. I suppose you could say that a lot has happened, but that would be a mere understatement. Since then, I have loved and lost, failed and succeeded, and learned so much because of it.

The first thing that I would like to proudly announce is that Chris and I are no longer. It has been about 4 months since we broke up and almost a month and a half since we have not exchanged a single word to one another. In all honesty, I think we are both better people for it. While I do believe we loved and cared for each other, our bad habits from past relationships lashed out so much that we definitely brought each other down more than up. It is obvious that we were both at fault - however, he didn't feel like faithfulness was as important of an issue as I did. 

Needless to say, I am relieved to be done with that whole ordeal.

... which leads me to my next point. While almost every post is about a new crush and whatnot, I am currently dating a guy that I have known since this past summer and I absolutely adore him. He is patient, understanding, smart, goofy, and (as a bonus) the tall, dark, and handsome type. I admit that we do have our differences, but he has always supported me through the hard times of my academic career, as well as personal life, and never gave up on me. I feel like I have become better each day just because he is in my life. 

I, at times, wonder how I ended up with someone so amazing, but I do vividly remember crying to my old friend about how I would never find a good guy - I guess I finally got what I asked for. Although my fear of love and (mostly) marriage still exists, I could sincerely say that I could learn to love him for a long time. I have sadly fallen pretty hard for him in such a short period of time, and he is so perfect that things do seem very unreal.

I guess I just expect something this great to blow up in my face, like it always does.

As for my life in the college world, I am almost graduated! It is so surreal knowing that only months lie between now and when I am done with my undergraduate career. While I admit that I will not miss the academic workload, I will completely miss the social aspect of it all. Sewanee is such a tight-knit community that, when you step into the real world, you are shocked just how much people don't know each other. However, I have found myself becoming bored or rather annoyed when I go to fraternity parties now. Even spending time at my sorority has become an unpleasant experience. I was talking to a fellow classmate on a long drive home, and we both admitted that the party scene has grown old to both of us. I suppose it is a good thing in the long run though - we can easily let it go when we leave. 

I wish I could expand on more aspects of my life at the moment, but I am utterly exhausted from the long trek back to campus. 

(I visited the boyfriend this weekend... it was glorious.)