fate

I made one of the best decisions yesterday... I am going back to school to get my Masters in Special Education.
Money means nothing to me now, just the future of these kids.


I never thought I would be this excited or motivated to start school again.

little things

sorting all the lights and darks,
making sure our love won't lose that spark.
you really didn't have to.

funny pictures that you take,
dinner out instead of shake and bake.
you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines,
filling our heads with dreams.
love is the little things.
love changes everything.

picking me up after work,
putting up with all my silly quirks.
you really didn't have to.

saying that my cooking is great,
while you try to hide a stomach ache.
you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines,
filling our heads with dreams.
love is the little things.
love changes everything.

unemployment blues

Being unemployed entails constant boredom. I have seriously picked up the sleeping habits of a cat, as well as not even been in normal clothing for the past few days. I feel like a complete slob.
Most of my friends claim that they are jealous that I don't have anything to do, but, to be honest, I am one of those people who feel worthless if they don't have things to do throughout the day. And man, do I feel worthless.
However, I have noticed that my spending habits have become the stingiest ever. It's like my mind instantly went into 'no-income mode'. I try not to drive anywhere unless I really have to, and have been living off of sandwiches and homemade meals. I ironically like this change, because I have missed the joys of cooking. I forgot what a big stress-reliever it is.
With all of this going on, I have continued to keep a good attitude. My theory is that if I apply to enough jobs in the area, someone will eventually have to get back to me... right? One thing I did enjoy about shortly working in that medical center was the atmosphere. I think that I want to work in a more clinical environment now. It seems more clean and just downright IMPORTANT... plus, who doesn't want to wear scrubs every day to work? Seriously.
That being said, I feel another siesta coming along. Will update if a job opportunity arises.

Also, considering grad school. Might be a good time to go back, considering the economy.

the definition of a douchebag and its counterpart: a personal term paper

So, I do not like to speak horribly of others, but there are two people who (unnamed, of course) I really need to let loose about. They deserve so much more than burning words, and I seriously hope karma comes and knocks their teeth out.

I started this new job that was going to help me become more financially stable, as well as start a completely new career. It was a shorter commute, full-time position, and plenty of potential to move up. However, things just didn't feel right. Maybe it was because the doctor who helped set up my job constantly texted me inappropriate things, such as questioning my sexual orientation, or asking about what characteristics I liked in a man. Maybe it was because he also texted me during the entirety of his family vacation with his WIFE and two KIDS. Maybe it was the $700 dinner that he insisted on as an 'initial interview'. Maybe it was because the bitch who calls herself a 'marketing director' was trying to find every reason not to hire me. So, after a whopping 7.5 days of working there (not including the weekend, of course), I was let go due to 'personality issues'. Another reason was that I 'did not take my job seriously' because I volunteered to be more versatile to help the office more. Let me get into more detail about these two wonderful people who contributed the most to my job experience.

Marketing Director/Bitch Extraordinaire
I clearly remember walking into her office for the first time to see her lift her head with a sour expression. She shook my hand, forcing what I assumed was a smile, only to sit back down promptly with her frown remaining, including the pouted lips. Her caked-on makeup, fried highlighted hair, and dried skin from constant tanning told of her many efforts to hide her very apparent age. She boldly stated the extreme importance of her position in the office, as if what she did involved saving lives. I remember her saying that she doesn't 'sugar-coat anything,' making sure that I got the obvious fact that she was a straight-up bitch. Too bad she was still attempting to sugar-coat her age.
After reiterating over and over again that she was top dog (as well as that she was the ONLY reason that the doctor could even function in the office), she stood up to show me around the office. Her too-tight and too-short dress still hung loose from her lacking bust area. The adolescent cork-heels she wore did nothing for her shapeless legs as she strutted around the office area. Her attempt to maintain polite was far from believable. I was not amused by her prententious actions.
Her facial expression and bitchy persona never changed much during my time working there. She made sure that she kept up a facade of being constantly busy as she mostly sat in her chair in her office, casually chatting away with particular favored co-workers. She repeatedly blinked her eyes for an annoyingly long period of time when she explained to me that she 'had no time for non-appointment representatives'. There was not once when I saw her doing anything productive, including what she claimed as 'observing me'. Psh... the only thing she observed was her constantly closed door, which fed into the perception that she was, in fact, doing SOMETHING.
I swear I almost saw her crack a genuine grin during my firing process, and that was about the only real part of her I experienced. At this point, she had forced the new office manager to do most of the firing, who had known me for all of 3 days. I felt sorry for the poor girl and her potentially short-lived future there. The 'I'm sorry' when walking me out was not necessary, unless she was seriously talking about herself. Yes, I agree; you really are one of the sorriest people I have ever encountered.


Dr. I. A. Douchebag
Now, as if I didn't express enough hate for the first person, this one REALLY takes the cake. His plastic smile and obvious dyed brown hair (just go with grey, seriously) were one of the first things I noticed about him when he walked into the exam room. Also, there was huge difference between how he looked in present day versus all of the pictures of him around his center, which had to have been about 15 years earlier. He spent more time blantantly hitting on me and asking me personal questions than explaining the diagnosis. During part of the 'interview process', which entailed him insisting on taking me out to a very nice restaurant, spending approximately $700 on the meal between the two of us, flashing me the bill to kindly ask me to 'make sure the tip was right', and then promising it wouldn't be the last time he took me there. BARF.
First of all, the fact that a man who could easily be my dad trying to turn an interview into a date is s-l-e-e-z-y. I am sure many of you are asking how on EARTH I even wanted to continue with this process. Unfortunately, I was starting to realize more and more that my current job at that time was not going to be able to support me financially. I was becoming desperate, and really had no choice but to humor this slimeball until I got a secure position at his center. However, as you have already noticed, he placed me in a more crappy financial position, considering I am now unemployed.
Still, before I was actually employed, this disgusting person who calls himself both a father and a husband continued to text me, questioning me about things going on in my personal life. Even while he was on a week's vacation with his family, he texted me every day. I even, at one point, told him that his questions and comments were not work related and inappropriate, and he just responded with, 'come on, we don't always have to discuss work'. Yes, if you are my boss, we do.
But here's the topper - AFTER I was fired, he had the nerve to text me and ask to see me in person to apologize, claiming that it was 'out of his control'. He also offered a referral to help with getting a new job. Learning my lesson about involving him with any type of future career, I agreed it would be best that he no longer contact me and leave me alone. Best decision I ever made.
It was a mere wonder that I did not tell him to just go fuck himself or any other crude comment of that nature. That was pretty much all I was thinking during the entirety of our text conversation (which also shows he couldn't even call... I am sure he was very sorry about this whole thing).

That kind of job experience just makes you wonder how many places there really are that are run just as terribly. This doctor has many patients, is considered well-known and good at what he does. But that leaves no excuse to have such a horrible staff.
Like doctor, like employee? Not me.

new new new

Sorry for not posting lately... ahh, life has been beyond busy.

I think the hardest part is figuring out where to start. Pulling from the first thing on my mind, is my living situation. I moved in with a new person a little over a month ago and have gotten along fairly well with him, but have realized that our lifestyles, as well as how we prioritize things, are completely different. I am 7 years younger than he is, and consider myself much more responsible. We recently had our AC unit clog and the upper level ceiling began to leak. I left for a week-long vacation soon after and assumed it would be taken care of by the time I got back. Hardly. I had to harass him every day about getting someone to take a look at it. Meanwhile, he continued to act like the fact that there was a hole in the ceiling and that our carpet was soaked was not a big issue. Come the day that he makes an appointment, it falls at 8 am on a Saturday, in which he is not even there. I suppose you can guess who had to wake up and answer the door, as well as pay the maintenance man. Along with just that instance, he goes out to bars almost every night of the week and comes back drunk late at night - and makes sure I know it. While I have tried to deal with this and tell myself that I can tolerate living with someone like him, I have given up on trying. I have already contacted a few people about a new place to live. Sighhh, moving again...

I looked over my recent posts and smiled about the one concerning my job. Mostly because I miss it in some instances. I started a new job this past Monday that pays twice the amount I used to make, requires a quarter of my old commute, and is a full-time position. Although it is always exciting to encounter new challenges, I get this feeling that I am not well-liked there. Unfortunately, the department where I work in the office is completely run by power-hungry and judgmental women. Every one there seems like they are playing out a nicer role than they really are, but even then you can feel the hostility seeping through their skin. I feel like I stick out due to being a genuine person (sad? very). I already hate the fact that money has already begun to rule my life.

Many people are already telling me that I am ungrateful for complaining about my new job due to all of the positives of it, but at least at my old job, you KNEW you were around real people, even if they were considered flawed. On a good note, I did get to go to Hawaii for a week to see my dad and unwind between jobs. It was amazing to be there and have no real agenda. I wish it wasn't so touristy, but this is Hawaii we're talking about. At least I got to achieve my dream of drinking in an infinity pool by the ocean with a connecting bar... heaven!

Oh, and before I forget (but oh, how could I??), my boy and I are still doing very well. It has been almost 6 months since the evening that we met, and things are as awesome as ever. While it is nowhere near perfect, I really don't have any complaints. There have been times where either one (or both) of our lives were stressful and made it more difficult to see one another, but we have always seemed to manage. When either one of us have an issue, we choose to address it immediately and maturely, and it has worked in our favor. I can honestly say that, for once, I am dating a true MAN, and what a difference it makes.

Enough of the update... it's so long, I don't blame you for not reading it.

Also, might be getting my wisdom teeth out soon?? Eeeeeeeeeep.

a different look on parenting

http://rr.com/news/topic/article/rr/10374903/14641032/Thank_God_My_Moms_Are_Lesbians


Just an interesting article to read... very well written.

i want to be special

So, while I know many of you enjoy reading about my romantic encounters, I would like to change the theme up a bit and talk about what I do other than fret over relationships. However, if you would really like to know, everything is great with the boy and I. Things really couldn't be better right now for us. 

As for changing the subject, I have started to realize that I haven't mentioned on here what I actually do for a living. For starters, I received my B.A. in Psychology with a focus in Child Development. Right now, I am a developmental therapist for children with special needs and absolutely love what I do. Kids are such a joy to work with and there is nothing more rewarding than seeing a child do something that he or she was not capable of doing before. You practically share a moment with the parent, and have never even come close to raising the child. It truly is magical. However, the pay and hours are limited due to the recent change in health care policies and how it is affecting my company. Most people have the opposite issue where they hate their job, but make decent money. It's funny how money really makes the world go 'round... 

In all seriousness, I have found through my job that special needs children are filled with so much love that it makes all of the difficulty of their setbacks worth it. While it can be frustrating not being able to verbally understand them, having to speak simply to communicate with them, or attempting to control their erratic behavior, I have discovered that they still have incredibly warm hearts, and are the most grateful group of people I know. Many people find them sad or easy to ridicule when they encounter a special needs child, but it takes more exposure to realize just how wonderful they have it. 

For example, while we all realize that they will not lead a 'normal' life by any means, it does not mean it isn't ideal in their eyes. In special education schools, they get to do fun activities, watch movies, play games, and go on field trips on almost a daily basis. Their every need is catered to and every child receives that special attention. When competing in sporting events or creativity contests, every child is praised for their accomplishments. Any effort the child makes is seen as a wonderful thing, and they all feel like winners. All of the people they regularly interact with are very courteous and nice to them, and make them feel great about being who they are.

In the real world, all of these things are expected to be done when we are very young, and at a certain point, are no longer praised for. Even if a person does something they could not do before, rarely is their achievement pointed out. There is a competition for everything, and only one person wins. People stereotype and judge one another constantly, as well as are exposed to unfriendly people in all kinds of situations. 

Special needs children do not criticize others, no matter what disability they may or may not have. Just waving to them can make them the happiest person throughout the day, and every bite of food or favorite crayon given to them is just as amazing as the last. These children make the best of everything they receive, no matter the circumstance. 

While I do know that there is a percentage of people who make fun and look down upon people with these kinds of disabilities, usually, the child is completely unaware and couldn't care less. I am aware of instances where physical altercations come from this prejudice of different people, but know that the next day, that person will not even care nor dwell on what happened like someone with a completely functional mind.  It is still not easy living an abnormal life like these children, but they do not know it any different and see things so much more positively than a person in normal society. Their stress levels stay at a minimum.

So, that being said, take a step back and don't find me heroic or admirable for doing what I do as a career, but find me lucky. These children were born with deep love in their hearts and not a care in the world, and I swear they are rubbing off on me. 

Parents, hug your child, no matter what condition they are in - and others - next time you see a special needs child, just give them a smile. You never know; it just might make their day. 

a feline hold of the main mouth muscle

So, although I did discuss this with my roommate tonight already, I still need to vent it out some more. 

I have been seeing the still-amazing (nothing's changed !! ?? !!) guy from the couple previous posts, and while he is absolutely perfect and the highlight of every day that I get to see him, I still feel like my walls are up. It's not that I want them there, it's more that there is something deep down that is preventing me from letting myself completely fall for him.

However, my past relationships haven't really helped me out in this department. My most recent long-term commitment ended with my significant other telling me that I was too 'clingy' and that he had found someone else more compatible. While I look back on it and realize that I may have been that way due to being scared of losing him and trying to save whatever was left, it still lingers with me.

A guy that I saw for a couple months previous to this one refused to commit and would ignore any notion brought up about it. I didn't feel like I was pushing the issue, but he continued to verbally state that the term 'relationship' was not going to come into play, which completely contradicted his actions. 

While I do understand that the guy I am seeing now is not at all like the previous two guys, it still scares me thinking about doing something to push him away. For example, he was telling one of my roommates one morning about how he had a dream about me, and then he woke up and it was a reality. My roommate responded with an 'awww', and I responded with, 'that was kind of corny'.  It was like for that split-second, the only reaction I could think of was to diffuse any situation that dealt with real emotion. In truth, I wish I could tell him how much I enjoy being around him, how much I look forward to seeing him every time I know we are going to see each other, and just how amazing he is in general. You could consider that sweet and appropriate to say, but keep in mind I have only been seeing him for about a month and I am terrified of doing anything wrong and messing this up. I have yet to date a guy where it is this easy just to be with him. For once, I don't have to try to be any one else, and I don't want to lose that. 

I believe that he is well aware that I still have my guard up and is willing to wait, but I have been on the other side of a similar situation, and not every one can wait forever. I just have so many things that I want to say to him when I am looking into his eyes in the morning when we wake up together, but the words have yet to come out. I keep second-guessing myself about a first-rate guy.

So, you can all say to 'man-up', 'grow some balls', (or any other term that refers to a guy grasping a hold of his masculinity) and just tell him, but it is so much easier suggested than done. For once, there is a guy I like so much that I can't even figure out how to express to him how I remotely feel. My roommate says that the opportunity will present itself soon enough, but a part of me feels that he might be waiting for me to make that move. I am the one really holding back, anyway. 

As for now, I will agree with James Earl Jones:

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot utter."

a familiar feeling

It feels so weird now not waking up to his blue eyes and smile. Every night without him I feel like something is missing. He has already started to consider my apartment his "second home". As much as I feel like I should be sick of him, I am definitely not. While we are still not labelled as an item, we have spent the last week and a half seeing each other everyday, and it has been wonderful. He really is all I am looking for and I could not be happier. 

As for other things, I feel like everyone is getting sick. The guy I am currently seeing may or may not have strep throat (dumb doctors didn't run a culture... UGH) and claims he might as well have a nail hammered in the side of his neck, one of my best friends from my hometown's father recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer, and one of my good friends in town has an enlarged liver which is causing severe pain in his stomach/ribs. I just don't understand how this is all happening at once. I feel like I am completely surrounded by pain... 

I honestly wish that I had more to say in this post, but I just want to wish good health to all of those in my life. I hate hearing about pain and suffering, and, while I am the QUEEN of being sick, I really do hate how miserable others are when they are going through it. 

So while I am incredibly content with my life right now (except for finding a FULL time job), I do wish well on others.

Take care of yourselves, every one.

sweet disposition

So, I have decided to raise my hands up and ask the rain to stop. I found that although you can wait out the downpour, sometimes if you just take matters into your own hands, the sun will come out to shine for you.

I have also figured out that fate is a very strong force. While my Valentine's Day consisted of having a nice dinner with my mother, it seems that something even more wonderful happened unbeknowst to me. My roommates, who date, were out at a local wine bar for their special night, and befriended their waiter in the process. Upon meeting him, they immediately mentioned me because they felt like we would get along well. When I returned to my apartment the next day, I was shocked to hear that they talked me up so much to this complete stranger, as well as told him that I would come out that Friday night with them to meet him at his work. While I am a person who is completely skeptical about set-ups (even if it IS my roommates), when Friday night rolled around, I found myself going to the bar anyway. I kept my guard up and had no expectations for the night. 

It was incredibly awkward at first, because I could tell he seemed uncomfortable being put on display for me. We exchanged a few words as he passed by during dinner, but didn't communicate much otherwise - but my roommates were determined to make a connection. My roommate talked him into coming out with us to another bar after his shift ended, and he agreed. Him and one of his friends followed us to another bar, and that's where the opportunity arose to have a real conversation. Before I knew it, we were both leaning over the bar table toward each other, talking over the loud music and almost ignoring the rest of our company. We had so much in common and enjoyed so many of the same things. He was incredibly intellectual, compelling, and oh, GORGEOUS. I felt myself becoming more and more nervous every time his powerful blue eyes looked in my direction. 

On our way out of the bar, he asked me for my number and if I would like to go rock climbing with him sometime. I, of course, agreed to both, not just before my roommate once again grasped the situation by the horns and invited him to our apartment. We exchanged glances and he smiled, and agreed once again. The night went by so quickly - filled with glasses of wine, casual conversation, and a game of truth or dare. While I admit I HATE this game, all four of us started to become more and more daring with our questions and propositions. Things became even more interesting when my roommate made this hellacious concoction for her boyfriend to drink as a dare (chili paste, peanut butter, banana, rum, vinegar). Our waiter friend stepped in before she handed the drink to her boyfriend and proposed that if he chugged half of this god-awful liquid, he could get a kiss from me. I was incredibly taken aback by how forward he was about it, but agreed to his proposition. After he choked down that horrible drink, he rinsed and wiped his mouth and looked at me for confirmation. The moment was just like a movie scene: he and I came toward each other to the middle of the living room, and he pulled my face forward with his hand on my chin, and kissed me like he wasn't going to live another day. At this moment, every one in the room disappeared. It was like time had stopped just for a second to let this event linger. It was magical.

As the night winded down, after more in-depth conversation and many wonderful kisses, it was apparent that he had drank too much to drive home. I offered either the couch or my bed, and he immediately chose to sleep in the bed with me. More kisses ensued and we fell asleep cuddling one another. I awoke to wondering if I had just had a crazy Disney dream of some sort, only to roll over to those deep blue eyes. We laid in bed, cuddling, and talking for hours before parting ways. He kissed me passionately good-bye, left, came back for his keys, and kissed me again, claiming that he may have forgotten them on purpose just to have more of me. He promised he would see me again. 

The next day, I received a message online from him asking how the rest of my day went, as well as expressing the desire to see me again. Since then, we have seen each other three times in the last week, and it has been absolutely amazing. We have the exact same humor, he has already introduced me to his friends, and grasps at any opportunity to see me (as well as kiss me). He is everything I have been looking for, and I feel like I am in a dream. I still get nervous when I know he is coming to see me, which is completely out of my character. We are taking things slow and he says I am well worth the wait. While this has seemed to happen so fast, it feels like I have already known him for a long time. I cannot wait to see him again, even after being with him last night and basically all day today. 

As for the other options, fate has started to do its job with them, as well. Wendy's decided someone else who was more email-saavy was better for him than I was, and took back all of the 'feelings' that he had before for me. McDonald's has yet to make a move, and I have started to see him more and more as a friend. There is a growing distance between us, mostly initiated by me. Bojangle's is still an amazing person, but also lives almost 80 miles away, and I realized that I cannot do another long distance relationship. He took it well, and we still keep in touch. Sometimes when you find something you really want, every thing else becomes extremely clear as to why they won't work. 

This is unlike anything I have been around before, and the feeling is so different. I have never been more content. So, as for now, I am still trying not to get ahead of myself as to what I have going for me, but I have a really, REALLY good feeling about this. 

:)

when it rains, it pours

First of all, I would like to say I appreciate all of the feedback from my last blog. I seriously have not gotten on here until today, and was very surprised to see the comments. It's good to know that every one shares some experiences with one another.

To update about the guy that I was recently seeing, we are no longer. I got tired of waiting, and maybe to some of you did not have enough guts to take a leap, but I did something incredibly stupid to get the point across that I could not wait any more. While I do consider myself a person who makes good decisions most of the time and thinks rationally, we all have our moments where we look back and say, "Why on EARTH did I do that??". I do realize now that him and I were like looking at a bad image in the mirror, but it does not change the fact that I feel horrible about it still. As much as I conveyed it to him, I do believe that he will never forgive me for it. Part of it is acceptable, but part of it is lack of maturity on his part. I do not like to talk bad about others, but it is just a mere observation that I have made within the last few months.

As to pertaining to the subject of this post, I have noticed that there is a trend with things coming in clumps. I consider myself single, and after two months of basically being on my own and focusing on myself and my job, I have been swarmed with many dating options within the last 3 weeks. While I do not say that I am complaining about the amount of interest (it's flattering!), I just wish that one person would come along at a time instead of all at once and make things incredibly confusing. I hate making decisions... I can barely decide where to go eat for lunch on most days. 

So, should I do Wendy's, McDonald's, or Bojangle's (yes, I eat fast food... I am no Bill Gates)? 

Wendy's is currently overseas on his way from Haiti to the Middle East. I was in a relationship with him approximately 4 years ago, and it ended due to him cheating on me. While I am not known for second chances, it has been a long time and I have felt like he has matured since joining his services. Over the span of those years, he has never lost his feelings for me and even drove for 10 hours last year just to see me during one of my breaks over college. The worst part was that I decided that I still had no feelings for him at that point, told him, and left him with another 10 hour drive back to think about it. Even after that, he was there for me for every phone call that I had about any troubles I had in my life. He was very blunt about how he felt with each situation and gave his complete honesty. He ended up seeing me that last two weekends he had before he shipped out, and I noticed that my feelings had changed. I do have 7 months to wait for him to return, but we keep in touch every day via email. I also promised him that I would give things another chance when he came back, but now I wonder where I will be when he gets off of that boat. Like Wendy's burgers, he has substance, satisfaction, but sometimes it's a lot to sink your teeth into. 

McDonald's is someone that I have been familiar with for a little a while. He is a mutual friend who lives in the area and someone that I see quite often. We keep in touch almost on  a daily basis, and have so much in common. He works in radio, has been completely comfortable with bringing me around his co-workers, and has even brought me into the studio late at night to let me watch him do voice tracks. He is sometimes hard to read, but extremely convenient. He has made it clear that there is interest there, but he is aware of the Wendy's situation, which has held him back from being forward at all. I enjoy spending time with him, but once again, it is something that I will not wait around on for too long. McDonald's is convenient, easy, but sometimes you are just not in the mood for it. 

As for Bojangle's, I have recently ran into him after 5 years. He was someone that I knew from high school and was incredibly out of my league then. He was the badass guy whose presence was felt when he walked into the room, yet was nice enough to talk to me on occasion. By the most random chance, I saw him while driving on the highway one day and made it a point to wave hysterically to him across lanes. We immediately got into touch and he insisted that we hang out with each other. He also admitted that he liked me back in high school, but, outside of his badass front, was too scared to ever say anything. He is secretly a romantic at heart, and is already set on making the night that we see each other perfect. He has asked about everything that I like/don't like and has made it a point to know everything about me even before we have seen each other. The 'date' is set two weekends from now and as much as I should have my guard up, I am anticipating it like crazy. I eat that romantic stuff up. Bojangle's is something that I recently starting eating again, and have found a great liking for it. If nothing else looks good, Bojangle's is my go-to place. 

Of course, with this whole 'Dear John' movie coming out, I expect people to want me to live unrealistically and hold it out for the guy on the boat, but keep in mind that I am still young and somewhat impulsive. 7 months is a long time and it's hard to keep promises at that point. I do not like breaking hearts, but I am a believer of things happening for a reason, and if something works out in a different direction, maybe it is supposed to happen.

As of now, I am still in limbo and kind of floating in the purgatory of relationships, but it is maybe best for now. But as I said, when it rains, it pours - and this also forces me to eventually make a decision. 

Man, do I hate decisions...