I have been seeing the still-amazing (nothing's changed !! ?? !!) guy from the couple previous posts, and while he is absolutely perfect and the highlight of every day that I get to see him, I still feel like my walls are up. It's not that I want them there, it's more that there is something deep down that is preventing me from letting myself completely fall for him.
However, my past relationships haven't really helped me out in this department. My most recent long-term commitment ended with my significant other telling me that I was too 'clingy' and that he had found someone else more compatible. While I look back on it and realize that I may have been that way due to being scared of losing him and trying to save whatever was left, it still lingers with me.
A guy that I saw for a couple months previous to this one refused to commit and would ignore any notion brought up about it. I didn't feel like I was pushing the issue, but he continued to verbally state that the term 'relationship' was not going to come into play, which completely contradicted his actions.
While I do understand that the guy I am seeing now is not at all like the previous two guys, it still scares me thinking about doing something to push him away. For example, he was telling one of my roommates one morning about how he had a dream about me, and then he woke up and it was a reality. My roommate responded with an 'awww', and I responded with, 'that was kind of corny'. It was like for that split-second, the only reaction I could think of was to diffuse any situation that dealt with real emotion. In truth, I wish I could tell him how much I enjoy being around him, how much I look forward to seeing him every time I know we are going to see each other, and just how amazing he is in general. You could consider that sweet and appropriate to say, but keep in mind I have only been seeing him for about a month and I am terrified of doing anything wrong and messing this up. I have yet to date a guy where it is this easy just to be with him. For once, I don't have to try to be any one else, and I don't want to lose that.
I believe that he is well aware that I still have my guard up and is willing to wait, but I have been on the other side of a similar situation, and not every one can wait forever. I just have so many things that I want to say to him when I am looking into his eyes in the morning when we wake up together, but the words have yet to come out. I keep second-guessing myself about a first-rate guy.
So, you can all say to 'man-up', 'grow some balls', (or any other term that refers to a guy grasping a hold of his masculinity) and just tell him, but it is so much easier suggested than done. For once, there is a guy I like so much that I can't even figure out how to express to him how I remotely feel. My roommate says that the opportunity will present itself soon enough, but a part of me feels that he might be waiting for me to make that move. I am the one really holding back, anyway.
As for now, I will agree with James Earl Jones:
"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot utter."