discouraged

I think I am going to withdraw from my grad school classes. I just got hit with a lot of things and I think taking on something that I don't even have my mind set on would be a bad idea.
It started with Friday, where I got a verbal warning from my supervisor. This has always been a problem for me and it always comes up anywhere I work. I was told that I come off rude to others (women, specifically), and that I needed to be nicer. Let me tell you about how I work:
I grew up with two brothers, had all guy friends throughout my life, and that's how I relate to people. I am upfront, blunt, and straight to the point. I do not relate to people in a fake way, and that may seem abrasive to the female race, but it's still ALL me.
Saturday, I was informed that my 6-month Great Dane puppy needs surgery due to a dislocated hip. Needless to say, I was crushed. A million thoughts were circling my head: How could I put my puppy through something like this? How can I pay for this? How am I going to have the time to tend to him after surgery (if it did happen)?
I became incredibly angry with my veterinarian due to the situation, and refused a referral to a surgeon. I just couldn't even deal with it. I called my mom bawling; all the while trying to navigate my way through snow covered roads. I was just as emotional when I broke the news to my boyfriend, who was basically a father figure to this animal. I eventually came to the conclusion that he did need to surgery if he were to resume a normal life, and have set up a consultation on Thursday morning with a surgeon.
THEN... today, this evening, more specifically - I got into a fight with my boyfriend. It was our last evening together before school started up for both of us and things got hectic. This whole holiday break had been bliss for us - until now.
I have to admit I was beyond on edge by the time all of this hit me, as well as having my first Masters class tomorrow. I became impatient with my boyfriend, was uncomfortable because my stomach hurt [I have been having several stomach problems for the past year], and was indecisive about our dinner plans. My boyfriend became frustrated with my impatience, called me out on it, and insulted me. After the past month of being incredibly patient and kind with his hospitalization and overall more pleasant during the break, I felt like he never recognized all the times I kept myself together. This did not make things better.
Now I am sitting here with a bottle of wine, a cigarette deep (I hadn't smoked in 5 months, mind you), wondering if I should even entertain the idea of school anymore. My head is not where it should be, and I am beyond discouraged. I could see myself putting all of these problems before school, and this would put me right where I was as an undergrad. If you didn't already know, I was below mediocre as an undergrad student... right at a 2.0 GPA. Call me a wuss or a cop-out, but I tend to be a lot harder on myself than most. There's no room to fuck up at this point.

Last day to withdraw is January 20th. I don't even know if I want to go to my first class tomorrow. I feel like I am way in over my head right now. Maybe right now isn't the time to go back to school.


What did I do to deserve all of this?

patience

So, I received a verbal warning from my new supervisor that I am not dealing well with my co-workers. My boyfriend claims it is because I do not have much patience for others. Let me break down this reasoning:
I have a perfect answer to those who ask how I have the patience to deal with special needs children. Why should people who do NOT do what they are capable of deserve any respect or patience from me, when these children do what they were told they were NOT capable of? Those children deserve my patience; normal people do not.

People who are lazy and unfocused take for granted all that they can do. They are scum... and I wish they could see what it is like to struggle with doing normal every day activities. People are so selfish and take everything for granted. I cannot wait to get out of what I am doing and back into the mental health (preferably special needs) field.

My classes for my Masters program start Wednesday. Thank GOD.

merry happy

Reviewing my past posts, I have noticed how negative I have been. I soon came to the realization that I do not want much to change for me this new year. I have a caring, awesome boyfriend, the dog I have always wanted, a good living/job situation, and not many bridges burned. I think I've done pretty well for myself at this point in my life.
I have also realized that I will never get to where I will follow through with infatuations. I stepped up to the plate and confronted the situation with the fact in mind that I have everything I want. At the end of the day, my boyfriend is still everything that I want. Not some fleeting, short moment of butterflies, but someone who will stick it out even when things aren't perfect.
I actually had time to sit down, talk, and spend quality time with my boyfriend for the holidays. Unfortunately, it was not in ideal circumstances (he was in the hospital), but it still gave us time to ourselves to just spend time together. Every spare moment I had, I was at his bedside, talking about everything that may or may not have needed to be discussed. It gave him and I a lot of time to reflect on things. It also gave him the chance to spend some of that time talking with his father, who came in every day. It was truly remarkable to see how different his dad was when he was in the hospital. I think it really made my boyfriend's week, even if he was cooped up in a hospital room.

I think I have really pulled a lot of positive outlook from all of this, strangely.

LIFE'S NOT ABOUT WHAT'S BETTER. It's about what you have.