As Told by Me

in remembrance

2011-11-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year ... where you are thankful for many things.

Six years ago, on Thanksgiving Day, a wonderful boy was taken from us. It's because of him I am every day thankful for my days here on Earth.

RIP Nathan Peeler.

can't wait to see you, but i will...

2011-08-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooo.

I am back from Hawaii... which was an interesting experience, to say the least. While all of my friends told me to constantly shut up about 'living in paradise', I do have to say it made me appreciate home a lot more. I definitely missed the southern hospitality of North Carolina, and since the Japanese culture runs rampant in Hawaii, I will have to say that people treat you MUCH differently there. Very rude, for the most part. Kind of disappointing for a place so beautiful. And, as assumed, the tourists infested the place to the point that some areas were tainted and unenjoyable.

However, it wasn't all bad. I made a good friend there and had some unforgettable experiences. A once in a lifetime moment, for sure.

But, I am back from all of my travels (for now - keep reading!) and am in my OWN bed, back in my home state, with my dog curled up on the floor in my room. Things couldn't be much better - until the boy comes home. I am actually flying out to Wyoming in late August to visit him and we are road tripping across the country together! I cannot wait to see him in person again.

With our case, unlike most, distance made the heart grow fonder. When I left for Hawaii, I got word from all of our mutual friends about how much he talked about missing me. It made my heart sink thinking about how it would be the 3 longest months until just the possibility of seeing him again. However, with the help of my dad's generosity, my boy was able to fly out to Hawaii for a week to see me. It was one of the most amazing weeks of my life. It was obvious how much he missed me, as he finally clarified all of the things I was uncertain about in our relationship.

He wanted things to work out, even after plainly stating before that he wasn't a 'long distance kind of guy' earlier. So, for the past 2 months, we've talked on the phone at least twice a day, and even though I don't get to see his smile and laugh, I still get to hear about his day and say goodnight. That's about the best I could ask for.

As for now, I am waiting for his return and figuring out what kind of job I want to dive back into in this city while still getting my Masters. I am thinking working for a doctor's office part-time again... who doesn't love wearing scrubs??

Anyhow, I should get off of here and start looking for office positions. Hope all is well on the other side. Ciao!

without you

2011-06-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Some people want diamond rings

Some people want everything

But everything means nothing

If I ain't got you.

a part of me

2011-05-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin.

... maybe that being outside of your comfort zone, even in paradise, can make things hard to enjoy.

I am leaving for Hawaii for 2 months in less than 24 hours. It happened so suddenly, as I lost my job due to me putting 'too much outside time' into my graduate school work. They needed someone as a drone for the full 40+ hours per week (which is what I was still doing).

Thinking that maybe it would be best for me not to stay stuck in Charlotte while my boyfriend was planning to leave on his out-West adventure, I talked to my father about living with him in Honolulu for the entirety of the summer. He agreed.

I planned on taking my pup with me, as he would be the only familiar thing to keep me sane. However, due to Hawaii's outrageous rabies laws, he would be quarantined for the entire stay. I pondered whether to just stay in Charlotte for the sake of my dog, but decided that Hawaii for a whole summer would be hard to pass up as well. Some call me selfish for placing my dog at a long term boarding place, but when it's a kickass farm in Virginia that is as much as my rent per month to board, I would say that isn't incredibly selfish.

So Jaxon is at doggy summer camp. I felt a huge wave of anxiety rush over me as my mother and I drove him up to the farm. The woman was not very personable people-wise, but she was definitely in touch with all of the dogs she had boarded there. I felt a little more relieved as I watched him play with another Dane, and he looked happy.

It also made things a lot easier to pack up and move around without him sniffing around in everything, but I still missed him, as much of a pain as that dog can be.

Then the boyfriend... ah yes, THE boyfriend.

If I could count the number of times I have cried myself to sleep within the last 6 months at the thought of losing him to the mountains of the west, or now through the realization that I will not see his face for at least 60 days - it would be a depressing number.

He was venting once again about his asshole father (once. again.) while driving me home last night, as well as his frustration about really not know enough about how to go about his legendary trip. And then he said it.

I mean, not word for word - but he said it.

He turned to me, looked me right in the eye, and said, "Man, I do not know what I am going to do without you. You're the only person who has really been there for me, and I just don't know what I am going to do."

I love you, too.

deterioration

2011-04-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

Once again, I have neglected to post in a while. I feel like I get caught up in a whirlwind of things and never have time to write about it. That's just life, unfortunately.

On a good note, I did decide to stick it out with school. I ended up surprising myself with how well I did at the beginning, but as my health deteriorated, so did my motivation to put time into my classes. My stomach issues increased and I continued to ignore them as I had in the past, but once I went to the emergency room from horrible stomach pain, I knew it was time to do something about it. They found that I had a hiatal hernia, which is when part of the upper stomach gets pushed through your diaphragm. Most people think that sounds horrible, but, in actuality, about 50% of adults have a hiatal hernia, but it's just not bad enough to really affect them.
...NOW I know why I never knew how to burp!
It explained why I was throwing up half my food at random times of the day, as well as the stomach pain. It was nice getting some clarification, but treatment would be nice. I am currently in the process of figuring out a treatment plan and hope to be on my way back to eating mac and cheese on a regular basis. Yessssssssss.

Concerning my Great Dane, he has been incredibly resilient considering his dislocated hip. He runs and jumps just like a regular puppy (except 3 times the size now), and rarely has episodes of pain in that leg. It doesn't seem to slow him down one bit. Man, how animals can cope with serious problems... I suppose humans somehow left that instinct behind.

And, of course, I can't forget the boyfriend. We've been good, spending less time together during our chaotic schedules, but still making time. However, he is going on a expedition this summer out West to go climbing for 3 months - roadtripping. It is going to kill me without him here. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. It will be tough not having him around, but I am prepared for whatever may happen. I know that we'll keep in touch, and I will be overjoyed for his return. As for now, I am living in the moment; loving him, and cherishing every minute. The fact of his departure has definitely caused some rifts, but I didn't expect any less.
It doesn't make him a bad person or selfish for going. In fact, I think this will be one of the best things for him right now. He will have time to do the thing he loves (rock climbing), and time to himself to just figure out his life. This would make things a lot more stable when he returns.
I can't wait to see the pictures.

I also went up to Sewanee this past weekend (along with wrecking my car - what is it with all of the hydroplaning???). It was great to see all of my friends, but I just felt... out of place. There were so many people I didn't know, and the vibe was unfitting. I couldn't hang with my old classmates as they chugged straight liquor at 10 am. I sat quietly in the corner, sipping my coffee. "What's in your coffee?", they'd ask. "Coffee", I'd reply. It was like I was an alien drinking something non-alcoholic. I would joke and use my rebuttle as "I'm just old!", but in retrospect, I kind of was. My goal was to make it alive through the day, and not get so drunk that I couldn't remember. I spent the whole weekend fretting over my car damages, how much sleep I hadn't gotten, and how miserable the drive would be going home. I am so old.
But it gave me perspective on how I had changed. Sure, I stressed a lot more, but I seemed a little more true to who I was and tons more responsible. I took keys from my friends who were stumbling toward their cars, drove people around who couldn't, and took care of my friends who got sick. While it isn't par with the glamorous lifestyle of rock-star Sewanee, I really would be disappointed in myself if I acted otherwise.
It's never fun being the adult, but it is worse if you never get there.

Exhausted. Work is slow... I'm spent.

discouraged

2011-01-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

I think I am going to withdraw from my grad school classes. I just got hit with a lot of things and I think taking on something that I don't even have my mind set on would be a bad idea.
It started with Friday, where I got a verbal warning from my supervisor. This has always been a problem for me and it always comes up anywhere I work. I was told that I come off rude to others (women, specifically), and that I needed to be nicer. Let me tell you about how I work:
I grew up with two brothers, had all guy friends throughout my life, and that's how I relate to people. I am upfront, blunt, and straight to the point. I do not relate to people in a fake way, and that may seem abrasive to the female race, but it's still ALL me.
Saturday, I was informed that my 6-month Great Dane puppy needs surgery due to a dislocated hip. Needless to say, I was crushed. A million thoughts were circling my head: How could I put my puppy through something like this? How can I pay for this? How am I going to have the time to tend to him after surgery (if it did happen)?
I became incredibly angry with my veterinarian due to the situation, and refused a referral to a surgeon. I just couldn't even deal with it. I called my mom bawling; all the while trying to navigate my way through snow covered roads. I was just as emotional when I broke the news to my boyfriend, who was basically a father figure to this animal. I eventually came to the conclusion that he did need to surgery if he were to resume a normal life, and have set up a consultation on Thursday morning with a surgeon.
THEN... today, this evening, more specifically - I got into a fight with my boyfriend. It was our last evening together before school started up for both of us and things got hectic. This whole holiday break had been bliss for us - until now.
I have to admit I was beyond on edge by the time all of this hit me, as well as having my first Masters class tomorrow. I became impatient with my boyfriend, was uncomfortable because my stomach hurt [I have been having several stomach problems for the past year], and was indecisive about our dinner plans. My boyfriend became frustrated with my impatience, called me out on it, and insulted me. After the past month of being incredibly patient and kind with his hospitalization and overall more pleasant during the break, I felt like he never recognized all the times I kept myself together. This did not make things better.
Now I am sitting here with a bottle of wine, a cigarette deep (I hadn't smoked in 5 months, mind you), wondering if I should even entertain the idea of school anymore. My head is not where it should be, and I am beyond discouraged. I could see myself putting all of these problems before school, and this would put me right where I was as an undergrad. If you didn't already know, I was below mediocre as an undergrad student... right at a 2.0 GPA. Call me a wuss or a cop-out, but I tend to be a lot harder on myself than most. There's no room to fuck up at this point.

Last day to withdraw is January 20th. I don't even know if I want to go to my first class tomorrow. I feel like I am way in over my head right now. Maybe right now isn't the time to go back to school.

What did I do to deserve all of this?

patience

2011-01-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

So, I received a verbal warning from my new supervisor that I am not dealing well with my co-workers. My boyfriend claims it is because I do not have much patience for others. Let me break down this reasoning:
I have a perfect answer to those who ask how I have the patience to deal with special needs children. Why should people who do NOT do what they are capable of deserve any respect or patience from me, when these children do what they were told they were NOT capable of? Those children deserve my patience; normal people do not.

People who are lazy and unfocused take for granted all that they can do. They are scum... and I wish they could see what it is like to struggle with doing normal every day activities. People are so selfish and take everything for granted. I cannot wait to get out of what I am doing and back into the mental health (preferably special needs) field.

My classes for my Masters program start Wednesday. Thank GOD.

merry happy

2011-01-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

Reviewing my past posts, I have noticed how negative I have been. I soon came to the realization that I do not want much to change for me this new year. I have a caring, awesome boyfriend, the dog I have always wanted, a good living/job situation, and not many bridges burned. I think I've done pretty well for myself at this point in my life.
I have also realized that I will never get to where I will follow through with infatuations. I stepped up to the plate and confronted the situation with the fact in mind that I have everything I want. At the end of the day, my boyfriend is still everything that I want. Not some fleeting, short moment of butterflies, but someone who will stick it out even when things aren't perfect.
I actually had time to sit down, talk, and spend quality time with my boyfriend for the holidays. Unfortunately, it was not in ideal circumstances (he was in the hospital), but it still gave us time to ourselves to just spend time together. Every spare moment I had, I was at his bedside, talking about everything that may or may not have needed to be discussed. It gave him and I a lot of time to reflect on things. It also gave him the chance to spend some of that time talking with his father, who came in every day. It was truly remarkable to see how different his dad was when he was in the hospital. I think it really made my boyfriend's week, even if he was cooped up in a hospital room.

I think I have really pulled a lot of positive outlook from all of this, strangely.

LIFE'S NOT ABOUT WHAT'S BETTER. It's about what you have.

fate

2010-09-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

I made one of the best decisions yesterday... I am going back to school to get my Masters in Special Education.
Money means nothing to me now, just the future of these kids.

I never thought I would be this excited or motivated to start school again.

little things

2010-08-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

sorting all the lights and darks,
making sure our love won't lose that spark.
you really didn't have to.

funny pictures that you take,
dinner out instead of shake and bake.
you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines,
filling our heads with dreams.
love is the little things.
love changes everything.

picking me up after work,
putting up with all my silly quirks.
you really didn't have to.

saying that my cooking is great,
while you try to hide a stomach ache.
you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines,
filling our heads with dreams.
love is the little things.
love changes everything.

unemployment blues

2010-08-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

Being unemployed entails constant boredom. I have seriously picked up the sleeping habits of a cat, as well as not even been in normal clothing for the past few days. I feel like a complete slob.
Most of my friends claim that they are jealous that I don't have anything to do, but, to be honest, I am one of those people who feel worthless if they don't have things to do throughout the day. And man, do I feel worthless.
However, I have noticed that my spending habits have become the stingiest ever. It's like my mind instantly went into 'no-income mode'. I try not to drive anywhere unless I really have to, and have been living off of sandwiches and homemade meals. I ironically like this change, because I have missed the joys of cooking. I forgot what a big stress-reliever it is.
With all of this going on, I have continued to keep a good attitude. My theory is that if I apply to enough jobs in the area, someone will eventually have to get back to me... right? One thing I did enjoy about shortly working in that medical center was the atmosphere. I think that I want to work in a more clinical environment now. It seems more clean and just downright IMPORTANT... plus, who doesn't want to wear scrubs every day to work? Seriously.
That being said, I feel another siesta coming along. Will update if a job opportunity arises.

Also, considering grad school. Might be a good time to go back, considering the economy.

the definition of a douchebag and its counterpart: a personal term paper

2010-08-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

So, I do not like to speak horribly of others, but there are two people who (unnamed, of course) I really need to let loose about. They deserve so much more than burning words, and I seriously hope karma comes and knocks their teeth out.

I started this new job that was going to help me become more financially stable, as well as start a completely new career. It was a shorter commute, full-time position, and plenty of potential to move up. However, things just didn't feel right. Maybe it was because the doctor who helped set up my job constantly texted me inappropriate things, such as questioning my sexual orientation, or asking about what characteristics I liked in a man. Maybe it was because he also texted me during the entirety of his family vacation with his WIFE and two KIDS. Maybe it was the $700 dinner that he insisted on as an 'initial interview'. Maybe it was because the bitch who calls herself a 'marketing director' was trying to find every reason not to hire me. So, after a whopping 7.5 days of working there (not including the weekend, of course), I was let go due to 'personality issues'. Another reason was that I 'did not take my job seriously' because I volunteered to be more versatile to help the office more. Let me get into more detail about these two wonderful people who contributed the most to my job experience.

Marketing Director/Bitch Extraordinaire
I clearly remember walking into her office for the first time to see her lift her head with a sour expression. She shook my hand, forcing what I assumed was a smile, only to sit back down promptly with her frown remaining, including the pouted lips. Her caked-on makeup, fried highlighted hair, and dried skin from constant tanning told of her many efforts to hide her very apparent age. She boldly stated the extreme importance of her position in the office, as if what she did involved saving lives. I remember her saying that she doesn't 'sugar-coat anything,' making sure that I got the obvious fact that she was a straight-up bitch. Too bad she was still attempting to sugar-coat her age.
After reiterating over and over again that she was top dog (as well as that she was the ONLY reason that the doctor could even function in the office), she stood up to show me around the office. Her too-tight and too-short dress still hung loose from her lacking bust area. The adolescent cork-heels she wore did nothing for her shapeless legs as she strutted around the office area. Her attempt to maintain polite was far from believable. I was not amused by her prententious actions.
Her facial expression and bitchy persona never changed much during my time working there. She made sure that she kept up a facade of being constantly busy as she mostly sat in her chair in her office, casually chatting away with particular favored co-workers. She repeatedly blinked her eyes for an annoyingly long period of time when she explained to me that she 'had no time for non-appointment representatives'. There was not once when I saw her doing anything productive, including what she claimed as 'observing me'. Psh... the only thing she observed was her constantly closed door, which fed into the perception that she was, in fact, doing SOMETHING.
I swear I almost saw her crack a genuine grin during my firing process, and that was about the only real part of her I experienced. At this point, she had forced the new office manager to do most of the firing, who had known me for all of 3 days. I felt sorry for the poor girl and her potentially short-lived future there. The 'I'm sorry' when walking me out was not necessary, unless she was seriously talking about herself. Yes, I agree; you really are one of the sorriest people I have ever encountered.

Dr. I. A. Douchebag
Now, as if I didn't express enough hate for the first person, this one REALLY takes the cake. His plastic smile and obvious dyed brown hair (just go with grey, seriously) were one of the first things I noticed about him when he walked into the exam room. Also, there was huge difference between how he looked in present day versus all of the pictures of him around his center, which had to have been about 15 years earlier. He spent more time blantantly hitting on me and asking me personal questions than explaining the diagnosis. During part of the 'interview process', which entailed him insisting on taking me out to a very nice restaurant, spending approximately $700 on the meal between the two of us, flashing me the bill to kindly ask me to 'make sure the tip was right', and then promising it wouldn't be the last time he took me there. BARF.
First of all, the fact that a man who could easily be my dad trying to turn an interview into a date is s-l-e-e-z-y. I am sure many of you are asking how on EARTH I even wanted to continue with this process. Unfortunately, I was starting to realize more and more that my current job at that time was not going to be able to support me financially. I was becoming desperate, and really had no choice but to humor this slimeball until I got a secure position at his center. However, as you have already noticed, he placed me in a more crappy financial position, considering I am now unemployed.
Still, before I was actually employed, this disgusting person who calls himself both a father and a husband continued to text me, questioning me about things going on in my personal life. Even while he was on a week's vacation with his family, he texted me every day. I even, at one point, told him that his questions and comments were not work related and inappropriate, and he just responded with, 'come on, we don't always have to discuss work'. Yes, if you are my boss, we do.
But here's the topper - AFTER I was fired, he had the nerve to text me and ask to see me in person to apologize, claiming that it was 'out of his control'. He also offered a referral to help with getting a new job. Learning my lesson about involving him with any type of future career, I agreed it would be best that he no longer contact me and leave me alone. Best decision I ever made.
It was a mere wonder that I did not tell him to just go fuck himself or any other crude comment of that nature. That was pretty much all I was thinking during the entirety of our text conversation (which also shows he couldn't even call... I am sure he was very sorry about this whole thing).

That kind of job experience just makes you wonder how many places there really are that are run just as terribly. This doctor has many patients, is considered well-known and good at what he does. But that leaves no excuse to have such a horrible staff.
Like doctor, like employee? Not me.

new new new

2010-08-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting lately... ahh, life has been beyond busy.

I think the hardest part is figuring out where to start. Pulling from the first thing on my mind, is my living situation. I moved in with a new person a little over a month ago and have gotten along fairly well with him, but have realized that our lifestyles, as well as how we prioritize things, are completely different. I am 7 years younger than he is, and consider myself much more responsible. We recently had our AC unit clog and the upper level ceiling began to leak. I left for a week-long vacation soon after and assumed it would be taken care of by the time I got back. Hardly. I had to harass him every day about getting someone to take a look at it. Meanwhile, he continued to act like the fact that there was a hole in the ceiling and that our carpet was soaked was not a big issue. Come the day that he makes an appointment, it falls at 8 am on a Saturday, in which he is not even there. I suppose you can guess who had to wake up and answer the door, as well as pay the maintenance man. Along with just that instance, he goes out to bars almost every night of the week and comes back drunk late at night - and makes sure I know it. While I have tried to deal with this and tell myself that I can tolerate living with someone like him, I have given up on trying. I have already contacted a few people about a new place to live. Sighhh, moving again...

I looked over my recent posts and smiled about the one concerning my job. Mostly because I miss it in some instances. I started a new job this past Monday that pays twice the amount I used to make, requires a quarter of my old commute, and is a full-time position. Although it is always exciting to encounter new challenges, I get this feeling that I am not well-liked there. Unfortunately, the department where I work in the office is completely run by power-hungry and judgmental women. Every one there seems like they are playing out a nicer role than they really are, but even then you can feel the hostility seeping through their skin. I feel like I stick out due to being a genuine person (sad? very). I already hate the fact that money has already begun to rule my life.

Many people are already telling me that I am ungrateful for complaining about my new job due to all of the positives of it, but at least at my old job, you KNEW you were around real people, even if they were considered flawed. On a good note, I did get to go to Hawaii for a week to see my dad and unwind between jobs. It was amazing to be there and have no real agenda. I wish it wasn't so touristy, but this is Hawaii we're talking about. At least I got to achieve my dream of drinking in an infinity pool by the ocean with a connecting bar... heaven!

Oh, and before I forget (but oh, how could I??), my boy and I are still doing very well. It has been almost 6 months since the evening that we met, and things are as awesome as ever. While it is nowhere near perfect, I really don't have any complaints. There have been times where either one (or both) of our lives were stressful and made it more difficult to see one another, but we have always seemed to manage. When either one of us have an issue, we choose to address it immediately and maturely, and it has worked in our favor. I can honestly say that, for once, I am dating a true MAN, and what a difference it makes.

Enough of the update... it's so long, I don't blame you for not reading it.

Also, might be getting my wisdom teeth out soon?? Eeeeeeeeeep.

a different look on parenting

2010-06-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

http://rr.com/news/topic/article/rr/10374903/14641032/Thank_God_My_Moms_Are_Lesbians

Just an interesting article to read... very well written.

i want to be special

2010-04-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, while I know many of you enjoy reading about my romantic encounters, I would like to change the theme up a bit and talk about what I do other than fret over relationships. However, if you would really like to know, everything is great with the boy and I. Things really couldn't be better right now for us.

As for changing the subject, I have started to realize that I haven't mentioned on here what I actually do for a living. For starters, I received my B.A. in Psychology with a focus in Child Development. Right now, I am a developmental therapist for children with special needs and absolutely love what I do. Kids are such a joy to work with and there is nothing more rewarding than seeing a child do something that he or she was not capable of doing before. You practically share a moment with the parent, and have never even come close to raising the child. It truly is magical. However, the pay and hours are limited due to the recent change in health care policies and how it is affecting my company. Most people have the opposite issue where they hate their job, but make decent money. It's funny how money really makes the world go 'round...

In all seriousness, I have found through my job that special needs children are filled with so much love that it makes all of the difficulty of their setbacks worth it. While it can be frustrating not being able to verbally understand them, having to speak simply to communicate with them, or attempting to control their erratic behavior, I have discovered that they still have incredibly warm hearts, and are the most grateful group of people I know. Many people find them sad or easy to ridicule when they encounter a special needs child, but it takes more exposure to realize just how wonderful they have it.

For example, while we all realize that they will not lead a 'normal' life by any means, it does not mean it isn't ideal in their eyes. In special education schools, they get to do fun activities, watch movies, play games, and go on field trips on almost a daily basis. Their every need is catered to and every child receives that special attention. When competing in sporting events or creativity contests, every child is praised for their accomplishments. Any effort the child makes is seen as a wonderful thing, and they all feel like winners. All of the people they regularly interact with are very courteous and nice to them, and make them feel great about being who they are.

In the real world, all of these things are expected to be done when we are very young, and at a certain point, are no longer praised for. Even if a person does something they could not do before, rarely is their achievement pointed out. There is a competition for everything, and only one person wins. People stereotype and judge one another constantly, as well as are exposed to unfriendly people in all kinds of situations.

Special needs children do not criticize others, no matter what disability they may or may not have. Just waving to them can make them the happiest person throughout the day, and every bite of food or favorite crayon given to them is just as amazing as the last. These children make the best of everything they receive, no matter the circumstance.

While I do know that there is a percentage of people who make fun and look down upon people with these kinds of disabilities, usually, the child is completely unaware and couldn't care less. I am aware of instances where physical altercations come from this prejudice of different people, but know that the next day, that person will not even care nor dwell on what happened like someone with a completely functional mind. It is still not easy living an abnormal life like these children, but they do not know it any different and see things so much more positively than a person in normal society. Their stress levels stay at a minimum.

So, that being said, take a step back and don't find me heroic or admirable for doing what I do as a career, but find me lucky. These children were born with deep love in their hearts and not a care in the world, and I swear they are rubbing off on me.

Parents, hug your child, no matter what condition they are in - and others - next time you see a special needs child, just give them a smile. You never know; it just might make their day.

a feline hold of the main mouth muscle

2010-03-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

So, although I did discuss this with my roommate tonight already, I still need to vent it out some more.

I have been seeing the still-amazing (nothing's changed !! ?? !!) guy from the couple previous posts, and while he is absolutely perfect and the highlight of every day that I get to see him, I still feel like my walls are up. It's not that I want them there, it's more that there is something deep down that is preventing me from letting myself completely fall for him.

However, my past relationships haven't really helped me out in this department. My most recent long-term commitment ended with my significant other telling me that I was too 'clingy' and that he had found someone else more compatible. While I look back on it and realize that I may have been that way due to being scared of losing him and trying to save whatever was left, it still lingers with me.

A guy that I saw for a couple months previous to this one refused to commit and would ignore any notion brought up about it. I didn't feel like I was pushing the issue, but he continued to verbally state that the term 'relationship' was not going to come into play, which completely contradicted his actions.

While I do understand that the guy I am seeing now is not at all like the previous two guys, it still scares me thinking about doing something to push him away. For example, he was telling one of my roommates one morning about how he had a dream about me, and then he woke up and it was a reality. My roommate responded with an 'awww', and I responded with, 'that was kind of corny'. It was like for that split-second, the only reaction I could think of was to diffuse any situation that dealt with real emotion. In truth, I wish I could tell him how much I enjoy being around him, how much I look forward to seeing him every time I know we are going to see each other, and just how amazing he is in general. You could consider that sweet and appropriate to say, but keep in mind I have only been seeing him for about a month and I am terrified of doing anything wrong and messing this up. I have yet to date a guy where it is this easy just to be with him. For once, I don't have to try to be any one else, and I don't want to lose that.

I believe that he is well aware that I still have my guard up and is willing to wait, but I have been on the other side of a similar situation, and not every one can wait forever. I just have so many things that I want to say to him when I am looking into his eyes in the morning when we wake up together, but the words have yet to come out. I keep second-guessing myself about a first-rate guy.

So, you can all say to 'man-up', 'grow some balls', (or any other term that refers to a guy grasping a hold of his masculinity) and just tell him, but it is so much easier suggested than done. For once, there is a guy I like so much that I can't even figure out how to express to him how I remotely feel. My roommate says that the opportunity will present itself soon enough, but a part of me feels that he might be waiting for me to make that move. I am the one really holding back, anyway.

As for now, I will agree with James Earl Jones:

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot utter."

a familiar feeling

2010-03-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

It feels so weird now not waking up to his blue eyes and smile. Every night without him I feel like something is missing. He has already started to consider my apartment his "second home". As much as I feel like I should be sick of him, I am definitely not. While we are still not labelled as an item, we have spent the last week and a half seeing each other everyday, and it has been wonderful. He really is all I am looking for and I could not be happier.

As for other things, I feel like everyone is getting sick. The guy I am currently seeing may or may not have strep throat (dumb doctors didn't run a culture... UGH) and claims he might as well have a nail hammered in the side of his neck, one of my best friends from my hometown's father recently got diagnosed with prostate cancer, and one of my good friends in town has an enlarged liver which is causing severe pain in his stomach/ribs. I just don't understand how this is all happening at once. I feel like I am completely surrounded by pain...

I honestly wish that I had more to say in this post, but I just want to wish good health to all of those in my life. I hate hearing about pain and suffering, and, while I am the QUEEN of being sick, I really do hate how miserable others are when they are going through it.

So while I am incredibly content with my life right now (except for finding a FULL time job), I do wish well on others.

Take care of yourselves, every one.

sweet disposition

2010-02-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

So, I have decided to raise my hands up and ask the rain to stop. I found that although you can wait out the downpour, sometimes if you just take matters into your own hands, the sun will come out to shine for you.

I have also figured out that fate is a very strong force. While my Valentine's Day consisted of having a nice dinner with my mother, it seems that something even more wonderful happened unbeknowst to me. My roommates, who date, were out at a local wine bar for their special night, and befriended their waiter in the process. Upon meeting him, they immediately mentioned me because they felt like we would get along well. When I returned to my apartment the next day, I was shocked to hear that they talked me up so much to this complete stranger, as well as told him that I would come out that Friday night with them to meet him at his work. While I am a person who is completely skeptical about set-ups (even if it IS my roommates), when Friday night rolled around, I found myself going to the bar anyway. I kept my guard up and had no expectations for the night.

It was incredibly awkward at first, because I could tell he seemed uncomfortable being put on display for me. We exchanged a few words as he passed by during dinner, but didn't communicate much otherwise - but my roommates were determined to make a connection. My roommate talked him into coming out with us to another bar after his shift ended, and he agreed. Him and one of his friends followed us to another bar, and that's where the opportunity arose to have a real conversation. Before I knew it, we were both leaning over the bar table toward each other, talking over the loud music and almost ignoring the rest of our company. We had so much in common and enjoyed so many of the same things. He was incredibly intellectual, compelling, and oh, GORGEOUS. I felt myself becoming more and more nervous every time his powerful blue eyes looked in my direction.

On our way out of the bar, he asked me for my number and if I would like to go rock climbing with him sometime. I, of course, agreed to both, not just before my roommate once again grasped the situation by the horns and invited him to our apartment. We exchanged glances and he smiled, and agreed once again. The night went by so quickly - filled with glasses of wine, casual conversation, and a game of truth or dare. While I admit I HATE this game, all four of us started to become more and more daring with our questions and propositions. Things became even more interesting when my roommate made this hellacious concoction for her boyfriend to drink as a dare (chili paste, peanut butter, banana, rum, vinegar). Our waiter friend stepped in before she handed the drink to her boyfriend and proposed that if he chugged half of this god-awful liquid, he could get a kiss from me. I was incredibly taken aback by how forward he was about it, but agreed to his proposition. After he choked down that horrible drink, he rinsed and wiped his mouth and looked at me for confirmation. The moment was just like a movie scene: he and I came toward each other to the middle of the living room, and he pulled my face forward with his hand on my chin, and kissed me like he wasn't going to live another day. At this moment, every one in the room disappeared. It was like time had stopped just for a second to let this event linger. It was magical.

As the night winded down, after more in-depth conversation and many wonderful kisses, it was apparent that he had drank too much to drive home. I offered either the couch or my bed, and he immediately chose to sleep in the bed with me. More kisses ensued and we fell asleep cuddling one another. I awoke to wondering if I had just had a crazy Disney dream of some sort, only to roll over to those deep blue eyes. We laid in bed, cuddling, and talking for hours before parting ways. He kissed me passionately good-bye, left, came back for his keys, and kissed me again, claiming that he may have forgotten them on purpose just to have more of me. He promised he would see me again.

The next day, I received a message online from him asking how the rest of my day went, as well as expressing the desire to see me again. Since then, we have seen each other three times in the last week, and it has been absolutely amazing. We have the exact same humor, he has already introduced me to his friends, and grasps at any opportunity to see me (as well as kiss me). He is everything I have been looking for, and I feel like I am in a dream. I still get nervous when I know he is coming to see me, which is completely out of my character. We are taking things slow and he says I am well worth the wait. While this has seemed to happen so fast, it feels like I have already known him for a long time. I cannot wait to see him again, even after being with him last night and basically all day today.

As for the other options, fate has started to do its job with them, as well. Wendy's decided someone else who was more email-saavy was better for him than I was, and took back all of the 'feelings' that he had before for me. McDonald's has yet to make a move, and I have started to see him more and more as a friend. There is a growing distance between us, mostly initiated by me. Bojangle's is still an amazing person, but also lives almost 80 miles away, and I realized that I cannot do another long distance relationship. He took it well, and we still keep in touch. Sometimes when you find something you really want, every thing else becomes extremely clear as to why they won't work.

This is unlike anything I have been around before, and the feeling is so different. I have never been more content. So, as for now, I am still trying not to get ahead of myself as to what I have going for me, but I have a really, REALLY good feeling about this.

when it rains, it pours

2010-02-11T18:14:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would like to say I appreciate all of the feedback from my last blog. I seriously have not gotten on here until today, and was very surprised to see the comments. It's good to know that every one shares some experiences with one another.

To update about the guy that I was recently seeing, we are no longer. I got tired of waiting, and maybe to some of you did not have enough guts to take a leap, but I did something incredibly stupid to get the point across that I could not wait any more. While I do consider myself a person who makes good decisions most of the time and thinks rationally, we all have our moments where we look back and say, "Why on EARTH did I do that??". I do realize now that him and I were like looking at a bad image in the mirror, but it does not change the fact that I feel horrible about it still. As much as I conveyed it to him, I do believe that he will never forgive me for it. Part of it is acceptable, but part of it is lack of maturity on his part. I do not like to talk bad about others, but it is just a mere observation that I have made within the last few months.

As to pertaining to the subject of this post, I have noticed that there is a trend with things coming in clumps. I consider myself single, and after two months of basically being on my own and focusing on myself and my job, I have been swarmed with many dating options within the last 3 weeks. While I do not say that I am complaining about the amount of interest (it's flattering!), I just wish that one person would come along at a time instead of all at once and make things incredibly confusing. I hate making decisions... I can barely decide where to go eat for lunch on most days.

So, should I do Wendy's, McDonald's, or Bojangle's (yes, I eat fast food... I am no Bill Gates)?

Wendy's is currently overseas on his way from Haiti to the Middle East. I was in a relationship with him approximately 4 years ago, and it ended due to him cheating on me. While I am not known for second chances, it has been a long time and I have felt like he has matured since joining his services. Over the span of those years, he has never lost his feelings for me and even drove for 10 hours last year just to see me during one of my breaks over college. The worst part was that I decided that I still had no feelings for him at that point, told him, and left him with another 10 hour drive back to think about it. Even after that, he was there for me for every phone call that I had about any troubles I had in my life. He was very blunt about how he felt with each situation and gave his complete honesty. He ended up seeing me that last two weekends he had before he shipped out, and I noticed that my feelings had changed. I do have 7 months to wait for him to return, but we keep in touch every day via email. I also promised him that I would give things another chance when he came back, but now I wonder where I will be when he gets off of that boat. Like Wendy's burgers, he has substance, satisfaction, but sometimes it's a lot to sink your teeth into.

McDonald's is someone that I have been familiar with for a little a while. He is a mutual friend who lives in the area and someone that I see quite often. We keep in touch almost on a daily basis, and have so much in common. He works in radio, has been completely comfortable with bringing me around his co-workers, and has even brought me into the studio late at night to let me watch him do voice tracks. He is sometimes hard to read, but extremely convenient. He has made it clear that there is interest there, but he is aware of the Wendy's situation, which has held him back from being forward at all. I enjoy spending time with him, but once again, it is something that I will not wait around on for too long. McDonald's is convenient, easy, but sometimes you are just not in the mood for it.

As for Bojangle's, I have recently ran into him after 5 years. He was someone that I knew from high school and was incredibly out of my league then. He was the badass guy whose presence was felt when he walked into the room, yet was nice enough to talk to me on occasion. By the most random chance, I saw him while driving on the highway one day and made it a point to wave hysterically to him across lanes. We immediately got into touch and he insisted that we hang out with each other. He also admitted that he liked me back in high school, but, outside of his badass front, was too scared to ever say anything. He is secretly a romantic at heart, and is already set on making the night that we see each other perfect. He has asked about everything that I like/don't like and has made it a point to know everything about me even before we have seen each other. The 'date' is set two weekends from now and as much as I should have my guard up, I am anticipating it like crazy. I eat that romantic stuff up. Bojangle's is something that I recently starting eating again, and have found a great liking for it. If nothing else looks good, Bojangle's is my go-to place.

Of course, with this whole 'Dear John' movie coming out, I expect people to want me to live unrealistically and hold it out for the guy on the boat, but keep in mind that I am still young and somewhat impulsive. 7 months is a long time and it's hard to keep promises at that point. I do not like breaking hearts, but I am a believer of things happening for a reason, and if something works out in a different direction, maybe it is supposed to happen.

As of now, I am still in limbo and kind of floating in the purgatory of relationships, but it is maybe best for now. But as I said, when it rains, it pours - and this also forces me to eventually make a decision.

Man, do I hate decisions...

crossroads

2009-10-27T09:31:00.001-07:00

I feel like I have been in a bad dream that I can't wake out of. While things were getting better for me and I felt like I had found things that made me happier than before, it is starting to make me notice more of the flaws from the past.
Is being with someone who is just like you in many senses a wonderful thing, or like looking into a mirror? At first, I found it to be the most exhilarating and amazing thing (as well as relieving) to be around, but as I rolled over on Sunday morning to see him and think about everything that has happened over the past month or so, I wonder if he is there to make me see just what I really look like. Broken, scared, indecisive yet impulsive, living in the moment yet stuck in the past... is that what I really am? While he has called me out on things that I am not proud of, I find that every one I cannot deny.

NO - I am not over it. I have shed more tears over my ex than I would ever care to, but I can't help it. My roommate says it's healthy to mourn over it, but when you can just feel him thinking about you as you're trying to go to bed at night, I think it's more than just mourning. It's missing... and I hate to say it, but I still do miss it. And the worst part is knowing that they miss it, too.
What do you expect? I put everything in for this one person and planned for everything we had discussed for the future, only to have him drop me for someone he barely knew. It leaves scars, and I know you can see them. However, if you think you are good at hiding your scars, you're not.

This guy is so self conscious, yet the coolest person ever. In social situations, he can approach any one and have a good time in any setting. However, when it comes to certain things, he has no confidence in himself whatsoever. I try to talk him up and show him just how much potential he has to do everything great, but after a while, this whole down-on-yourself thing is NOT sexy. I just want to grab his face and tell him to, for once, stop judging himself, man up, and kick ass.

I know I can be called hypocritical for complaining about his lack of self-confidence, but I do feel like we feed off of each other when it gets to those moments. It becomes this big whine-fest about who's heart has been stomped on more, who looks the worst, etc. At the end of the day, we've both been fucked over and we're both scared - and it's hindering us both from truly moving on in life. While misery does love company, I gotta get off that boat soon.

So, I guess I am contemplating waiting around to see if this mirror is going to make me eventually happy every time I look at it, or miserable. While I will wait for a while to see if my reflection becomes better over time, no one can wait forever.

are you happy?

2009-09-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

While I truly believe that fighting for someone that you love is noble, sometimes you end up wondering why you even tried fighting so hard.

Things seem to get lost in all of the pride that you swallow and there is no happiness left in what you do. As for now, I am ready to take that new road and do what I want for me.

I admit that I have not been the perfect lover... but mostly because I couldn't even be me anymore. I was unable to express what I had become, and that caused me to make plenty of mistakes. I wish I could say that I regret everything that I did within the last 8.5 months, but I have started to feel that what happened has made it more clear as to why things didn't work. All in all, I need to stop being scared of being alone and settling for something that isn't good enough. I am in no way saying that you aren't a good person, you just aren't for me.

I think the worst mistake I made was giving a second chance.

Word of the wise: do what makes you happy.

sometimes

2009-06-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to fight for what you love.

breaking away

2009-03-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was the first day of class back from Spring Break. It was beyond surreal to be sitting in the classroom again, much less forcing my brain to function. I felt like I got absolutely nothing done that day, or today. I guess I can be proud of myself for actually pushing through Stats homework and finishing it. I despise Math.

Literally 5 weeks until I graduate. I feel like all of these potential future plans are floating around in my head and I just don't know what to do or where I am going to go. While I cannot plan my future around things that are not yet promised to me (grad school acceptance), I still feel like I am dangling in mid air with the plans that I could fall back on. The economy today sadly holds no promise of me getting a legit job. Perfect timing with the graduation... :-/

I feel like I am being pulled into two, especially with the expectations of my parents. My mom is expecting me to get accepted to a school and/or get a job that I can support myself on, which might be harder than she thinks. On the other hand, my dad is moving to Hawaii since the divorce has almost gone through, and wants me to move with him. Sound like a fairy tale? Think twice. Hawaii (Honolulu, to be exact) is a HUGE tourist area that would offer me no real job positions, and the living costs there make me sick to my stomach. While I understand that my dad wants one of the kids to "take his side" and move along with him to give my mom the big 'F-you', I don't think it's in my best interest. The beach sounds wonderful, but who am I kidding? I would just be stalling AND burning a hole through my pocket.

The last slight pressure is that my boyfriend of 3 months, whom is excited that I am moving back to around his area, is also expecting that we move in together. Once again, while this sounds like an amazing idea and I would be more than happy to do so, I know that my mom would definitely veto the idea, as well as know that it wouldn't be financially attainable at the moment. Why does it matter to my mom, you ask? Well, considering that she graciously volunteered to help pay for my living expenses for the first month or so, I think that my living arrangements do somewhat fall in her hands. So, the best that I can do for now is moving into the same town as my boyfriend, find an apartment with 2-3 other roommates that I can hopefully stand, make some money and wait until things are financially okay enough for him and I to live together. From the way things are going, we'll have all of the time in the world to live in the same space. :)

Fortunately, that is about the only pressure that he has put on me. The distance sucks, but it is nothing like my last long-distance relationship. We have never really argued, respect each other's boundaries, and take one another's social lives into consideration. There is no pushing, shoving, or yelling. It is by far the best thing that I have ever been in, and I don't intend on calling it quits any time soon. Yet again, reading the past posts have shown quite a comparison of things with my last serious commitment versus this one.

Oh, did I mention that it's our 3 month mark??

Feels like longer.

Needless to say, I have fallen harder than a clumsy kid on an escalator. <3

a fresh start

2009-02-08T20:27:00.000-08:00

So, it has definitely been a REALLLYYYYY long time since I have written on here. I suppose you could say that a lot has happened, but that would be a mere understatement. Since then, I have loved and lost, failed and succeeded, and learned so much because of it.

The first thing that I would like to proudly announce is that Chris and I are no longer. It has been about 4 months since we broke up and almost a month and a half since we have not exchanged a single word to one another. In all honesty, I think we are both better people for it. While I do believe we loved and cared for each other, our bad habits from past relationships lashed out so much that we definitely brought each other down more than up. It is obvious that we were both at fault - however, he didn't feel like faithfulness was as important of an issue as I did.

Needless to say, I am relieved to be done with that whole ordeal.

... which leads me to my next point. While almost every post is about a new crush and whatnot, I am currently dating a guy that I have known since this past summer and I absolutely adore him. He is patient, understanding, smart, goofy, and (as a bonus) the tall, dark, and handsome type. I admit that we do have our differences, but he has always supported me through the hard times of my academic career, as well as personal life, and never gave up on me. I feel like I have become better each day just because he is in my life.

I, at times, wonder how I ended up with someone so amazing, but I do vividly remember crying to my old friend about how I would never find a good guy - I guess I finally got what I asked for. Although my fear of love and (mostly) marriage still exists, I could sincerely say that I could learn to love him for a long time. I have sadly fallen pretty hard for him in such a short period of time, and he is so perfect that things do seem very unreal.

I guess I just expect something this great to blow up in my face, like it always does.

As for my life in the college world, I am almost graduated! It is so surreal knowing that only months lie between now and when I am done with my undergraduate career. While I admit that I will not miss the academic workload, I will completely miss the social aspect of it all. Sewanee is such a tight-knit community that, when you step into the real world, you are shocked just how much people don't know each other. However, I have found myself becoming bored or rather annoyed when I go to fraternity parties now. Even spending time at my sorority has become an unpleasant experience. I was talking to a fellow classmate on a long drive home, and we both admitted that the party scene has grown old to both of us. I suppose it is a good thing in the long run though - we can easily let it go when we leave.

I wish I could expand on more aspects of my life at the moment, but I am utterly exhausted from the long trek back to campus.

(I visited the boyfriend this weekend... it was glorious.)

my conscience is mocking me

2008-03-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

So, I looked over my last post (I seem to do that a lot), and I didn't realize how great I had it then.

Ever since really January, my life has slowly crumbled to the ground. My parents announced their seperation, which came as a surprise, but I somehow detected it from afar. Then, after that, my dad broke down and told me the details of their seperation. These details have changed the way I look at every single person, even those who I have known since the day I was born. My shakey trust issues are now completely collapsed, I have no faith in any of my relationships with people, and I seem to be even more indifferent about my grades.
I went to see the university counselor that I had seen last year, and I really felt no connection whatsoever. This coming from a psychology major, I can say that I haven't had any good experiences with therapy. They waste my time and I spend most of it trying to figure out how to say the most vague thing while still answering the questions. Maybe it's just the person, but I am completely unwilling to just spill it all out to them.

As for the guy who I was earlier contemplating about dating-wise, we are currently broken up. I just felt it unfair to keep something going that was so hard to do. The miles between us and just the pressure from trying to keep everything so serious wore us both down, and we mutually called it quits for a bit. But he still calls (more than he should). I think the worst thing about this is he is 'holding out' for me. I never completely promised us getting back together, but he is just sitting and waiting around for me. I also think it wouldn't be so bad if last weekend hadn't swept me off of my feet.
After this whole trust issues/parent issues/personal issues bullshit, I figured I would not want to date for a long, long time. Then, I met this guy who (at the moment is confusing the hell out of me) I actually FELT something for. It was unbelievable how my heart raced and I got all shakey and shy when he smiled at me and said hello. I hadn't felt like this in at least 2 years. I started thinking back about how my last boyfriend and I got together, and it was because I finally caved to his persistence. I never had the middle school crush symptoms like I do now.
I HELD HIS HAND. That's all I could think about when I awoke on Saturday morning. Most college students would find that completely unfulfilling, but for some reason, it was more than enough. However, even after he asked if I was going to a party that his fraternity was hosting the next night, when I got there, he said hello once, and pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night. I talked to other people, in hopes that he would come up and talk, but he stuck by the side of this one girl (ironically one of my sorority pledges). I finally let my emotions get the best of me, and I left. I couldn't watch as he walked around with some other girl and he hesistated to even look at me.
I explained what happened to my friends the next day, and I soon realized that I had only held a total of like 3 conversations with this guy. The girl he was dancing with he knew much better, and could have very well been just a friend. I still wish I could find a way to talk to him more, but I admit I can be decently intimidating (especially him being a freshman and I a junior). I don't want to be pushy or aggressive, but I don't want him to forget me. All of these thoughts are still overflowing my mind.
I must admit it is still nice to know that I can become infatuated with someone, even if nothing comes out of it. But, on the other hand, what does this mean about my ex 'holding out'?
He's been begging for me to come to see him over the break (which is in 2 days), but I am feeling more and more reluctant to do so. It feels so wrong to be thinking about one person so much, while leaving the other one waiting for you.
I will have to resolve this soon. And I believe it will not be especially pretty.

As for my family issues, I believe I will just try to avoid being at home. It reminds me too much of how much of a mess it is.

sometimes the same if different, but mostly, it's the same

2007-09-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

So, I overlooked my ENTIRE blog the other day, and noticed just how much it has changed. I first used it as a summary of my life - a semi-autobiography, but now, it's pretty much full of rants. I suppose it still sums up a lot of occurrences in my life, but it has a lot more feeling to it. I guess I don't like writing things just to write them... I have to be somewhat inspired before getting up enough energy to post. But I am sure, by now, you have realized that I do definitely have something to write about.

In my last post, I talked about a guy at work that was kind of a threat, but probably not, because I was not interested in dating. Well, for the past 3 months, him and I have been in a pretty serious relationship. It was odd, because I really did try hard to avoid it, but he was so damn persistent. I finally caved and realized that it was nice to have someone there again. Although he is much different from any guy I have ever been with, we still had a lot of fun. However, the entire time, I figured it would just be a summer fling, and I would then return to my college, single again. But... about a month before I had to leave, we had a pretty intoxicated conversation about how we were going to try to continue it when I went to college.
Keep in mind that our colleges are 600 miles apart.
The rest of the summer was great - the 5-day trip to Ocracoke Island and summer nights watching the stars while choking down shots of vodka. We never argued and just enjoyed each other to the fullest.
It was sad when he left to go to college, but he came back every weekend. Even then, being away from each other for 3 days to a week was almost unbearable, compared to seeing each other every day at work and in the evenings. I knew, deep down, this long-distance thing was going to be rough. When I left for my college, he hugged me goodbye and kept from crying a little (it's so cute that he is such a big guy and I can still bring him to tears). I assured him that it was only 3 weeks until I got to see him and tried my hardest to have an optimistic outlook on us.
I soon learned that having a relationship on the phone is very hard... you can't really talk things out, even though it is all about talk. We went from never having a problem to arguing almost every other day. After 2 weeks, he couldn't take it anymore, and drove 9 hours to come see me. I was ecstatic when he was here, but it was still for a short period of time. Along with that, Nathan (mentioned in previous post) came in the same weekend, which made things very stressful. I didn't get to see him (or speak to him) for more than 30 minutes altogether. And even though my new boyfriend was at my side, I couldn't help but still have something deep inside for Nathan. I missed him so much.
As for now, it's been a month since Chris (new boyfriend) has been here, and our fights have only gotten worse. I have said, "it's over!", more than once, but ended up taking it back. We even had the talk about how bad things are now, and how breaking up sometimes seems like the best. Every time we fight, I ask myself more and more why I am putting up with all of it. The wonderful relationship we once had is now something completely different. It's something I wouldn't normally hold on to for one second.
And Nathan and I have been keeping in touch throughout all of this. Even though it does bother him that I have a boyfriend now, he is tolerant of being a friend, because that's about all he can be, anyway. Sadly, I put my guard down a couple of nights ago, when I drunkenly called him and admitted that I still had feelings for him. I felt terrible the next morning when I had realized what I had done, but I vividly remembered him saying that he still had feelings for me, as well.
Although that bites at me on a daily basis, I wouldn't break it off with my new boyfriend because of Nathan; I would do it for myself. It's like something that weighs me down now, and the more that I think about it, the more I wonder why I have let it get this far.
But I have let it get this far. He is coming up a little over 2 days for my birthday for 6 days. Part of me thinks it's unfair for him to even come up here again with all these feelings that I have now, but the other part says this might be the last chance I have to reconsider my options. I guess it is the latter, because I can't just tell him he can't now. Don't you think it's sad that I may have already made up my mind before he even gets a last chance? Yeah, me too.

Speaking of chances, I sometimes wish that I could get over Nathan. I gave him a whole year to get his shit together and actually commit, and, although we were pretty much exclusive at the end of the year, he didn't quite follow through. I just don't understand how I am giving one guy so many chances and another so few. I can't explain it, but I still have more feelings for Nathan than any person I know ... even the guy I am with now. Either Nathan and I need to figure some things out, or I have to find someone to sweep me off my feet and get my mind off of him. I don't even know if there will be someone who can do that at this point.

In conclusion, I am so hopeless and complicate things for myself. This guy doesn't do much wrong (outside of the arguments, which aren't just his fault), and I am subconsciously trying to find a reason to dump him.
Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship, even though that's something that I want more than anything.

I hate irony.

it's all the same...

2007-07-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time.
So, I will begin this blog with the bad and then end on a good note. It's always good to finish with the positive, right?

I have recently began to notice that some of the people that I consider my closest friends are not really that. It's probably the worst feeling in the world to doubt those that you put so much trust in for such a long period of time.
It all started with Thy... one of my best friends from college, who graduated about a month and a half ago. I have always had trouble making friends with girls, and although she was intimidated at first to talk to me, we hit it off right away. She was there for me the night after graduation that I broke down about her and Nathan leaving, and told me that she would see me in less than a month at an upcoming wedding. I never saw her there (after running around campus for an hour and a half), and didn't hear much from her after that. After getting home from China, I realized that she abruptly un-friended me on this college networking site we both have. I don't really know what caused it all, but I am still left in the dark. I have no clue as to why she once called me her best friend, then now won't even speak to me. Her mother is going through alot of sickness, she's re-taking the MCAT, and I know that's stressful, but I want more than anything to be there for her just like she was for me. We have had our fights, but I have always know what I have done wrong. In this case, I have no clue as to what's going on, or what I did. I just wish things would be back to the way they were with her and I. Just being away from college makes me miss it all so much. I miss being able to walk downstairs and knock on her locked door (even though I KNOW she's in there) and listen to her squeak, "Who is it?" and I squeak back, "Meee!". I miss our late night Stirling trips and Blue Chair fruit tea refills. I mostly miss her being so damn smart, and me always wishing that I was motivated enough to make my family as proud as hers is of her. I would give anything in the world to just talk to her for a little bit, just to know that things are okay. When a friend is mad at me, it just nags at me little by little until I about lose it.
I have been so on edge because of this, and I have unknowingly gotten a worse attitude towards people. My best guy friend flipped out on me the other week because I was picking on him alot. I yell at my co-workers and even the kids I coach almost on a daily basis. I have decided to start therapy again, not even for my past experiences and situations, but for what's going on now. I just wish everything would stop bothering me so much.
And tonight, which triggered this entry, is the night of the fourth of July. My beloved best friend, Alexi, promised that she would call me to come to her lakehouse and still hasn't called me. This sadly isn't the first time and I guess I am sick and tired of being bummed out on in general. Alot of my friends have promised things, but have either never called or just found something better. I hate being second rate, an option, or any of those things. I always tell myself to do the same thing back just to let them see how it feels, but I never seem to have the guts to do it. Maybe I just have a heart.
On the contrary, Nathan got a job in my home state, 8-9 hours from his home. This means I can go and see him (even though it is 5 hours from MY home) more than I would otherwise. It was great to hear his voice on the phone this past weekend. It made everything okay and things got so much better knowing that he was closer. I am going to see him in a week and a half, and cannot wait to do so. From what I could tell, I think he feels the same.
I am trying to focus on the good I have with him and I, even though this job in a new location has its 'threats'. There is a guy that I work with who is actually starting to get to me a little bit, but I am not too worried. I have actually done an excellent job of turning down any opportunities to have a thing with any guy. Not because of Nathan (considering we're not really exclusive or anything), but for myself. I have enjoyed not having to worry about the opposite sex for once in about 2.5 years, and it has made my life a lot less complicated.
So yey me.

In summary, I appreciate the friendships that I have, but I would like some consistent ones and the ones that I miss back. It would make all of our lives so much easier and happier.
And I need happy.
See you all in therapy, for now.

time, why do you punish me?

2007-05-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

So, here it is... the end.
The seniors at my college graduated today, and although the festivities of the past few days have been incredible (I only personally experienced one day, and that was nuts), I felt a huge lump in my throat as I looked at faces that I may never see again.
Especially those of my two best friends.

Even though I very well know that I will see them again, I guess their large lack of presence in the near future is what scares me the most. It is normally shocking in general for a college student to come home to a lot less freedom than usual, but it is even worse to not be able to have access to the friends that once surrounded you for months on end.
I do cherish my friends from home (don't get me wrong), it's just different. Very different.

As I looked at my past blogs, I noticed that I didn't give credit where it very well is due. There is a person that I met around this time just a year ago, and he has made a huge impact on my life. Not only have we been 'kind of dating' (it's complicated...) on and off since we met, he's been one of my best friends through it all. I always put him on the backburner when I found someone 'more interesting,' pushed him away when I probably needed him the most, and made a lot of mistakes that hurt both him and I. But although I gave him every reason to hate me and tell me to get the fuck out of his life, he always waited there with open arms. When I dated a guy from home for 3 months during first semester, he actively pursued me and told me how he actually felt. It was obvious that he missed me and, although I told myself it was wrong, I missed him just as much. I couldn't even wait a full week after the break-up to go back to him.
And even though he has never verbally told me much of his feelings, people who know him tell me again and again just how much he likes me. It's not even what he says, but how he says it.
After I made a decision that lead to one of the worst situations of my life, he still was there for me, even though he could have easily told me to get out. He talked it out with me and told me he could never ask me to leave. I figured I wouldn't even get more than eye contact of him after what happened, but he forgave me with so much more.
From that point, something in me told me that other guys really didn't matter, and that maybe this was exactly what I was looking for. A guy that you could do anything with - from hanging out and drinking to cuddling while watching a movie. Things have gone so smooth for us since, and we haven't argued one bit. The fact that we both knew we had to part ways soon pressured us to just give up on the drama and focus on the good things. And that was exactly what we did. Neither one of us felt compelled to find 'someone else,' because we were all that the other could handle.
And now, in 24 hours, he will be back in his home state, and I will be in class for an abroad trip that I am doing. I will still be on the mountain, knowing that, next semester, I won't be able to walk to his room and ultimately feel better upon just seeing his face. I won't be able to hide under his down comforter or in his arms when I am scared or upset. I won't be able to walk in to him banging away at his drumset on a Thursday Open Mic Night. I won't be able to find him in Skip's room, hanging out, where I can plop down beside him as he slyly sneaks his arm around me as the night unfolds. I won't be able to steal his wine and drink straight from the bottle while he just smiles at me. Man, how he smiles at me...

Throughout my days of adolescence, I have tried so hard to figure out what love is. Could this be? It seems that it being vocalized isn't even necessary (as crucial as that seems) for us; it's silently understood. Neither one of us have exchanged the three big words, and I don't know if we ever will. But I do feel that it's there, and that's the most important thing.
After this evening, I look forward to the next time our eyes meet again, because I don't know if how I feel for him will ever be rekindled in another. If so, it will still be very different.

Congratulations to the Class of 2007. May you all enter this 'real world' strong and succeed in several ways.
I love you all.

And most importantly, I love you, Nathan.

who you are

2007-02-26T11:33:00.001-08:00

Here lately, I have encountered many situations that have made me evaluate who I am as a person. All of these events have absolutely nothing to do with the other, but they still tie into something that is a huge factor in every person’s life – themselves.

The first occurrence was just the other weekend, where I later found myself torn between doing something I love but being with some people I dislike. Many who read this would think, “Oh, it’s just a few people… there’s only so much they can do.” I sadly beg to differ. I suppose I have gone around with that mindset at times, but I admit that I have let only a few (or one, for that matter) really get to me in the past. It is even worse when you spend practically six months with them. They are with you for two or more hours a day, and more than that on weekends. I figure that no one on my swim team reads this anyway, so I can quit being so anonymous… it is my own team. The team that is seen as the closest by far on campus and envied by many teams just by how well we bond. We eat together, drink together, travel together, and sometimes even sleep together. It’s always together.

Not me.

Call me a non-conformist for the 19284^th time, but I don’t like getting wasted beyond my memory’s capacity every night I get the chance. I don’t enjoy sitting at a table with people who don’t acknowledge that I am there and have no interest in my input to the conversation. I don’t like the expectation that everyone on the team “hooks up” with one another. And I mostly hate the fact that within this already seemingly exclusive group, there are cliques within that.

How can someone who is in a team feel excluded? I never thought it was possible. I felt less excluded being the only white girl on the volleyball team in high school than I do now on my collegiate swim team. I think that is really sad.

Now you are all wondering as to why I finally just let it all out. I guess there is a breaking point to everyone. And when someone actually voiced that I was “an outcast” to the team one night at a fraternity, I guess you could say I snapped a little. Due to the situation, I brushed it off, but it really left a mark on me emotionally. I suppose I always hoped that my assumption of being too different from my “group” was just my own slight paranoia, but maybe not. My mind started questioning, “Is this what they all think?” Given that the swimmer who said this was decently intoxicated and using it as an attempt to benefit only her, I find it inexcusable.

I have wanted to confront her, but I would rather not risk messing up my already golden reputation with the team. It seems as though I have nothing to lose.

The next situation is something that is pretty much out of my hands. I went to a talk at the Women’s Center on hair, mostly (I admit) for the free sub sandwiches. As the discussion went on from the presenters, I realized that every one of them (except one) had curly hair. They talked about how society was so dependent on the hair-straightener and that no one cherishes their real locks anymore. I could feel them look at me with those judgmental eyes, condemning me for having the straight hair on my head. The one speaker who had naturally straight hair had a shaved head. He focused on that.

I felt slightly upset that some of these people in front of me were sure that I, too, spend 20+ minutes straightening my hair every morning. My hair is naturally straight. It has always been. It sometimes even gets a slight wave or curl at the ends, and that is something to celebrate. When I was little, my hair was so straight and fine, my hair bands and hair bows would slide right out. To this day, curling/crimping it is a waste of time. My stubborn hair refuses to hold any style. It never falls the right way, lacks volume, and gets dirty very easily. Anyone with curly hair would tell me to stop complaining about having straight hair, but it isn’t the best thing, either. And I don’t mean to have the natural hair that is in style now, it just happens. When curly is back in style, I guess I will be out of the loop.

Until then, don’t judge me for what I have or who I am.

I can’t help that I don’t share the same interests or my complete life with my team, or that my hair is straight as a board. Those are things that I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have finally started to realize just who I am as a person since college. It’s been a wonderful experience so far, even though disappointing things have happened to get there.

I will always be different and I will always have naturally straight hair.

I will always wait until the last minute to do assignments. I will always play with my hair in class. I will always mess with my clothing constantly. I will always want to roll back over every morning. I will always get excited when my nails grow out. I will always listen to music. I will always be a hopeless romantic. I will always pretend to study harder than I do. I will always have a southern accent. I will always question everything. I will always love pasta. I will always fiddle with my bracelets. I will always be short of breath when working really hard. I will always hold in my emotions around others. I will always try not to judge others. I will always hate running. I will always laugh at things no one understands. I will always miss my friends from home. I will always not know where I am going with this…

But I will always be who I am.

what is attraction?

2007-02-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

I often find myself titling a lot of these posts with only questions, but I suppose that is what life is all about. I have never found myself not questioning anything, because it's human nature to ponder pretty much everything. But along with all questions, I intend to give input on my own interpretation of things.

This could be quite appropriate for the upcoming Valentine's Day...

What is attraction exactly? Is it merely physical? Is it defined in the moment where your eyes seem magnetic to someone who passes by? Or is it after you have gotten to know someone where you really feel connected to them?
I feel like I have felt every aspect of what we call attraction. It was only this weekend at my conference meet that my eyes couldn't keep off of this one dark haired, blue-eyed swimmer from another team. He was captivating, yet I couldn't quite figure out how, out of all the male bodies running around, I was especially drawn to him. And even after only watching him, I found many things we had in common - we swam the same events, acted the same in relation to the rest of the team, etc. It's funny how the mind rushes to find anything that could spark conversation or tie two people together. I find that there are degrees of attraction from all of this. It starts with mere physical attraction and then immediately (if it gets that far) into emotional. Only by looking at this guy, I was already trying to find inner interests that we shared.
This is also the point where I play devil's advocate with the whole "looks don't matter" business.
C'mon... who are you really fooling? What really sparks the first bit of interest? I know it's not not the fact that you are in the same English course. Besides, everyone takes English, right?
Maybe what I am trying to get at is that attraction is such a flexible definition. Some people take it more seriously and definitely consider it in different situations.
As for me, I only see attraction as something fleeting at this point. The fact that some person's glance can get your heart racing doesn't mean much to me anymore. It happens here and there, and sure, it's nice to know if you can catch their attention back, but it usually doesn't go anywhere.
Those little bits of eye contact only happen in passing, whether it be on your college campus or at a swim meet that is 8 hours away from home. What happens from there is how much you are willing to put into something that could just be the "1st degree of attraction".
I found out that this guy is from Oklahoma and goes to college in Indiana. He is graduating this year.
...my point exactly.

I don't intend to make this a huge downer entry or whatever, but I just am still asking myself, when is it time to realize that it is more than just mere attraction? Or when is it appropriate to pursue a certain attraction? This I can't define.
Maybe it's just that gut feeling you get, even when the person doesn't take your breath away from one glance. I have luckily had that happen a few times. They, 9 times out of 10, end up being better than most of those knock-outs.

Over the "1st degree attraction," I would take the "2nd degree" attraction (or one based on more personality) attraction anyday. At this point, I think it's better to trust my gut over my eyes. Even those can deceive you, no matter what kind of vision you may have.

So I guess this means that the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach. :)

don't believe the truth - again.

2007-01-18T07:42:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... so, where do I start this blog off?

I guess I can begin with my view on serious relationships. I value three things and always make sure they are present : communication, honesty, and trust. Although trust and honesty are pretty close to the same thing, I still like to state them as something different... to get my point across.

So, I had this boyfriend from home who was in every way perfect. He made me smile all of the time, I trusted him and, yes, (I can't believe I am saying this) loved him. I guess there are some things you can't deny. The time at home was amazing. We spent almost every day together and I tried my hardest to make up for the time lost from when I was away. I thought I was doing everything right. Every hug, kiss, and embrace made me know that he was definitely worth every thing. He had his flaws, some larger than others, but I overlooked them and focused on all that was good. I attempted to give him a wonderful birthday and Christmas (even though I ended up giving him his present late). He meant the world to me and while he was going through hard times, I tried my hardest to keep a smile on his face. Sure, I would get upset with him from time to time, but one look into those green eyes, and I couldn't help but grab his hand and forgive him.
I even thought about our future plans together - all of the things we would do during the summer, even on his next birthday (Dec 2007). It was then I realized just how fast and hard I had fallen. I rarely take that big of a step to think so far ahead about being with someone, but I had all of my confidence in what we had.

It was the evening of our 3 month, and I received some news. I was into my 2nd day at Sewanee, just settling back in for the new semester. Sadly, I had been slightly skeptical about his faithfulness (due to some recent conversations), and this fueled it even more. I was so upset that I couldn't think straight, and decided to wait it out until I could figure out if any of what was said was true. I had to keep calm, but I couldn't help but tremble the entire night. My roommate was shocked and one of my really good friends had to come over and keep me from losing it. Unable to keep my energy cooped up any longer, I pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt and ran my heart out in the 35 degree weather. The cold air didn't hurt near as bad as the sharp pain in my chest. I wished that it was as numb as my entire face, fingers, and legs. I had forgotten to use my inhaler before overloading my body with unfamiliar physical activity, so I ended up wheezing the rest of the night. Needless to say, I still haven't completely stopped. I don't even think the running is causing it anymore... just the constant tightening in my chest.
I missed two of his calls. I sometimes wonder if I could have even beared to hear the voice I once found comfort in.
Like my friend suggested, I waited until the next day to figure things out. I had talked to my boyfriend that morning and it ended with nothing figured out, but only frustration. I thought about him the entire day with a lump in my throat, and I figure he did the same. That afternoon, I received proof of the one thing I hoped wasn't true. Tears welled up in my eyes and my face became flushed as I read the text on the screen. My hands trembled as I scrolled down and clicked on each forwarded message. My stomach churned while I shook with a mix of anger and fear. My heart felt heavy and reluctant, but my conscience knew what I had to do.
I have rules. And as much as I wanted to break them, I knew there were no exceptions.
It would have been better if I had expressed it by phone, but I was afraid of crumbling when hearing his voice. I, with my tail between my legs, sent a short message ending the one thing I never wanted to.
Call me a wuss for not telling him vocally, but I am still so vulnerable. He called that evening, but I was out of the room, actually reasoning with his best friend on the phone. His friend tried to defend him and told me, for once, to not crawl into my hole like usual and actually give him another chance. I wanted to so badly. I was dying to feel his arms around me once again, but I was dying inside all at the same time.
I am still curious as to what he had to say. And I don't deny that I yearned to hear his voice, even if it was for the last time.
The one thing I ever wanted was the truth. All I wanted was some closure.

He continues to deny. And I continue to hurt.
He said he couldn't fight for something if I wouldn't fight for the same thing with him. But what is there to fight for? Maybe I am just tired of fighting in general.

This same guy once told me to have no regrets, for they only drag you down.
It's times like these where you know you can never ignore your regrets. Flaws, mistakes, and mostly regrets still do make who you are. I guess it's just accepting the ones you do have.

For now, I have a hole to find.

i miss you

2006-11-12T01:25:00.000-08:00

I need to be home now. Thanksgiving Break cannot come soon enough.
I have realized that home really is where the heart is. Sure, I have two really good friends here in college, but they still are different from everyone that has been a big part of my life for the longest time. Those are the people who have made up who I am, and I thank them for it.
Though I can always better myself, I can happily say I am satisfied as to who I am right now. I appreciate the real friends I have and the guy who makes my heart dance. I cannot wait to see every one of your beautiful faces. I miss it.
I miss all of the good times we've shared.
College is just not the same. It really is something that is wonderful to be a part of, but it is also nice to just get away from college as well. When friends come up to visit, they say that my college is a great place to just get away from it all (especially Lexington). As for me, Lexington, in a sense, is a good way to get away from college. Though I love the campus here and it is so beautiful and enchanting during all seasons, just getting away from the atmosphere of intense work really helps. You can wake up in your own house, in your own bed, without a thing in the world to do. I know that, over time, that causes major boredom and there is a lot more to do in college, but I actually enjoy some days where I do absolutely nothing. Where I sleep in and awake under the roof that I had slept under for my entire life, get a real home-cooked meal, and just waste the day away catching up with old friends. That is the best part about breaks.
So... here's to the breaks. May they come quickly and last long.

like walking in a sleepless dream...

2006-10-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

My feet float just above the ground.

I found the perfect person.
And I know that you have seen this more than once on here, but I believe this is no false alarm. This guy has everything I have ever wanted in a guy. He's intelligent, extremely verbally interactive, attractive, witty, playful (but serious when needed), and I can't help but smile around him. No matter how upset, sad, mad, or anything other than happy I am around him, he gets me smiling with one glance. He knows exactly what to say or do to make me laugh. And the best part is that he doesn't even have to try, he is just himself and that makes me the happiest I have ever been.
I can't get over how everything fell into place perfectly. Everything about him and this situation just revolves around that one word... perfect. It went from a casual evening hanging out to being entangled in his arms/kiss. It wasn't expected, but I definitely was not complaining at all by the night's end. Even the moment of truth (next morning) was just as perfect as the night before. He assured me with a good morning kiss and smile. It was like living a dream. It still is.
Yeah... so. I have a boyfriend. And he's wonderful. That pretty much sums it up.

Sooooooo Fall Party Weekend is this weekend. That should be fun, especially with my special visitor. :] There will be lots and lots of things to do.
Other than the Alumni Swim Meet and Football Game, which will take up more time than I need, it will be quite an eventful weekend.

I also got my grades in for midterms, and they weren't as bad as I thought they would be. Of course, that doesn't actually mean they were fantastic, but they're manageable at this point. At least I know I can work with them.

Things are looking pretty good right now, so hopefully consistency will kick in for me, because I could definitely get used to this.

let's talk.

2006-10-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

So... it's been a good two weeks since I've written in this thing. I guess I have neglected it for a longer period of time, but the people who read this probably get tired of checking and seeing the same old posts. Sorry.
But isn't it funny how every time I update, it's because it seems I feel obligated? Ha.

Well, I am home for fall break and I must say it has been a much better one than last year. I guess the worst part is that I really needed to go home more last year because I missed home so much, but this time around, I had a lot more fun. I'm not saying that I didn't want to come home (because I really did), but I felt like my reason to come home was completely different last year. Funny how over a year's time can change your attitude about a lot of things. I have eased up a whole lot and have learned to accept things as they are instead of freaking out about them. It's a much better way to look at life. So, I pat myself on the back for that *pats*.
Plus, I made a new friend this break. He's a pretty cool cat. Speaking of which, it's crazy when you meet someone who pretty much sweeps you off your feet and you don't expect it. I just don't understand how you find the best people in the places you would never look.
Dammit.

The new house is amazing, I'm not going to even lie. I was really skeptical about coming home to a completely different location and setting, but it's really not that bad. I like my room and the house is basically sweet-ass. It's going to be cool living in for a bit. And I guess I should get used to it, especially since I intend on actually staying at home this summer.

Speaking of summer, at the beginning of it (after Grad Week, of course), I am hopefully going to China/Tibet!! Isn't that the coolest thing ever? I am pretty excited about the whole ordeal. I guess I could give some credit to Thy, because she was the one who brought up the idea. Without the suggestion, I definitely wouldn't have thought twice about it. At first, I didn't even think that my parents would go for it, but since they went to China when they were younger, they were all for it. My dad got pretty excited... didn't expect that reaction. I think he secretly wanted to go. Ha, silly Dad. Anyway, the trip counts as 2 class credits (8 hours, just as much as summer school). So, I won't have to go to summer school if this happens. And I get to go to another country, so I'm not complaining about this option! Plus, I get back in early June, so I will have the rest of the summer (about 2.5 months) to be at home, get a job, and chill out. This summer could be awesome.

I just love how I look so far ahead in my plans, yet I never get anything done ahead of time to help it. I'm such a procrastinator. :]

once again

2006-10-01T17:50:00.001-07:00

I am sick. And cranky.
And I want to rant, so I will.

Okay, so this was triggered from something that happened to one of my friends recently, but I just want to go on about it.
I don't understand how things "just happen". Nothing has ever "just happened" with me when I was under the influence or sober. I can't comprehend how people expect others to be like, "Oh, okay, well that's a valid excuse" to it just happening. It's not. It's really stupid. It shows lack of thought or responsibility. I'm sorry, but you obviously don't give a shit about the consequences.
I know I sound like a tightwad or a mother, but I can't even be hypocritical about this. Sure, I have done some stupid stuff in the past, but it's not like I didn't think about it. I even admit to hoping that no one ever thinks or remembers it again, but my brain was functioning at that moment in time. Hell, something I pulled 3 years ago is coming to bite me in the ass sometime this semester. Not everything you do can be forgiven by life.
I guess I just know a lot of instances when my friends have had things "just happen" to them, things became awkward or had really bad endings. One of my friends this summer had to be told by my roommate and I that yes, she was raped. She couldn't believe it and was sure that one thing led to another, but when she described the whole situation, she had obviously been raped. And she didn't even know it. She just used that stupid line as an excuse. So, what the FUCK?
Why is everyone so sure that being casual about stuff is the way to go about things? Why can't you just think about what is going on and actually say 'no' if it doesn't feel right? Why can't you actually put time into things before letting drastic physical things happen? I know that this is all relative from person to person, but I find this all a little disappointing. We're in such a rush to grow up, that we let things 'just happen,' and hope that it won't be bad in the long run.
Well, news flash: it usually is.

Just think about things.

I am tired of people not using the most precious thing they have. Too bad it's not even their heart.

slowdown.

2006-09-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, I just feel like everyone is in such a rush to grow up and go on with their lives.
I mean, I wouldn't mind eventually growing up, fending for myself, having my own place, etc., but not at the moment.

I just see a lot of people close to my age now getting married, having kids... all that good stuff. Good? No.
I don't understand why people can't cherish the youth they have. It's the best days of your life. Sure, you aren't 5 anymore, but that doesn't mean you have to push into all aspects of maturity. This is coming from someone who isn't ridiculously immature, either. I just don't get why people want to do things like that. It terminates a lot of other options in your life.
Okay, I'm done with that rant.

School has been better for me. I have done decently well in my classes, and for that, it's been a relief at the moment. I seriously can't even come close to not doing awesome this semester. I just can't mess that up.
Swim season has started up and is pretty hardcore right now. We are swimming 6 days a week and lifting at least twice a week (I lifted 3 times last week). It is killing me at the moment, but I know that it will eventually all come together.
Except for the whole grinding/popping of the shoulder. But yeah. That's normal.

I have recently stumbled across a wonderful little thing that makes me happy... a caterpillar and his name is Spot. He eats and sleeps a lot, and is super cute. He's pretty much my pride and joy. We were supposed to let him go this weekend, but we couldn't do it. I would love to watch him pupate into an imperial moth!! That would be soooo cool!
Yeah, I'm pretty much a dork.

This past weekend was also great for me. I had a lot of fun, think I got another person to attend Sewanee next year (yey!), and just took care of things well. Things are looking pretty good for me...

and i can't get to you...

2006-09-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I have felt like I have needed to write a blog for a while now, but I don't know where to begin.
I guess I could start off with how much I missed my lovelies (Lexi and Lindsay) this past weekend. It was pretty rough for me here at that time knowing that they were spending the entire time on the lake, having a blast, while I was stuck here, kicked out of my room. I am not trying to sound selfish, but this last weekend wasn't its greatest. My roommate's boyfriend came over, so I left them for privacy. I just felt a spark of jealously when he held her hand and did cute little things to her. I felt completely useless and unwanted. That was pretty much the jist of it all.
Luckily, Thy pulled through and we did a few things together. Her and I have spent a lot of time together, and it's a shame that she's a senior this year. I am really going to miss her.
We went to the Cross and to catch some bugs, and I caught a luna moth! It was incredible to hold something so beautiful in my hands... it was a pale green with a delicate, long tail. I couldn't stop looking at it's large antennae and it's chalky white body. I couldn't help but feel horrible when we placed the "killing jar" over it to gas it unconcious and eventually kill it. Even though the first luna moth I tried to catch (for my brother's bug project) eluded me and I felt some compensation in this catch, I still felt awful for killing something so rare and beautiful.
At least the professor was very impressed... the things I do for science.

Yeah, and that's the first of it.
I am not doing perfect in school, but better, I feel. That is something that is making me feel a little better about all of that is going on. Jo and I get along great for the most part, swimming has just started up, and I decided to keep up orchestra this year. I haven't been that overwhelmed yet, so we'll see how it goes. Unfortunately, there is a lot going on this weekend. Pink panties is on Friday night, Jo wants me to go caving with her Saturday, Ben invited me over for his Ninja Turtle party on Saturday night, then I'm going rafting with the team on Sunday. Along with all of these social events, I also have a History paper due next week, an oral presentation for Renaissance Lit due next week, and my Latin workbook due Monday. Arggggh. Talk about crunch time. I should actually be working instead of writing this damn blog, but I need to vent.

Also, the whole love life thingamabob.
I am slightly discouraged about all that has gone on. Though there are many that show interest (and much more than that), and I terrified of jumping into anything. I am so tired of getting hurt that it has become instinct to become uninvolved with anyone. I just think I should step back for a second and think about what I am doing, and why I am here.
I am here to learn, experience, and succeed. Rarely does much of that come from guys.
Once again, I am ready to give up in that department. I might be better off alone.

I can't even think of anything else to say due to the lack of sleep I have been getting lately, so sadly, this is all I can produce out of my tiny mind for tonight.

PS - Matt, if you read this... I MISS YOUUUUUUUU!!!

sigh

2006-08-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

What a fucked up world.

back to where i belong

2006-08-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

Even though it feels like it's only been a few days since my last post, a lot sure has happened.

Obviously, I am back in college at Sewanee. It was wonderful to have 2 (almost) full days to just enjoy the campus and do pretty much nothing. I am nervous about how I will do this semester, but I intend to work my ass off. My parents gave me a 3rd chance, which was pretty much a one in a million chance, so I refuse to blow it this time. Today was our first day of class, and I already know I am going to enjoy my Social Psych class, but History left me almost passed out on my desk. My Psych class is super small (5 people including me), so I know we are going to get a lot done and have awesome interaction with the prof. She seems really cool. On the other hand, History has never been my strong suit, but I will try everything to do well in there. I just find it hard to get motivated in a class you don't enjoy much at all.
I am also excited about this swim season. We had a good crowd come out yesterday for the pre-season meeting. It was also great to re-unite with my 'family' again. We are going to have a good year, I just know it. And the fact that our Coach needs us more than ever will really be influential. I think he is going to put more into it this year than he ever has. I also look forward to the new swimmers contributing to the team.

I just think that this year is going to be an excellent one with everything I have going for me.

Except that I left my laptop at home. Yeah, that was a dumb move (I'm using my roomie's comp until it gets here).

have you ever...

2006-08-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

So it's been forever since I've written, making it pretty easy to fill in the facts of the last month or so.

First off, I am going back to Sewanee. When I checked my grades online, they fell slightly short in Religion (go figure) of my parents' standards. At first, they kept their word and were going to make me stay home AT LEAST a semester and commute to a nearby college (UNCG), get a decent job, and pretty much get my shit together.
Let's just say I was beyond devastated. I couldn't help but burst into tears every time I thought of each one of my friends realizing that I wasn't going to be there. I thought about how my coach was losing not only a swimmer, but a friend. I thought about my roommate, her ridiculous shyness, and how I couldn't drag her out of the room when she studied for over 6 hours straight. I felt like the woman in the movie, "Something's Gotta Give," when she keeps crying in a scene for like 124385984754 times straight. Things were completely miserable.
But my parents caved. Well, mostly my mom. They couldn't stand seeing me so torn up over it, realized that I, in retrospect, was making progress, and maybe even found the right major this time. It was completely out of their character and I seriously didn't think they were going to budge in this matter.
I am extremely, truly grateful for their decision.

Another update... we're moving... down the street. So, when I say ridiculous amount, it's not an exaggeration. Unlike most college kids, I have to move/pack my college stuff, along with the rest of my HOUSE. I feel like my parents are pushing so hard to get this done before I leave, just to make things suck more for me. Well, maybe not. But it still sucks for me, nonetheless.

I think that wraps everything up for now.

I can't wait to get to the Mountain!

i love sewanee.

2006-07-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I made these up. So bear with me here... hopefully Sewanee kids will get these.

You know you go to Sewanee when….

· You have a different name every time you get caught sneaking into the Res.

· You go to Shenanigan’s at least once a week and spend more money on pitchers than food.

· You have to think about what fraternity/sorority you are in when asked.

· You know that the library isn’t really the best place to study.

· Natty Light should be the tap water.

· You know that a “Crazy Sewanee Night” from Stirling’s is the best cure for a hangover.

· You know you can score free pizza in the observatory on Thursday nights.

· Fall is the season to look forward to.

· You get excited about Wednesday dinners at McClurg.

· You know how to work the Smart Boards better than the professors.

· If it’s a nice day, the professor will most likely give in to having class outside.

· Spring Party weekend is something you look forward to ALL year.

· The best things during exam nights are pancakes from the pub.

· If you’re a science major, Woods is your second home.

· Christmas break is too long.

· You have eaten with your professor at his/her house at least once.

· Weekends aren’t even that exciting because you have the whole week, too.

· You sport your Aviators… at night.

· Dressing up for class is the cool thing to do.

· There are no such things as “relationships,” just consistent hook-ups.

· The place everyone wants to get married is at All Saint’s.

· You’ve climbed/attempted to climb Morgan’s Steep.

· You go the opposite direction that the spiral stairwells at Walsh-Ellot tell you to.

· If you’re in photography, you go to take naps in the black room.

· You’ve wandered out to Green’s View with a couple of friends.

· Every time you make a cell phone call, you have to hide.

· Your door stays unlocked and usually wide open.

· Sewanee’s called “the mountain,” though we all know it’s just a plateau.

· You’ve hit/yelled at/chased/threw random objects at the deer on the side of the road.

· You know Abbo’s Alley like the back of your hand.

· You drive a SUV/European sports car.

· Keith Davis has yelled you at about going in through the back of McClurg.

· The causes of all fire alarms are either drunken people or burnt popcorn.

· You’ve wasted over a minute of your precious time waiting for the one stoplight in Sewanee to change.

· You wear boat shoes/Rainbows/Crocs.

· Your professor is late to lab.

· Getting SPO love makes your day.

· After 8 pm, you have no idea where your roommate is and/or when they will return (if you aren’t with them).

· Wal-Mart completely sells out their stash of fur the day of the Viking Party.

· You remember when Mi Casa used to not card.

· You’ve realized your professor has caught on to your and your classmate’s drinking habits.

· Courts should be a frat house in itself.

· You almost get ran over by a firefighter/EMT who just got a call.

· A Sewanee dog attempts to rip your pant leg off.

· You know that Sewanee IS right.

Um... so, yeah. I will hopefully add more that are a little more amusing.
I reallyreallyreallyreallyreally hope I can go back. If you can't tell already.

Anyway, I will just say that the summer school session was the best experience of my life.
I made new friends, did new things, had a blast, and found my potential new major. Yep, I want to major in Psychology now. Poking and prodding of the brain...ooooo.
And I found that the guy I was pretty much head over heels for either just didn't get it or didn't like me back. Either way, I was too big of a wuss to ever say anything, so being friends is about as far as we'll get, it seems. Oh well, better to keep something worthwhile than making it awkward. That's my motto.
Everything is so perfect for me to return that it makes me sick about the thought of not going back. I scored the nicest dorm with my favoritest person (JOJO!), expecting a kickass upcoming swim team, and finding a subject I am good at and enjoy. It's all come together... I just hope my determination will pay off, even if it is somewhat overdue. *embarassment*

Ugggh.
Hope everyone is having a good summer... yeah...

P.S. - Ohohohhohh. And Warped is coming up. So exciting.
Plus I'm going with Matt. :)
I can't wait for him to get here.

long time, no see?

2006-07-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do believe that is the right title. I haven't posted in over a month. Summer school has engulfed my life a little.
Lo siento.

I went home last weekend and it was quite satisfying. Even though everything didn't go as planned, I still was laughing and smiling so much, which is what matters the most. Alexi is gone now, so a part of me is gone as well. It won't be the same coming home without her there, but I guess I will just have to deal with it and wait around for Christmas. It seems so far away...

I can't believe I only have one more full week of classes left... it's insane. Thankfully, summer school is alot more laid back than the regular semester at Sewanee, so I have lots of free time to have fun and exercise. I really need to get back into shape. It has also made me like Sewanee even more, especially with how iffy I was about it earlier in the year. I found it as an advantage mostly because, since you are in such a small population (compared to the normal year), you get to know people you wouldn't regularly meet. I just hope that I can still be able to keep in touch with them when the normal year starts out again.

And then comes the boy dilemma.
I come here to earn some credits and not worry about any guys, and I still find myself completely and utterly infatuated with this one guy. Why this happens, I don't know. I tried to avoid it and focus on the whole friendship aspect, but I can't help myself.
He's just... everything. He's got it all. He does it all. He's the complete package, yet he's single.
Must be a miracle, right? Ha... that's what I thought until I found myself almost tortured on a daily basis being around him. Mixed signals, galore! One minute he is cracking a smile in my direction with that sparkle in his eye, and the next, he doesn't show interest. I don't even know what to do with myself! It's like a roller coaster being around this guy. My heartbeat is going to be permanently irregular if he keeps this up.
I always find myself head over heels for guys that I just don't know if I can get.
I don't think I can get him... I believe he just sees me as a friend. And sometimes that is the worst thing to know.

Ugh.

And now I'm sick (sniffles and sore throat) and just want to lay in bed all day.
Boo on life.

always up or down; never down and out

2006-06-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in here for a bit, so I found it appropriate to post again.

Yesterday was an overall interesting day. Work started out depressing with doing one of the most gruesome procedures in the practice, but I actually handled it okay. I found that, yes, animals are cute and snuggly, but when it comes to their life, you can't really base things on 'cuteness'. Everything is logical reasoning... and it obviously makes sense. I have really enjoyed shadowing the vet thus far and have realized many different things about the profession. I definitely intend on continuing it when I return.
And I got to feed some bears (yes, pet bears... this lady was loaded) blueberries! That fulfilled my cuteness factor for the day.

Then I went out to the lake with Alexi for bit. She wakeskated, which looks like tons of fun (except bloody knuckles). I think I might try to use my chucks on that thing... haha. I would pimp it out.
I wakeboarded not too much longer afterwards. I was so surprised that I got up so easily and EVERY TIME. Not once did I fail at getting up... I was so proud of myself!!! Oh, then I jumped this wake and faceplanted really hard. My mom thinks I got a concussion. Way to go, me.
I have never experienced that bad of a headache. Ever.

Hopefully, if Alexi can get her bum up and running, we can spend a good amount of time together out on the lake again today. She makes me so happy... I love that girl. I really don't know what I am going to do when I leave, because I know she will be upset, which in turn makes me upset. Upsetness galore... argh.
I am going to miss alot of others, as well.
Hannah and I have gotten so much closer and really has helped me release how I have felt about things. My parents said I needed 'therapy' earlier in the year, but I shoved it away. Now I realize that this is the equivalent to therapy... just talking things out and not holding things back. I am just glad to have someone like her who talks and listens. And to think we were so different not that long ago...
Oh, and Lindsay. That girl is the sweetest thing in the world and I don't know what I am going to do without our runs and being stalked at Char's (eww). And who is she going to go out to Clay's lakehouse with?? I want to hang out with her and also introduce her to Alexi, because I think they would get along great.
And Brudder. Ohhh, I won't have a chess partner for every coffee I get in summer school. Or him and Will to cross the creek with at Finch Park. Poop. At least the ridiculously preppy style of Sewanee will remind me of him. And we definitely have Warped Tour to jam to when I get back... I cannot WAIT! Even though the bands aren't exactly as spectacular as the past years, I think we will still have a blast.
I'll also get to see Matt when I get back. I miss that kid... after that almost 3 hour phone convo, I realized how much I do miss having him around. Plus, he would be super proud of my wakeboarding improvements... and not so proud of my swimming progress so far -oops.
There is someone else I would mention, but they have recently disappointed me (unsurprisingly, though), so that's my list of who I'm really going to miss.

I guess I can look forward to what's in store when I come back...
Only 3 full days left. :[

crap x2

2006-05-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

Okay... so I officially don't want to leave home.
There are so many reasons why I shouldn't go.

I wish I could list them, but they're mostly names....

Summer school sucksucksucksucksucksucksucksucksssss.

How can I live for 6 weeks away from the people I have been the closest to for the majority of my life?? Argggh, it's just not fair.
I guess I can only know that I tried my hardest not to, but I failed. Damnit.

I just don't know what to do with myself right now.
I have also realized that most of my latest blogs have been lacking in words and thoughts. Sorry... I just don't even know what to say. There is just so much to write, yet I can't even find the words to go along with the thoughts swirling through my head. I am also afraid to say alot of things on my mind. My feelings, my infatuations, my sorrow, my happiness... all of it. It's just too much.
I just am glad that people don't always know what I am thinking. I can be so doubtful of things sometimes. They will say something and some negative thought against their statement will pop into my head. Sometimes it is an argument, a retort, even a joke. It is slightly depressing, yet it is how I think. Unfortunately, it is only to guard myself from any hopes of a better life. I always feel there is no way for things to eventually come together for me.
But I want it so bad.

2 days until my better half is here. Thank goodness.

strangers.

2006-05-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

So I guess there is nothing left... I can only look forward to the few days I have here before summer school.

I just hate feeling unwanted. It is a truly horrible feeling and that is why I keep doubting myself. Nothing good could ever come out of anything I attempt.
Love is something that will never be achieved. I guess I will learn to accept that fact.

It was good visiting my roommate. I realized how much I missed her and that she is a large part in my life now, especially after spending so much time with her in the past. We can read each other so well and always have something to laugh about. I am just glad that I lucked out in the roommate department, unlike many of my classmates. I'd do about anything for her, and hopefully she would do the same for me.

June 1st. I need you. now.

done

2006-05-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

I officially give up.

I'm tired of this... I really am.

phone call.

2006-05-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Funny how after last summer, I figured I had milked every good thing there was left out of Lexington... yet I am amazed to still find something new (and awesome). Crazy little world, it is.

I am exhuasted from just today's events. I was so worried sick about my Calc exam today that I didn't really fall asleep until about 5 this morning. Approximately 5 hours later, Tyler practically dragged me out of my bed, where we studied for 3 hours straight. I was about braindead the majority of the time, so I am not really sure how much material I comprehended, but I tried.
The exam wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (I KILLED that related rates problem!), but knowing my luck, I still won't do well in the class. I guess all I can do is hope.

After a spontaneous trip yesterday with Thy and a weird occurance on the way back, I have learned some creepy stuff about this campus... *shudders* ... whoaaa.

Anyway... I am about to hit the sack, but I just wanted to let my avid readers know that I have completed two exams, have one to go on Tuesday evening (and a poem due by Wednesday), then it's home free! I arrive in Lex Vegas on Thursday evening.

Can't wait to get home and see all my lovelies... <33333 (sorry, had to be cliche... you know you love me).

running away, so far away

2006-05-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

I can't stay
I can't stay with you here...

Though I wish I could.

Once again, I am weighing out the good vs. bad of leaving Sewanee. I know that it is going to be an AWESOME summer, but there is a part of me that is reluctant to leave. I won't get to see my Jojo, won't have trails around me, and I sure as hell won't have a bunch of smart people around me. It's so nice to be able to hold an intelligent conversation and not feel, well, dumb.
Also, it will be a few months before I get to see Tyler again, and that makes me really sad. He's so much fun to hang out with that I really don't know what I am going to do without him. It will be odd knowing that he's even further than 6 hours away, and that he can't spontaneously drive down to see me (while swerving and about hitting people on the way... crazy ass). I'm going to miss those green eyes and that cute smile... I sure hope we stay in touch. You will never know how much you mean to me.
Oh, and on to the swim team... what am I going to do without having breakfast with Joey every Mon/Wed/Fri??? I am ready for swim season to start again next semester already... there are some great girls coming in and I can't wait to have a season with them. I can't wait for Florida and I sure as heck can't wait for another conference meet. As sad as it is, it seems I am encouraging time to move fast. That is not what I want, but I am looking forward to so much next year. Jo and I already have our room planned out and everything...
Yet, I have this summer planned out perfectly, as well. I just hope everything goes according to plan, and it will be the best summer yet... every summer tends to get better.

...I just hope Alexi and I can stay out of trouble. Highly doubtful.

10 days.

feelings are so overrated

2006-04-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should write something, and I have a shitload to say, but I just don't even know where to begin or how to say it all.

1. You're fucking crazy. Like crazier than me... and that's saying something.
I'm not going to argue against your future plans, but I just hope that's what you really want to do.
You know who you are.
Psssh...likeyoucare.

2. Hub... don't beat yourself over this. Things will get better and you know you did everything for the best. You are a caring and honest person, and everyone should value that about you.
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..." - The Fray

3. I am about to fucking flip out over all theses tests and papers... the worst part is that my past swim prospective (who rocks, by the way) is coming back to make her final decision between here and Depauw (booooo...), and will have to stay with someone else because I am tanked with work. Plus, my roommate has NO work... none. So she is just strutting around the room with nothing to do.

4. I just want summer to be here. There's so many people to see, people...er... I mean... things to do, music to listen to, and lakehouses to chill on. And I miss my best... she truly IS the best. This summer is going to be incredible if all goes to plan.

5. I am stoked for Warped Tour. Both of them... yeeeeeeeeessss!!!!!!!

...I still feel like I have something to say, but I can't put my finger on it, so toodles for now kids.

what is trust

2006-04-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

My trust issues are making my insides itch again... it keeps bothering me.
Maybe I don't trust you when you're away. I want to. And though I feel like I can, something inside keeps saying, "...what if...?"
I just keep thinking about what happened, what you could be hiding, what you could be doing.
Maybe I am just paranoid and need to stop, but I can't help but wonder... and can't help but be terrified of getting hurt.
I'm tired of it.
And I don't even want to go home anymore. Nowhere is fucking safe.
Not here, not home, not anywhere. My heart is constantly vulnerable.

I seriously need to find a new lifestyle or something.

Am I your match, or just a flame in the fire?

how to save a life

2006-04-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

choas

2006-04-12T17:38:00.000-07:00

Complications
My claim to fame
And I can’t believe there’s another
Constantly just another
I can’t avoid what I can’t control
And I’m losing ground
Still I can’t stand down
And I know
Yeah I know
Yeah...

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
And everything around is breaking down to chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
After all the letdowns I’ve been through
Haunted by what I’ve been through
Best to try while I still can breathe
And I’m screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know
Yeah I know
Yeah...

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is breaking down to chaos
I know you stay
I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is breaking down to chaos
I know you stay...

misery loves me

2006-04-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

So, my cat of almost 14.5 years was put down today...
I loved him so much. I remember the days when he was so small, he would escape through a fence hole. It's not going to be the same without my Poobs brushing affectionately against my legs and murmuring his funny meow at me, while staring up with those large yellow eyes. I couldn't imagine what it was like to not have that spark in his eye. Even at the age he was, he still had that same energy in him. He did such a great job of hiding his sickness when looking into that cute whiskered face, but his ribs showed otherwise.
This past weekend was probably the closest thing I had to a vacation in a long time, and it was incredible. I realize that people will always care about me, no matter who I'm with or where I am. You guys are the best. I wish I was closer in the summer...
Even though my mother tells me that she doesn't think I should return to Sewanee, I feel so attached here. There is nothing better than standing off the edge of a stone balcony, overlooking the campus when dimly lit at night. Even without the colorful decorations of spring, the campus is gorgeous. The wind played with my stray hairs that escaped from my ponytail and my mp3 player set the mood perfectly. I would rather be nowhere else... this place is a part of me now.
I don't want to go home. It's just not worth it.

I love you Poobs... always. I know you are at a better place now.

i'm buying more matches.

2006-04-10T13:07:00.001-07:00

I'm lighting matches off of you
And burning bridges all for you
Their fires made a perfect view
Of what seemed to be your mouth

I'm letting loose one more regret
The two of us never looked so bad
I've watched the changes through your eyes
Like a movie for all my life

I'm lighting matches off of you
And building changes all for you
Their fires made a perfect view
Of what seemed to be your mouth

I'm letting loose one more regret
The two of us never looked so bad
I've watched the changes through your eyes
Like a movie of my life

God, this makes me sick to say
But theres one more regret -
The two of us never felt so right.

hip hip ... hooray!

2006-04-04T22:49:00.000-07:00

SO.... we got into St. Lukes!! I can't believe it! What are the odds of THAT?!? Ahh.
Thank goodness my roomie's an ER and thank goodness for good luck. Wooo.

I wanna go to the lake this weekend... hopefully that will be the case. :)
Gotta prospie for Experience Weekend on Friday. Hope things go well and hope that it isn't long, so I can go out on the lake.
Did I mention that I wanted to go to the lake? Yeah...

This past weekend was fun! Even though mother nature hated us, it was still good times.

Sometimes you just be like ... DAMMMN.

amnesia, really need ya...

2006-03-28T14:25:00.000-08:00

WOOT. This weekend is going to be fuunnn.

First, there is a good band playing at Stirling's on Friday night. They aren't a well known band, and they are just playing cover songs, but good ones! Anyway, I am down for some good music.
Saturday night is pink panties party with the team (yey!!... I miss them), which is pretty much pregaming for ATO's Harley party. I wouldn't be surprised if half the team doesn't even make it to ATO (esp after the last pink panties... oh god).
Then... Sunday. :) Yeyyy... I think I might have a visitor and it's going to be good times.

Alot of things I was indecisive about have pretty much cleared and I have my mind set on things that need to be done. I am going to be home this summer. And Alexi and I are going to have a hell of a time.
It hurts me sooo much that she is home and I am not with her. I have called her about twice a day, especially when I get frustrated with work, because her voice and goofiness always makes the weight and stress go away. I'd do anything to be with her right now instead of here, but alas, it is college... and I must be here.

Hopefully Lizzy and I will go swimming this week. I need it.

Bleh! ;)

2006-03-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I feel the love.

poke

2006-03-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

I'm back!

I love Alexi!

I just went on a ridiculous poking frenzy!!

collapse

2006-03-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

After hiding it for so long, people are actually noticing it. I'm crumbling.

I'm falling apart.
I have no self-esteem.
I down myself.
I have contemplated suicide.
I'm not happy.

But I'm okay... I always am.

I need you.

worst offender

2006-03-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You're the first
The worst
Offender
Plus you're enough to fill
This page and bleed onto the next
Full of things that I need
Off my chest

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got a picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should i do
I'll forget you

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You don't care if you offend her
Plus you're enough to kill
This page and bleed onto the next
Full of things that I need
Off my chest

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got a picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should i do
I'll forget you

I'll forget you

Even know the path is undecided
I'll walk back if I have to
And all stay there for so long
Until I start to hear you screaming
You know I do what I want to

I want to

Speak to me now
And tell me what you need
You want her to leave
Cause your love life's lacking
I got her picture on my wall
She knows all the words I sing
You don't even know
What it feels like to need
One person this much
Cause you're always running from them
I hate this so much
What should I do
I'll forget you

I found some peace of mind
In things that drive me crazy
You're the first
The worst
Offender


Sometimes lyrics say it best...

oops.

2006-03-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

There I go, running my mouth again... except I actually said it. And got myself in trouble.
I seriously have never ever said anything rude to a teacher/professor before, even ones I've disliked, but I think I really went overboard on this. I am really scared of even walking back into the classroom with him again. I think the worst part is that he's actually a really good professor and I understand him even better than the other. I just am so frustrated right now and have no idea what to do, that I just took it out on someone who shouldn't even know what's going on in my life or have to hear it, for that matter.

I officially suck at life.

ARRRGGH.

i can barely contain myself...

2006-03-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

I have to say it. I'm sorry...

You're hot.
Your pictures give me goosebumps.
You hurt, you're so fucking stunning.
You're on fire.
You're incredibly sexy.
You're... you're ridiculously attractive.
I couldn't take my eyes off you.
You're magnetic.
You're dangerously addictive.
My eyes yearn for you.
You're on my mind too much.
I can't help it, because I feel like I lost my chance.
Damn, I hate distance.
Knowing my luck, I'll never see you again.
Okay... I'm done.

... you stole the air from my chest at first sight.

I feel like I have lost my trust for the majority of the friends I really thought I could rely on. And suprisingly, the majority of my new friends are more trustworthy. I guess I will have to open up quicker and hope they won't abandon me.
This push causes me to be more insecure.
Apologies accepted - it's still awkward.
I don't think anything will be the same...

drop your glasses, this isn't a toast

2006-03-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

I give up. I give up on everyone.

I need a mason, because more walls are to be built.

Bastards.

massive confusion

2006-03-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

You'd think with a title like that, I would have alot to say, but I don't even know if there is anything to say.
I'm confused.

I can't wait until break so I can see my brudder, Wiiiillll, Erica, Lindsay, and, of course, Alexi. Even though I will only get to see her for a total of a few hours, it will improve my life tremendously. Weight always lifts from my shoulders when I am around her. I forget all of the bad things because she is always in this positive mindset. It's always, "let's go have fun" or just constant laughter. Cheerwine and mac and cheese always helps, as well. I miss her so much and I know this summer is going to be an absolute blast.

:) ... just think about summer and everything will be okay.

EDIT:
Thank goodness I have a loving and caring hubby who is there to listen to my moments of confusion. You're wonderful and don't know what I'd do without you... I'm always here for you, as well. I miss you and wish I could see you soon.

call me what you like

2006-03-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

I still feel like a cold-hearted bitch for what I did, but I believe that it would have ended up being one-sided. I guess I should lay low in the guy department for a while... this was a reality check that ended with two people hurt. ... Yes, TWO people. Some people see me smiling or laughing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I am happy. I have to wake up every morning with the realization that I am still torn inside, with the potential of never being fully mended. I constantly ask myself if I will ever be able to commit myself to anyone again. I am sure that, with time, I will be able to control that sick feeling that eats away at my stomach and my shaking hands when the word "relationship" comes around... but, for now, I oddly find myself more secure being alone. No, not in the arms of someone, but knowing that I don't have that risk of me fucking up or breaking someone's heart (even though I did, anyway).
I am just so tired of being numb. I want to feel again... I want to love again.

*sigh*

oh, catullus

2006-03-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred more,
Another thousand, a second hundred or two,
A thousand and still a hundred hundred more.
Then when we have kissed a thousand thousand times
Let the countless number fly away before we pause
Counting, nor let some envious eye devise a plot
Knowing that so many kisses can be kissed.

stay where i can see you

2006-03-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

For months you've been away
You're here a couple days
I've got all of the time in the world
To do with what we please
If it were up to me
We'd have all of the time in the world

Just stay right where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

I can name all 50 states
48 get in the way
From me being next to you
If it were up to me
We'd have everything we need
You'd have me
And I'd have you

Just stay right where I could be
Anyone you want
I'm glad I got the job
We've got something in mind
And I've got all this time

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

Just stay right where I can see you
Just stay right where I can
Where I can see you
When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the...

When you go away I get so low
Like temperatures when they're at their coldest
Once you go away I get so lonely
When you go away I get so lonely
And I'm stranded by the side of the bed

forgive me but i can't be everything you deserve

2006-02-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

I want to kick you in your stupid face right now... you fucked up everything for me, even in the long run. It may have felt like so long ago, but the scars still remain.

I hate being insecure.
He was perfect.
You ruined it.

Fuck you.

Hey
Did you hear about my mistakes
I never thought you'd see me looking down...

move along

2006-02-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

Home was great.

It was a break from the toil of college and the stress of the atmosphere there. The best of my friends even came back and that made it the best. Brudder was right when saying that no matter how you think that your college friends are going to become closer to you than your friends from home, it never happens. Don't get me wrong, I have had some fun experiences at college, but the feeling when I am with my friends from home is irreplaceable. You don't have to hold back, because they know everything about you anyway. I feel like a real person around them. They help me bring me back to who I am whenever I am around them. They make me feel like home. If any of them ever visited me up here, I know that a little piece of home would be with me, and that is like a miracle. The scent of home, the views, the roads, the memories, but mostly the friends. They will never change... and if they do, they always go back to the way they were when they are home. Home scars you in the best way. I am proud of the scars that home has left on me. I show them with pride.
It is those times you know who your real friends are, and that they will always be there for you. They were the people who made me cry when I left, even though I hated my town with every inch of my body.
I sometimes wish I wasn't so far from home...

When everything is wrong
We move along...

hmmm...

2006-02-22T19:11:00.000-08:00

I will always be curious as to how you really feel...

I am sure I have used these lyrics numerous, numerous times on here, but...

Forgive me but I can't be everything you deserve
And I know it's too late to crawl back to you tonight
But there's a few things that I just need you to know
Like the way I felt when we were close
And how the stars explode every time you are near.

I can NOT wait to go home.

caring is creepy.

2006-02-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

So... I could just lay down and die right now because I feel like complete SHIT. This is a horrible cold. If I'm not coughing, my nose is running; if my nose isn't running, it's stopped up; if it's stopped up, I'm coughing and then maybe it's running, too.
I can't wait to go home this weekend. I wanna see my Alfie Boy and sleep in my own bed... that will be the cure. Everytime I feel just completely miserable, I wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me - if this is more than a cold. Sure, swim season is over... but the lack of exercise definitely doesn't help my immune system. The worst part is I WANT to do something, but I can't because I feel so bad. Grrr.

*wipes nose* I just hate being sick.

Early bedtime?

valentine?

2006-02-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

Happy VALENTINE'S Day aka Singles Awareness Day... (sorta)

I miss swimming already. This girl on our team gave me a huge hug today in the hall and was like, "IT'S BEEN 2 DAYS!!" It is sad how close we become. One of the guys on the swim team even gave every girl on the team flowers... now THAT'S what a guy should be doing.

I am trying to continue the ab workouts, because all I have been doing is working, eating, and sleeping. I have got to start running or something. I don't want Mr. Pudge coming to visit me. He's very unwelcome.

I still have a shitload of work. And I just finished watching a movie...

Yeahhh... that's about it.
Hope everyone's V-day is a good one! :)

scac

2006-02-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

Well.... *takes a deep breath*

The conference meet was long, tiring, and VERY interesting.
First and foremost, both our guys and girls got 3rd in the conference, so that was pretty exciting. Rose-Hulman was only 7 pts away from putting our guys to shame, but we pulled out. I think coach was relieved, but not overjoyed, especially since we got 2nd last year. I don't know if this will happen, but I HOPE that we win conference once in my swimming career at Sewanee.
I ended up returning to every evening swimming session, which means I was top 16 in all of my individual events, even 200 IM! I seriously wasn't expecting that... I dropped 9 seconds from what the psyche sheet said. I ended up getting 16th (hehehe) in that, but hey, not too bad, considering I have only swam it like 3 times this season. I dropped 2 seconds on my 100 breast and placed 10th, while dropping 10 seconds in the 200 breast and got 9th. I did better in my breaststroke events, but still just missed making the final heat. I was sort of upset, but what looks better - first/second in the consolation heat, or absolutely last in the finals?? Ahhh... I dunno.
I saw a couple of people I knew from other schools, and that sure brought back alot of memories. The person that really got me was Landon... that kid turned out to be pretty awesome. I wasn't sure if he was going to even talk to me, especially since he had a girlfriend. But not even my first 5 minutes on deck and I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around to that smile that used to be blurred and undetailed from pictures and looked at his deep caramel eyes. It was him, and he was real. He was exactly how he was on the phone and via email. His voice, his personality... it was all so real and so accurate. I wonder if I seemed any different in person. After every race, especially if I was upset, he would wait for me at the edge of the pool while I was warming down, just to get a few words in. Considering how we kind of "met," this was a drastic change of how I would see him in person. I sure hope we keep in touch.
Annnnddd there were plenty of other things that happened at conference, but haha... there's just sooo much.
Now that I had so much fun at confernce, I have to spend the next week and a half making up work. Ickkypoo. :(

[I can name all 50 states
48 get in the way
From me being next to you]

I need a nap.

a casus

2006-02-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have ultimately lost respect for you. I thought you cared a little more about yourself.

..who feels love?

the answer

2006-02-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

My comforts drop and melt away like snow:
I shake my head, and all the thoughts and ends,
Which my fierce youth did bandy, fall and flow
Like leaves about me: or like summer friends,
Flies of estates and sunshine. But to all,
Who think me eager, hot, and undertaking,
But in my prosecutions slack and small;
As a young exhalation, newly waking,
Scorns his first bed of dirt, and means the sky;
But colling by the way, grows pursy and slow,
And settling to a cloud, doth live and die
In that dark state of tears: to all, that so
Show me, and set me, I have one reply,
Which they that know the rest, know more than I.

-- George Herbert

shniff

2006-01-31T22:19:00.000-08:00

This is for my hubby, who deserves the many smiles he gives me. :)

wham!

2006-01-31T21:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I don't know what to think of all of this. When situations come and smack you in the face all at once, it can be overwhelming. I can't think anymore. I try to do Latin, try to read Biology, but I can't help but think about what's happening. My life back home is crumbling and I am not there to save it. I can only sit alone outside, watch my warm breath in short gasps escape my mouth into the cold air, and feel my once hot tears turn cold against my cheek. I am tired of this, so tired...

I've got my things
I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation's come and gone too late
There's so much sun where I'm from
I had to give it away
Had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family's old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell
Perfect...

Hours pass
And she still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised
Bruised
And don't fly fast
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks
I walk the aisle
I take my pills
The babies cry
All I hear is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
And I
And I am
Finally waking up

Hours pass
And she still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised
Bruised
Don't fly fast
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady now
Cause every inch you see is bruised
Yeah

So read your books
But stay out late
Some nights
Some nights
And don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here
Since the bad news
Well I'm here till close
With fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far

And hours pass
And hours pass

She still counts the minutes
That I am not there
I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised
Bruised
And don't fly fast
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady now
Cause every inch you see is bruised
Bruised
Bruised.

indeed.

2006-01-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

so...

2006-01-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

Kapone officially broke up.

'Tis a sad, sad day.

http://www.kaponeband.com

maybe you've been waiting...

2006-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

..for a decent post. I know that most of them have consisted of these little surveys that really mean nothing, but I just haven't found anything good to put on here.

So now I think I am ready to scatter my thoughts onto the table.
My shoulder has gotten better, but it still likes to remind me of its gimpiness here and there. There is this huge buildup to the conference meet (about 2 1/2 wks from now), which makes me slightly nervous. There are going to be so many different teams and we are one of the top teams there. This throws alot of expectation on us... especially for improvement from this moment until then. There's not that much time and I still haven't improved like I had hoped. I am still feeling the fatigued effects of Florida, but there are a few elements of hope in my stroke. Coach also decided to put me in the 200 IM, which is an event I haven't consistently done since high school. I did it yesterday and it felt so awful. I had almost forgotten how painful it was to swim. As much pressure there is from the swim team, I am just trying to focus in class.
Which is why I am not rushing. Considering the campus here is 90% greek, it gets pretty annoying to tell people that. They look at you like you are insane and immediately ask "WHY?"
To be honest, I would be more up to joining a fraternity before a sorority. I hate being around a bunch of girls, especially when they are extremely intoxicated and stupid. Not my idea of fun, sorry. Now I am not trying to say that being around extremely intoxicated GUYS is any more fun, but the fraternities here are much more interesting than the sororities. Hell, I know EXACTLY which fraternity I would join. My Latin exam got moved to another day because of house visits, which I think is complete bullshit, as well. This time of year, everyone is so fucking worked up about which house they got into, I wouldn't be suprised if the overall population's grades slip (even if it's only the beginning of the semester). Talk about a great first impression in class.
And then there's the last thing that is bugging the shit out of me.... ME. There's this guy I like alot and we have a ridiculous amount in common, but I am too big of a wimp to just tell him how I feel. I just wish I could get up the courage, but everytime I think I can do it, I just can't get it out. There's these words just bursting inside of me, but my mouth refuses to open. It's one of those things where you ask/tell yourself, "What do you have to lose?" or "Life is too short to let an opportunity pass you." And as I rebuke myself constantly about it, I still can't get up the nerve to say what I think. It's driving me insane. And the worst part is, this guy is just an all around nice guy, so you don't know if he's just being - well - NICE or throwing out subtle hints of interest. It's seriously eating me from the inside out.
I noticed since I have been in college, I have become much more outgoing, but all it takes is just ONE person to clam me up.

guilty?

2006-01-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

Singing in the shower?: guilty

Dancing in the rain?: guilty

Left the stove on?: guilty

Ate Stale food?: guilty

Spit in someone's Drink?: innocent

Stole Something from a friend?: guilty

Played with Barbies? guilty

Kissed your posters of your favorite stars?: guilty

Listened to stupid music and said you like it?: guilty

Made someone cry?: guilty

Opened your Christmas presents early?: guilty

Found money, and didn't turn it in?: guilty

Gave money to a homeless person?:guilty

Thought "Star Wars" was cool?: guilty

Had a super-hero costume?: innocent

Lied to protect a friend?: guilty

Broken a bone?: guilty

Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?: innocent

Played a Computer game for more than 5 hours?: guilty

Dyed your hair a color from the rainbow: innocent

Hugged your mom in the past 24 hours?: innocent

...Have you Ever...

Ran through the sprinklers?: guilty

Ran through the sprinklers naked?: innocent

Went outside naked?: innocent

Flashed somebody?: innocent

Been on stage?: guilty

Been in a parade?: guilty

Drank beer?: innocent

Went to work w/ a hangover?: innocent

Gotten detention?: guilty

Gotten suspended?: innocent

Gotten expelled?: innocent

Been on a plane?: guilty

Been on a cruise?: innocent

Traveled out of the country?: guilty

Swam in the ocean?: guilty

Nearly died once?: innocent

Liked a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend?: guilty

Cheated on a test?: guilty

Broken into a house?: innocent

Stolen from your own family?: innocent

Ate spoiled food by accident?: guilty

Ate spoiled food on purpose?: innocent

Ate food you dropped on the floor?: guilty

Laughed at a funeral?: innocent

Watched somebody's death?: innocent

Killed somebody?: innocent

Gotten a tattoo?: innocent

Gotten piercings?: guilty

Fired a gun?: guilty

Gotten into a fist fight?: innocent

Swallowed sea/pool water?: guilty

Swallowed sea/pool water on purpose?: innocent

Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?: guilty

Laughed so hard it hurt?: guilty

Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: innocent

Seen a live birth?: innocent

Delivered a baby/animal?: innocent

Had an imaginary friend?: guilty

Fell down a whole flight of stairs?: innocent

Tripped on stairs?: guilty

Tripped on your own feet?: guilty

Cried yourself to sleep?: guilty

Cried in public?: innocent

Thrown up in public?: innocent

Lied to your parents?: guilty

Skipped school?: innocent

Hit an animal with your vehicle?: guilty

Been one who helped another cheat?: guilty

Cried so hard you threw up?: innocent

Given a wet willy to someone?: guilty

Gotten a wet willy?: guilty

Been in Love?:: guilty

every inch of me is bruised

2006-01-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

This is what broken hope and a potentially fucked up rotator cuff looks like.

training trip

2006-01-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so I am in Florida getting tan and toned. W00t.

There's not much to say other than my worst fear has finally occurred. My left shoulder finally called it quits with excruciating pain. Of course, it had to happen during my training trip...
My body really likes to fuck up during the worst times. Never fails.
I am scared to see what the future holds for my swimming career now... :(

It seems like my body is falling apart. I have also been hoarse for the past 2 days, and it's almost quite funny. I called my dad earlier and he didn't even know who I was. It was pretty crazy. The worst part is that I sound HORRIBLE, but feel perfectly fine. My fever dwindled away days ago, it's just I get sympathy now when I sound bad. That's how it always works.

Other than all that shit, I am actually trying to enjoy my time down here in Florida.

bleh.

countdown...

2005-12-27T17:52:00.000-08:00

10 FIRSTS.....

FIRST BEST FRIEND(s): Tia Davis
FIRST SCREEN NAME: equuswebsteruus
FIRST PIERCING: Ears
FIRST CRUSH: Sam Jordan (hahaha)
FIRST CD: Destiny's Child
FIRST CAR: Cam Cam
FIRST TRUE LOVE: Austin
FIRST STUFFED ANIMAL: Can't remember back that far... but I do have Cobalt!
FIRST FAVORITE TV SHOW: Power Rangers? I dunno... haha
FIRST TEACHER: Mrs. Mason

NINE LASTS...

LAST ALCHOHOLIC BEVERAGE: Smirfnoff Twisted Black Cherry
LAST CAR RIDE: From DC ... ugghhh
LAST MOVIE SEEN: Fun with Dick and Jane
LAST PHONE CALL: Alexi
LAST CD PLAYED: Yellowcard
LAST BUBBLE BATH: It's been a while... in dire NEED.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED: Few days ago
LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED: Few minutes ago most likely
LAST TIME YOU FELL: Um... I have pretty good balance *trips over own feet*

EIGHT "HAVE YOU EVER"S...

HAVE YOU EVER DATED ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS: When he was a best friend, yes.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED: No.
HAVE YOU EVER SKINNY DIPPED: No.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV: Not sure.
HAVE YOU EVER KISSED SOMEONE AND THEN REGRETED IT: Yes, yes, and yes.
HAVE YOU EVER PURPOSEFULLY TEASED: Yes.
HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED: Never.
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE: Yes.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING...

1. Space and Air Museum T shirt
2. Lucky Jeans (lucky you...)
3. Socks
4. Silver cuff
5. "Music for All" wristband
6. Canada necklace :)
7. Leaf ring

SIX THINGS YOU DID YESTERDAY...

1. Went to the Air and Space Museum
2. Ate out Chinese
3. Got up way too early
4. Stood outside in the cold
5. Had hot chocolate with my mom
6. Missed home

FIVE THINGS YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT...

1. Friends
2. Chocolate
3. Alexi
4. Sleep
5. Cobalt

FOUR BANDS THAT MEAN the most to you...

1. Daphne Loves Derby
2. Oasis
3. Yellowcard
4. Jamisonparker

THREE CHOICES...

1. HOT OR COLD: Hot
2. BLACK OR WHITE: Black
3. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Go back to Europe
2. Have 2 children

ONE THING YOU Regret: Denying the best thing I ever had.

yeah.

2005-12-26T14:04:00.000-08:00

Woohoohoo...

It's all been done.

liberation

2005-12-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

1.) Everything is grood.

2.) I heart Christmas. :) Such a happy time of year.

3.) Sorta miss my Sewanee kids...

4.) Snow would be nice.

5.) I am adored.

sometimes...

2005-12-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

No matter how much you think things are going okay, you wait for everything to crash in your face. It's like, after a while, you come to expect disappointment, and when it doesn't come... you just wait. The sad part is that you don't want it to come, yet you are still waiting for it. It's like when you're a little kid and you go to the doctor's office. You know you are going to have to get that shot, and all you can do is wait for it to come. Sometimes it just stings, while other times you think you are going to keel over and die in pain. There's no way around it - life is full of disappointments, but isn't there a due date for these things?
What I am really trying to say is that I am waiting for me to fuck up again, like I always do.

I'm hoping to do well on all exams. Because I know I can.

here's everything i've always meant to say

2005-12-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Just be in love
And I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted
Just close your eyes
I’ll still live as if I’m dying

If I don’t
Make your heart
Skip a beat
Then hate me
If I don’t
Make you feel anything
Then it’s me

I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life

Just close your eyes
And I’ll kiss you like there’s no tomorrow

If I don’t
Make your heart
Skip a beat
Then hate me
If I don’t
Make you feel
Anything
Then it’s me

I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life

So sleep now
So deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close
To the fourwall headlights
And TV screens

I just want you to feel
Beautiful
For once in your life

I have made a new friend. :)

why.

2005-11-25T16:39:00.000-08:00

One of my old childhood friends died in a car crash yesterday afternoon.

I don't know what to say. It's so hard to feel anything when you can't believe it's real. The worst part is, the last time I saw him, he still had a young face with innocent eyes. He was just beginning to live and was so sweetly ignorant to the pains of the world. Now, he has added to that pain. All we can do is mourn over how someone with so much potential couldn't even show it. It always makes you wonder how they would have turned out, and if you could have seen them just a little longer before they were gone, would you? Would you have wanted to stay with him, even if you knew you would never see him again? Or would it hurt worse? There seems to be no mercy left in this world, stealing the lives from the young. He was one of the better examples of people his age, yet the same common mistake cost him his death. It makes you dread the moment any one of your friends gets into that car and leaves. Thinking about it makes me feel guilty everytime I complain about how horrible my life is going, because at least I have the chance to make up for it and continue on. He never got the chance. It's these things that never make sense and it's times like these that you are slapped in the face by reality. You realize that you aren't always invincible to the chances of life. Everything becomes painfully real. He's gone.
Someone compared him to a supernova... and I suppose it is accurate. When you look into a telescope, supernova's are the first thing that catches your eye. They never last long, so you can only appreciate the beauty of it while it lasts. He shined so bright, but burned out quickly. And even when it's gone, people can still see its aftermath in the night sky... that area still glows.
In our hearts, he will always glow.

Cherish life. It is too precious to take for granted.

R.I.P. William Nathanial Peeler (6/1/1989-11/24/2005)

the town that you live in

2005-11-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

I must say
It's a nice day
When the leaves start to turn
There is so much to learn
From the freeway
You're my friend
For the weekend
When the spring comes around
You can show me the town
That you live in

And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life

I must say
It's a nice day
With the flowers in bloom
There is so much to view
From the freeway
And we're friends
For the weekend
And when the fall comes around
You can show me the town
That you live in

And tonight I walk through an empty street
With my shadow stretching in front of me
When my lonely thoughts meet my lonely feet
And the cold reminds me that I've chosen this life

So hang up the phone
Cause you're probably better alone.. .

lost in the crowd

2005-11-09T01:37:00.000-08:00

So....... tonight. At 7. The Brewery. In Raleigh, NC. Daphne Loves Derby is playing. And I won't be there. Fuck.

This makes me quite upset, considering the minute I was first introduced to their music, I have had a thirst for it almost every minute of the day. They have a new album out and the music on it is fucking incredible. It was then I realized that, at this moment in my life, I live for music. I can't go a day without it. It's what helps me cry, helps me laugh, and helps me concentrate (believe it or not). I can relate to almost every song I have and can express how I feel the most through lyrics. There is no better way to put it than singing it out to the entire world.
Granted, my voice sucks, but I still hum to myself alot. It's almost those moments where I feel like I am going to lose sanity where a song pops into my head, and I am okay again. My arms move to the rhythm of the song in my head (or in the water) when I swim, my feet move to the bass thumping through my skull when I'm at my desk, and my soul sways with the sweet melodies of song. I can't imagine a day without hearing any type of music. There is not a day that exists.

Needless to say, I live, breathe, love music.

change of seasons

2005-11-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

I love fall...

And I would do ANYTHING to see DLD this Wed. Hannah, you are so fucking lucky.

stuck in america

2005-11-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

We had a swim meet today. We have one tomorrow morning. Son of a bitch.

I'm tired. And feel empty and invisible again. You only smile in one direction and it's not towards me. I think I should just give up. Because there really is nothing to hope for.

Maybe this will all go away.
I want to cry over nothing. Because you're nothing.

But I am so tired of days that feel like the night...

enough

2005-11-01T01:55:00.000-08:00

If I could transfer to NCSU tomorrow, I would do it, no questions asked.

all that's left

2005-10-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

I want this to work.
I want to come home and be able to smile and see you. I don't want to come home and know that it would only hurt to see you (or most likely not see you). I tried to be there for you as a friend, supporting you and trying to pull you up from the ground, but it's as if you won't budge. And as I sob in frustration in front of you, it seems you just turn and look the other way, avoiding my care for you. Well, dammit, I care. And maybe that's a mistake on my part, but will continue to refuse to believe it's a mistake. All I want is for you to be happy and that is obviously not happening. I miss how you used to give me the time of day to have a conversation. Now, I feel like I do all the talking and you never respond. I miss the messages in the morning that made every day worth waking up for. You know me... communication is key. And that part has dropped off the map. Where are you? Where is the person that I met months before who was happy, proud of who he was, and appreciative of everything he had? Where is the person that gave back more than I could ever return and left me smiling, day after day? Where did he go...? The minute I returned from the break, everything changed. I want to know where that person I once knew went. Did he jump into the lake that we sat at? Is he still sitting, alone, at the top of that parking garage? I really don't know. But I wish he could come back. I am not asking you to be a different person, I just want you to be happy. And as I recall, when I first met you, you were happy... and that's the person I became closest to. You can throw me away and forget about me. But just be happy before it's all over with.

And I know it's too late
To crawl back to you tonight
But there's a few things that
I just need you to know
Like the way I felt
When we were close
And how the stars explode
Everytime you are near

please...

2005-10-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

You and I
Cold February night
It's been a half an hour
Taking sweet time saying our goodbyes
One minute more
GO

The best day of my life
Is all thanks to you
Precious remembrance sickle rainy day on February
Few scenes from my life or moments
Mean more to me than our fine nights
I remember like yesterday
The time of my life

Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
As week days and week days ran once
I'll be found staring back in time

2-12-99 at the stroke of midnight
Holding you tight
Your body and mine
In February

Few scenes from my life or moments
Mean more to me than our fine nights
I remember like yesterday
The time of my life

Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Please don't leave me
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye

Let's travel back in time.

the walls all melt to the ground

2005-10-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I woke from my nap with a short sneeze. The air reeked of mixed ammonia, causing me to realize that the cleaning people had come and gone, without my knowledge. They usually chatter about the recent gossip of Hollywood stars and other superficial icons, but they did their work, silent and swift. I looked at the clock. Four minutes before the time I set for my alarm to go off. Things tend to go this way. It was a Thursday morning, almost afternoon, and I was barely stirring. I covered my head with the sheets and sunk down into the comfort of my bed - just for a minute - to gain energy to roll out of my sanctuary of slumber. Under the covers, I opened my eyes to see the beams of light seeping through the small holes of the fabric shielding me, and it was inevitable that the day was calling once again. School, work, and grueling hours of study were summoning me to my desk and to class. In a little over an hour, I would be sitting at that crowded table, racking my brains to remember the conjugations of the pluperfect form of the given verb. I wonder what my parents would think of me hiding under the covers, just for a little bit of peace and procrastination from the world of studious labor.
I was so used to having a laid-back, rushed lifestyle only a few months ago. I looked at my now pale skin on my arms and remembered when it was delightfully brown and smooth. My hair was darker and much shorter, having lost its spotaneous streaks of blonde that made it so unique. People were convinced it was highlighted, but I could only thank the sun for them, and the job was free. The summer was such a relaxed but strict schedule, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I was rarely at home, actually having a crazy social life that had me on my phone and in my car constantly. The evenings on the lake were always magical, no matter how many times you experienced it. Watching the sun set, the light sparkling against the slow and smooth wake, catching your eye like a clean cut diamond under a display lamp. The water was so dark and soothing, making music that could easily lull me to sleep by splashing against the nearby docks. This was my playground of the summer. It was where every emotion possible had occured. My best friend - my dearest, dearest Alexi and I spent our limited time together flying carelessly across the surface of the water. As the daily rain would come, we would stop our speed-demon antics, just to feel the warm water on our skin, and sit to talk. Our legs linking each other's crafts, we would smile, let the raindrops sting our burnt cheeks and roll off our noses, and reflect on the silence of the beautiful lake. Our voices would murmur, paralleling the soft sounds of the rain hitting the water, and the roaring engines of our machines would rest. It was that wonderful time we all called summer. And how I miss it so.

fragmented thoughts

2005-10-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

So... I can't really even think whole thoughts right now. There is so much running through my head right now, but they have no relevance to each other.

My shoulder hurts.

My hands still smell like latex from the Bio lab today.

Fall break is in 3 days!

I really need to study.

I am super tired and don't want to swim tomorrow morning.

I can't wait to see my friends at home.

I need to hang out with some people before I leave for break.

I have to see my Bobo Bear pony when I get back.

All of my professors hate me.

We've got a good thing going on. Oh yes, we do.

I want to beat Jordan's ass to put him in his place.

I can't wait until the lacrosse game. And Erica!

I am so proud of Matt and his water polo team.

Can't wait until I get some good, homecooked food.

My shoulder still hurts.

I miss Hannah. I wish I could see her.

I sure hope I get see Brudder when I get home.

One more midterm to go.

I really should study.

I need to take a shower... hmm ... okay.

I think I'm going to do that.

confusion/frustration

2005-10-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

So, I am on the verge of emotional suicide. And I did it to myself.
This is why I suck at this whole "life" thing.

Less than a week... ahhh.

slowly losing it...

2005-10-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

So I think I am losing my sanity from all this work and all this... everything. I feel like I can't think straight anymore, I seem neglectful, as if I am not doing anything right anymore. Only 10 days, and yet I feel as if we are slipping away...
Have I done something wrong?
I want to rip my hair out and throw myself to the ground. My thoughts are fighting each other, yanking at my insides, side to side. I feel the pain of indecision burn in my chest and my head throbs thinking about it as tears want to well up in frustration. I never wanted this.

I wish I were invisible again.