Six years ago, on Thanksgiving Day, a wonderful boy was taken from us. It's because of him I am every day thankful for my days here on Earth.
RIP Nathan Peeler.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, August 07, 2011
can't wait to see you, but i will...
Soooooooooo.
I am back from Hawaii... which was an interesting experience, to say the least. While all of my friends told me to constantly shut up about 'living in paradise', I do have to say it made me appreciate home a lot more. I definitely missed the southern hospitality of North Carolina, and since the Japanese culture runs rampant in Hawaii, I will have to say that people treat you MUCH differently there. Very rude, for the most part. Kind of disappointing for a place so beautiful. And, as assumed, the tourists infested the place to the point that some areas were tainted and unenjoyable.
However, it wasn't all bad. I made a good friend there and had some unforgettable experiences. A once in a lifetime moment, for sure.
But, I am back from all of my travels (for now - keep reading!) and am in my OWN bed, back in my home state, with my dog curled up on the floor in my room. Things couldn't be much better - until the boy comes home. I am actually flying out to Wyoming in late August to visit him and we are road tripping across the country together! I cannot wait to see him in person again.
With our case, unlike most, distance made the heart grow fonder. When I left for Hawaii, I got word from all of our mutual friends about how much he talked about missing me. It made my heart sink thinking about how it would be the 3 longest months until just the possibility of seeing him again. However, with the help of my dad's generosity, my boy was able to fly out to Hawaii for a week to see me. It was one of the most amazing weeks of my life. It was obvious how much he missed me, as he finally clarified all of the things I was uncertain about in our relationship.
He wanted things to work out, even after plainly stating before that he wasn't a 'long distance kind of guy' earlier. So, for the past 2 months, we've talked on the phone at least twice a day, and even though I don't get to see his smile and laugh, I still get to hear about his day and say goodnight. That's about the best I could ask for.
As for now, I am waiting for his return and figuring out what kind of job I want to dive back into in this city while still getting my Masters. I am thinking working for a doctor's office part-time again... who doesn't love wearing scrubs??
Anyhow, I should get off of here and start looking for office positions. Hope all is well on the other side. Ciao!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
without you
Some people want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
a part of me
I don't know where to begin.
... maybe that being outside of your comfort zone, even in paradise, can make things hard to enjoy.
I am leaving for Hawaii for 2 months in less than 24 hours. It happened so suddenly, as I lost my job due to me putting 'too much outside time' into my graduate school work. They needed someone as a drone for the full 40+ hours per week (which is what I was still doing).
Thinking that maybe it would be best for me not to stay stuck in Charlotte while my boyfriend was planning to leave on his out-West adventure, I talked to my father about living with him in Honolulu for the entirety of the summer. He agreed.
I planned on taking my pup with me, as he would be the only familiar thing to keep me sane. However, due to Hawaii's outrageous rabies laws, he would be quarantined for the entire stay. I pondered whether to just stay in Charlotte for the sake of my dog, but decided that Hawaii for a whole summer would be hard to pass up as well. Some call me selfish for placing my dog at a long term boarding place, but when it's a kickass farm in Virginia that is as much as my rent per month to board, I would say that isn't incredibly selfish.
So Jaxon is at doggy summer camp. I felt a huge wave of anxiety rush over me as my mother and I drove him up to the farm. The woman was not very personable people-wise, but she was definitely in touch with all of the dogs she had boarded there. I felt a little more relieved as I watched him play with another Dane, and he looked happy.
It also made things a lot easier to pack up and move around without him sniffing around in everything, but I still missed him, as much of a pain as that dog can be.
Then the boyfriend... ah yes, THE boyfriend.
If I could count the number of times I have cried myself to sleep within the last 6 months at the thought of losing him to the mountains of the west, or now through the realization that I will not see his face for at least 60 days - it would be a depressing number.
He was venting once again about his asshole father (once. again.) while driving me home last night, as well as his frustration about really not know enough about how to go about his legendary trip. And then he said it.
I mean, not word for word - but he said it.
He turned to me, looked me right in the eye, and said, "Man, I do not know what I am going to do without you. You're the only person who has really been there for me, and I just don't know what I am going to do."
I love you, too.
Friday, April 22, 2011
deterioration
Once again, I have neglected to post in a while. I feel like I get caught up in a whirlwind of things and never have time to write about it. That's just life, unfortunately.
On a good note, I did decide to stick it out with school. I ended up surprising myself with how well I did at the beginning, but as my health deteriorated, so did my motivation to put time into my classes. My stomach issues increased and I continued to ignore them as I had in the past, but once I went to the emergency room from horrible stomach pain, I knew it was time to do something about it. They found that I had a hiatal hernia, which is when part of the upper stomach gets pushed through your diaphragm. Most people think that sounds horrible, but, in actuality, about 50% of adults have a hiatal hernia, but it's just not bad enough to really affect them.
...NOW I know why I never knew how to burp!
It explained why I was throwing up half my food at random times of the day, as well as the stomach pain. It was nice getting some clarification, but treatment would be nice. I am currently in the process of figuring out a treatment plan and hope to be on my way back to eating mac and cheese on a regular basis. Yessssssssss.
Concerning my Great Dane, he has been incredibly resilient considering his dislocated hip. He runs and jumps just like a regular puppy (except 3 times the size now), and rarely has episodes of pain in that leg. It doesn't seem to slow him down one bit. Man, how animals can cope with serious problems... I suppose humans somehow left that instinct behind.
And, of course, I can't forget the boyfriend. We've been good, spending less time together during our chaotic schedules, but still making time. However, he is going on a expedition this summer out West to go climbing for 3 months - roadtripping. It is going to kill me without him here. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. It will be tough not having him around, but I am prepared for whatever may happen. I know that we'll keep in touch, and I will be overjoyed for his return. As for now, I am living in the moment; loving him, and cherishing every minute. The fact of his departure has definitely caused some rifts, but I didn't expect any less.
It doesn't make him a bad person or selfish for going. In fact, I think this will be one of the best things for him right now. He will have time to do the thing he loves (rock climbing), and time to himself to just figure out his life. This would make things a lot more stable when he returns.
I can't wait to see the pictures.
I also went up to Sewanee this past weekend (along with wrecking my car - what is it with all of the hydroplaning???). It was great to see all of my friends, but I just felt... out of place. There were so many people I didn't know, and the vibe was unfitting. I couldn't hang with my old classmates as they chugged straight liquor at 10 am. I sat quietly in the corner, sipping my coffee. "What's in your coffee?", they'd ask. "Coffee", I'd reply. It was like I was an alien drinking something non-alcoholic. I would joke and use my rebuttle as "I'm just old!", but in retrospect, I kind of was. My goal was to make it alive through the day, and not get so drunk that I couldn't remember. I spent the whole weekend fretting over my car damages, how much sleep I hadn't gotten, and how miserable the drive would be going home. I am so old.
But it gave me perspective on how I had changed. Sure, I stressed a lot more, but I seemed a little more true to who I was and tons more responsible. I took keys from my friends who were stumbling toward their cars, drove people around who couldn't, and took care of my friends who got sick. While it isn't par with the glamorous lifestyle of rock-star Sewanee, I really would be disappointed in myself if I acted otherwise.
It's never fun being the adult, but it is worse if you never get there.
Exhausted. Work is slow... I'm spent.
On a good note, I did decide to stick it out with school. I ended up surprising myself with how well I did at the beginning, but as my health deteriorated, so did my motivation to put time into my classes. My stomach issues increased and I continued to ignore them as I had in the past, but once I went to the emergency room from horrible stomach pain, I knew it was time to do something about it. They found that I had a hiatal hernia, which is when part of the upper stomach gets pushed through your diaphragm. Most people think that sounds horrible, but, in actuality, about 50% of adults have a hiatal hernia, but it's just not bad enough to really affect them.
...NOW I know why I never knew how to burp!
It explained why I was throwing up half my food at random times of the day, as well as the stomach pain. It was nice getting some clarification, but treatment would be nice. I am currently in the process of figuring out a treatment plan and hope to be on my way back to eating mac and cheese on a regular basis. Yessssssssss.
Concerning my Great Dane, he has been incredibly resilient considering his dislocated hip. He runs and jumps just like a regular puppy (except 3 times the size now), and rarely has episodes of pain in that leg. It doesn't seem to slow him down one bit. Man, how animals can cope with serious problems... I suppose humans somehow left that instinct behind.
And, of course, I can't forget the boyfriend. We've been good, spending less time together during our chaotic schedules, but still making time. However, he is going on a expedition this summer out West to go climbing for 3 months - roadtripping. It is going to kill me without him here. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my lover. It will be tough not having him around, but I am prepared for whatever may happen. I know that we'll keep in touch, and I will be overjoyed for his return. As for now, I am living in the moment; loving him, and cherishing every minute. The fact of his departure has definitely caused some rifts, but I didn't expect any less.
It doesn't make him a bad person or selfish for going. In fact, I think this will be one of the best things for him right now. He will have time to do the thing he loves (rock climbing), and time to himself to just figure out his life. This would make things a lot more stable when he returns.
I can't wait to see the pictures.
I also went up to Sewanee this past weekend (along with wrecking my car - what is it with all of the hydroplaning???). It was great to see all of my friends, but I just felt... out of place. There were so many people I didn't know, and the vibe was unfitting. I couldn't hang with my old classmates as they chugged straight liquor at 10 am. I sat quietly in the corner, sipping my coffee. "What's in your coffee?", they'd ask. "Coffee", I'd reply. It was like I was an alien drinking something non-alcoholic. I would joke and use my rebuttle as "I'm just old!", but in retrospect, I kind of was. My goal was to make it alive through the day, and not get so drunk that I couldn't remember. I spent the whole weekend fretting over my car damages, how much sleep I hadn't gotten, and how miserable the drive would be going home. I am so old.
But it gave me perspective on how I had changed. Sure, I stressed a lot more, but I seemed a little more true to who I was and tons more responsible. I took keys from my friends who were stumbling toward their cars, drove people around who couldn't, and took care of my friends who got sick. While it isn't par with the glamorous lifestyle of rock-star Sewanee, I really would be disappointed in myself if I acted otherwise.
It's never fun being the adult, but it is worse if you never get there.
Exhausted. Work is slow... I'm spent.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
discouraged
I think I am going to withdraw from my grad school classes. I just got hit with a lot of things and I think taking on something that I don't even have my mind set on would be a bad idea.
It started with Friday, where I got a verbal warning from my supervisor. This has always been a problem for me and it always comes up anywhere I work. I was told that I come off rude to others (women, specifically), and that I needed to be nicer. Let me tell you about how I work:
I grew up with two brothers, had all guy friends throughout my life, and that's how I relate to people. I am upfront, blunt, and straight to the point. I do not relate to people in a fake way, and that may seem abrasive to the female race, but it's still ALL me.
Saturday, I was informed that my 6-month Great Dane puppy needs surgery due to a dislocated hip. Needless to say, I was crushed. A million thoughts were circling my head: How could I put my puppy through something like this? How can I pay for this? How am I going to have the time to tend to him after surgery (if it did happen)?
I became incredibly angry with my veterinarian due to the situation, and refused a referral to a surgeon. I just couldn't even deal with it. I called my mom bawling; all the while trying to navigate my way through snow covered roads. I was just as emotional when I broke the news to my boyfriend, who was basically a father figure to this animal. I eventually came to the conclusion that he did need to surgery if he were to resume a normal life, and have set up a consultation on Thursday morning with a surgeon.
THEN... today, this evening, more specifically - I got into a fight with my boyfriend. It was our last evening together before school started up for both of us and things got hectic. This whole holiday break had been bliss for us - until now.
I have to admit I was beyond on edge by the time all of this hit me, as well as having my first Masters class tomorrow. I became impatient with my boyfriend, was uncomfortable because my stomach hurt [I have been having several stomach problems for the past year], and was indecisive about our dinner plans. My boyfriend became frustrated with my impatience, called me out on it, and insulted me. After the past month of being incredibly patient and kind with his hospitalization and overall more pleasant during the break, I felt like he never recognized all the times I kept myself together. This did not make things better.
Now I am sitting here with a bottle of wine, a cigarette deep (I hadn't smoked in 5 months, mind you), wondering if I should even entertain the idea of school anymore. My head is not where it should be, and I am beyond discouraged. I could see myself putting all of these problems before school, and this would put me right where I was as an undergrad. If you didn't already know, I was below mediocre as an undergrad student... right at a 2.0 GPA. Call me a wuss or a cop-out, but I tend to be a lot harder on myself than most. There's no room to fuck up at this point.
Last day to withdraw is January 20th. I don't even know if I want to go to my first class tomorrow. I feel like I am way in over my head right now. Maybe right now isn't the time to go back to school.
What did I do to deserve all of this?
It started with Friday, where I got a verbal warning from my supervisor. This has always been a problem for me and it always comes up anywhere I work. I was told that I come off rude to others (women, specifically), and that I needed to be nicer. Let me tell you about how I work:
I grew up with two brothers, had all guy friends throughout my life, and that's how I relate to people. I am upfront, blunt, and straight to the point. I do not relate to people in a fake way, and that may seem abrasive to the female race, but it's still ALL me.
Saturday, I was informed that my 6-month Great Dane puppy needs surgery due to a dislocated hip. Needless to say, I was crushed. A million thoughts were circling my head: How could I put my puppy through something like this? How can I pay for this? How am I going to have the time to tend to him after surgery (if it did happen)?
I became incredibly angry with my veterinarian due to the situation, and refused a referral to a surgeon. I just couldn't even deal with it. I called my mom bawling; all the while trying to navigate my way through snow covered roads. I was just as emotional when I broke the news to my boyfriend, who was basically a father figure to this animal. I eventually came to the conclusion that he did need to surgery if he were to resume a normal life, and have set up a consultation on Thursday morning with a surgeon.
THEN... today, this evening, more specifically - I got into a fight with my boyfriend. It was our last evening together before school started up for both of us and things got hectic. This whole holiday break had been bliss for us - until now.
I have to admit I was beyond on edge by the time all of this hit me, as well as having my first Masters class tomorrow. I became impatient with my boyfriend, was uncomfortable because my stomach hurt [I have been having several stomach problems for the past year], and was indecisive about our dinner plans. My boyfriend became frustrated with my impatience, called me out on it, and insulted me. After the past month of being incredibly patient and kind with his hospitalization and overall more pleasant during the break, I felt like he never recognized all the times I kept myself together. This did not make things better.
Now I am sitting here with a bottle of wine, a cigarette deep (I hadn't smoked in 5 months, mind you), wondering if I should even entertain the idea of school anymore. My head is not where it should be, and I am beyond discouraged. I could see myself putting all of these problems before school, and this would put me right where I was as an undergrad. If you didn't already know, I was below mediocre as an undergrad student... right at a 2.0 GPA. Call me a wuss or a cop-out, but I tend to be a lot harder on myself than most. There's no room to fuck up at this point.
Last day to withdraw is January 20th. I don't even know if I want to go to my first class tomorrow. I feel like I am way in over my head right now. Maybe right now isn't the time to go back to school.
What did I do to deserve all of this?
Sunday, January 09, 2011
patience
So, I received a verbal warning from my new supervisor that I am not dealing well with my co-workers. My boyfriend claims it is because I do not have much patience for others. Let me break down this reasoning:
I have a perfect answer to those who ask how I have the patience to deal with special needs children. Why should people who do NOT do what they are capable of deserve any respect or patience from me, when these children do what they were told they were NOT capable of? Those children deserve my patience; normal people do not.
People who are lazy and unfocused take for granted all that they can do. They are scum... and I wish they could see what it is like to struggle with doing normal every day activities. People are so selfish and take everything for granted. I cannot wait to get out of what I am doing and back into the mental health (preferably special needs) field.
My classes for my Masters program start Wednesday. Thank GOD.
I have a perfect answer to those who ask how I have the patience to deal with special needs children. Why should people who do NOT do what they are capable of deserve any respect or patience from me, when these children do what they were told they were NOT capable of? Those children deserve my patience; normal people do not.
People who are lazy and unfocused take for granted all that they can do. They are scum... and I wish they could see what it is like to struggle with doing normal every day activities. People are so selfish and take everything for granted. I cannot wait to get out of what I am doing and back into the mental health (preferably special needs) field.
My classes for my Masters program start Wednesday. Thank GOD.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
merry happy
Reviewing my past posts, I have noticed how negative I have been. I soon came to the realization that I do not want much to change for me this new year. I have a caring, awesome boyfriend, the dog I have always wanted, a good living/job situation, and not many bridges burned. I think I've done pretty well for myself at this point in my life.
I have also realized that I will never get to where I will follow through with infatuations. I stepped up to the plate and confronted the situation with the fact in mind that I have everything I want. At the end of the day, my boyfriend is still everything that I want. Not some fleeting, short moment of butterflies, but someone who will stick it out even when things aren't perfect.
I actually had time to sit down, talk, and spend quality time with my boyfriend for the holidays. Unfortunately, it was not in ideal circumstances (he was in the hospital), but it still gave us time to ourselves to just spend time together. Every spare moment I had, I was at his bedside, talking about everything that may or may not have needed to be discussed. It gave him and I a lot of time to reflect on things. It also gave him the chance to spend some of that time talking with his father, who came in every day. It was truly remarkable to see how different his dad was when he was in the hospital. I think it really made my boyfriend's week, even if he was cooped up in a hospital room.
I think I have really pulled a lot of positive outlook from all of this, strangely.
LIFE'S NOT ABOUT WHAT'S BETTER. It's about what you have.
I have also realized that I will never get to where I will follow through with infatuations. I stepped up to the plate and confronted the situation with the fact in mind that I have everything I want. At the end of the day, my boyfriend is still everything that I want. Not some fleeting, short moment of butterflies, but someone who will stick it out even when things aren't perfect.
I actually had time to sit down, talk, and spend quality time with my boyfriend for the holidays. Unfortunately, it was not in ideal circumstances (he was in the hospital), but it still gave us time to ourselves to just spend time together. Every spare moment I had, I was at his bedside, talking about everything that may or may not have needed to be discussed. It gave him and I a lot of time to reflect on things. It also gave him the chance to spend some of that time talking with his father, who came in every day. It was truly remarkable to see how different his dad was when he was in the hospital. I think it really made my boyfriend's week, even if he was cooped up in a hospital room.
I think I have really pulled a lot of positive outlook from all of this, strangely.
LIFE'S NOT ABOUT WHAT'S BETTER. It's about what you have.
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