crossroads

I feel like I have been in a bad dream that I can't wake out of. While things were getting better for me and I felt like I had found things that made me happier than before, it is starting to make me notice more of the flaws from the past.
Is being with someone who is just like you in many senses a wonderful thing, or like looking into a mirror? At first, I found it to be the most exhilarating and amazing thing (as well as relieving) to be around, but as I rolled over on Sunday morning to see him and think about everything that has happened over the past month or so, I wonder if he is there to make me see just what I really look like. Broken, scared, indecisive yet impulsive, living in the moment yet stuck in the past... is that what I really am? While he has called me out on things that I am not proud of, I find that every one I cannot deny.

NO - I am not over it. I have shed more tears over my ex than I would ever care to, but I can't help it. My roommate says it's healthy to mourn over it, but when you can just feel him thinking about you as you're trying to go to bed at night, I think it's more than just mourning. It's missing... and I hate to say it, but I still do miss it. And the worst part is knowing that they miss it, too.
What do you expect? I put everything in for this one person and planned for everything we had discussed for the future, only to have him drop me for someone he barely knew. It leaves scars, and I know you can see them. However, if you think you are good at hiding your scars, you're not.

This guy is so self conscious, yet the coolest person ever. In social situations, he can approach any one and have a good time in any setting. However, when it comes to certain things, he has no confidence in himself whatsoever. I try to talk him up and show him just how much potential he has to do everything great, but after a while, this whole down-on-yourself thing is NOT sexy. I just want to grab his face and tell him to, for once, stop judging himself, man up, and kick ass.

I know I can be called hypocritical for complaining about his lack of self-confidence, but I do feel like we feed off of each other when it gets to those moments. It becomes this big whine-fest about who's heart has been stomped on more, who looks the worst, etc. At the end of the day, we've both been fucked over and we're both scared - and it's hindering us both from truly moving on in life. While misery does love company, I gotta get off that boat soon.

So, I guess I am contemplating waiting around to see if this mirror is going to make me eventually happy every time I look at it, or miserable. While I will wait for a while to see if my reflection becomes better over time, no one can wait forever.

are you happy?

While I truly believe that fighting for someone that you love is noble, sometimes you end up wondering why you even tried fighting so hard. 

Things seem to get lost in all of the pride that you swallow and there is no happiness left in what you do. As for now, I am ready to take that new road and do what I want for me.

I admit that I have not been the perfect lover... but mostly because I couldn't even be me anymore. I was unable to express what I had become, and that caused me to make plenty of mistakes. I wish I could say that I regret everything that I did within the last 8.5 months, but I have started to feel that what happened has made it more clear as to why things didn't work. All in all, I need to stop being scared of being alone and settling for something that isn't good enough. I am in no way saying that you aren't a good person, you just aren't for me.

I think the worst mistake I made was giving a second chance.

Word of the wise: do what makes you happy.

sometimes

Sometimes you have to fight for what you love.

breaking away

So, yesterday was the first day of class back from Spring Break. It was beyond surreal to be sitting in the classroom again, much less forcing my brain to function. I felt like I got absolutely nothing done that day, or today. I guess I can be proud of myself for actually pushing through Stats homework and finishing it. I despise Math.

Literally 5 weeks until I graduate. I feel like all of these potential future plans are floating around in my head and I just don't know what to do or where I am going to go. While I cannot plan my future around things that are not yet promised to me (grad school acceptance), I still feel like I am dangling in mid air with the plans that I could fall back on. The economy today sadly holds no promise of me getting a legit job. Perfect timing with the graduation...  :-/

I feel like I am being pulled into two, especially with the expectations of my parents. My mom is expecting me to get accepted to a school and/or get a job that I can support myself on, which might be harder than she thinks. On the other hand, my dad is moving to Hawaii since the divorce has almost gone through, and wants me to move with him. Sound like a fairy tale? Think twice. Hawaii (Honolulu, to be exact) is a HUGE tourist area that would offer me no real job positions, and the living costs there make me sick to my stomach. While I understand that my dad wants one of the kids to "take his side" and move along with him to give my mom the big 'F-you', I don't think it's in my best interest. The beach sounds wonderful, but who am I kidding? I would just be stalling AND burning a hole through my pocket. 

The last slight pressure is that my boyfriend of 3 months, whom is excited that I am moving back to around his area, is also expecting that we move in together. Once again, while this sounds like an amazing idea and I would be more than happy to do so, I know that my mom would definitely veto the idea, as well as know that it wouldn't be financially attainable at the moment. Why does it matter to my mom, you ask? Well, considering that she graciously volunteered to help pay for my living expenses for the first month or so, I think that my living arrangements do somewhat fall in her hands. So, the best that I can do for now is moving into the same town as my boyfriend, find an apartment with 2-3 other roommates that I can hopefully stand, make some money and wait until things are financially okay enough for him and I to live together. From the way things are going, we'll have all of the time in the world to live in the same space.  :)

Fortunately, that is about the only pressure that he has put on me. The distance sucks, but it is nothing like my last long-distance relationship. We have never really argued, respect each other's boundaries, and take one another's social lives into consideration. There is no pushing, shoving, or yelling. It is by far the best thing that I have ever been in, and I don't intend on calling it quits any time soon. Yet again, reading the past posts have shown quite a comparison of things with my last serious commitment versus this one. 

Oh, did I mention that it's our 3 month mark?? 

Feels like longer. 

Needless to say, I have fallen harder than a clumsy kid on an escalator. <3

a fresh start

So, it has definitely been a REALLLYYYYY long time since I have written on here. I suppose you could say that a lot has happened, but that would be a mere understatement. Since then, I have loved and lost, failed and succeeded, and learned so much because of it.

The first thing that I would like to proudly announce is that Chris and I are no longer. It has been about 4 months since we broke up and almost a month and a half since we have not exchanged a single word to one another. In all honesty, I think we are both better people for it. While I do believe we loved and cared for each other, our bad habits from past relationships lashed out so much that we definitely brought each other down more than up. It is obvious that we were both at fault - however, he didn't feel like faithfulness was as important of an issue as I did. 

Needless to say, I am relieved to be done with that whole ordeal.

... which leads me to my next point. While almost every post is about a new crush and whatnot, I am currently dating a guy that I have known since this past summer and I absolutely adore him. He is patient, understanding, smart, goofy, and (as a bonus) the tall, dark, and handsome type. I admit that we do have our differences, but he has always supported me through the hard times of my academic career, as well as personal life, and never gave up on me. I feel like I have become better each day just because he is in my life. 

I, at times, wonder how I ended up with someone so amazing, but I do vividly remember crying to my old friend about how I would never find a good guy - I guess I finally got what I asked for. Although my fear of love and (mostly) marriage still exists, I could sincerely say that I could learn to love him for a long time. I have sadly fallen pretty hard for him in such a short period of time, and he is so perfect that things do seem very unreal.

I guess I just expect something this great to blow up in my face, like it always does.

As for my life in the college world, I am almost graduated! It is so surreal knowing that only months lie between now and when I am done with my undergraduate career. While I admit that I will not miss the academic workload, I will completely miss the social aspect of it all. Sewanee is such a tight-knit community that, when you step into the real world, you are shocked just how much people don't know each other. However, I have found myself becoming bored or rather annoyed when I go to fraternity parties now. Even spending time at my sorority has become an unpleasant experience. I was talking to a fellow classmate on a long drive home, and we both admitted that the party scene has grown old to both of us. I suppose it is a good thing in the long run though - we can easily let it go when we leave. 

I wish I could expand on more aspects of my life at the moment, but I am utterly exhausted from the long trek back to campus. 

(I visited the boyfriend this weekend... it was glorious.)

my conscience is mocking me

So, I looked over my last post (I seem to do that a lot), and I didn't realize how great I had it then.

Ever since really January, my life has slowly crumbled to the ground. My parents announced their seperation, which came as a surprise, but I somehow detected it from afar. Then, after that, my dad broke down and told me the details of their seperation. These details have changed the way I look at every single person, even those who I have known since the day I was born. My shakey trust issues are now completely collapsed, I have no faith in any of my relationships with people, and I seem to be even more indifferent about my grades.
I went to see the university counselor that I had seen last year, and I really felt no connection whatsoever. This coming from a psychology major, I can say that I haven't had any good experiences with therapy. They waste my time and I spend most of it trying to figure out how to say the most vague thing while still answering the questions. Maybe it's just the person, but I am completely unwilling to just spill it all out to them.

As for the guy who I was earlier contemplating about dating-wise, we are currently broken up. I just felt it unfair to keep something going that was so hard to do. The miles between us and just the pressure from trying to keep everything so serious wore us both down, and we mutually called it quits for a bit. But he still calls (more than he should). I think the worst thing about this is he is 'holding out' for me. I never completely promised us getting back together, but he is just sitting and waiting around for me. I also think it wouldn't be so bad if last weekend hadn't swept me off of my feet.
After this whole trust issues/parent issues/personal issues bullshit, I figured I would not want to date for a long, long time. Then, I met this guy who (at the moment is confusing the hell out of me) I actually FELT something for. It was unbelievable how my heart raced and I got all shakey and shy when he smiled at me and said hello. I hadn't felt like this in at least 2 years. I started thinking back about how my last boyfriend and I got together, and it was because I finally caved to his persistence. I never had the middle school crush symptoms like I do now.
I HELD HIS HAND. That's all I could think about when I awoke on Saturday morning. Most college students would find that completely unfulfilling, but for some reason, it was more than enough. However, even after he asked if I was going to a party that his fraternity was hosting the next night, when I got there, he said hello once, and pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night. I talked to other people, in hopes that he would come up and talk, but he stuck by the side of this one girl (ironically one of my sorority pledges). I finally let my emotions get the best of me, and I left. I couldn't watch as he walked around with some other girl and he hesistated to even look at me.
I explained what happened to my friends the next day, and I soon realized that I had only held a total of like 3 conversations with this guy. The girl he was dancing with he knew much better, and could have very well been just a friend. I still wish I could find a way to talk to him more, but I admit I can be decently intimidating (especially him being a freshman and I a junior). I don't want to be pushy or aggressive, but I don't want him to forget me. All of these thoughts are still overflowing my mind.
I must admit it is still nice to know that I can become infatuated with someone, even if nothing comes out of it. But, on the other hand, what does this mean about my ex 'holding out'?
He's been begging for me to come to see him over the break (which is in 2 days), but I am feeling more and more reluctant to do so. It feels so wrong to be thinking about one person so much, while leaving the other one waiting for you.
I will have to resolve this soon. And I believe it will not be especially pretty.


As for my family issues, I believe I will just try to avoid being at home. It reminds me too much of how much of a mess it is.

sometimes the same if different, but mostly, it's the same

So, I overlooked my ENTIRE blog the other day, and noticed just how much it has changed. I first used it as a summary of my life - a semi-autobiography, but now, it's pretty much full of rants. I suppose it still sums up a lot of occurrences in my life, but it has a lot more feeling to it. I guess I don't like writing things just to write them... I have to be somewhat inspired before getting up enough energy to post. But I am sure, by now, you have realized that I do definitely have something to write about.

In my last post, I talked about a guy at work that was kind of a threat, but probably not, because I was not interested in dating. Well, for the past 3 months, him and I have been in a pretty serious relationship. It was odd, because I really did try hard to avoid it, but he was so damn persistent. I finally caved and realized that it was nice to have someone there again. Although he is much different from any guy I have ever been with, we still had a lot of fun. However, the entire time, I figured it would just be a summer fling, and I would then return to my college, single again. But... about a month before I had to leave, we had a pretty intoxicated conversation about how we were going to try to continue it when I went to college.
Keep in mind that our colleges are 600 miles apart.
The rest of the summer was great - the 5-day trip to Ocracoke Island and summer nights watching the stars while choking down shots of vodka. We never argued and just enjoyed each other to the fullest.
It was sad when he left to go to college, but he came back every weekend. Even then, being away from each other for 3 days to a week was almost unbearable, compared to seeing each other every day at work and in the evenings. I knew, deep down, this long-distance thing was going to be rough. When I left for my college, he hugged me goodbye and kept from crying a little (it's so cute that he is such a big guy and I can still bring him to tears). I assured him that it was only 3 weeks until I got to see him and tried my hardest to have an optimistic outlook on us.
I soon learned that having a relationship on the phone is very hard... you can't really talk things out, even though it is all about talk. We went from never having a problem to arguing almost every other day. After 2 weeks, he couldn't take it anymore, and drove 9 hours to come see me. I was ecstatic when he was here, but it was still for a short period of time. Along with that, Nathan (mentioned in previous post) came in the same weekend, which made things very stressful. I didn't get to see him (or speak to him) for more than 30 minutes altogether. And even though my new boyfriend was at my side, I couldn't help but still have something deep inside for Nathan. I missed him so much.
As for now, it's been a month since Chris (new boyfriend) has been here, and our fights have only gotten worse. I have said, "it's over!", more than once, but ended up taking it back. We even had the talk about how bad things are now, and how breaking up sometimes seems like the best. Every time we fight, I ask myself more and more why I am putting up with all of it. The wonderful relationship we once had is now something completely different. It's something I wouldn't normally hold on to for one second.
And Nathan and I have been keeping in touch throughout all of this. Even though it does bother him that I have a boyfriend now, he is tolerant of being a friend, because that's about all he can be, anyway. Sadly, I put my guard down a couple of nights ago, when I drunkenly called him and admitted that I still had feelings for him. I felt terrible the next morning when I had realized what I had done, but I vividly remembered him saying that he still had feelings for me, as well.
Although that bites at me on a daily basis, I wouldn't break it off with my new boyfriend because of Nathan; I would do it for myself. It's like something that weighs me down now, and the more that I think about it, the more I wonder why I have let it get this far.
But I have let it get this far. He is coming up a little over 2 days for my birthday for 6 days. Part of me thinks it's unfair for him to even come up here again with all these feelings that I have now, but the other part says this might be the last chance I have to reconsider my options. I guess it is the latter, because I can't just tell him he can't now. Don't you think it's sad that I may have already made up my mind before he even gets a last chance? Yeah, me too.

Speaking of chances, I sometimes wish that I could get over Nathan. I gave him a whole year to get his shit together and actually commit, and, although we were pretty much exclusive at the end of the year, he didn't quite follow through. I just don't understand how I am giving one guy so many chances and another so few. I can't explain it, but I still have more feelings for Nathan than any person I know ... even the guy I am with now. Either Nathan and I need to figure some things out, or I have to find someone to sweep me off my feet and get my mind off of him. I don't even know if there will be someone who can do that at this point.

In conclusion, I am so hopeless and complicate things for myself. This guy doesn't do much wrong (outside of the arguments, which aren't just his fault), and I am subconsciously trying to find a reason to dump him.
Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship, even though that's something that I want more than anything.

I hate irony.