Hmm.. my mommy used to be a model.  

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After all this happiness being built, it crumbles beneath me. My life has been dragged into a life full of blurry chaos, where I can't keep any priorites straight. I need a pause button.


No need to fight fate and distance... we're better off alone, I promise.

photoshop madness

Insecurity at its best.

this could be different

So I have realized, after having a short convo today, that I tend to have intense emotions alot. There are rare moments when I feel blank, but really sad, happy, pissed, etc. Then I also discovered that all of my close friends are pretty laid back and they are the only thing that keeps me sane. Maybe I should try to tone down my feelings, but I feel that it's something I have inherited or just become. It's hard to try to change who I am at this point, because I want everyone here to see who I REALLY am and not some stupid front.
My homework didn't take very long, but everyone else in my suite has like 300+ pages. That's what they get for taking that religion course.
Hopefully will go camping in GA this weekend. Yay.

die

You will regret what you did, you fucking losers.

Just because he's vulnerable now doesn't mean he will be forever.




You mess with family, you mess with me and that doesn't fucking work.











I know who you are...

incredible

Wow, I absolutely LOVE this campus. Yesterday really made me appreciate it. So I skipped swim practice... sue me. It was totally worth it.

My classes are good, especially because all of my professors are so similar to all of my good high school teachers. As they all taught, I could pick out all the same characteristics. I think this will be a great semester.

I am so light on my feet, I could be floating. :D

freakish

As I'm talking
My words slip to the floor
And they crawl through your legs
And slide under the back door
Rendering me freakish and dazed

Well here I am
Don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close
When you're around me
To shut me out

So I'll go walking in the streets
Til my heels bleed
And I'll sing out my song
In case the birds wish to sing along
And I'll dig a tunnel
To the center of the universe

Well here I am
Don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close
When you're around me
To shut me out

I'll make my way
Across the frozen sea
Beyond the blank horizon
Where I can forget you and me
And get a decent night's sleep

Well here I am
Don't know how to say this
Only thing I know is awkward silence
Your eyelids close
When you're around me
To shut me out

Don't shut me out...

always unfulfilled

Maybe I was expecting too much when I first ran into him. His picture and interests first grabbed me, making me leave a comment, just to see if he would notice. It was the stupid, girly crush that, no matter what, you can't help but look his way constantly and wonder if he's looking back. The bond came so spontaneously... from a mere spilling of a beverage and a sincere apology. I didn't know that I would learn so much about him just by letting my foot and pants soak up the liquid that he had carelessly let fall. I loved hearing him speak, because everything he said was so brilliant, but it was sad to know that his wonderful mind was being wasted through a bottle. We were physically and mentally eye to eye, but maybe not emotionally. We both expressed sadness in place of anger, causing more sadness than anything, but we still weren't the same. I was afraid that I would get caught up in something this stupid, but that's me just trying to mend a broken heart that still bleeds and cracks.
The best thing about here is that I can hold an intellectual conversation without feeling out of place. It's great.

I say that I don't take the first step in fear of a hurtful fall, but I am already hurting and there's no ladder. I'm just scared that this is one sided... I wouldn't be suprised.

times like these

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

gone

So my parents have just left and I don't know what to do. My little brother hugged me like 5 or 6 times. I guess it kinda made me realize that, no matter how many times they had scolded me or annoyed me, they still have put the better influence on me. Once again, the small light that caused my mouth to crack a smile has diminished. I hate pouting when there is so much to do, but I can't help but feel empty. My roommate is really nice and we have a lot in common, but she is much more shy than I and doesn't want to do stuff sometimes. I hope I can break her out of her shell. My suitemate and I already went out and dorm hopped everywhere, so that was pretty awesome. At least I do have someone to do that with at the time being. I am already skipping a lot of the orientation, just because I am sick of being welcomed.
There aren't many people from NC here...



Thanks for being there. You're the best. :)

always you

I'll hold a place for you and I
Inside my heart for you and I
I won't forget these tears I cried
With every year that passes by

And I can't sleep without you
And I can't breathe anymore

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes

I'll give it up this time again
Some things are better left unsaid
And all I have are lasting dreams
Our word's worth more this time it seems

And I can't sleep without you
And I can't breathe anymore

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes (In your eyes)

Good times last forever
I'll keep my heart with yours
For every minute I am gone (I am gone)
Swear you'll never leave me
I'll be there every time
In your heart and in your eyes (In your eyes)

In your eyes

me, just me

This... is me. And who I will be for the next 4 years. I guess I have finally come to accept the fact that I am ready to move away for good. Just because I am moving away doesn't mean I want to be away from my friends, but all my true friendships will be proven whether they can withstand the distance. I just hope that my life will never be too busy for any of them while I'm at college, though I am terribly afraid of that. I know how it feels to be on the other side of that screen, just waiting for them to notice that I am there and will always be there, waiting to talk. I never want to leave any of them staring at a blank screen with no conversation or have that akward pause of disinterest while on the phone. It's probably the worst feeling to have, but it's even worse when you're the one doing it and not even realizing it. I have been accused of being neglectful more than once and that is my weakness in friendships. I can't even use ADD as an excuse for that, because I can manage my time on my own, if I try hard enough. I just want to let all my friends know that, no matter what, I will try my hardest to keep in touch with you. If you feel in any way forgotten, just let me know, because I know exactly how it feels and I would be hurt to know if I ever did that to you. Farewell is so close that I can touch it, but I don't know if I even want to. Parting is such sweet sorrow....


As I try to catch my tears from hitting this keyboard and blurring my words, I want you to know...
I love you all.

right here

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and
See the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them
All and throw them in my face

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending
It's as much as i can take
And you're so independent
You just refuse to bend so
I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words
To say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive
All the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting

dear jordan

Yes, many people haven't heard of Grinnell. I sure hadn't until I met him...
I haven't even started packing yet, but have mourned over it a lot. I had to say good bye to my friend that goes to Grinnell tonight and it was really hard. We're such good friends and its sad to leave him (again). I realized tonight that everything from my past 17 years is washed down the drain, just waiting for me to start over again. It's very sad at the moment, because I never had time to feel sad over leaving. I sure didn't cry at my graduation, but I am feeling remorse more than ever. The friends that have stuck by my side throughout it all are leaving (or I am leaving them) and I am fearful that I or they will be forgotten. I had that feeling with an old friend today when I had to drop something off... it was like he saw right through me. He invited me into the house that I used to visit so often and now there was no evidence of my presence, ever. The kitten that we adopted together had gotten so big. As I looked into its little yellow eyes, I remembered all those times we played with it together and all the memories I had shared with him. I hadn't even moved off yet and my pictures with him had been replaced by someone new and obviously more exciting. He was playing his drums when I first approached his house and when I yelled his name in hopes of him hearing me, it was as if I was calling for help. My voice was filled with sorrowful desperation and I couldn't stop saying his name like that. It was then I noticed that all my friends were slipping away, slowly, like grains of sand between my fingertips. Even though I will make more friends, they can never be replaced, which will cause a void to always remain in me, unfulfilled.
Feeling a little down,
Julia



I was too afraid to ever send that letter.

life as we know it

The beach was fun, outside of the sibling rivalry. I always take the place of the peacemaker and let me tell you... it's NOT easy. I hope I didn't upset anyone by going. *frowns and looks down* I was just trying to make everyone happy...
I am already getting used to work and doing it on a daily basis. It's also only the second consecutive day of it. Sad, I know.
I got extremely frustrated with myself and swimming today. My legs were sore from a combination of capture the flag, constant standing during Warped Tour, water skiing, and biking. Whew. My breaststroke kick was really off, Nathan was trying to fix it, and everything only got worse. I hate to mess with my stroke now, but I think it was just because I was so sore. I still got overly pissed over it. I fear failure more than anything - even more than needles. I guess I just don't want to enter the swim season doing the wrong thing.

"Always" came on my mp3 player today... so many memories.


And I'll miss your laugh, your smile...

the irony of it all

Okay, so let's be friends, but more than friends, but NOT get caught up in each other. Right.
What the HELL was I thinking?
He was the right person at the wrong time. That pretty much sums it up.

Warped Tour was freaking awesome! Outside of me getting pulled apart from the others during Story of the Year and missing half of the Transplants (it was worth seeing you relieved), it was the best yet. The pouring rain made things even better as we jumped around after drinking those energy drinks. Wooo. Hahaha... I gotta get some more of that stuff. Jonathan and I were booty dancing and swinging our hair around half the time. It was outrageous. Our entire bodies were drenched along with the rest of the crowd. Strikes of lightning shot down while Will, Drew, and I crowd surfed our way through the Offspring show. Almost all of my pictures sucked, but there were a few good ones. I think I really could have brought my digital camera, but after seeing Will's stuff, I was glad I didn't.
Going to the beach tomorrow. *grins widely*

and if i stop ever thinking of you

So, I was a good friend. I just almost got in trouble for it. Oops...
What a hoe.

I am so tired that I am extremely awake. We had our All Star Meet today and it was okay. I lost my goggles on the 100 IM at the start and a wave of rage swept through me. It had been 4 years since that had happened and I was overly pissed. I was almost screaming with anger as I gasped for air and opened my eyes painfully through each lap. I still placed 5th overall. I think it was my best time. Now THAT'S embarassing. I got either 2nd or 3rd in 50 breast, but that was a pathetic race on my part. My mom and I were totally beat and I was so out there by the time we got home that I thought I was going to fall out in the shower. Luckily, the shower woke me up a bit, but I still fell asleep before Corey came over (oops again).

My parents have been talking about how they are going to miss me, but I have just been ignoring it, hoping that the fact that I will miss them just as much will go away. I've always tried to be the tough one, but I doubt it's going to happen this time.
I will miss a lot of things about summer, as usual.

i could fly

Time stands still for no one
I know this is true
I've been stuck here waiting
Then along came you
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly

There's no way I could've made it this far
Without you
You came to me just when I needed someone to believe
That I could make it through
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly

Above the clouds
Fly so high
Never come down
Just you and I
I'm so in love
With you
With you
And you gave me back
The love I had
The faith I'd lost
The life I knew

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive

I wanna thank you for the love that you give me
And the sun that you put in my sky
You don't know how much you've lifted me up
But I feel so alive
That I could fly
I could fly

You and me side by side walkin' through the woods in the pale moonlight
Oh yeah now and it feels so good



Wow... maybe he figured out that music goes straight to my heart. :)

umm

I miss Alexi.
And trying not to cuss as much, which is really hard when I'm with Hannah.



We pimped out that hat.

back to joining the ratrace

I finished my essay yesterday and triumphantly sent it in, 12 hours early. Thank goodness that is done with!
Luckily, I got to skip out on work yesterday, but today was a different story. After 8 long hours, I was ready to get home. It was a good day, though.
I've realized how much I really am going to miss the kids once I head off. There's no better feeling when, everytime you come around the corner or enter the pool, they scream your name and immediately lock their arms around you. It's priceless.
Tomorrow, Lindsay and I are going to Bagel Station then Starbuck's, like old times. It's going to be great. Especially because we AREN'T going to Bolton ... that's the best part.
I got my shoes in today and they are P-I-M-P. I am so taking pictures of them because you will wish you had them. Hell yes.
One week until Warped Tour. I'm stoked. :) !!!!!

As you can tell, I am WAYYY too tired to express my feelings about anything at the moment. Well, at least not with extensive words.

Get jealous.