everytime

It was three AM
When you woke me up
And we jumped in the car
And drove as far as we could go
Just to get away
We talked about our lives
Until the sun came up
And now I'm thinking about
How I wish I could go back
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
And everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
You left my life in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you

When the car broke down
We just kept walking along
Til we hit this town
There was nothing there at all
But that was all okay
We spent all our money on stupid things
But if I looked back now
I'd probably give it all away
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Ever since you walked away
My life's been in disarray
All I want is one more day
All I need is one more day with you

Now I'm sittin here
Like we used to do
I think about my life
And how now there's nothing I won't do
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Everytime I see your face
Everytime you look my way
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right
Everytime I hear your name
Everytime I feel the same
It's like it all falls into place
Everything feels right

One more day
Just one more day
It's all I need
Just one more day with you



Yeah... *sigh*

pieces

I tried to be perfect

But nothing was worth it

I don't believe it makes me real

I'd thought it'd be easy

But no on believes me

I meant all the things that I said



If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own



This place is so empty

My thoughts are so tempting

I don't know how it got so bad

Sometimes it's so crazy

That nothing could save me

But it's the only thing that I have



If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own



On my own



I tried to be perfect

It just wasn't worth it

Nothing could ever be so wrong

It's hard to believe me

It never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along



If you believe it's in my soul

I'd say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own

monotonous monday

Ever had one of those nights where you just lay in bed and you can't sleep because so many thoughts are running through your head at once? Yeah, that definitely happened last night. I watched the minutes painfully tick by as I tried to make myself to go sleep. But I couldn't - I couldn't stop thinking. I tried reading, listening to music, all different things. Today, I faced the pain of reality and I think I will fight my way through it. I just wish I could close my eyes... and it would all go away - that I would finally awake from my bad dream and realize that none of it was ever real. It's not real... nothing ever happened. Another thing that is bothering me is when someone who KNOWS that I am self concious about my upper body starts bringing up the flaws. Yes, I have a masculine build. Are you happy? Geez, how can I swim so much and NOT become tone over time? I have inherited the broad shoulders from my dad and my muscular build from my mom. I don't have that desired 'fragile' look that most famous models have or anything like that, and I'm sorry. I am sorry that my build isn't pleasing to the eye of the jackass who called me out about it. I KNOW that I look manly and you honestly don't have to bring it up. Why don't you keep your opinions to yourself because it's not really that funny - I didn't notice anyone laughing. As Foamy would put it, '...at the very least, shoot yourself. Get yourself out of society.' Please, do. And there are plenty flaws about you too, but I wouldn't stoop to that level.

tell me it's not real

I hate reality. I really do. Why can't I just run away from the real life and go somewhere where nothing really matters once you return to the real world? Should I stand my ground and face the brutality of the real world, or run away from it for just a week? I don't know what to do... damnit, damnit.

Life sucks, but damn, it is great... sorta.



I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real

merry christmas

YEY! Christmas was fun. Of course, I was woken (is this the right tense?? It's sounds so weird) AGAIN by Karl around 9:30. Ughie. Then, wrapping paper flew for a good 10 minutes until everyone was satisfied and messing with all of their gadgets. Alan and I got this itty bitty mp3 player that is really cool, but it only holds like 60 songs. Just looking at it makes the memory of it believable though. Then I changed out of my pjs after breakfast (mm.. Mom's homemade cinnamon rolls!) and ran by Tia's to drop off her present. After swinging by there, I just hung around the house, doing what I do best - nothing! We had dinner and then watched Harry Potter. I unfortunately missed a message that brought GREAT news... YOU'RE BACK! :) Yey. Hehehe. Santa was definitely good to me this year. ():)
Alexi comes tomorrow morning... I CAN'T WAIT!!!! :D

mercy is upon me

Okay, so my grade for my college class (Western Civ) came in... and I got bitched at pretty good. Then my mom let out those words that I was so scared to hear: "No computer... once school starts". You have no clue how happy I was just to hear that. At least I can update and chat until the start of school - then you will most likely not hear from me for a long, long time. Unless I sneak on or my mom gives me a break from my technological restraint. It's Christmas Eve, and I can't believe how fast it has come. Unfortunately, I have found it hard to sleep past 12 because of GUYS. Urgh - I hate them at the moment! It will be 20 til 12 and my parents come in, shoving the phone in my face because Hunter wanted to know what time practice was or Nathan wanted me to swim. Then, yesterday, I was so tired from Tia's sleepover because her and I didn't go to bed until around 7 in the morning (we just couldn't sleep!). We went to Biscuit King around 6:30, then returned to her house and fell out on the couch. We all woke up around 11 and then went home. I took and shower and laid down for a bit, eventually falling asleep. Then, Alan comes in with the phone and it's DREW wanting to go get some coffee. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, I'm tired, and I can't sleep because people always want to do something. So, I get up, put on my suit and some sweats, and meet Drew at the door looking high as a kite. I was just TIRED! The coffee helped me, but I was still really out of it. Then, this morning, Karl woke me up because Nathan wanted to swim. I rush over there only to find that he was leaving. I was really mad... can't ANYONE rest in this house? I refuse to take any calls before 12. I hate you guys.

too tired

I got a taste of total exhaustion today - before I even started swimming. I went to bed around 1 after another long convo with Thomas on the phone (dude, this is the SECOND night in a row!) and woke up around 12:30. At practice, I felt so bogged down and tired, like I couldn't go any faster. The pace I was moving at was considerably slow, to the point where many people beat me out in breaststroke. I wanted to throw myself to the edge of the pool and cry. It always has to be close to a really big meet where I totally wear myself out. I am so scared that I won't have ANYTHING by the time the meet comes around. My coach noticed and said that the two days before the meet, we were going to take it really easy, which meant for me to exclude all of my other swimming sessions. I also have to go to bed at a more reasonable hour to ensure a good amount of sleep. I just hope I have every bit of potential (and kinetic hehehe) energy for this meet. I need it so bad! *sigh* It scares me so bad to see myself like this. *frowns*

evasion, maybe?

Okay, this is really bugging me.


Well, it seems as if someone was avoiding a situation with me. They somehow weren't home on Monday, their dad kept turning their computer off, and their phone just "randomly" turned itself off. It kind of pisses me off because it misses my chance to see them for a long time or ever again, but I get the hint of how they feel. Sorry you feel that way... :(

...and closer...

There's nothing too much more to say than...
YAY! :) teeheehee...

It's been a good break so far.

christmas is creeping closer...

But that's not what I am worried about. ;)
Today when I was finishing up one of the pairs of my pj pants (yeah, I sew... no one really seems to believe that), my dad suggested that Kelley come Tuesday and go back Thursday. I haven't got to talk to her about it yet, but I hope that's the plan! Unfortunately, it will mean sacrificing 2 days of practice. I would rather see one of my friends I may never see again than skip swim practice. It's not like I will slip out of shape before then (oh no! *gasps*). Wow, less than one week before Christmas. I can barely remember what day it is and have already slipped into the break sleep schedule - 1 AM to 11 or 12 AM/PM. But that still guarantees me at least 10 hours of rest. Yay! I absolutely adore sleep... it's my favorite! My family FINALLY got a tree (it's pretty lousy) and we decorated it this evening, then watched Bend It Like Beckham. The night before we caught Chasing Liberty and it deserves an overall rating of "P", for predictable. The good part about it was that ridiculously hot British actor with his sexy accent. Ohhhhh, European boys... ():) Hehe. It makes me rethink that trip to Europe as my graduation present over the summer. I told my mom that it wasn't a good idea because it would keep me away from home... yeah, home in the summer. So there are a FEW things worth staying home for. Anyway, I need to seriously get shopping, even though most of things have been bought for others. I just feel like I haven't gotten much for ANYONE. My present to Alexi I have worked on since 7th grade summer (it's almost done), I have to MAKE Alan's, and I have no clue what to get Mom. I am so screwed right now... oh and I have to get my other friends a little something, too. Mom and Karl are going to the mall tomorrow, but they don't want Alan or I to come because they obviously have some shopping to do as well. Looks like Alan and I might have to take a trip there soon, too.


You love me but you don't know who I am...

all that i've got

Wow... according to the comments on my "void" entry, I am loved. Thanks guys. :)

I also failed my last Western Civ test. I am SO dead once my parents find out. Shit, shit, shit. It makes me angry that I didn't do any better, especially since I did everything I could to prepare. I HATE history! Then Nathan and I had a miscommunication by calling each other twice, but missing both. Yeah... odd. He called me twice while I was changing - I am NOT going to run downstairs half-covered to get the phone! Then I called him twice like 30 seconds later (when I had my suit ALL the way on) and he didn't pick up. What the hell?!? It doesn't matter because we still got some swimming in. Then my HS coach showed up late and was acting like a little bitch. He is damn good at ignoring people, too. He walked straight up to us, while Nathan was still in the pool with us (Ashley, Hunter and I) and told us to our warm-up, without even acknowledging his existence. He never said a word to him... how rude. If he pulls that shit with my other swimming buddy, there is going to be a fight. Hopefully, he will have the pleasure of never meeting the psycho coach, but that is doubtful. The rents are coming back tomorrow morning and we forgot to put out the recycling and trash Thursday night. Yeah, we always forget something. I am not going to HS practice tomorrow morning because it is 2 hours long and at 9 in the morning. Hell no. And the coach said (since I would be the only one there anyway) if I didn't call him, he wasn't showing. Ha - NOT CALLING! The game was tonight and the boys and girls both won. YEY! Juju did this NASTY dunk and swung from the OUTSIDE of the rim. It was great, although we got called for a foul because of it. Definitely worth it. I am sad because I realized that Rosco wasn't going to be in any of my classes next semester, I think. That means class will be SO boring. No stealing Mr. Cuddlesworth, being spun around, carried around, tickling or stealing his hat. *sigh* I just really need to step it up in class, or I can kiss my dream of being 1st in my class goodbye. I also really need sleep.

officially OVER

School is OUT for the semester! YES YES YES YES YES!!!
I can forget about the sleeping in part, because this week consists of Christmas shopping and swimming. I was going to go to WSY tonight, but my HS practice lasted 2 hours and kicked my ass. I don't have anything left to swim for another hour and a half. Tomorrow, Karl and I are going to Best Buy to get Dad's present in the morning and then I am meeting up with Nathan around 2 to swim before HS practice. Then I think we will skip WSY (again) and go to the basketball game to watch Central get beasted out. I know I did good on my English and Pre Cal exam, but I didn't do too hot on the APES exam. Definitely lower than a 95... I am barely going to have a B as a final grade. I am so mad because we got to use our book and everything. I can't believe I didn't do better! I am going to email my teacher from Western Civ to get my grades in there. I don't know if I did much better, but I can only hope. Maybe Kelley will be here next week, then another person next week... hehe well... you know. It will definitely be fun. I am getting a little scared because my breaststroke was kind of slow today, and I can't afford to get any slower, especially for the county meet. I am really happy that I dropped AP English 12 next semester, because the new teacher is throwing books at the students to read over Christmas break. Ha - sucks for ya'll. Well, since the rents are out of town, it looks like that Karl and I are doing supper tonight. Scary, I know. But stuffed peppers and orzo sounds yummy, right? Of course! :) Looks like I better start up on the orzo...

best of me

Damn, I haven't heard that song in a LONG time. One of my friends had it on their playlist for their xanga, and it started playing on its own. Tears welled up in my eyes as I whispered the words to myself. I just wish some of the lyrics would come true... maybe so, maybe not. Starting Line rocks.
The meet yesterday was fun, even though I didn't get to swim in it. I decided to just watch and time (to make sure no one was getting too fast, ya know :P). Ashley won, of course, and did a 1:23 or a 1:24. I was SO excited! She is getting faster and faster everytime I see her swim. She reminds me of how I was my earlier high school years. Her times have paralleled my freshmen and sophomore years so far. I hope she will be just as fast, if not faster than me her senior year. I still can't believe we don't have any more meets until the 30th. Lame. One more day of school and it already feels like it is over. The two hardest exams have been taken, and all I can do is hope I did well. Of course, I still have the excruciatingly CLOSE 91 in APES... why can't it just be bumped up a wee bit? I have to make at LEAST a 95 on the exam to get an A. Yeah, right. I am not going to miss that class one bit, except for the interesting labs and being picked up and spun around until I have COMPLETELY lost my center of balance by Rosco. Well, maybe I won't miss that, either. Anyway, Western Civ is over as well and I definitely won't miss that class. Tomorrow, I wipe out Pre Cal and English 12 to conclude the semester. No worries in those classes, though. I can't wait until I get to sleep in on Friday morning, while all the county kids go to their classes. Heh heh heh. Hopefully this break will move by slowly, but of course it won't. I just want to see Kelley before Christmas, Alexi after and some of the others who are stopping in town. If everything works out, Kelley might get to come sometime next week! I can't wait to see her! Swimming is still a huge priority, but I know I will find myself just saying "You know, I just don't FEEL like swimming today." Oh, well. Mom and Dad are leaving for NY tomorrow morning. And leaving my two brothers and I with the house. ALONE. This could be interesting...

I absolutely love this strip. Moochie is so adorable.
And, if you can't see the last block, Moochie has his little pink sock on his head. :)

the void

I realized that the last time I kissed a guy was in August, and I really miss cuddling. I just want to be loved. How can you smile when you're really crying inside? I don't understand.


You might think I'm happy
But I'm not going to be okay...

final friday

YES! This is the LAST Friday I will be having of school until next year! I am SO happy! This week, I have been noticing my eagerness to NOT be in school. For instance, Thursday, Tiffany locked her keys in her car. Her mom couldn't leave work, so we begged our math teacher (who we knew would let us) to go to her mom's work DURING class. So, we left campus, went to her mom's work, got the key, then I 'realized' that I had to get gas, so we ended up going a little off course. The Frappucinos were so good. We arrived in class with plenty of time and didn't get caught. Today, I had another urge to just stay home a little extra while. We were supposed to have an assembly this morning, so all of the people who were in college classes 1st period decided to just skip out on it. I contemplated on staying home as well, and my dad even said I should just skip it. It was going to end at 10:45, so I just stayed home and touched up on my project...okay, AND hung around the house. I pulled in when 3 other people did, and we walked into the room where people who have off-campus courses sign-in. The woman who runs the thing came up to us and asked us where we had been. We asked her why the assembly wasn't going on, especially since the assemblies usually run over. A hit list had been found in the girls' locker room, and the principal decided to postpone the concert. She angrily interrogated us and then threatened to write us up for skipping. I was waiting for that wave of fear to sweep over me, since I have had a clean record (yeah, I'm a goodie-goodie), but it never happened. She concluded that she would consult the principal about it, and we just shrugged it off and went to class. The principal knew me really well and everything he heard about me has been good, good, good. I smirked as I got my stuff from my locker. There is NO way the principal is going to buy that woman's report of our 'skipping'. All of a sudden, I noticed that I really DIDN'T care anymore about getting in trouble. My reputation would support me if she did rat us out. Later that day, I saw the principal when we were trying to get information about the materials used to build the school (APES), and I told him how much I was looking forward to seeing that assembly, and when he was going to reschedule it. He said he wasn't sure, but he thanked me and others for being so calm and cooperative during the drastic change of plans. No problem... it was as if I wasn't even there. :)
Last night, I thought that maybe I could run on 3 hours of sleep more often (I felt pretty good), but I am feeling the effects today. I was so tired by the end of second practice, I couldn't even sprint anymore. It was pathetic. Well, Nathan comes on Tuesday, I think. I am really in for it now. Just keep swimming...

the burdens become heavier

It's a Thursday, and I am running on a mere 3 hours of sleep. My entire night consisted of the conclusion of my novel, then continuous coughing. My entire body would jolt with every cough and my abdomen soon became sore from the impact of the numerous coughs. My heart raced and I felt so hot - I couldn't get comfortable. I could not convince myself to just close my eyes and relax, because every cough would tense my body up and my eyes would snap open. I torturously watched to minutes creep by on the clock... hours passed, and still no sleep. I soon gave up on trying to MAKE myself sleep and figured my parents would find me still awake when they came to get me up. The last digits I saw on the clock were 3:19, and I tossed and turned for who knows how long until my fatigue finally forced me to rest. What a shitty, shitty morning it was to wake up. It's a dark, cool rainy day today... and I haven't even gotten to school yet. I need sleep so bad, but I have two swim practices and a poetry project that all need to be completed by the end of the day. I don't know how I am going to pull through.

so close, yet so far

The end of this school semester is so close, I can almost touch it! I just want to reach out, grab it and pull it to me. I am ready for school to be over and done with. I need sleep and days where I have nothing to do. Sure, I will most likely swim everyday, but other than that, what am I supposed to do? Hopefully, I can ride my Bobo, because I haven't rode him in what feels like weeks. I finally got my brochure done, the one that got wiped out when my computer locked up AGAIN. As my friend said, "(my) computer ate (my) homework". I am so sick of this stupid machine locking up... and it only seems to do it when I am doing something important. I can be surfing the net and doing useless things, and this dumbass machine doesn't miss a beat. I wish I could just rip it apart, piece by piece, until it is just a mere pile of metal junk that I can rid of. But, it also processes many of my essays and gives me the freedom to communicate internationally, so that wouldn't be a great idea. Our second swim meet was today, and I dropped my IM time by 2 seconds, but got 3rd. The girls (and guys :P) were much faster this time around. I was so scared that Dylan Spake (this beasty ass, COCKY ass chick who's a sophomore) would do 100 breast, especially because the paper said she did a 1:14. I don't believe the paper because her team tends to exaggerate their times just a LITTLE. I had to choose between 50 free and 200 IM again, and I really really wished I could have done 50 free instead. The fastest girl did a 30.8 - I can REALLY beat that! Oh well, if the coaches talk, then we will most likely be able to slip into a meet next Tuesday! Any chance for me to improve my times is a good one. I really need a challenge, and I hate to say, but now I WANT to swim against Dylan to push me harder. My time slipped back to a 1:18 today, and I admit I reacted a little childishly. I tore my cap off and got out of the pool quickly... everyone was looking at me like I was crazy because I beat everyone by over a half of a length and still looked pissed. It didn't matter to me how I won... I want a good time. I know that, last year, I would have KILLED for that time, but this is my senior year and I can't afford to slow down. I wish I could just learn to push myself harder and faster, as if someone WAS there for me to chase. Well, today is another day of wonderful school *gag*, so I figure I should be going on up and reading Frankie.

stressful sunday

Well, I finally got my applications sent in. I did all of my application to NC State yesterday, but decided to wait until today to look over it and send it in. The Sewanee application was a little harder to do because I had to wrestle with the stubborness of this stupid machine that locks up whenever I seem to be doing something important. So after 2 major lock-ups, computer kicking, and miraculous information saving of Sewanee's site, I got it sent it as well. I stayed up until about 1:30 reading, then slept until 1:15. Supposedly, there was a loud verbal brawl going on between my brother and mom over a math assignment during my slumber, so that made my parent's suspicious of me being dead. My dad came up and, ironically, woke me up by creaking my door when he looked in to see if I was breathing. Yeah... I was still pissed. I hate when I am woken up. It's a good thing those applications are done, because I have a poetry (ugh) project due Friday, a presentation due in APES on Wednesday, and my Frankenstein project due next Friday... or is it Thursday? Oops. Whatever, I am just ready for this school semester to be over and done with. I need time to sleep and relax, even though Nathan will be ready to run and swim like he has been telling me online. Yeah... so much for the relaxation. Maybe I will get to rest on Christmas day.

all that's left

Thursday was cool... I did really well in the 200 IM and 100 Breast. In both of the events, I beat everyone - and when I say everyone, I mean girls and GUYS. It was quite pathetic. There weren't that many people swimming the IM, so they combined the girls and guys. I started out a little behind everyone else in the butterfly, expecting the guy to totally beast me out in backstroke. When I hit back, I started getting a lead on everyone - back is my WORST stroke. I can't explain it. Then when I got to the breaststroke... well, that's the expertise of my swim career, so I made some gains in that. Freestyle I just held on for my dear life, focused on a quick turnover and AIR, AIR, AIR. I hit the wall and looked behind me. 4 seconds or so later, the first guy hit the wall and looked over at me. Needless to say, I was just as shocked as he was. I couldn't believe it. I cut 5 seconds off of my IM time from practice, so I was pretty happy. After I sat down and dried off, one of the girls from the other team and the coach came scuttling up to me and asked me what event I was doing next. After I replied breaststroke, they scrambled back to their side of the pool. My coach and I looked at each other and mockingly hissed "She's doing breaststroke! She's doing breast, you guys!". It was cool. My coach and I actually seemed to get along. Kind of weird, I know. Maybe because when it comes to swimming, I am like him... well, at least in IM. Then breaststroke I did a converted time (this was a meter pool we were swimming) of 1:17.34. I cut off a little time, but I would prefer to be faster. At least I am consistent at this point. Even though we didn't swim with the guys again, I still beat the fastest guy by a second. That team desperately needs work, but on my way to the locker room to shower off, this girl was telling me how awesome I was and offered me a brownie. Free brownies are always great! The swimmers were really nice, at least. After the meet, we hit up Wendy's and got a sore stomach from Hunter (the only guy on our team) telling his life stories. He is so random and just fucking hilarious. There wasn't a moment that my mom, coach, or I WASN'T laughing. Then I got home and realized that I was missing my Scotland towel. I must have left it at the meet. I was SO pissed at myself for being so forgetful. I LOVE that towel! So, Friday morning, I attempted to get a hold of the place of the meet. It was far away, so I had to call long distance. Well, the first time, I was using the 2nd line, and Mom called on the 1st line to see if I was calling them. I was pissed at her because I might forget my towel, but I won't forget to call about it. So I hung up my call, hung up on mom, then tried again. They said that they would move my call to the aquatics office, then hung up on me. Even more steamed, I called them, bitched out the lady that hung up on me, then finally was told that my towel was not found. I was pretty pissed. Friday just dragged on, but I got the only 100 on my Hamlet quiz and didn't even read Act One because I wasn't there that day the class covered it. Good times. Then Friday night, I went to the basketball game against Forbush, and it was AWESOME! Ice wata spin move Bennett DUNKED! I about freaked out! I knew he could do it! And don't ask about his nicknames... his real name is Jonathan. He hates being called 'ice wata', but he's cool as ice. Then, of course, Juju dunked and it was great. We totally beasted them out. Also, Rosco did really well. Yey, Rosco... I love that guy, but he really annoys me at times. Well, the family is heading out and that means me as well... later peeps.

maybe memories

As we trudge along through the mud
And we tried to call it home
But we weren't alright
Not at all
Not for one second

Never have been one to write it down
Now I think I can
I know I'm stronger now
Who's looking south
Not me
I'm not looking back
I'm done denying the truth to anyone
Cause I'm alive

You showed me how
You seemed to find a hole
But I just laughed and smiled
Begged and rolled my eyes
Even cried and
Denied the truth to you
Just like the truth to me
Mostly lied

-- The Used

life makes no sense

Well, I tried to post my thoughts yesterday, but the site was being stupid so that didn't end up happening. At this moment, I am stuck between two forces that pull strongly at my heart. Two people, one place, and one activity I am passionate about. The 26th WAS a day I was looking forward to, but now I don't want it to come. Alexi is coming back into town the 26th and so is another good friend of mine. Caron, Alexi's mom, called on Tuesday inviting me to New York with the family - leaving the 26th. She said we would only be gone a few days, but a few days would result in returning dangerously close to the county swim meet, which is something I expect to kick some major ass in. The last time I went with Alexi and her family somewhere on a trip, it ROCKED! I would love to go with them, but that means sacrificing swim practices and time with my other friend. I absolutely can NOT miss this meet - I would be letting my team down. I know we would return in time for it, but we would be DRIVING, so that would bog me down alot. I don't know what to do... I don't know if Alexi will even be here after the trip. If it wasn't for this swim meet, I would be packing my bags... but that makes all the difference. I just HATE making decisions. Right now, I am leaning towards staying here, but I feel really guilty just bumming out on Lexi like this. I am not sure about anything right now.
All-County Band was fun, especially skipping a day of school for it. Too bad missing a day takes its toll... ugh. Make-up work, here I come.



Everything is turning grey
But I won't hold my breath today
Cause I'm not scared and to tell the truth
I just don't care
Are you looking for an answer
When you still don't know the question

It's like lighting candles in the rain
Sometimes life can be a pain
But don't give up without a fight

Sometimes when you feel afraid
Don't give up and run away
Cause two wrongs don't make a right
What's the point in crying
When you've done nothing wrong
It was right there all along

The world's nothing but a lie
And everyone is going to die
But what can I say
Just help me make it through the day
You don't need a destination
Just to go somewhere in life

It's like throwing feathers at the wind
They come right back to you again
So why not give it one more try

Just cause things aren't what they seem
It doesn't mean you shouldn't dream
Just don't get your hopes too high
Cause when things don't turn out right
Your world comes crashing down

-- The Ataris