It's been a long time.
So, I will begin this blog with the bad and then end on a good note. It's always good to finish with the positive, right?
I have recently began to notice that some of the people that I consider my closest friends are not really that. It's probably the worst feeling in the world to doubt those that you put so much trust in for such a long period of time.
It all started with Thy... one of my best friends from college, who graduated about a month and a half ago. I have always had trouble making friends with girls, and although she was intimidated at first to talk to me, we hit it off right away. She was there for me the night after graduation that I broke down about her and Nathan leaving, and told me that she would see me in less than a month at an upcoming wedding. I never saw her there (after running around campus for an hour and a half), and didn't hear much from her after that. After getting home from China, I realized that she abruptly un-friended me on this college networking site we both have. I don't really know what caused it all, but I am still left in the dark. I have no clue as to why she once called me her best friend, then now won't even speak to me. Her mother is going through alot of sickness, she's re-taking the MCAT, and I know that's stressful, but I want more than anything to be there for her just like she was for me. We have had our fights, but I have always know what I have done wrong. In this case, I have no clue as to what's going on, or what I did. I just wish things would be back to the way they were with her and I. Just being away from college makes me miss it all so much. I miss being able to walk downstairs and knock on her locked door (even though I KNOW she's in there) and listen to her squeak, "Who is it?" and I squeak back, "Meee!". I miss our late night Stirling trips and Blue Chair fruit tea refills. I mostly miss her being so damn smart, and me always wishing that I was motivated enough to make my family as proud as hers is of her. I would give anything in the world to just talk to her for a little bit, just to know that things are okay. When a friend is mad at me, it just nags at me little by little until I about lose it.
I have been so on edge because of this, and I have unknowingly gotten a worse attitude towards people. My best guy friend flipped out on me the other week because I was picking on him alot. I yell at my co-workers and even the kids I coach almost on a daily basis. I have decided to start therapy again, not even for my past experiences and situations, but for what's going on now. I just wish everything would stop bothering me so much.
And tonight, which triggered this entry, is the night of the fourth of July. My beloved best friend, Alexi, promised that she would call me to come to her lakehouse and still hasn't called me. This sadly isn't the first time and I guess I am sick and tired of being bummed out on in general. Alot of my friends have promised things, but have either never called or just found something better. I hate being second rate, an option, or any of those things. I always tell myself to do the same thing back just to let them see how it feels, but I never seem to have the guts to do it. Maybe I just have a heart.
On the contrary, Nathan got a job in my home state, 8-9 hours from his home. This means I can go and see him (even though it is 5 hours from MY home) more than I would otherwise. It was great to hear his voice on the phone this past weekend. It made everything okay and things got so much better knowing that he was closer. I am going to see him in a week and a half, and cannot wait to do so. From what I could tell, I think he feels the same.
I am trying to focus on the good I have with him and I, even though this job in a new location has its 'threats'. There is a guy that I work with who is actually starting to get to me a little bit, but I am not too worried. I have actually done an excellent job of turning down any opportunities to have a thing with any guy. Not because of Nathan (considering we're not really exclusive or anything), but for myself. I have enjoyed not having to worry about the opposite sex for once in about 2.5 years, and it has made my life a lot less complicated.
So yey me.
In summary, I appreciate the friendships that I have, but I would like some consistent ones and the ones that I miss back. It would make all of our lives so much easier and happier.
And I need happy.
See you all in therapy, for now.