So, I overlooked my ENTIRE blog the other day, and noticed just how much it has changed. I first used it as a summary of my life - a semi-autobiography, but now, it's pretty much full of rants. I suppose it still sums up a lot of occurrences in my life, but it has a lot more feeling to it. I guess I don't like writing things just to write them... I have to be somewhat inspired before getting up enough energy to post. But I am sure, by now, you have realized that I do definitely have something to write about.
In my last post, I talked about a guy at work that was kind of a threat, but probably not, because I was not interested in dating. Well, for the past 3 months, him and I have been in a pretty serious relationship. It was odd, because I really did try hard to avoid it, but he was so damn persistent. I finally caved and realized that it was nice to have someone there again. Although he is much different from any guy I have ever been with, we still had a lot of fun. However, the entire time, I figured it would just be a summer fling, and I would then return to my college, single again. But... about a month before I had to leave, we had a pretty intoxicated conversation about how we were going to try to continue it when I went to college.
Keep in mind that our colleges are 600 miles apart.
The rest of the summer was great - the 5-day trip to Ocracoke Island and summer nights watching the stars while choking down shots of vodka. We never argued and just enjoyed each other to the fullest.
It was sad when he left to go to college, but he came back every weekend. Even then, being away from each other for 3 days to a week was almost unbearable, compared to seeing each other every day at work and in the evenings. I knew, deep down, this long-distance thing was going to be rough. When I left for my college, he hugged me goodbye and kept from crying a little (it's so cute that he is such a big guy and I can still bring him to tears). I assured him that it was only 3 weeks until I got to see him and tried my hardest to have an optimistic outlook on us.
I soon learned that having a relationship on the phone is very hard... you can't really talk things out, even though it is all about talk. We went from never having a problem to arguing almost every other day. After 2 weeks, he couldn't take it anymore, and drove 9 hours to come see me. I was ecstatic when he was here, but it was still for a short period of time. Along with that, Nathan (mentioned in previous post) came in the same weekend, which made things very stressful. I didn't get to see him (or speak to him) for more than 30 minutes altogether. And even though my new boyfriend was at my side, I couldn't help but still have something deep inside for Nathan. I missed him so much.
As for now, it's been a month since Chris (new boyfriend) has been here, and our fights have only gotten worse. I have said, "it's over!", more than once, but ended up taking it back. We even had the talk about how bad things are now, and how breaking up sometimes seems like the best. Every time we fight, I ask myself more and more why I am putting up with all of it. The wonderful relationship we once had is now something completely different. It's something I wouldn't normally hold on to for one second.
And Nathan and I have been keeping in touch throughout all of this. Even though it does bother him that I have a boyfriend now, he is tolerant of being a friend, because that's about all he can be, anyway. Sadly, I put my guard down a couple of nights ago, when I drunkenly called him and admitted that I still had feelings for him. I felt terrible the next morning when I had realized what I had done, but I vividly remembered him saying that he still had feelings for me, as well.
Although that bites at me on a daily basis, I wouldn't break it off with my new boyfriend because of Nathan; I would do it for myself. It's like something that weighs me down now, and the more that I think about it, the more I wonder why I have let it get this far.
But I have let it get this far. He is coming up a little over 2 days for my birthday for 6 days. Part of me thinks it's unfair for him to even come up here again with all these feelings that I have now, but the other part says this might be the last chance I have to reconsider my options. I guess it is the latter, because I can't just tell him he can't now. Don't you think it's sad that I may have already made up my mind before he even gets a last chance? Yeah, me too.
Speaking of chances, I sometimes wish that I could get over Nathan. I gave him a whole year to get his shit together and actually commit, and, although we were pretty much exclusive at the end of the year, he didn't quite follow through. I just don't understand how I am giving one guy so many chances and another so few. I can't explain it, but I still have more feelings for Nathan than any person I know ... even the guy I am with now. Either Nathan and I need to figure some things out, or I have to find someone to sweep me off my feet and get my mind off of him. I don't even know if there will be someone who can do that at this point.
In conclusion, I am so hopeless and complicate things for myself. This guy doesn't do much wrong (outside of the arguments, which aren't just his fault), and I am subconsciously trying to find a reason to dump him.
Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship, even though that's something that I want more than anything.
I hate irony.