who you are

Here lately, I have encountered many situations that have made me evaluate who I am as a person. All of these events have absolutely nothing to do with the other, but they still tie into something that is a huge factor in every person’s life – themselves.

The first occurrence was just the other weekend, where I later found myself torn between doing something I love but being with some people I dislike. Many who read this would think, “Oh, it’s just a few people… there’s only so much they can do.” I sadly beg to differ. I suppose I have gone around with that mindset at times, but I admit that I have let only a few (or one, for that matter) really get to me in the past. It is even worse when you spend practically six months with them. They are with you for two or more hours a day, and more than that on weekends. I figure that no one on my swim team reads this anyway, so I can quit being so anonymous… it is my own team. The team that is seen as the closest by far on campus and envied by many teams just by how well we bond. We eat together, drink together, travel together, and sometimes even sleep together. It’s always together.

Not me.

Call me a non-conformist for the 19284^th time, but I don’t like getting wasted beyond my memory’s capacity every night I get the chance. I don’t enjoy sitting at a table with people who don’t acknowledge that I am there and have no interest in my input to the conversation. I don’t like the expectation that everyone on the team “hooks up” with one another. And I mostly hate the fact that within this already seemingly exclusive group, there are cliques within that.

How can someone who is in a team feel excluded? I never thought it was possible. I felt less excluded being the only white girl on the volleyball team in high school than I do now on my collegiate swim team. I think that is really sad.

Now you are all wondering as to why I finally just let it all out. I guess there is a breaking point to everyone. And when someone actually voiced that I was “an outcast” to the team one night at a fraternity, I guess you could say I snapped a little. Due to the situation, I brushed it off, but it really left a mark on me emotionally. I suppose I always hoped that my assumption of being too different from my “group” was just my own slight paranoia, but maybe not. My mind started questioning, “Is this what they all think?” Given that the swimmer who said this was decently intoxicated and using it as an attempt to benefit only her, I find it inexcusable.

I have wanted to confront her, but I would rather not risk messing up my already golden reputation with the team. It seems as though I have nothing to lose.

The next situation is something that is pretty much out of my hands. I went to a talk at the Women’s Center on hair, mostly (I admit) for the free sub sandwiches. As the discussion went on from the presenters, I realized that every one of them (except one) had curly hair. They talked about how society was so dependent on the hair-straightener and that no one cherishes their real locks anymore. I could feel them look at me with those judgmental eyes, condemning me for having the straight hair on my head. The one speaker who had naturally straight hair had a shaved head. He focused on that.

I felt slightly upset that some of these people in front of me were sure that I, too, spend 20+ minutes straightening my hair every morning. My hair is naturally straight. It has always been. It sometimes even gets a slight wave or curl at the ends, and that is something to celebrate. When I was little, my hair was so straight and fine, my hair bands and hair bows would slide right out. To this day, curling/crimping it is a waste of time. My stubborn hair refuses to hold any style. It never falls the right way, lacks volume, and gets dirty very easily. Anyone with curly hair would tell me to stop complaining about having straight hair, but it isn’t the best thing, either. And I don’t mean to have the natural hair that is in style now, it just happens. When curly is back in style, I guess I will be out of the loop.

Until then, don’t judge me for what I have or who I am.

I can’t help that I don’t share the same interests or my complete life with my team, or that my hair is straight as a board. Those are things that I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have finally started to realize just who I am as a person since college. It’s been a wonderful experience so far, even though disappointing things have happened to get there.

I will always be different and I will always have naturally straight hair.

I will always wait until the last minute to do assignments. I will always play with my hair in class. I will always mess with my clothing constantly. I will always want to roll back over every morning. I will always get excited when my nails grow out. I will always listen to music. I will always be a hopeless romantic. I will always pretend to study harder than I do. I will always have a southern accent. I will always question everything. I will always love pasta. I will always fiddle with my bracelets. I will always be short of breath when working really hard. I will always hold in my emotions around others. I will always try not to judge others. I will always hate running. I will always laugh at things no one understands. I will always miss my friends from home. I will always not know where I am going with this…

But I will always be who I am.