crossroads

I feel like I have been in a bad dream that I can't wake out of. While things were getting better for me and I felt like I had found things that made me happier than before, it is starting to make me notice more of the flaws from the past.
Is being with someone who is just like you in many senses a wonderful thing, or like looking into a mirror? At first, I found it to be the most exhilarating and amazing thing (as well as relieving) to be around, but as I rolled over on Sunday morning to see him and think about everything that has happened over the past month or so, I wonder if he is there to make me see just what I really look like. Broken, scared, indecisive yet impulsive, living in the moment yet stuck in the past... is that what I really am? While he has called me out on things that I am not proud of, I find that every one I cannot deny.

NO - I am not over it. I have shed more tears over my ex than I would ever care to, but I can't help it. My roommate says it's healthy to mourn over it, but when you can just feel him thinking about you as you're trying to go to bed at night, I think it's more than just mourning. It's missing... and I hate to say it, but I still do miss it. And the worst part is knowing that they miss it, too.
What do you expect? I put everything in for this one person and planned for everything we had discussed for the future, only to have him drop me for someone he barely knew. It leaves scars, and I know you can see them. However, if you think you are good at hiding your scars, you're not.

This guy is so self conscious, yet the coolest person ever. In social situations, he can approach any one and have a good time in any setting. However, when it comes to certain things, he has no confidence in himself whatsoever. I try to talk him up and show him just how much potential he has to do everything great, but after a while, this whole down-on-yourself thing is NOT sexy. I just want to grab his face and tell him to, for once, stop judging himself, man up, and kick ass.

I know I can be called hypocritical for complaining about his lack of self-confidence, but I do feel like we feed off of each other when it gets to those moments. It becomes this big whine-fest about who's heart has been stomped on more, who looks the worst, etc. At the end of the day, we've both been fucked over and we're both scared - and it's hindering us both from truly moving on in life. While misery does love company, I gotta get off that boat soon.

So, I guess I am contemplating waiting around to see if this mirror is going to make me eventually happy every time I look at it, or miserable. While I will wait for a while to see if my reflection becomes better over time, no one can wait forever.